hurt and the 'why'

[savignon]

I feel like most people know my story so I'll be brief about the background info....ex husband had 2 affairs that overlapped and lasted a year and a half before I found out for sure and filed for divorce. "Rebound" boyfriend also started seeing someone else without being honest or upfront about it which just re-opened that wound that I'm 'not worthy' of the basic courtesies, respect and a little bit of a 'victim' in terms of making informed choices about my body, health, etc (how can I make informed choices if I don't have the information?)

Anyways, this weekend I went to my sister's wedding and felt like I had turned a new corner... I didn't feel alone or "without a date" or anything negative...I didn't feel any bit sorry for myself and was really able to enjoy and celebrate that she has no doubt found her best friend and life partner at a young age. I have taken myself off all dating sites I was on and have just been enjoying my life the way it is without giving thought to how/when/where I will meet anyone.

So today, in some sort of self-sabotage, I looked up my rebound/ex on FB and was surprised to see that his profile pic is him and his girlfriend. I'm not shocked that he has a girlfriend or that its his main picture....I am astonished though that I was that stupid to believe all the "I don't put stuff on Facebook" and all the other stuff. He never even tagged me in a post, let alone put up a picture and most certainly wouldn't have put us as his profile pic. I guess I just feel foolish and hurt that it still hurts. It doesn't matter why and it doesn't matter what he's up to or any of that....I know that. 100%.

I guess I feel a little like "why not me?"....Why wouldn't I be the person who found someone else already? I haven't even had one proper date since we split, let alone developed an entire relationship. Same with my ex husband....he's had a wife, 2 affairs and 2 girlfriends all in a matter of a few years.

I didn't look at his pic and compare myself to her...I didn't wish I was still with him, I didn't think "he must be so happy now" because I know that's not necessarily true....I'm just bummed that I:

a) even bothered to look....masochist? Why on earth would I do that?

b) feel hurt. I know the fact that he has moved on (and that he moved on while still in a relationship with me) doesn't mean I have no value as a human being. But it still hurts...why??

c) feel bitter and jaded and that men are untrustworthy and lustful and can't be with one woman. I don't want to adopt that anywhere in my conscious or subconscious but can't quite shake it and that makes me sad as I not only want a good man in my life, but also want my daughter to have a very different experience than me and want to model all good things for her.

d) would even still think about someone who didn't do right by me....why would he even cross my mind at this point?

e) feel like I'm not going to find that 'best friend' in this lifetime. Am I okay with that? Can I adjust to that? Maybe I don't reallllly want it and that's why I keep choosing the wrong kind of guy over and over again?

f) I'm just hurt. In general. It hurts. I'm not crying or devastated or self-loathing or ready to jump off a cliff or eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's..... but just hurt. I know that's normal and okay. But it still sucks.

[Batya33]

On the Facebook thing - I wouldn't read into it. He may have done it just so she'd stop nagging him or he may have changed his mind about Facebook since the time you two ended things.

 

Whenever you cyberstalk and find something it's always going to feel so much worse and loom so much larger than if you heard about the new gf through the grapevine. It's so in your face. I think the sting will subside over the next day or sooner. I hope it does!

[mhowe]

It was the wedding aftermath, seeing someone find their life partner....or so it seemed.

 

So you checked....and if you hadn't checked....you would most likely still be feeling the "why is she happy and I am not" blues.

 

It will pass. Small solace, I am sure.

However, maintaining your standards and teaching your daughter to value herself ---- that will pay a lifetime of dividends.

[missmarple]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're only human....the 'why not me' thought has occurred to all of us at some point. When you meet someone new (and you will), you'll be too busy to think about your exes

[savignon]

Thanks, girls! If I read my own thread I'd be like "he wasn't that into you....duh!!"

You're much kinder to me than I am to myself sometimes.

Its already feeling less sucky....I mean, I knew he had moved on before we even stopped dating...so, I'm not surprised...I just feel like *I* deserve that same happiness as well.

Thanks for being so gentle with my feelings...appreciate it as always!

[DancingFool]

The FB thing....meh....don't put so much stock in it. People simply change and it's not that someone changed them or that this girl he is seeing is so special. One of my close friends used to ridicule FB and anyone who used it....now she is the consummate addict, like to the point where we are getting concerned about her as it's starting to get in the way of real life socializing. Most things have nothing to do with you or her or anyone else. Personal likes, tastes, preferences....they all change with time. Anyway, the guy is a cheater, so who is to say that he doesn't have some other girl lined up on the side. Things aren't always as happy as they seem.

[savignon]

Thanks, dancingfool....I know this guy is a very disengaged person in general and very into HIMSELF. That couldn't possibly have changed in the last several months. Or maybe it has...I really don't care. That's not even the point. I'm just kind of like "why not me?" I totally have my sh** together, am attractive, a great mom, interesting, smart, funny.... I don't get it.

I did have a great quality guy show some interest in me recently and I tried to be into it but I just wasn't. I'm happy though I attracted a high quality human being after the last 2 situations I dealt with.

My pity party is over....I bought myself a new pair of shoes, a new outfit, some new make up and made myself a hair appt for Thurs. A little retail therapy and I'm all cured! ;-)