Late bloomer's journal

[tk123]

Almost mailed this to my ex, but posting it here instead. I marvel though at how idiotic I have been about relationships most of my twenties, be it romantic or friendships.

 

Letter :

I know you've moved on. Well, it does take me longer to shed the past.

 

Most times I've been just too busy, the new job has given me opportunities that I had begged and cried for at the previous place to no avail. But once in while when I barely manage to get an hour or two free, the thoughts descend.

 

In the last few months I've realised that I never fully reconciled with the fact that you could just up and leave the relationship and not have even a normal urge to talk to me or want to know what I was upto for months together. It was hard to be face to face with the fact daily that you probably didn't matter to another as much as they mattered to you. And that led to a lot of insecurity and I took in a lot worse treatment than I should've let myself.

 

You've said that I always ran the relationship my way, though from my perspective, it looked as if all your plans right from where you wanted to study, to where you wanted to live, to how serious we should be and everything else worked just as you wanted. Including me in any of the decisions was the last thing you considered or so it felt. So it only angered me earlier when you said I gave you no space. Of course, I was insecure, because I had the experience of being dumped over and over again without any explanation. Now it hardly matters. I realise that 3 years of my life have gone by but what can one do, the past is just gone isn't it?

 

I used to think our first year was perfect but now I see that if you had to break up with silence instead of discussing what was on your mind straight up and mutually deciding, then our relationship really wasn't that deep. Ultimately I think it was perfect only inside my head and not in reality. And I also recall we did everything according to what you felt was right during that first year, I had very few friends and no idea at all of weekend plans, so we went according to your plans. The couple of times I suggested outings, I realise, you were reluctant, even if you went along later. So maybe the agenda of the relationship always was that we could be great if I had no expectations at all.

 

Perhaps the biggest mistake I made was taking you back after you went to college. Because nothing had changed really. Instead, within a week you started pulling the silent treatment. I think I held on to the relationship since then to avoid the pain of being dumped and oh what a mistake it was to trade in short term pain with long term problems. I don't know what your motives were and it'd be tempting to give you a free pass because of your father's illness and college pressures. But I also know that you didn't mistreat anyone else because of that. It was only me, because I took it in the name of love or maybe it was fear.

 

It must make you feel good that I still occasionally think of all that went by. Loving you just made me so empty but because I have gone through a lot of pain, not much scares me about relationships not working out. Call it a grim view, but I now feel that I know nothing ever lasts in relationships so I am not depending on anyone to be there for me. Conversely I'll never be the starry eyed lover or bride ever again. If I ever get into any relationship again, it'll be about practicality. I don't even know if I will get into another relationship. Part of me just feels dead but its better to be that way that torn apart and picked on.

[tk123]

Reading Women who love too much. The examples in it seem too extreme for me but can relate to some of the circular thinking.

 

Been also thinking of the ex on and off lately. The anguish and anger have somewhat dulled. But I can't stand watching happy couples esp representations in media. I am a film buff but I am not comfortable watching movies anymore because I fear the romantic track will unsettle me. Mostly I think that I won't deeply feel love for anyone again. If something so good could turn so bad, how can I ever trust my instincts. Also I feel I'll never be starry eyed enough to really get excited about anyone anymore or anything for that matter. I look at people hugging or just being publicly physical in the way only couples are and I have to avert my eyes because I can't imagine it with anyone else anymore and being with the ex again is not an option, isn't it? So what the hell is wrong with me?

 

I am doing so much better in so many ways but I feel empty. I am grateful I am not crying, I am grateful I have got back my whacko sense of humour, but there is emptiness.

 

At times when the phone rings or there is a Facebook notification, I am almost scared it'll be the ex, demanding to know why I cut him off FB. That should be a clue how unhealthy it is if I just feel scared of his reactions even now. I put him on such a pedestal and I am noticing I do this with almost everyone because I feel everyone else is always so much better.

 

His bday is coming up. He had wished me on mine after all that so I'll also send a one liner. How did my life come to all this?

[tk123]

Perhaps because I am PMSing or perhaps because the book is making me brood, here is another letter I almost sent my ex. I think I need to get it into my head that nothing I did or said differently would've saved this relationship, I haven't yet fully surrendered my magical thinking. Here is the unsent mail :

 

Dear N,

 

I know that you'd have had many more expectations from me during your time of need (he lost his father some months after we separated). I am not proud to admit that I just wasn't in the frame of mind to give you what you needed because of the complicated thoughts our relationship breakdown caused for me. It had been 6 months but I was in pain and wasn't able to just take on your pain because on some level I felt he comes to me only when he needs something, that's how it felt then.

 

So at one point I'd be totally miserable missing you, at one point angry at your betrayal and abandonment after so many promises and at others overcome with compassion for your situation. I seriously wanted to believe the hurtful behaviour was only because of what was going on at your place, but then that wasn't making you hurtful to others. All in all, I still can't sift through what to say or feel when it comes to you because I was very attached to the idea of us growing old together. When it seemed like that was probably not going to happen, it was and still to some extent is easier to feel angry than to feel the pain that perhaps I didn't mean all that much to you. So given all these thoughts competing for space, I felt I wouldn't do justice by keeping in touch even if it was in such a time. You were vulnerable, anything you felt may not have lasted and we had both caused each other enough anguish to last for some time. What was the point in doing the same again and again? If I had tried and one fine day you suddenly stopped talking again or you felt you needed more space once you started feeling better, how crushing that would've been?

 

That said, I don't know how you are coping. I hope you are doing well. I do know you had a complicated relationship with uncle but I can't imagine still how it feels to lose someone. The thought is scary and you have experienced it now. Anything I say would only be a cliche because I don't really know what happens to a person after that. It would be easy to say I am always there for you during such a time, but our history means that I am scared of giving it my all without any response from the other side. I am all too human and flawed that way, don't have that zen feeling.

 

My feelings never diminished and perhaps that was my downfall because I can recognise more that yours did change from the initial euphoria. At some point unknown to me, I guess you also developed a feeling that committing to me would mean that you won't be able to do all that you wanted to do in life. The only regret I have about that is that you decided that unilaterally without thinking that maybe discussing and explaining things to me would've served to accomplish both your and my needs from the relationship and other life goals. On some level I think you didn't believe we'd be good in the long run, one has the right to decide who to spend their life with and people do fall out of love. Though it would've been fair to both of us, if you spelt it out clearly that you didn't see yourself getting married to me or being serious in other ways with me for years to come or maybe never. We wouldn't have made each other miserable that way. You never wanted to spend time with me or do anything fun, I had to fight to get even half an hour in a week, that should've been my clue, but I was too in love to be ready to accept that.

 

I made my mistakes, you made yours but perhaps our relationship wasn't strong enough where we could get back to the drawing board after acknowledging we were doing it wrong. Also I felt most of the time I had no voice in the relationship. If I wanted anything to be done my way or if I had to ask for a consideration, I felt you wanted me to feel guilty and realise that you knew best and if I didn't agree then I am just stupid and a nag so I need to be silenced for months together. Even now for example, I respond if you mail, but if I send something you ignore it, the same way you did all through the relationship. Sometimes I wonder just how much of that could I have put up with for the rest of my life. On one hand, you said I controlled you and on the other, you pretty much ignored me or dumped me whenever things weren't going the way you wanted. I felt I couldn't do it right either way. It became so difficult to trust after that.

 

Perhaps we shouldn't have got back after you left for college, not much had changed in both of us, but I was too blind in love and too eager to make our relationship work. And I guess I also felt the only problem in our relationship was your reluctance and my desire to be married, whereas there was probably a lot more that was wrong. Maybe we both did the best we could but given the circumstances it wasn't enough.

 

Anyways, maybe I am just rambling on alone as I always do, you have I am sure moved on much long ago and maybe even found someone. So apologies if this mail is an intrusion. Your birthday is coming up, I hope you've made plans and are not going to brood on that day. Hope auntie is doing well and your work is going on ok. I traveled quite a bit for election coverage and so far work here has been good. Good luck for a fulfilling year.

[tk123]

On another note, I went on a date today with someone my parents have fixed (we have arranged marriages in my country). The guy was ok, he didn't check some of the boxes I have for a potential partner, but maybe I need to just grow up and realise I need to be more flexible about these boxes. Let's see, maybe meeting him a bit more will make things clearer.

[tk123]

Obsessed a bit over the ex these past few days, but that book Women who love too much is so bang on. I didn't relate to most of the examples but I could understand some of the stuff in the later chapters where the doctor describes this disease of loving too much and the process of recovery. I suddenly realised that I still wanted to mail etc to try and get a response, basically make him like me again, a form of reverse control. How crazy had I been. Just thinking that his commitment was the issue whereas I was probably just using that to cover the pain I felt at realising that he didn't care as much as I did and that sucked.

[tk123]

Last few days have been difficult again. They have been about obsessing and going back to thinking like before that maybe I could still fix things or maybe he still loved me. Somewhere I still havent fully accepted that it is all over and the fact that I had a bad date didnt help. The date was part of an arranged match and I dont know why but I felt my dad was being desperate, ready to marry me off to anyone. Marriage is a huge issue in our culture and mostly arranged by parents though things are changing now. Plus with the failure in 2 short term and 1 long term relationship, I find myself feeling like I cant trust anyone anymore that I am condemned to live like this.

 

This morning I almost woke up with something I imagine withdrawal symptoms feel like. I just wanted to do something, anything to make the feeling go away. I had wished ex on his bday and he thanked me politely. I have been toying with mailing him again with all my crazy thoughts of just how if only he did this or if only something else things would be back to how our relationship was in the beginning. But its not going to happen. I dont think I can ever trust him. And at the same time it pains so much to realise that he probably never felt as deeply and that all he said were mere words. When I analyse why, all I can think of trying to avoid this, is that it makes me look foolish and vulnerable and almost makes it look like it was never in my control whether or not he would've stayed and that hurts so much. It makes me feel like I was chasing a mirage and being so happy about it. And also about whether at any point I'd have anyone for myself.

 

Also, this year, from the beginning, everyone seems to be losing their parents. My ex was the first one I heard and then there were so many in the last 2 months. My parents are getting old too and I am scared that I will be totally alone past their time. There will be no one even to talk, what will I do then? And also my dad when he called about this date went all like he fears for my future and the stress is so much that he feels he'd die prematurely. Everything scares me now. I dont have much in terms of holding on and sometimes everything just seems pointless.

 

I also think there is some amount of learned helplessness. I am not following any dream or anything consistently. All the time I just want to be elsewhere and not in the situation I am in. How does one do acceptance when the present is uncomfortable? Never been able to master that. Its like I got rid of the ex, who at that time was the biggest downer in my life, but its not like life became easy just because I ended a toxic relationship. There is so much yet to sort and I am not sure how and if I will succeed.