Still in love, but had to let it go...

[pourmeadrink]

Hello,

 

So here I am, back on this forum. My story is here . But in short - we had a toxic relationship (I was too jealous, he had anger issues and never kept his word), but couldn't let it go. Things were getting worse and worse, we broke up for couple days, but then I moved back, because I couldn't be without him. Things kept on getting worse. Then I heard from my friends that he told them he was going to propose me on 1st of Jan. I decided to wait it out and see what would happen. In the end, he didn't propose and said it was due to my jealousy issues that he saw no point in proposing. And since then it was hell - he started going out with his friends every night till late, I never knew where he was, what he was doing etc. In the end, he didn't care that I was outside in -20 C waiting for him to come home (I did not have keys) while he was drinking beer with his friends - and it was the last straw.

 

I packed things and left for good. He wasn't sad at all, rather irritated to see me crying, but I couldn't help it.

 

Now I am back at my parents, feeling quite upset after realizing that I have wasted a year of my life on something that made me even more miserable. I've lost a job also right before New Year, so right now things are looking quite bad. But gladly, every break up teaches us something and here is what I've learnt out of it:

 

1. Beware if things are going too fast - it is a sigh of a trouble. From the beginning I knew he was moving things quite quickly fast forward, but I was still hurting from my ex, so I did not really think straight and decided to try it anyway

 

2. Take a look at his past - my ex couldn't hold relationship longer than a year and he was close to 30 already.

 

3. Don't get in a relationship if you feel you have personal issues/you did not get over some trauma of the past (cheating etc.) - I needed this experience to realize that I also need to learn a lot about myself before I can be in a mature and healthy relationship

 

4. Do NOT believe words, look at the actions - I was told many things - that we will get married, that he ll propose, that we ll have a house and wonderful babies... in the end he never even took me to the concert he was promising to take me to for a year.

 

5. If he does not treat you right - GET OUT. - Things WILL NOT change when you are together. The same patterns will repeat again and again. Only when you both move on and date other people, mature - then the new, better relationship is possible. But you might not already want it by that time.

 

and the most important one

 

6. You only attract such partner who equals your level of maturity and personal development - I was immature, had low confidence and psychological issues - and I attracted and got attracted to a similar guy. I am sure the moment I will work on myself, develop personally - I will be able to see such types of people straight away and they will not interest me. So the more you work on yourself - the better partner you will get in the end. It's a win-win situation.

 

Your thoughts?

[deejay74]

I think this is great and pretty much summed up my last relationship. This is great advice and is also what I learned.

 

1. My ex said she loved me within a month. At the time, I didn't think anything of it because I was infatuated with her and I confused that with love.

 

2. My ex also was in many relationships, none lasting longer than 9 months.

 

3. I realized, post break up, that I had a lot of unresolved issues that did contribute to the relationship failing and so did my ex.

 

4. My ex, too, said many things, but her actions did not back that up.

 

5. My ex had commitment issues and also lied to me.

 

6. Yes, I am a little immature and my ex had a very immature outlook on love, relationships, and in general.

 

I'm finally feeling the grip on my ex loosening up but even with all the bad things that happened between us and the bad things we did to each other, I still love my ex too.

 

Thanks for this post. It seemed like it was written for me and my ex.

[Lucha]

Wow this is so spot on for me as well!

 

1. We facebook chatted for two weeks, and called for six hours every night during another week or so.. Then we met and we had sex the same night! The next day she met my parents (bc it was my bday and I visited them, while she was with me that weekend). I never thought of it that maybe going too fast could be bad.. Anyone else's thoughts on this?

 

2. My ex had five relationships each of which lasted for about 1,5 year. She lived together with some of her exes as well, but also very fast (after 1 month I think

 

3. Her actions were almost never compatible with her words!

 

4. Everyone who knows me says I am really mature for 25. I even had a relationship once with a 37 year old. Truth is in relationships I am a little immature in that I can love someone too much and thereby losing my whole world when they leave. My ex was 32 and thinks of life as one big party. She sleeps till 2 pm on weekends and stays up till 2-3 am playing internet poker. She likes her significant other to be someone who sometimes can lose control, get drunk for example, and give her friends 'a wedgie'. Need I say more..?

[mhowe]

OP....unlike many who experience a break up...you seem to have walked away and examine the cause of the demise. While I am sure you are hurt....you looked for the lessons imbedded in the pain and are taking action to address them.

 

Because your focus is on improvements and not the past...I think you will heal faster and eventually find a relationship suited to your new maturity. Kuddos.

[pourmeadrink]

Are all the exes made on the same factory or something?

 

I keep getting messages EVERY DAY from him about how "he loves me", "he misses me", "he hopes we are going to be together in the future", whether I have been on a date or not already.. When I got tired of it and told him straight to explain me what he wants to achieve with this - does he want to get together or something? - I get whole bucketful of "long and confused explanation" on "how there is no point, because we tried everything and he doesn't know what to do etc. etc.".

 

I told him that either he actually does something about us or I do not wish to hear any of that anymore as I do not understand the reason.

 

He got offended and said goodbye to me.

[jphcbpa]

I'll Play.....

 

1) Met on a Friday for drinks. Met on Saturday for coffee dessert. Met on Sunday for church and lunch. We were exclusive from day one. We both felt the connection we had been looking for. Said "I love you with in the first few weeks. We did wait for 90 days for intimacy.

 

2) She was married for 10 years. But since being D 5 years ago. She had a year long R where the guy became unsure, but was in fact cheating on her. She has only had a few very short term R (3 to 6 months and she said the guys would get "too attached") before meeting me. We lasted 16 months.

 

3) Post break up I can see more clearly that her avoidant behavior really pulled out some neediness in me.

 

4) The weekend before the BU, we were at a wedding. She liked some lanterns that were hanging from beautiful oak trees which were strung with Christmas lights. She comes back inside and says, "when we have our house one day, I want lights/lanterns in the trees". 8 days later she dumps me. The day before the BU, we do Christmas at her families and that night before the BU, her and I assemble a bicycle she bought for my son. She was a walking contradiction.

 

5) She admitted that when things got good/we got close, she pulled away. 60 days before BU she started to see a therapist.

 

6) I was in therapy before I met her and in 12 step groups (been doing 12 step for over a decade). I continued to do these things. It seems that I attracted her at one level but continued to grow during the R because I did not stop working on me. At the end of the R she began to see what she is an avoidant (hence the therapy work...that was a complete 180 for her to ever admit she needed help with anything...very very independent).

[HeartGoesOn]

Have you blocked him from all means of communicating with you?

[pourmeadrink]

No, unfortunately, I cannot yet - we still have a common apartment to deal with for the last month (pay the bills, I have to take the rest of my stuff etc.)

[Ms Darcy]

I like the way you handled his message so directly. You seem very wise and reflective.