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Uncomfortable About Girlfriend's Past


Algeron

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Yeah, yeah I know I’m another guy just having issues with his girlfriend’s past. I read through a lot of the past threads, but still would like some thoughts/insight on my issues.

 

I’m upper 20s, attractive, and spew out confidence, so I don’t have a problem attracting women, but I am insecure on the inside. I’ve become quite good at faking it. I’ve never had a one night stand, and not because the opportunities weren’t there, I just always felt wrong about it. I’ve had sex with 4 people total. I was raised by a conservative single mother who sheltered me and probably a big cause of me being pussified.

 

My last relationship of 7 years ended because she was cheating on me for 6 months at the end. I’ve developed some trust issues and some more insecurities. Fast forward to now, about 8-9 months later and I’m in this fantastic relationship with this amazing woman for 5 months. We are with each other every day now. I seriously had no intention of getting serious with another person for at least a year after my last relationship, so don’t know how it happened. I’m in love with this girl, but would never tell her this soon. Also moving overseas in a few months for a few years so that's an issue in itself.

 

She would freely talk about her past, and as I got closer to her it would start to piss me off. I finally asked her about the past, and this is where my issues started. Honestly wish I wouldn’t have dug in there because things were fine before that. Anyway she is my age, upper 20s, had sex with 40-50 guys, so she says. She partied a ton in college and had a lot of one night stands. She didn’t really have much self confidence going into school, so I think this played a big factor into it. She also worked at a summer camp for a long time, which is just a bunch of young people together all summer. She’s had a couple one night stands in the past few years, lots of short relationships. One of the recent ones was an on off again with an older guy for years that wasn’t very available to her, but she would always go back to him after something didn’t work out with someone else.

 

I found while we were out that she didn’t disclose something that happened recently and asked her about it. She said she was sorry for keeping something from me and that was it. Through shady means I found out other things, told her about it, said I was an ass for doing it, but that I didn’t trust her and sort of just emotionally stepped back from there. Somehow she wasn’t too upset at what I did, and has actually been very understanding. I’m just not sure what else she isn’t telling me.

 

I’ve never felt like I missed out on something, but being with her makes me wish I would have done a lot of that when I was younger. More so, so that I could at least understand it and maybe this would all fell ok. I’ve never been with a woman like her, so it’s all new. I don’t care that a woman has a past; it just seems like a lot. Are there things here that I should be concerned about? Is this something that goes away with time? Should I let her go so she can be with someone that isn’t so insecure about it? Should I let her because her colorful past is too much to handle? I would really love to hear from a female that has an extensive past and is now in a happy relationship. It’s hard to actually feel relevant when there has been so many before me, and of course it’s hard not to think of how I compare.

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When you act confident, but are in fact insecure, the term is arrogance, not confidence. Fix the insecurity, then you can be confident. Otherwise, like you said, it's all just an act and you'll never be happy wearing a mask for the rest of your life. As for your gf, I couldn't be with someone who can turn their emotions of like a robot.

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I think you have to remember that a person is the sum total of the experiences they have had. you say she is an amazing woman and you have a great relationship, but she might not be the same woman she is today if she had not had those experiences. she can't undo her past, it's like trying to unring a bell. People do things when they are younger that they may not be particularly proud of later on in life. If you can just accept it as a 'phase' you'd be better off. Otherwise, break up if you just can't get past her "number." you are moving away anyway, right?

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I'm a female but reading this could totally relate to what your saying. I have similar views like yourself and although I've learned to not care so much about a person's past sexual history, can understand why you are bothered by this. Here's my advice...

 

You JUST got out of a relationship where the woman cheated and already you are ignoring red flags where someone is being dishonest. You would think this woman would be mindful of how you are hurt and do her best to not betray your trust.

 

I'm similar in the sense that I got out of a relationship that ended in cheating about 10 months ago. I'm also moving overseas in a few months. I was dating a guy who has a colorful past and although he didn't betray my trust, he didn't treat me the way that I deserved. I'm not sure why I put up with it but lots of it may have to do with insecurities and baggage from the past. It's also a GREAT distraction from the pain and heartache from a failed relationship.

 

Seriously LEARN from what happened with your ex-girlfriend. You are seeing red flags. This girl has shown herself to be untrustworthy. I hope you get the strength to end it and are honest with why you are in this relationship... if it's still being used to cope with your last relationship failing then be 100% honest about it. You don't have to with us, but for your sake do it for yourself. This girl broke your trust and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT. You already got out of a bad relationship. Your next one should be awesome and with the move overseas, it sounds like it's time for you to start thinking about yourself and what you deserve in a partner.

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I found while we were out that she didn’t disclose something that happened recently and asked her about it. She said she was sorry for keeping something from me and that was it. Through shady means I found out other things, told her about it, said I was an ass for doing it, but that I didn’t trust her and sort of just emotionally stepped back from there. Somehow she wasn’t too upset at what I did, and has actually been very understanding. I’m just not sure what else she isn’t telling me.

 

What exactly happened?

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And to address your actual question... you just have to remember it's just a number and move past it. I don't believe someone should judge or reject a partner based on sexual history BUT I do think sexual history does show something about your values. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm very conservative sexually and I'm fine with that. I've dated promiscuous guys and people who are more conservative and it's never been an issue. However, I will be honest here. The guys I've been with who have a more colorful past, tend to not understand my distaste for one night stands or views on sex, just like I don't understand theirs. It's not a dealbreaker but does show an incompatibility somewhere.

 

The guys I've had successful long-term relationships with usually had similar values and morals to me in that regard to SOME degree. It doesn't mean we were totally in sync but it was something we both understood about each other. Again, I don't think it should be a dealbreaker and you shouldn't view it as a flaw. It may be an incompatibility and something you have to recognize that you may never truly understand. You just have to accept it though, doesn't mean you have to understand or even agree with it. It's her life and her choices and what makes her who she is. Just like you are you because of your choices and history. It's nothing to be envious of or disgusted by. Like I said, it may be healthier to view it as something different and may be a sign that you guys aren't totally compatible on that front, but it's not a big deal.

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I'm waiting to weigh in on whether she is trustworthy until I find out exactly what it was that she didn't disclose, and whether it happened while you were together. You can't just judge someone and call them untrustworthy because they went a little wild when they were in college.

 

As far as your insecurities and trust issues, I'd definitely work on those before you get involved seriously with someone. They will affect your relationship now, and in the future.

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What exactly was it that you snooped and found? Did she cheat, too? Was it any of your business in the first place?

 

I think that the fact that you jump straight into this relationship on the heels of a break up from cheating is your main problem. You didn't give yourself any time to process out the demise of the last relationship before you were distracting yourself from doing exactly that with getting involved with this woman.

 

I think that you do in fact care a lot that a woman has a past---if you didn't, you wouldn't have spent a paragraph talking about her exploits in college and the 40-50 guys she'd been with. If it seems like a lot to you, then you need to put her down and go find a virgin.

 

The only thing that should concern you is that she is STD free. That's it.

 

I think you should let her go and find a guy who isn't so insecure about something he cannot change. You are creating a competition in the same way one boxes with shadows. Don't confuse feelings of relevancy to you just feeling inadequate because you didn't have the same life experiences she did.

 

You and she had totally different upbringings and experiences which have led you both to be who you are today. She isn't wrong for her past and you aren't wrong for yours--you're just wrong for one another at this time in your lives. The number of lovers, really, is inconsequential. What matters is if she's faithful to you while she's in a relationship with you.... and you haven't been exactly clear on that point, which is why a couple of us here want to know what the deal was that put you into a tizzy?

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What exactly happened?

 

After she told me how many, she explained herself, how it was a phase in college and that's really when all the one night stands happened and she wasn't the same person anymore. She seemed very honest about everything that happened and her recent failed marriages. I mean who would feel comfortable telling their partner that they had a past like that? A few weeks went by and she said something about this week long event that she went to about a month before we started seeing each other. She ended up having a one night stand there, which she had left out when we discussed recent things that had happened.

 

A few weeks later I saw she left her email up on my computer so I looked. Absolute sh*t thing of me to do, I know. Anyway there was more in there than she told me about, one being a fling with a guy she still stays in contact with. They had a fling, then stopped, and were just friends, so I don't know how to take that. Either way, she made it a point not to tell me about that one for sure. All that was prior to me, and if you believe things she be left in the past, then her not disclosing certain things really doesn't matter.

 

As for my snooping, again that was a horrible thing to do. Not that this justifies it, but the reason I found out about my ex cheating was because I went through her texts. She had been acting strange for a while, and prior to that, I have never looked through anyone's personal items. I am just naturally suspicious now.

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Why on earth do you not feel entitled to judge someones fitness / reject someone as a romantic partner for you based on their values, as demonstrated through their behavior? That's like a waiter bringing you the wrong food and instead of sending it back and getting what you wanted, just feeling obligated to eat whatever someone throws your way.

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I don't disagree with a lot that you said. I don't know if she has cheated before. She said she didn't, but I don't know if it's just another thing she isn't telling me. She is also clean. I don't want or expect a virgin. I think you can agree that there is a lot in between virgin and 40ish partners. I think the hardest thing to take is that the majority of those were one night stands. I've never had emotionless sex, so it's something I can't really compare to, or understand why it was so much.

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Why on earth do you not feel entitled to judge someones fitness / reject someone as a romantic partner for you based on their values, as demonstrated through their behavior? That's like a waiter bringing you the wrong food and instead of sending it back and getting what you wanted, just feeling obligated to eat whatever someone throws your way.

 

I'm talking about someone's past. My ex-boyfriend had a promiscuous past but he told me all that changed. He had changed. In actuality, he did NOT change and he cheated on me twice in a relationship, one being a one-night stand and another being a married woman. I didn't care that he slept with loads of women since he had told me that he wasn't like that anymore. The last guy I was seeing was also promiscuous but it didn't really bother me either. I think because unlike my ex, he wasn't destroying marriages or people in the process. One night stands and FWBs are far different than having sex with anyone regardless of if they are married or in a relationship. Our values are different but that value isn't highly important to me. For instance I'm a Christian. I've dated atheists, agnostics and religious folks. Didn't bother me that much. It was different and certainly not a preference to date someone who is an atheist, but it was never a dealbreaker or something that bothered me in the long term. I hope that makes sense. I do have values that are dealbreakers but sexual past is NOT a dealbreaker... however if a guy told me he had sex with someone who was married and didn't care, then yes, a deal breaker since it shows he doesn't really value marriage or care about the impact of his actions.

 

Hence why I encourage the OP to figure out how much of a dealbreaker this is for him. It doesn't mean you need to get with a virgin like someone else suggested or completely not care about anyone's sexual history... but judging someone or it, being disgusted by it and having it bring out insecurities does like a problem to me.

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Re-read my original post if possible. This girl is bad news. I think you are repeating a cycle. She's already lying to you about big things and starting off a relationship by snooping is terrible. Trust is big and its a relief to date people and not feel the need to snoop like I did with my ex when he was cheating on me. This relationship is already starting off badly. I really think your focus should be more on her lying to you than the sexual past, since this is a much bigger deal.

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I don't disagree with a lot that you said. I don't know if she has cheated before. She said she didn't, but I don't know if it's just another thing she isn't telling me. She is also clean. I don't want or expect a virgin. I think you can agree that there is a lot in between virgin and 40ish partners. I think the hardest thing to take is that the majority of those were one night stands. I've never had emotionless sex, so it's something I can't really compare to, or understand why it was so much.

 

Again, your focus should be on her lying. At this point you can't trust what she's saying. A relationship cannot survive without trust, so try to focus on that issue if possible. The sex thing is putting too much of a focus on YOU and your insecurities. That's something you need to work on in ANY relationship since women are going to have a past regardless.... BUT the trust and lying is an issue coming from her. You just got out of a relationship that ended terribly. There's a lot of red flags with this woman and you are setting yourself up for another heartbreak that is only going to make your healing harder. Do yourself a favor and really reassess if you should be in this relationship. If someone is moving overseas the trust issue is just going to get worse.

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You're really making my point. You made a mistake by not judging your bf for his past because he had not changed like he said he did and you got burned as a result. You should feel free to judge anyone in regards to allowing them to be your partner on any criteria important to you. If you give up that right, you're gonna get burned.

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You're really making my point. You made a mistake by not judging your bf for his past because he had not changed like he said he did and you got burned as a result. You should feel free to judge anyone in regards to allowing them to be your partner on any criteria important to you. If you give up that right, you're gonna get burned.

 

Let's stick with the OP's problems please and I also respectfully appreciate your opinion but disagree. I made a lot of mistakes with my ex... his sexual past was FAR from it. Similar to the OP, my mistakes were ignoring red flags like lying about keeping in contact with folks, lies about things did and just lying in general. I think you can get burned for multiple reasons other than that. To each their own.

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There is no point in continuing this relationship. One, you are still damaged emotionally from the ex. You should be single and working on your trust issues with a therapist. Two, your trust issues are making you feel empowered to violate her trust. If you don't trust her enough to stay away from her email, you should not be with her. Three, you are leaving soon for a few years so there is not much of a future anyway.

 

She cannot change her past. If you cannot handle it or if it is not aligned with your values then move on.

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Yeah buddy it sounds like you really need time out for yourself. You don't sound in a good place to be in a relationship at all regardless of what she's up to. Even if she was perfect I get the feeling you'd be feeling insecure and snooping on her stuff which is really not on, you need to get over that before you can have a happy relationship with ANYONE. I understand WHY you have trust issues but a relationship can't work without trust.

 

As for her, the fact that she's willing to tell you about her past says to me that to her it isn't that big a deal. You say you can't understand why someone would be willing to be open about a past like hers then get uppity about her holding some things from you...what exactly do you want? You sound conflicted. Also I really don't think her past is that big a deal, I too have a colourful past but I've settled down with someone, and the very fact that I HAD those experiences means I don't get bored or long for something else, I've already been there and done that. Amusingly, you do mention that you wonder what you've missed out on. She doesn't wonder what she's missing out on as she's been there, done that, and chosen to settle down.

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I don't believe someone should judge or reject a partner based on sexual history BUT I do think sexual history does show something about your values.

 

Shared values is an important part of assessing long term compatibility. I think it's fair game to reject someone for their sexual values just as it fine to reject a someone for not being on the same page about kids.

 

Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm very conservative sexually and I'm fine with that. I've dated promiscuous guys and people who are more conservative and it's never been an issue. However, I will be honest here. The guys I've been with who have a more colorful past, tend to not understand my distaste for one night stands or views on sex, just like I don't understand theirs.

 

My boyfriend shares my views on sex, infidelity, boundaries with opposite sex friends, and countless other things. I wouldn't want it any other way. Having to explain why I'm uncomfortable and him not getting it would suck, and I'd imagine feel like wearing a glove that doesn't quite fit.

 

I wouldn't date someone with a past like that. I will never understand how anyone can sleep with a complete stranger. Once-fine everyone makes mistakes.. 25 times.. no that is addiction

 

I don't understand the new mindset that judging is "bad". Everyone judges. That's reality. Giving someone the benefit of doubt when your heart is on the line is not preferable to asserting what things are deal breakers to you.

 

I agree with you shelty. It seems like a pattern of behavior. I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a guy with a similar past as the OP's girlfriend for reasons previously stated.

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I think it's important to deal with ur insecurities first. Trust and doubt come from within, I know this because I'm also the same way. I've had a broken past with relationships and I honestly don't trust people in general because of it. In order to fix your doubts about your gf you need to work on the insecurities that make you feel this way about her. I agree, her past definitely doesn't help. 40-50 guys is a lot but this is who your gf is and it is her past. If you can't look past it, that problem never goes away for you... it might only get worse. It's time to either accept who she is or move on. People can change, you just have to be willing to put yourself out there to give her that faith.

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My goodness we almost have the same story. I'm still anxious and I just bought a house with her; that's right I'm nuts! I am conservative but with a high sex drive. Although I am not capable of having sex with someone randomly or that I don't love....

 

I think that people usually don't care about the past UNLESS there is an opening. She probably still has some leftover behaviours from her past...and you are picking it up unconciously or through other people's comments. On top of that she is talking about it which I don't know why she is doing that if she cared for you. My girlfriend also told me things I did not want to know....e.i. I dated black guys, I was two people at the same time...I never asked this stuff. I found she has slep with over 25+ PEOPLE because I started to see the truth via many methods. At the end you just feel drained, scared, anxious and find that the person you are with can't appreciated your individuality because they have been with so many people. I've posted in this forum with people telling me her past is not of my business BUT I know EXACTLY what you are feeling and you hope it will go away soon.

 

Anyways i'll keep posting so that people learn of my experience.

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