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My sister has a secret relationship with a married man


vaning

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I discovered my sister is seeing a married man who has 2 kids. I found out because my parents bought my son a tablet for christmas and apparently she's used it to check her email, and she didn't log off. I was looking for child friendly apps to download when a notification appeared in the form of an envelope. Since I hardly ever use the tablet it didn't cross my mind that it was a new email because my son doesn't have an email (he's 3 years old). So I selected the notification to see what it was about and an email opened. I started reading thinking someone had hacked my sons tablet, and halfway through my reading i checked to see who's email it was and i saw my sisters account. I kept on reading and basically she was telling him that she loved him and loved having sex with him and wanted to marry him and wanted a baby and would wait for him to take care of his "situation". She's been living here for less than a year so I thought it was somewhat surprising for her to be so madly in love already, specially when she's been divorced for like barely 6 months (more on that later *sigh*).

So I checked previous emails to see what his "situation" was, and it turns out he's married and has 2 children, and he and his wife are my sisters co-workers, they have the same or similar schedule.

You might think this isn't my business but I'm making it my business because of the following:

She got married two years ago with a man she had known for less than a year, and she got away with it by saying she couldn't stand living with my dad anymore, we all thought that she would elope or something if she didnt get her way so everyone decided to support her decision. My parents are very conservative and religious and would hardly ever let us go out with friends and things like that, so I guess she was tired of it. Anyway, so she got married and a few months later my mom mentions that my sister is having problems with her husband. I don't know exactly what problems they had but it seems he would go see his friends after they argued and sometimes would go back home until the next day.This of course is stupid and irresponsible on his part, but my sister didn't seem like the best girlfriend when we went to her wedding, she would always scold him or shut him up and he would just stay quiet after that, and she wouldn't be discreet about it.

So around her 1st anniversary she came to live with me, my husband, my son, my mom (who took care of my son) and I was pregnant at the time (my sister and my dad lived in another country). My dad sent her over so she could forget about him and got divorced a few months later, so they were married for 1 1/2 years at the most.

My dad decided to come live to the US to be close to my sister and my mom, and had to go though selling most of his possessions in a short amount of time and of course leaving the life he knew and enjoyed.

No one has ever opened her eyes and talked to her about the bad decision she took and everyone acts like nothing happened, and I know she doesn't appreciate the sacrifice my family has gone through for her.

So thats why I think she didn't even think twice before getting involved with this new guy, I mean come on! She's known him for about 6 months because thats how long she's been at that job. Will my parents have to move again to get her away from this man? I know they wouldn't do that but I know they will feel like what they did was for nothing.

And I do plan on telling my parents, I think they have a right to know. BTW, my mom moved out of my house and now she and my dad and sister live together close by.

I guess what I want to know is your opinion on what she's done, or do you think I'm overreacting? I'm really upset to be honest. She's always been immature and impulsive.

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And I do plan on telling my parents, I think they have a right to know.

 

No they don't.

 

You might think this isn't my business but I'm making it my business because of the following

 

I don't. And I think your reason is poor.

 

You should talk to your sister, but that's it. Everything else is just making drama, and from what you've wrote of your sister, won't help the situation at all.

 

 

 

I don't.

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Hmmm, this is a tough situation to be in. Part of me is saying gentle confront her and the other part of me is saying stay out if.

 

If you do want to talk to her do it in a very non-judgmental way. When you to are along say something like, "The other day I was trying to figure out how to use (son's name) tablet. And, I think I need to tell you, I ended up in your email. It was completely unintentional. I saw some things and just wanted you to know that while I do not approve of what you are doing I love you and if you need someone to talk to I'm here."

 

On the other hand, you may just need to let her fall on her face to learn.

 

EDIT: DO NOT TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS. There is no reason for them to know and it will most likely just drive your sister into the arms of this married man more. You have to think about the root cause of why she is doing what she is doing. I would bet all I have that a lot of it has to do with how your parents raised her. Often children who grow up in very strict households go wild once they have freedom. So tell you parents could only make this worse not better.

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It seems like you have a low opinion of your sister to begin with, and I understand where you’re coming from, considering all the background stories.

 

You talk about her more as if you're gossiping about her, rather than acting like a loving and worried sibling. You say you're making it your business because she lived/lives with you and that you believe your father sacrificed a lot on her behalf. I understand this and sympathize for your poor father, but he is an adult and he chose to make that decision.

 

In answer to your questions... my opinion about what she'd done is terribly unfortunate and I agree I'd be worried about it too if I found out in a similar manner. What would I do about it? Maybe exactly what you just did – post it here on ENA and get feedback. I would tell my sister what I thought of her decision if she asked but wouldn’t take it any further than that. It’s not my business; I have my own life to live.

 

Are you overreacting? I don't believe in that word. I believe that people react to whatever degree is appropriate for them, because we all have feelings. That being said, it's obvious to me you don't like your sister very much and most likely have years of pent-up negativity about her for whatever reason.

 

All I can say is, when you tell your parents, please try not to paint her in a negative light like you did on here. You will come off sounding spiteful and jealous.

 

Also, please find someone objective (like a therapist or close friend) to talk to about all this. Maybe getting it all off your chest will help you clear your head. Good luck.

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Pretty much what was said above. Your parents are adults making their own decisions and whether they are good, bad, you agree or disagree is irrelevant. They need to live their own life.

 

Your sister is an adult and needs to live her life and make her mistakes all on her own.

 

Frankly you are all way too involved with each other and "oh I found out something bad my sister is doing, I'm going to run to mommy and daddy and tell on her" is not only incredibly childish of you but actually rather unhealthy for your age and stage in life.

 

Basically, keep out of this. If your sister asks for advice, tell her what you think. If she doesn't talk to you, then it's not your business what she does. Any uninvited involvement in this from you and family is liable to do exactly what was already said - totally push her down the wrong path without hope of return and likely very bad consequences. Left to her own means, she is liable to learn a lesson from this about how cheating married men don't leave their wives and quietly walk away wiser for it.

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I agree with all those saying that your parents are adults who made their own choices. I'll even go one step further and say that it's one thing to view an email by accident (her mistake for leaving it open and accessible on someone else's device) but to then look through her emails to find out more seems wrong to me. You could have just stopped where you were and asked her about it.

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I think you should talk to her, simply because of the wanting to get pregnant by this man issue. That's the big issue. She is just going to bring a child into her messed up situation, what are the chances she gets knocked up by this man and he laves his family for her. None. Advice her to go to a sperm bank or something or whatever, but to think she can get pregnant for a married man and mess up their family further means she really needs therapy. I do not think that you should talk to your parents about this, why stress them further than they are already over your sister's actions and in hindsight what can they really do about it? Nothing. My advice is talk to her about what you know, find out why she is doing it and with regards to the baby situation try and dissuade her. Having a baby with a man that is married is the worst thing she can do, she doesn't realise it, but it is.

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Should you talk to her? Yep - you saw it, you can't "un-see" it, so come clean.

 

I agree with being as non-judgmental as possible. There's a potential that, with someone to talk to openly, she may realize herself how insane her sky high fantasies sound. And it puts you in a better position to sympathetically influence her to do the right thing, instead of putting her immediately on the "you can't understand!" defensive. If you can bring yourself to listen and ask sympathetic questions - it may lead you to be able to guide her gently to break things off and take a more realistic and practical look at what she wants, and better ways to get them.

 

Your parents - I wouldn't say anything. Not only is she an adult - but if she has even a minor rebellious streak, censure by her parents will immediately trigger "it's you and me against the world!" syndrome where she will stand by this affair even as it crashes and burns around her, just to prove she's not wrong. She's not so far out of teenager-hood that it's improbable - and from your assessment of her maturity, it's even LIKELY. So see what you can do to support her and steer her to see things better for herself.

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When people get themselves into a mess like this-there is no talking to them. She has already made a lot of bad decisions-she is not gonna listen or change no matter what you say.

 

Let her fall flat on her face-that is the only way to learn.

 

Read back through all the infidelity threads. I used to try so hard to make them realize how bad what they are doing is and that they need to come clean etc but now I don't bother coz these people generally have their head so far up in the clouds, so deluded-nothing we do or say really works. Again they need to fall hard on their face

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Why should you get your parents involved? She is a 25 year old grown woman. An adult. They have no responsibility to her whatsoever legally. Whatever elaborate steps they take to help her is is ON THEM, not her. She needs to learn that her mistakes have consequences and frankly you people need to stop bailing her sorry ass out. As for you, I'd tell her what you know, and that while you do not approve of what she's doing, but it's her life. Tell her if this blows up in her face you will not be there to pick up the pieces, and that you are doing her a favor by warning her now.

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I think you should talk to her, but that's it. She's an adult. Mommy and Daddy don't need to know unless she wants to tell them.

 

You also shouldn't snoop. Coming accross an email by accident is one thing. Going through her email is another.

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