Girlfriend of 5 years wants to see other people

[noyou]

Well she mentioned I can date around, so I will be doing so to as well.

[mhowe]

I am glad you have her permission to get on with your life.

[noyou]

I am glad you have her permission to get on with your life.

 

You know what guys.....She just text msged me saying that she didn't think I could make the 30 day break. I'm pissed now.

I'm def NC no ANYTHING. I gave my all to this and now I'm royally pissed. You know what I'm going to better myself for me and get me a nice paying job, maybe see someone else but you know what. You guys are right. I'm being a freaking puss about this and I need to man up. I told her not to NC during the break and she texted me up with this crap that I can't make it. She didn't freaking like what I did, TOO BAD.

It's time I handled this the correct way.

Sorry I was in denial guys, but not anymore.

[Edmund Exley]

You know what guys.....She just text msged me saying that she didn't think I could make the 30 day break. I'm pissed now.

I'm def NC no ANYTHING. I gave my all to this and now I'm royally pissed. You know what I'm going to better myself for me and get me a nice paying job, maybe see someone else but you know what. You guys are right. I'm being a freaking puss about this and I need to man up. I told her not to NC during the break and she texted me up with this crap that I can't make it. She didn't freaking like what I did, TOO BAD.

It's time I handled this the correct way.

Sorry I was in denial guys, but not anymore.

 

And you dont think shes playing games with you?

 

She saw you had your hair up and now shes going to call your bluff.

[Edmund Exley]

She doesnt know you found us to help you get through this.

[noyou]

And you dont think shes playing games with you?

 

She saw you had your hair up and now shes going to call your bluff.

 

Cold turkey. She can call it if she wants. She's being a B now, I don't deserve that or any of this.

[Raaawr]

Hi mate, bit late to the party but I shall reply anyway.

 

My girlfriend of 5 years wants to take a break to date other people.

Relationship is dead, you're done. Sorry but its true.

 

Recently me and my gf of 5 years said she wanted to have a break because she "didn't know if I was the one she wanted to be with the rest of her life." and that "she doesn't respect me as much because I have become too needy and made her my world" and that "she thinks we should both date around."

Basically, what she is saying here, is; I am not attracted to you anymore. Might seem harsh but that is it. She has become so secure in the relationship that she is no longer attracted, attraction is gone. You want what you cant have and all that.

 

Week 1-

 

I was reluctant at this at first but then after talking, we came to an agreement that we would take a break but still text and call each other. That soon turned too lets see each other on each other's lunch breaks. We would discuss what she really wanted out of this and she said a couple of things.

Bad call. You should have said no contact, gained some control of a situation you have lost control of.

 

1. She wanted to make sure her heart is in the right spot for me.

Translation; Am I really attracted to him?

 

2. She wanted to be sure that I could be strong without her, because she feels sometimes she has more flexability when it comes to that.

Translation; Can I be attracted to him again?

 

She mentioned that I have become clingy and controlling of things in the past months and that I let little things get to me, and this is true. I would let little things at work get to me and I know that it isn't attractive.

All about attraction mate, clingyness loses the attraction. Attraction is easy in the beginning as time goes on its damn tough to maintain.

 

So few weeks pass, I talk to some of her friends about whats going on when they ask and try to get helpful advice from them. This makes my gf mad because she thinks that I cannot trust her word and that she believes that I won't change.

Forget the friends, they are her friends first, you learn only what the girlfriend wants you to know.

 

I immedately say im sorry and I try to better myself from this.

Why? Man up. You did nothing wrong but you are trying to hard, you are playing in to her hands. Again, want what you cant have. You want more what you might feel you might lose. If she feels she has you forever? Boring. Next one!

 

Week 2-

 

We recently had an ice storm and I contacted her a bit too much and her friends too much again, again she gets after me and she says that I'm being to clingy again and that she is losing faith in me. I proceeded to tell her that we've been together a long time and most of the time during the week and that its hard just to quit cold turkey on her, and im trying my best to be better and that its hard and my 1st go around at a serious relationship. She is still angry but she accepts this. So later that evening I look up her email and find a dating profile website and I get upset and we argue that we want to call it off an I agree. She then proceeds to tell me that she did it for a reason and tries to validate it.

You sound really young... stop checking up on her, this is probably part of the problem.

 

We both come to an agreement that we both should see other people during a month break, in which this past weekend I went on a date with this woman who has the same problems as I and we talked about our problems and had a bit of synergy when it came to our issues and we decided that we should be true.

No offense mate, genuinely, but your relationship is probably done.

 

I let my girlfriend know that she really hurt me and even lied to me a couple times this week and that what she had built up of me thinking about her and loving her for 5 years she tarnished in 2 weeks. She proceeds to tell me that she didn't want to hurt me and that she felt that I was caging her in and she had no other choice. I then told her that I got what she wanted she wanted space, to see if her heart is in the right place and that she wanted to miss me and miss me for who she fell in love with, which is a confident, non-clingy guy that I used to be.

Stop talking to her. She said she wanted space. Stop talking to her.

 

She liked this and said she was proud of me for taking this action.

Good.

 

Yesterday I found out that she again lied to me about going to a friends place and a bar and that she went on a date with this guy and went to his apartment to hang out, she told me that he wanted to kiss her goodnight but she didn't want to and pulled away, she said the date was alright and she might want to see him again but he might not feel the same from the pull away.

So what? Stop asking questions, seriously. She doesnt want you to know, thats why she is lying. Stop asking, no more lies. Stop caring and suddenly; "holy why does he not give a ?".

 

I felt betrayed that she lied to me again and that I don't know how to react to this anymore. I know what she wants in terms of me being a better guy and not need her but want her, and to handle my own business, but at the same time I feel that she is keeping me around as Plan B.

You dont react. You are enabling her to keep you around as Plan B.

 

Today we had a talk that I didn't want her to screw with me and that I'm having a hard time trusting her and that I really do want to make this work, and she said she wants to make this work too and date again after the break we have.

Honestly, dont believe any of this .

 

But i let her know that I didn't want to be her Plan B and that this getting back together that she promised me wouldn't be half hearted and just dump me whenever. She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't think I'd change all that much within the next month. I told her I know I made some mistakes and some that I had nothing to fear over but the thing is I am afraid to lose her and not to crucify me for it and I'm trying to better myself. She also mentioned again that she wanted a strong non-clingy man that she fell in love with to come back, so that way she can fall back in love with me all over again. She says she still misses me and cares for me and that she wouldn't be thinking of getting back together or making future plans with me if she didn't care for me.

Boom! She is telling you exactly what to do. Stop being a clingy ass. Stop questioning her. Get your own interests. Let her slip to the back of your mind. If she comes back, fantastic. If she doesnt, well youve probably learned a bit about yourself and attracted someone else. its a win;win situation. Continue how you are going and you can only lose.

 

I feel now that in order to prove this maturity of not needing her but I want her senario, I need to not talk to her AT ALL during this period of the break. Let her do what she wants, not worry about anything and do my own thing, and at the end or before the of the break, let her make contact and if she said she wants to be back together then it will happen.

Correct! Harsh truth though, she is gone.

 

Yes I'm a foolish guy but I love her and care for her, and I know she loves and cares for me too.

Hope so, but honestly, you probably dont know . You can think what you want but you only know yourself, work on making yourself attractive.

[noyou]

What im going to do is better myself, be NC, wait for her to initiate. If she doesn't, move on. I've already made up my mind. If she wants me, she'll get with me. If not, done. I do need to move on, and maybe she will realize what she had and miss it. Only time will tell. I know everyone is irritated by my answers and excuses but I know that I've been pushed way to far now and I will better myself for me, and like Raaawr said, i need to focus on making myself attractive again. This includes working out, getting a higher paying job, bettering my life in general and just going to have fun an have a good time. She's obviously doing it. Why not me.

[Raaawr]

What im going to do is better myself, be NC, wait for her to initiate. If she doesn't, move on. I've already made up my mind. If she wants me, she'll get with me. If not, done. I do need to move on, and maybe she will realize what she had and miss it. Only time will tell. I know everyone is irritated by my answers and excuses but I know that I've been pushed way to far now and I will better myself for me, and like Raaawr said, i need to focus on making myself attractive again.

Good job mate. Nothing quite like the spur of an ex loved one to better yourself. Works wonders, never know where you will end up.

[noyou]

Good job mate. Nothing quite like the spur of an ex loved one to better yourself. Works wonders, never know where you will end up.

 

Also who knows, With all her problems that she's had with me and the problems she has with her mother, things won't last with other men, considering they won't put up with that nonsense.

[Edmund Exley]

What im going to do is better myself, be NC, wait for her to initiate. If she doesn't, move on. I've already made up my mind. If she wants me, she'll get with me. If not, done. I do need to move on, and maybe she will realize what she had and miss it. Only time will tell. I know everyone is irritated by my answers and excuses but I know that I've been pushed way to far now and I will better myself for me, and like Raaawr said, i need to focus on making myself attractive again. This includes working out, getting a higher paying job, bettering my life in general and just going to have fun an have a good time. She's obviously doing it. Why not me.

 

Make no mistake, she will contact you. But it will be with total ambivalence. She will want to string you along to know your on the back burner while she feels her way around the dating world. She already has more or less told you "Ha, you cant stay away". Don't think for a second she wont use that power.

[noyou]

Make no mistake, she will contact you. But it will be with total ambivalence. She will want to string you along to know your on the back burner while she feels her way around the dating world. She already has more or less told you "Ha, you cant stay away". Don't think for a second she wont use that power.

 

Then let her use it. Find out that it's not her power

[Edmund Exley]

Then let her use it. Find out that it's not her power

 

Well, that's up to you.

[Glowguy]

What im going to do is better myself, be NC, wait for her to initiate. If she doesn't, move on. I've already made up my mind. If she wants me, she'll get with me. If not, done. I do need to move on, and maybe she will realize what she had and miss it. Only time will tell. I know everyone is irritated by my answers and excuses but I know that I've been pushed way to far now and I will better myself for me, and like Raaawr said, i need to focus on making myself attractive again. This includes working out, getting a higher paying job, bettering my life in general and just going to have fun an have a good time. She's obviously doing it. Why not me.

 

This is step in the right direction. Realistically things are lot easier said than done. You might have a lapse or two (try your best to resist but it happens). Don't beat yourself if you make a mistake just go back to No Contact. She is going to test you especially around the holidays.

 

Here is the thing though and a question you should really really think about hard. What are you going to do if she does initiate contact and want to reconcile after a month? IMO that might be a worst case scenario for you because you will still be receptive to it and it can drag this out for another six months to a year or who knows how long. She already made up her mind a long time ago about this. Someone who loves you will not put you through this type of situation. Think about this from your side - would you ever willingly choose to put someone you care about through this kind of painful unresolved limbo? The answer of course - is Hell no - you would cut the chord. If she does want to reconcile it will be out of desperation and it will not be genuine. If she is going to put you through this after 5 years then just think about what could happen after 10 or 15 years when you might have kids and things really get difficult. She is being cruel and she does not love you anymore. I think you should just move on but you will have to come to that realization on your own.

 

Honestly the best thing you can do is just assume she is out banging random dudes. Get angry about it. It's not fair to you at all and it's probably the reality. If she comes crawling back it's because she had her fun at your expense.

[Glowguy]

You know what guys.....She just text msged me saying that she didn't think I could make the 30 day break. I'm pissed now.

 

Also if I were in your shoes then I would take this as an invitation to dump her. Something like:

 

You know what you're right - I'm going to do this now. I deserve a lot better than this after five years (you do). Your actions are completely disrespectful (they are) and this is not going to work. If you want to be with other guys (she does and is doing so right in front of your eyes and flaunting it) then so be it. This relationship is over (trust me - you don't want her back - keep telling yourself this until you believe it). Good luck to you.

 

Her actions are indicative of someone who has a lot of misplaced contempt and animosity towards you not someone who cares about you. Also people usually only take these kind of 'breaks' because they have someone already lined up. Her actions are cowardly, disrespectful, and spiteful. You DO NOT have to tolerate them and you will feel a lot better after you stand up for yourself. Bad breakups are really just an exercise in mental toughness. If you get in the right mindset than you can get over this much more quickly.

[noyou]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. All of you.

[Ms Darcy]

First of all - I'm sorry this happened to you. This kind of situation is especially tough when you have been with someone for so long. Well it's pretty clear that the writing is on the wall here and you are only prolonging your own agony by being at her beck and call. You can either exit with dignity or continue to cater to her selfish whims. She is looking out for herself now and you should do the same.

 

I agree. I am glad to hear you are starting to take care of yourself.

[noyou]

I agree. I am glad to hear you are starting to take care of yourself.

 

I am. I started getting into a weight lifting routine that I used to do back when I was in high school but even more intense now! I've been doing this workout and running everyday and I vent my anger and sorrow through it too. I just had an interview today with a major financial company for a financial analyst and I felt it went good, and I got plenty of looks from women in the office. Some of them DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! I feel WAY more empowered now! I do get the hints of sadness from time to time about the break and the gf, but you know what? She wanted this, and in the end, if and i mean IF she wants to get back together, she might have to do some mega groveling, just like I shamefully did.

 

If not, I'm sure the women I met in the office today will be glad to have a man like me and she will date nothing but losers and pigs the rest of her life (She dated trash before meeting me)

 

You know something? This break is probably the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm taking my life back

I might get a better job

I already have looks from the weight I lost, im taking more care of myself, eating right.

Im going out with friends and rekindling old friendships.

 

Yeah, shes missing out on me.

[Ms Darcy]

Then keep it up. Exercise is definitely important - to release negative energy and to help regulate your emotions.

[stuka80]

Good job man, im glad you are taking this situation and making something good out of it.

 

We've all been there man, thats why we are here on enotalone. What we are telling you is from experience. I wish i had gotten this kind of advice when i was going through my breakup. It was only after did i realize what i shouldve done right from the beginning. So what we are advising you is what we ourselves realized we shouldve done after all the pain and heartache had subsided.

[noyou]

Good job man, im glad you are taking this situation and making something good out of it.

 

We've all been there man, thats why we are here on enotalone. What we are telling you is from experience. I wish i had gotten this kind of advice when i was going through my breakup. It was only after did i realize what i shouldve done right from the beginning. So what we are advising you is what we ourselves realized we shouldve done after all the pain and heartache had subsided.

 

Absolutely. I'm trying to better myself for me and not her. I want to radiate confidence, alpha, determination and ambition. I want her to realize what exactly she up and left to date random guys that aren't worth a dime that want to use her for nothing but sex (if she has that mindset, and I took care of that mindset while together ). The more I think about it and feel about it, she made a GIGANTIC mistake.

[unsexed]

Go date other people too and hang out with girls at the very least. Tell her you understand give her space but that she can call u anytime. .. And she'll come running back after she's been screwed over. It could take a day or a year but it'll happen. You might not even want to be with her after that

[noyou]

Go date other people too and hang out with girls at the very least. Tell her you understand give her space but that she can call u anytime. .. And she'll come running back after she's been screwed over. It could take a day or a year but it'll happen. You might not even want to be with her after that

Girls are not my main focus, plus if she does get back with me she can only use that as fodder that "oh well you dated around"

[lerenard]

I think it is very unfair, and you should break-up with her, she has no respect towards you, and she is manipulating above all that.

Open relationships are coo, but only if BOTH partners agree to the terms. You don't! So she basically goes and sleeps with whomever she wants, while you are left there, hanging, waiting for her? What if she wont ever come back to you fully? And you are not allowed to be angry because, yes, you were free to do the same, but you chose not to so its your problem.

 

You deserve better. She clearly has no deep feelings for you, she is bored and she wants others, not you.

[unsexed]

Girls are not my main focus, plus if she does get back with me she can only use that as fodder that "oh well you dated around"

 

Hopefully she's not that kind of person to throw things in your face. Either way you should let her know that you are there for her and going to take this break to grow yourself and leave her be. Sorry this is happening, been there before on her end. I left, was smothered and it pushed me further away. Who knows if I would've went back on my own in my heart probably not... But some people do.

 

Can you answer my question Forum?