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Girlfriend of 5 years wants to see other people


noyou

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My girlfriend of 5 years wants to take a break to date other people.

 

Recently me and my gf of 5 years said she wanted to have a break because she "didn't know if I was the one she wanted to be with the rest of her life." and that "she doesn't respect me as much because I have become too needy and made her my world" and that "she thinks we should both date around."

 

Week 1-

 

I was reluctant at this at first but then after talking, we came to an agreement that we would take a break but still text and call each other. That soon turned too lets see each other on each other's lunch breaks. We would discuss what she really wanted out of this and she said a couple of things.

 

1. She wanted to make sure her heart is in the right spot for me.

 

2. She wanted to be sure that I could be strong without her, because she feels sometimes she has more flexability when it comes to that.

 

She mentioned that I have become clingy and controlling of things in the past months and that I let little things get to me, and this is true. I would let little things at work get to me and I know that it isn't attractive.

 

So few weeks pass, I talk to some of her friends about whats going on when they ask and try to get helpful advice from them. This makes my gf mad because she thinks that I cannot trust her word and that she believes that I won't change.

 

I immedately say im sorry and I try to better myself from this.

 

Week 2-

 

We recently had an ice storm and I contacted her a bit too much and her friends too much again, again she gets after me and she says that I'm being to clingy again and that she is losing faith in me. I proceeded to tell her that we've been together a long time and most of the time during the week and that its hard just to quit cold turkey on her, and im trying my best to be better and that its hard and my 1st go around at a serious relationship. She is still angry but she accepts this. So later that evening I look up her email and find a dating profile website and I get upset and we argue that we want to call it off an I agree. She then proceeds to tell me that she did it for a reason and tries to validate it.

 

We both come to an agreement that we both should see other people during a month break, in which this past weekend I went on a date with this woman who has the same problems as I and we talked about our problems and had a bit of synergy when it came to our issues and we decided that we should be true.

 

I let my girlfriend know that she really hurt me and even lied to me a couple times this week and that what she had built up of me thinking about her and loving her for 5 years she tarnished in 2 weeks. She proceeds to tell me that she didn't want to hurt me and that she felt that I was caging her in and she had no other choice. I then told her that I got what she wanted she wanted space, to see if her heart is in the right place and that she wanted to miss me and miss me for who she fell in love with, which is a confident, non-clingy guy that I used to be.

 

She liked this and said she was proud of me for taking this action.

 

Yesterday I found out that she again lied to me about going to a friends place and a bar and that she went on a date with this guy and went to his apartment to hang out, she told me that he wanted to kiss her goodnight but she didn't want to and pulled away, she said the date was alright and she might want to see him again but he might not feel the same from the pull away.

 

I felt betrayed that she lied to me again and that I don't know how to react to this anymore. I know what she wants in terms of me being a better guy and not need her but want her, and to handle my own business, but at the same time I feel that she is keeping me around as Plan B.

 

Today we had a talk that I didn't want her to screw with me and that I'm having a hard time trusting her and that I really do want to make this work, and she said she wants to make this work too and date again after the break we have. But i let her know that I didn't want to be her Plan B and that this getting back together that she promised me wouldn't be half hearted and just dump me whenever. She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't think I'd change all that much within the next month. I told her I know I made some mistakes and some that I had nothing to fear over but the thing is I am afraid to lose her and not to crucify me for it and I'm trying to better myself. She also mentioned again that she wanted a strong non-clingy man that she fell in love with to come back, so that way she can fall back in love with me all over again. She says she still misses me and cares for me and that she wouldn't be thinking of getting back together or making future plans with me if she didn't care for me.

 

I feel now that in order to prove this maturity of not needing her but I want her senario, I need to not talk to her AT ALL during this period of the break. Let her do what she wants, not worry about anything and do my own thing, and at the end or before the of the break, let her make contact and if she said she wants to be back together then it will happen.

 

Yes I'm a foolish guy but I love her and care for her, and I know she loves and cares for me too.

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Didn't see any mention of you having any desire to date others. Do you plan to do that? And will you do it seriously or will you be comparing them to her, the girl that decided she's had enough of you and let you go? I advise forgetting her for good.

 

There is some desire but at the end, I want to get back with her and try things anew, also because she is willing to. She hasn't let me go, she said shes thought on it some times but she wants to give me a shot to show that I can change.

 

I think it is a great idea --- so prove to her you are not clingy. Get on with your life, and wait to hear from her at some point 30 days from now.

This also includes not asking her friends about her as well.

 

I know and it is really hard considering we've been together so long, I know that I need to be a stronger man and do what i need to do, and forget about her because she said she wants to date again and she will be there for me at the end.

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You should never, ever be forced to PROVE your love in this way... she is basically manipulating you in order to get what she wants. She either wants to keep you on the back burner in case she doesn't meet a man she likes better or dating around isn't as fun as she thought, or she's doing a 'slow dump' where she is easing you out the door, using you as a 'friend' until she is really ready to fly free and/or meets a man she's really hot for.

 

If someone says they need 'space' or a 'break', then that is what you give them, all the space in the word as in NO contact unless that contact is about wanting to get back together with you again. Otherwise she is using you to get over you and get with another man. Sometimes if you make them go cold turkey when they request a break, it will make them feel the loss and the void and realize what you did mean to them. But if you are there patiently waiting in the background and there for whenever she wants you, then she has no incentive at all to get over the break or hurry up and make up her mind and choose you before you're gone.

 

So you're in a 'one down' position if you agree to this break in the way she wants it, and it will make you insecure and miserable. So take your own control back. As in telling her, 'if you want a break, then let's make it a REAL break and we won't talk or text for a month. At that end of the month let's touch base and see if you feel you made a mistake and want me back. But I am not willing to be in limbo or be your 'bestest friend' while you pursue and date other men. You're either in or out, and so am I.' Never let yourself be 'demoted' to friend, even for a short while. That puts her totally in control as your judge and jury, and that is an impossible place for her to put you in.

 

And then you stick to it and cut contact with her unless she is actively talking getting back together NOW, not in some nebulous future time. Take back your power rather than sniveling at her feet hoping to be a good enough boy that she'll deem you worthy and come back. Don't give her too much power over your life, keep your own power and recognize that you have it, and it's your life and you don't want to live it sniveling at her feet while she bullies you and calls you weak.

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This is probably the best help I've gotten. I feel totally this way. I get angry that I'm jumping all these hoops and getting built up with confidence and torn down...but at the same time I want to make this work.

What I planned on doing is just NC without telling her, because she wants to stay in contact. I mean i do too but I do know thats where she has all the control because she knows I love her.

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So basically you are on the backburner while she is going out to meet other guys.. You need to work on yourself and go NC because she is basically just manipulating you right now.. She decided on the break (which really is a break up the way she is seeing it).. She wants to see other people.. So, you should be doing the same and cut her loose.. It's not fair to have you in limbo because that is exactly what is happening... Cease contact with her and move on because she is playing games.. The only reason she should be contacting you again is if she wants to reconcile (because it seems you can't be friends with her).. If she ain't, then you continue to move on with your life..

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So basically you are on the backburner while she is going out to meet other guys.. You need to work on yourself and go NC because she is basically just manipulating you right now.. She decided on the break (which really is a break up the way she is seeing it).. She wants to see other people.. So, you should be doing the same and cut her loose.. It's not fair to have you in limbo because that is exactly what is happening... Cease contact with her and move on because she is playing games.. The only reason she should be contacting you again is if she wants to reconcile (because it seems you can't be friends with her).. If she ain't, then you continue to move on with your life..

 

I know that's what I should do in the first place, but its always like in 5 days, she will contact me saying she misses me and loves me. Thats what makes it hard and I get sent mixed messages. She's one to keep her promises so I believe at the end of this month we might be stronger. If not then I'll be stronger and more appealing and she will be let alone with guys who might just want her for sex or a rebound.

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So you enjoy being expendable?

 

Of course not and I stated to her I'm not Plan B. I shouldn't have to go through this just for love and its not fair to me when I give my all to her.

The hardest thing is, she was never like this during our relationship prior to 2 months ago when I felt something was wrong.

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Of course not and I stated to her I'm not Plan B. I shouldn't have to go through this just for love and its not fair to me when I give my all to her.

The hardest thing is, she was never like this during our relationship prior to 2 months ago when I felt something was wrong.

 

Yet you continue to be Plan B. Every heard about the difference between actions and words?

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I know that's what I should do in the first place, but it always like in 5 days, she will contact me saying she misses me and loves me. Thats what makes it hard and I get sent mixed messages.

 

Well, when she does that "miss you" line again. Your response should basically (probably not in these words) be something like " If you miss and love me then we should reconcile and work on us".. If she has an excuse for why she can't right now, then, basically, you say something like "If you are not up to reconciling, then I am not up to this break or being friends" then go No Contact.. Don't put up with her games.. Even though you can't see it, you are her plan B..

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Yet you continue to be Plan B. Every heard about the difference between actions and words?

 

Love does make one blind and do things one normally wouldn't do. I know the answer is obvious that I SHOULD dump her and part of me still feels that way.... but at the same time, we had some really awesome times and had alot of great loving moments, and I outweighed the bad and I want to stick to this to see if things were meant to be. I get alot of "You're just a hopeless romantic" and I am.

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Well, when she does that "miss you" line again. Your response should basically (probably not in these words) be something like " If you miss and love me then we should reconcile and work on us".. If she has an excuse for why she can't right now, then, basically, you say something like "If you are not up to reconciling, then I am not up to this break or being friends" then go No Contact.. Don't put up with her games.. Even though you can't see it, you are her plan B..

 

I just wish she saw all the things I do, and maybe it will take NC to show her what she's missing out on. Maybe she is confused about things (she has mentioned that). She did have a man she almost married before she met me and he let her down IMMENSELY, so much that she's told me she is afraid of commitment.

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Love does make one blind and do things one normally wouldn't do. I know the answer is obvious that I SHOULD dump her and part of me still feels that way.... but at the same time, we had some really awesome times and had alot of great loving moments, and I outweighed the bad and I want to stick to this to see if things were meant to be. I get alot of "You're just a hopeless romantic" and I am.

The more you stick around being plan B, the longer she is going to continue playing you (and drift to someone else).. People only do what you allow. Stop being a doormat.

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First of all - I'm sorry this happened to you. This kind of situation is especially tough when you have been with someone for so long. Well it's pretty clear that the writing is on the wall here and you are only prolonging your own agony by being at her beck and call. You can either exit with dignity or continue to cater to her selfish whims. She is looking out for herself now and you should do the same. The easiest and fastest way to do that is to just rip the band aid off and power through it. I would suggest you stop playing by her rules and just break up - period. Reality is going to set in for her real quick when that happens and she absolutely will change her tactics to keep you on the back burner. DO NOT get sucked back into her games and maintain no contact for as long as you need. There are many threads on this forum about that and I suggest you start reading them. Willpower is crucial here.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who wants to date other people? She is looking for a new boy toy but still wants your emotional support while she slowly detaches from the relationship. I think she has lost her respect for you now and it sounds like you had some codependency issues (I have in the past too). She may come to the realization that she made a mistake but it will take lots of time and you need to give it to her. I'm not going to sugercoat things - this is really going to suck for you and you are in for a tough couple of months to say the least. People are resilient though and you can get through this. Checking up on her will only prolong your suffering. Remove her from social media, do not hang around with her close friends, and start making some new friends of your own. Start volunteering, take up a new hobby, take long walks, basically do whatever it takes to distract yourself from your situation. Fake it till you make it.

 

Good luck!

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I've pretty much set in my mind that these next couple of weeks I will be NC even if she texts me or call me. She needs to know how I felt in utter despair of the fact of losing someone. At the same time I am respecting what she wants because I can say what I want but I can't stop her if she ultimately wants to go elsewhere. However I do know that I need to work on me in every shape and form. I am a attractive charismatic guy but I felt in the last couple of years that it has slipped a bit and I became a shell of who I once was, and maybe thats the reason why she did what she did.

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If someone tells you they want to see other people, the relationship is dead. Dead as a doornail.

 

Since when did 'romantic' mean throwing away all dignity??

 

It was a load of crap to tell you her issue is with you being clingy; or that this is due to your actions at all. IF she had issue with that, WHILE IN the relationship was the time for her to discuss that with you. That was when you could do something, make a change, and salvage the relationship if possible.

 

It's heartless to lay that on someone when breaking up with them. But keeping them around as a play thing of sorts. Which is what she is doing.

 

Sorry but your ex is not exactly being a sweetie right now. She's broken up with you - time to act like it. Don't let her play you about.

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Just be honest. Tell her that you are going to give her space, but there is a chance that when she decides to come back, you might not be there for her. Be honest about what you feel (that this is not the outcome you'd hoped for) but that this situation is a result of her choices.

 

I think it's admirable that you recognize you've perhaps become a bit needy in the relationship, but she should have sat you down and discussed it with you instead of initiating a break with rules that only she is allowed to dictate.

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If someone tells you they want to see other people, the relationship is dead. Dead as a doornail.

 

Since when did 'romantic' mean throwing away all dignity??

 

It was a load of crap to tell you her issue is with you being clingy; or that this is due to your actions at all. IF she had issue with that, WHILE IN the relationship was the time for her to discuss that with you. That was when you could do something, make a change, and salvage the relationship if possible.

 

It's heartless to lay that on someone when breaking up with them. But keeping them around as a play thing of sorts. Which is what she is doing.

 

Sorry but your ex is not exactly being a sweetie right now. She's broken up with you - time to act like it. Don't let her play you about.

 

I'm thinking this NC will help alot of issues out.

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Just be honest. Tell her that you are going to give her space, but there is a chance that when she decides to come back, you might not be there for her. Be honest about what you feel (that this is not the outcome you'd hoped for) but that this situation is a result of her choices.

 

I think it's admirable that you recognize you've perhaps become a bit needy in the relationship, but she should have sat you down and discussed it with you instead of initiating a break with rules that only she is allowed to dictate.

 

I've told her this that I might find someone and not be with you, and she said that she might regret going on a break.

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Love does make one blind and do things one normally wouldn't do. I know the answer is obvious that I SHOULD dump her and part of me still feels that way.... but at the same time, we had some really awesome times and had alot of great loving moments, and I outweighed the bad and I want to stick to this to see if things were meant to be. I get alot of "You're just a hopeless romantic" and I am.

 

That's why they call it "hopeless".

 

Don't let being a romantic be an excuse for being walked on.

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SHE thinks you have to work for her love and that only SHE can decide wether you two belong with each other???

 

Turn the tables on her, talk to her and say along the lines of "Break? its not in my vocabulary, either we're together or we're not, so since you want to see other guys, i will walk away, let me know if you want to get back together and if im still single by then and IF i still want you then maybe we can talk about it, but only talk to me IF you want to get together, aside from that, dont contact me in anyway"

 

BOOM! then walk away and go NO CONTACT. Congratulations you kept your self respect and dignity while at the same time wrestling the power that she thought she had in her hands and putting it right back into yours. It will be hard and it takes courage to be able to do what's right for yourself, do you have what it takes?

 

OR you can continue playing along with her ridiculous games and be her lapdog while she goes out and has crazy monkey sex with other guys while you're left all alone in the dust. I dont know about you but the choice seems simple.

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Gals and Guys, thanks for the great info. I decided to text her up saying that "Not to call or text me until the break is over, or unless you want to reconcile if you don't, then dont call me till Jan 9th."

 

She responded with an "Ok"

 

I feel a bit better because this will be with first time I actually denied my talking with her in our 5 year relationship.

 

Thanks alot guys. I'll let the thread know if anything comes about. Until then, I will better myself for me and maybe within time or soon, she will come back to me and realized she made a mistake.

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