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Girlfriend of 5 years wants to see other people

noyou

By noyou
in Relationship Advice

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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Dude, she checked out of the relationship (not the friendship) a long time ago. It was just a matter of you figuring that out. Good luck on your healing journey!

 

To be honest, I don't think she knows what she wants and/or she's an idiot. Tons of mixed msgs and games. She figures the grass is greener, good luck with that. She doesn't want to be compromised in terms of her way of life and relationships are about compromise when you come down to it. I was willing to do such on major things, she wasn't willing to do it on minor things, let alone important things.

 

I realize she was immature and childish through the last 2 years of the relationship and I need a strong woman who doesn't play games.

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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Glad you found that inner strength and received the wake-up call that she is playing games and was trying to make a fool out of you in the process.

 

You do deserve better and I'm very happy to see you realize that, as well!!

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

UPDATE-

I was contacted by one of her friends today and asked how I was doing. Of course I'm skeptical of this because it's one of her friends. Of course I'm doing fine, and I even mentioned that I went on 2 dates since the break up (which is true). Her friend proceeded to mention that she wasn't at all happy about the breakup and that she was angry at me.

 

I replied, "good, this is what she wanted is it not? Free from me and the ability to go do what she wants, that taste of freedom and attention from other men that will use her? She wanted this, I wanted to stay with her, so she got exactly what she wanted. On another note, I'd appreciate it if one of her friends not contact me about this because she wanted so bad for her friends not to know so that way she can play victim. She can fight her own battles, can't she?"

 

And then she hung up on me.

 

Typical, her friends are the same way. More and more I'm glad I broke up now. Her friends are as messed up as she is.

 

Sad

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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It is sad to say but I feel that if she called you right now to get back together, you would take her back.

 

You are the second fiddle. I don't mean to be harsh but she dumped you. You are in denial and haven't accepted that yet.

 

Interesting you just said that because she just called me and I ignored it.

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stuka80 Enthusiast

stuka80

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she just called me and I ignored it.

 

My question is, for how long can you ignore it? Here's what you need to do, whenever her or her friends try to contact you or call you i would ignore it because all they want to do is spy on you so that she can get her info and feel better because she knows what you're doing. When she doesn't know what you're up to it will be torture for her, besides they dont need to know your business, they're her friends not yours. If for whatever reason you do pick up, do not talk about the breakup and if they start telling you what your ex is up to just tell them you dont want to know and change the subject.

 

Here is the only time you should even consider responding to your ex, when you see a text message saying "i want you back", then you can decide whether to take her back or not.

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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I only picked up because I didn't recognize the number and I'm awaiting calls from jobs about interviews and such, so when I answered they asked my name, I was like, "Oh ok, this is prob for a job."

 

NOPE lol

 

Update -

 

The call from the ex (listened to voicemail) was about the jewelry situation in which she didn't feel that she should give the promise ring I gave her, back to me....

I told her when we broke up on Friday to "return my jewelry and stuff I gave you"

 

Come to find out, my folks laid into her about how a evil she was being and that she needed to give the stuff back on Friday after they asked what had happened with this.

 

She's not my gf anymore, why should she keep it? She's not entitled to it.

Unless she holds some type of value to it. (Emotion or Money)

 

Either way she sent me a text msg saying that "Thanks to your family, any chance of reconciliation was gone and will give everything back"

 

I had no control of what my family did, they deserve to be mad at her, but I didn't tell them to rip her a new one.

 

Well she wanted the break up, why use that against me?

She's just mad that she has a problem now with my family, where her mother had a problem with me for 4 years for no logical reason and/or she might be having doubts now, since I called it off on Friday. That and she's trying to get me to stand up to my folks because I'd usually stand up to them for the gf. Once again, her part being lazy, even after the realtionship is over.

 

Either way, moving on. I got a job interview with 2 engineering companies tomorrow.

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stuka80 Enthusiast

stuka80

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I personally wouldn't have asked for the stuff back for a couple of reason.

 

1. you gave it to her, doesn't matter if you guys aren't together anymore it was a gift. you dont give someone a gift and then ask for it back when things go south

2. i wouldn't want them because it would remind me of her.(Personally this is what i did when i broke up with my ex. She asked me when i wanted my stuff back and i told her she can do whatever she wanted with them, i didn't want it. And all the gifts that she ever gave me, i threw in a fire and burned it all, didn't matter the monetary value, i felt the need to physically destroy them to move on. I went hard mode NC)

 

Also, people really need to stay out of your issues with her. All its doing is prolonging this whole thing and causing more drama than necessary. The best way to get back at her is to just keep her in the dark and not show her that it's affecting you and everyone around you. Just move on!

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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I believe it's deeper than that, when her brothers and other family members are questioning what she is doing now when she's making a fool/making the wrong decisions for herself. She's effecting a lot of people that I had no means to be in our business. She's prolonging the drama as well because she wants attention that she's not getting. Her family is concerned too as well as mine.

 

Either way I didn't call her or contact her whatsoever. I completely ignored all the texts and such because it's obviously a cry for attention, sympathy and pity.

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lerenard Contributor

lerenard

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I agree - asking your stuff back is just... bad. You gave it to her - leave it there. And no, its not always about some kind of value with the things you keep after you broke up. Its about getting over yourself and leaving a relationship with dignity and some respect. Even if you think she doesn't deserve it - you are not the one to judge.

I also agree - you seem to be in denial. Instead of making your peace with the fact that you broke up you express hate and anger towards her. Not good.

She wanted to see other people and then dumped you - why you think she wants attention from you?

Mind your own business and don't try to figure out what she thinks/feels and what kind of games is she playing. You can NEVER know that for sure, and obsessing about it is not a good way out. Take care about YOU and about YOUR ways to heal and go on with your life. You play a part in all that drama by trying to get your stuff back or talk about her so much. Tell your family and friends to stop bringing that topic up if they do. That is inappropriate.

Get busy with your job and stuff. Good luck.

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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Update-

 

So she returned all my jewelry but one piece, the promise ring that meant the most out of all of the jewelry. She "misplaced it" and didn't know where she put it. (Obvious lie)

 

But it's whatever, I think she kept it because it's some sort of value to her emotionally, from all that she's done so far, I think she will need it as a crutch to get her by, then again maybe she likes it too, I mean it is a nice ring, but then again why keep something that has relationship attachment? Even if I had nice jewelry, I don't want it if it means something to the other person, that's just mean, but then again all she did to me was mean too.

 

Oh also I got offered an engineering job just last night and took it.

 

Things are looking up

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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Update-

 

I went over my folks place to see what exactly she gave back.

 

She didn't give back 2 promise rings (the small and big one), and a necklace run combo I got her for our anniversary in October.

Everything was in good shape and looks like things were taken care of nicely.

 

Folks told me she "didn't know where the rings went" and left the bag there. They didn't ask anything but they knew it was an obviously lie.

 

I'm sure she's upset because my family had some choice words for her.

 

I just don't get why she's doing this. During the relationship I ALWAYS treated her great, to the point of her saying, "I think you're way too good for me" and "you're the best man I've ever met"

 

What I do and what my folks do are separate actions, not that I disagree what they did, but they feel that way, they accepted her as well for who she was/out of respect for me and she pretty much turned her back to them not really giving any care.

 

I find myself pondering why she's doing this. If she didn't want to hear any of this anymore from my folks (mother is the main one pissed) then just give back the stuff, be done with it. Move on. But it's like she wants the drama and the attention. Maybe she's vindictive to what they told her. Maybe she holds emotional value to the jewelry. I know I did with the stuff she got me but I returned it because I'm no longer her boyfriend, I'm not entitled to them and I would think it would be the right thing to do.

 

It's more so annoying to think that even after this breakup she is still playing some sort of game

 

Important details left out from previous week.

Oh when she returned my stuff to my folk's place at first, she didn't return the jewelry and lied about it saying it was ok to keep it. Then family said choice words and she agreed to give it back. Then last Tuesday, contacted me because she was talking to my mother about the jewelry where she openly lied again about me telling her to keep it and texted me like crazy to do something about my family and proceeds to bargain with them to keep the main promise ring I gave her. Ignored the texts she sent, then texted me that "your family ruined any type of reconciliation there was and she will give everything back." After I wouldn't do many thing about the family. In which she did the stuff above on Friday and kept the most important of the pieces.

 

Job starts in a week. Very excited despite all that's happened.

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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Gifts are gifts....you shouldn't expect them back.

 

Personally, at this point, I don't care anymore, thinking it's more so my folks wanting to give her a hard time because of how her mother treated me in the course of the relationship (not good enough, hated me because I was dating her daughter), she can keep them but I just don't see the point, and selling them is just.....it feels low. I guess part of me is trying to reason why she's trying to keep the most important piece, but yet she gave everything else back willingly.

 

I've told the folks to let me handle the business but I think it's fallen on deaf ears.

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noyou Newbie

noyou

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Stop thinking about it and let it go.

 

True... It is impossible for me to gauge what she is thinking anyway and I would drive myself mad just trying to wrap my head around it, even with my engineering intellect.

 

Plus her thought process in this whole mess has been sporadic anyway.

 

Guess it's the part of me left that still wants to think the good things about her and what ifs. I'll be able to stop thinking as much and quell it once I'm immersed in my new job.

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  • 5 weeks later...
noyou Newbie

noyou

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Hey guys its been awhile. I have some updates.

 

1. I've been at the new job for 3 weeks and I've already been praised by the president of the company several times and come to find out he wants me as a lead in one of the engineering depts.

2. I have my own office and such and my co workers are something else, its like a whole new world to me.

 

On a slight note before I discuss the ex I have done this.

1. Deactivated my facebook, if I'm doing NC right, this is the best way.

2. ignored little texts she gives me.

 

On the ex-

 

She has texted me for the last several weeks on asking "How's the new job? You settling in?" on the week of valentines day and "How are you?" this week. She hasn't texted anything else, but I feel that she is reaching out in some way, but I need more. Sure I miss her but the thing is I realized she really messed up and if she's just going to text me little things to keep tabs on me, she isn't serious about reconnecting.

 

I'm doing very good for myself right now and she wanted out, I'm not entitled to give her anything. I can't be expected to be a "friend" when we've been lovers for 5+ years, so I need more than just a questions keeping tabs on me.

 

I have a feeling I'm going to be getting more texts from her very soon.

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