Girlfriend of 5 years wants to see other people

[Edmund Exley]

Why Jan 9th?

[noyou]

Why Jan 9th?

 

Thats when the break will be over. Official 30 days from the point of when we called the break. It started this month on the 11th

[QWit]

Thats when the break will be over. Official 30 days from the point of when we called the break. It started this month on the 11th

 

*face palm* You are a doormat..

[QWit]

"I decided to text her up saying that "Not to call or text me until the break is over, or unless you want to reconcile if you don't, then dont call me till Jan 9th." "

 

This message doesn't even make sense.. What if she doesn't want to reconcile when (what you think) the break is over? You are basically going to be counting until that day(with nothing to show for it because you haven't made an attempt to move on).. Your message should have been "Unless you want to reconcile and work on us, do not call me (without that timeline)".. I think you are in denial about what is going on..

[noyou]

"I decided to text her up saying that "Not to call or text me until the break is over, or unless you want to reconcile if you don't, then dont call me till Jan 9th." "

 

This message doesn't even make sense.. What if she doesn't want to reconcile when (what you think) the break is over? You are basically going to be counting until that day(with nothing to show for it because you haven't made an attempt to move on).. Your message should have been "Unless you want to reconcile and work on us, do not call me (without that timeline)".. I think you are in denial about what is going on..

 

The deal is that she wanted to make is that on the 9th we'd try to date again and see if we both grew at this point in time. I want to give her space and leave her alone so that way it gives her time to miss me and to find out if her heart is in the right place, if not then I move on.

[QWit]

The deal is that she wanted to make is that on the 9th we'd try to date again and see if we both grew at this point in time. I want to give her space and leave her alone so that way it gives her time to miss me.

 

*face palm* I guess you probably going to have to just find out for yourself what is really going on..

[noyou]

*face palm* I guess you probably going to have to just find out for yourself what is really going on..

 

Yes I am in denial but at the same time I want this to possibly work out.

[QWit]

Yes I am in denial but at the same time I want this to possibly work out.

 

Yeah, at this point, there is no one in here that can give you advice.. It will be like talking to a brick wall..

[Edmund Exley]

I am a sad sneaking suspicion that on Jan 9th you will be waiting all day for a phone call or text that will never come.

[noyou]

Yeah, at this point, there is no one in here that can give you advice.. It will be like talking to a brick wall..

 

Look this came on me all of a sudden, this is the first actual REAL relationship i've been in, so its a bit harder considering I do love this woman.

[QWit]

I am a sad sneaking suspicion that on Jan 9th you will be waiting all day for a phone call or text that will never come.

 

yep... he probably will..

[mhowe]

Another case of "yes-but-itis".

It is going to play out like every other case of "let's take a break".

[noyou]

Guys, this is rough, and I know you are all giving great info, its just hard for me to accept what is going on. She's been faithful to me for 5 years and now all of a sudden she wants to see other people. IT PISSES ME OFF but at the same time I dont want to lose her and she has stated that she doesn't want a clingy boy and she wants an independent man and I can see where I lost my confident side and became complacent. I want to be strong and show myself and her that I don't need her and to get my stuff together, but its hard for me when I've been with her constantly for 5 years.

[mhowe]

What she wants....is to date other people.

What about that is unclear to you?

And if you can change and if she doesn't meet someone.....

Grab a bag of self respect and tell her if you aren't good enough, you aren't waiting around on a "maybe".

[noyou]

What she wants....is to date other people.

What about that is unclear to you?

And if you can change and if she doesn't meet someone.....

Grab a bag of self respect and tell her if you aren't good enough, you aren't waiting around on a "maybe".

 

I know she does, and I told her that I'm not waiting around for her and that not to call or text me until the break is over. I'm still going to date around and I know that I am too good for her. The only thing I can do now is be a better guy, better myself, and maybe when the break is over, she will or won't want to try. I might find someone else when I am dating around, I don't know, but I need to work on me for me.

 

I need to take your guy's and gal's advice, I did let her know about Her not respecting me and that not to contact me until you want to reconcile or when the break established is over. At that point go from there and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't. I'll strengthen myself before that and move on, because I know what she did to me, she isn't good enough for me.

[stuka80]

Remember when i said this in my response to you?

OR you can continue playing along with her ridiculous games and be her lapdog while she goes out and has crazy monkey sex with other guys while you're left all alone in the dust. I dont know about you but the choice seems simple.

 

I guess you chose to STILL PLAY HER GAME by following HER RULE of January 9th...

 

Dude....like someone else said...you are being a doormat. STOP PLAYING BY HER RULES! You should've ended it with "dont contact me unless you wanna get back together PERIOD" No January 9th, 10th, 11th or any other bull games she is playing with you! just stop and walk away! turn the tables on her! Be a man and take charge of the situation and show her that you will not put up with her crap! THAT is what she will respect and be attracted to, not some guy waiting around for her until January 9th...

[noyou]

Remember when i said this in my response to you?

 

 

I guess you chose to STILL PLAY HER GAME by following HER RULE of January 9th...

 

Dude....like someone else said...you are being a doormat. STOP PLAYING BY HER RULES! You should've ended it with "dont contact me unless you wanna get back together PERIOD" No January 9th, 10th, 11th or any other bull games she is playing with you! just stop and walk away! turn the tables on her! Be a man and take charge of the situation and show her that you will not put up with her crap! THAT is what she will respect and be attracted to, not some guy waiting around for her until January 9th...

 

I've already said what I needed to say to her. I feel that if I contact her again that I will lose her because I already contacted her twice already about this today.

I'm sticking with my guns, NC till break done and if she isn't there to try again like she said she would, then I move on, simple. Then that means she never cared for me to begin with.

[stuka80]

Definitely do not contact her again, that's not what i was saying, what i said was you should've been firm the first or second time. If you contact her in anyway after this you will make it worse. The damage is done, it can only get worse, just leave well enough alone and move on from this mess. Also, i have a feeling you will buckle when she tries to contact you for anything and you will go running to her, responding to every little breadcrumb she throws at you. Look, NO CONTACT is not easy man, it takes self control and discipline and wisdom to realize that all she will be doing from here on out is fishing for a response from you so that she will know that you're still hung up on her and therefore, she has nothing to worry about and will continue to go out and have fun with other guys. So whenever she does contact you AND SHE WILL, do not respond unless you see "i want to get back together" on you phone, then take it from there. Forget about January 9th also, you will just be living in hell from now til that date. Move on and good luck!

[noyou]

Thanks guys, I'm glad you all have been patient with me. Yes I am in denial, but if I didn't feel about her this much I wouldn't be this way. I'm sure you all have been there considering you have knowledge about this. This is my first time going in a deep relationship. She wants me to trust her and to be more independent and less clingy/possessive of her, and yes I did accommodate for myself and for her because if that is the real reason, then I want to remedy it and if it will make things better than all the better. But I know in the last few days that she dated one guy and isn't being a nice girlfriend right now. Maybe she is confused on what she wants, maybe she is letting past ideals get to her. But she's going to do what she's going to do. I need to leave it and her alone until the time comes and see what happens. I do know that she will get weak around xmas time and new years, because we usually do romantic stuff and be together at that time, and I'm thinking with a bit of space and time she will realize what she's missing out on. Then again, maybe she won't, maybe she really doesn't care. It's hard to believe that after 5 years, a woman doesn't know and is letting past relationships get to her. But all I can do is better myself, do my own thing and if things come about with her, than they do. If not, I can only move on and date around. Who knows maybe if I date around and find someone that clicks with me, and she decides to call up, I might not be available. The realm of the unknown and to "safety" factor that I might have moved on might scare her, then again maybe she won't care.

 

Thanks for the help guys. I'll let you know of any updates or words of encouragement need to be had.

 

I'll talk to you all soon.

[RachaelRosen]

This x1,000.

 

No person, no matter how much you love them, is worth your self respect and dignity.

 

You need to know what your boundaries are, really are, and not just what you want them to be so that you can have her back. I know, personally, if my partner and I broke up and we got back together after being apart and dating others, that should be alright. But if someone wanted to break up with me for a month specifically so they could date and screw others, only to come back after having their fill and essentially giving the message they had to do that to make sure I was good enough for them, I could not continue with them and maintain dignity, because I would find that highly disrespectful.

 

noyou, I believe if it really was just about her having issue with how you relate to her (clingy, as she says), she wouldn't necessarily be out there trying to date others. She sounds unsure of what she wants and has lost attraction. It may be you two grew apart.

 

Your apparent low self esteem (just what I gather in the context of this post, of course, I don't know you) and her manipulation makes me wonder if you really are even overly clingy and needy as she claims. It could very well be a scapegoat.

[noyou]

She said she wants to give me with time for her and I to grow and to see if I can live without her and "want her but not need her" and that "the type of man she needs is that independent, strong, college scholar she fell in love with", and I know I need to become less clingy, and have more confidence and faith in myself. I still don't like that she is dating other men, but what if she is just dating around to test the waters? I think I should have enough confidence to not let that bother me, but at the same time if she does go screw around, I need to walk away from the situation.

I never used to be this way but sense she never took control of her over bearing mother, I had to fight for time for my gf so that way I could spend some time with her, thus i got complacent clingy, and possessive.

I'm thinking that this time will make me stronger over time when I NC her and that I can prove to be better not for her but for myself.

I want to make things work but at the same time try to take some high road on this.

[Over thinking]

I'm keeping this short and to the point sorry. From past experience of this happening after a 7 year relationship...

 

1. She's made up her mind. You're a safety net in case someone better doesn't come up. You're no longer the one she wants but more of a guy that's not quite as bad as others.

2. You need to accept it's over plain and simple. It's tough but it is what it is.

3. If she does come crawling back (as happened to me), there's a very high chance she's not the same person as she was before this whole break came about. Chance is she'll move on again.

4. The moment they get comfortable lying to you, the trust is gone. Back out straight away.

 

Sorry it'll be tough and hell I ignored some sound advice thinking I knew better, of course I wish I had followed it now! Also go no contact and don't stalk sites/ ask about her. It'll only upset you and prevent you moving on. Most importantly do this for you, not so she can see how strong ect you've become. You shouldn't be aiming to win her back!

[Edmund Exley]

OK, she goes off, sows her wild oats, dates (and sleeps) with 2 or 3 guys and in a year from now is ready to be back because "I had to find out that I really loved you all along"

 

How are you going to deal with that?

[Edmund Exley]

All this crap about giving you time to prove you can be independent is nothing more than blame shifting.

 

I've been lucky enough to have 3 women truly love me in my 43 years. None of them would have requested time apart to prove I can be without them.

[itsallgrand]

Again, what she was saying to you as she was breaking up with you is not what you should be focusing on. Cause it was a bunch of bull thrown at you to make you feel like it somehow your fault the relationship didn't work. In other words, passing the old buck.

IF she had this issue with you while in the relationship and wanted to make the relationship work, she would have told you while with you.

 

Breaking up with someone for any purpose other than to end the relationship is manipulative.

 

And besides, it sounds to me like she has some issues of her own with being indepedent. If you had to fight to get time with her because she doesn't have the spine yet to stand up to an overbearing mother, and she didn't have the spine to break up with you without blaming you and running around in the process/dragging you through the mud....

 

is she really the type of woman you would want to be with?

 

It always takes two in a relationship. I really hope you will stop blaming yourself for her faults.

 

There can be some truth in what she said about you getting clingy and losing some of your sparkle; but that doesn't mean it is the cause of all this. This is her choices, her behaviors.

 

Besides, she is taking no breather to be single. She's fooling around with all kinds of dudes. That is not a good sign of a person who is interested in being indepedent and ready for a serious relationship where you work things out anyways.

 

p.s. No such thing as a 'break' to screw other people....only a break up. Obviously you are in denial about this right now, but maybe you won't be if you just give yourself some time to process what is all going on here.