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Am i being used by this guy?


leannepotter

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Hi, okay before I begin I honestly ask that you do not judge me for what I have done, I am young and quite inexperienced when it comes to love so I guess I'm just confused but please do not judge.

Okay basically I was in a relationship with a guy and I was extremely unhappy but scared to leave, I moved houses far away from his with my mother a few weeks ago because of the fact that my mother’s ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me and obviously we wanted to move to a different part of London (Essex) (there is an on-going police investigation).

 

Anyways when I was still with my boyfriend, I was walking down the road to my new home and an extremely attractive boy approaches me and begins to make conversation, I was instantly attracted to him and he asked me for my number, I felt bad about doing so but there was something striking and interesting about him beyond looks so I gave it to him, we texted each other back and forth and he complimented me on my looks and he seemed like a nice and funny guy, I was quite surprised that someone that good looking would seem interested in me. I tried not to flirt too much because despite being in a bad relationship, I was still taken and he didnt know that.

 

He asked to meet up with me a few days later, I spent hours getting ready to look my best, we met up and there was an instant attraction, we just clicked, our banter was great and he seemed like this fantasy guy I've always wanted, he was so outgoing, giving me hugs and holding my waist, he was so cheeky and funny, he took me to a park (it was quite late at night so that gates of the park were closed, he said we should climb over them- it seemed like a fun and wild thing to do, making me like him even more) we laid on a big swing for a while talking and joking around and he went in for the kiss, we kissed for several minutes passionately and we came down he started to lead me further into the park, hugging me and just being a nice guy, we got to a part of the park which was kind of detached by a gate, he held me up against a tree and we continued to kiss, his hands all over my body calling me gorgeous etc, he put my hands on his penis and well I'd been experienced in that kind of stuff ever since i lost my virginity to my (now ex) boyfriend in June, he took my hand and led me deeper into the park, we sat on the floor on his coat and began to talk again, before i knew it we were having sex (as I said please don't judge) if I had time to think about it wisely I'd have said no, but it was such a in the heat of the moment thing that I didnt think, it felt so right at the time and was just a rush and a thrill ,he asked me if i wanted to stop, if it felt alright and he was gentle throughout etc, he kept calling me gorgeous saying he'd take me out and stuff and that he wasn't going to use me, which kind of made me have some confidence in him, later he walked me home (we live literally one minute away from each other),

For the next few days we kept texting each other and flirting, he asked to meet up quite late usually and like 11 and as I'd get ready and look my best he'd tell me he couldn’t make it, this happened around 2 times before we met up again, but even when he texted me he usually took a while to reply, sometimes hours, sometimes even texting me back at 2-4 in the morning (i knew he had work and I was respectful of that but come on) anyways we met up again and he took me to his place, I met his two room mates who were nice guys and I tried to make a good impression on them, he lives in a one bed studio apartment so we had no space to each other, it was around 10, he said let me show you the bathroom, I knew what that meant! We went into the bathroom and we spoke a lot making each other laugh with banter and stuff and afterwards I began to give him head, he said he wanted to have sex but I said this isn't the time nor place( especially with his friends in just the other room!) he walked me home afterwards and this happened another time afterwards, he always wants to meet up quite late and I always end up giving him head, he keeps texting me late and flirting, and he didn't meet up as he was supposed to one more time, it does make me slightly mad but it’s not like I'm in serious love with him and it bothers me that much.

 

With some guts I dumped my boyfriend shortly after, not because of the new guy necessarily but because ouR relationship was spiralling out of hand and I felt guilty about cheating. Yesterday I met up with the new guy again, he said he finished work at around 4, I thought we'd meet up by 6 or 7 the latest seeing as he had a whole day to himself, yet he still got me to come round at like 12 and I gave him head once again and he attempted to have sex but I said no seeing as we were in the bathroom situation again, he said how he wanted some time alone with me, saying he wanted it to be just the two of us, everytime I'm with him i forget about the times that he doesn't text back straight away or meets up late and I genuinely think that he does like me in some way, you can just kind of tell he’s giving me the signs but like yesterday I texted him saying hi, how work at around 8, I get a reply, two hours later saying that he didn’t go, so didn’t he want to see me on that day? He had the whole day to himself and we could have spent some time alone at his house and finally have had sex the romantic way etc. but he didn’t think to invite me, this isn’t the first time he’s had a day off and hasn’t seen me. Why won’t he see me during the day time and that?

 

He acted really nice and sweet with me the other day and I went round his house at around 11, we were finally alone! He was being so kind, we watched a movie and he was telling me a lot of stories from his life, it felt so sweet and he really made me laugh, we had sex that night, in the romantic sense finally but just as we were about to do it I asked him if he actually likes me and he said 'yeah I do, I wouldn’t meet up with you if I didn’t; we resumed to watching films after but he was really staring at me as I was fixing up in my underwear, we carried on watching the movie and had a really nice time, as I was at the door leaving, I asked him if he really meant what he said about liking me and he said yes so I said maybe I do too, he smiled shyly and I went home. Afterwards I didn’t hear from him for two days, he called me and I was obviously slightly annoyed, he said that he was yet to top up his phone and was calling me from his friends phone, he said he was sorry and that he missed me, he asked me if I wanted to come round (it was about 10) because he was having a party, I was tired so I said no but he said he wants to see me (it was this Thursday) at around 7:30 because I told him I don’t like these night meetings and I said okay. On he didn’t call me at all after that, I called him on Thursday around 5 and he said he forgot about seeing me and asked me to call him later because he was sleeping. Obviously I felt like an idiot so I haven’t called him since and he hasn’t tried to contact me. Am I being used or what is this? I can’t give him a proper heart to heart or an ultimatum because it’s only been a few weeks so he might find it really weird, I don’t want to give up on him because I do like him , so what should I say or do that won’t hinder things but will give me some definite answers and make him realise he’s not doing me right, I believe that he is a good guy deep down but maybe he doesn’t see what he does in the same way that I do?

Pleasee help and don’t judge I know I’ve probably made some mistakes here but I’m just trying to seek some help! Thanks for taking the time to read this!

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What this is is a plain and simple, run of the mill booty call arrangement. When he feels like getting some, he calls you up. When he has other plans, he doesn't even bother talking to you.

 

Is he using you? Well, not exactly since you are an active and willing participant. He calls you up and asks you to come over in the middle of the night, takes you into the bathroom. You willingly oblige him and give him head. There is absolutely nothing that's stopping you from telling him to go stuff himself with those kinds of invitations.

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Yeah i guess you are right, I know that i should say no to him but the thing is it's different when you're in my position because it just doesn't feel like he's simply meeting to get things out of me, I think he see's me as a tiny bit more than that and I'm not trying to kid myself or anything but I feel like there is a little bit more to it and the reason why I come to see him is because theres a hope in me that things will be different. Obviously when he failed me on Thursday that was my final straw and I was angry but now we haven't spoken and I'm not 100% sure what the way forward should be, because I've fallen for him a little harder than I fall for guys at this early stage and there may be a reason for that so I don't just want to give up on him. I'm really just thinking about what I could say or do that will give me some answers from him and help me in this situation. Thank you for the response!

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I will NOT be critical towards you with the FIRST part, of when this all started.... BUT....

It continued- so you have really no excuse, after that first time. you let it continue.

 

Then, you start to get annoyed not hearing from him all the time- yet you were still with your bf. So- I honestly don't know why you'd be reacting this way with this guy.. at this point?

 

You are finally coming to your senses..thinking about is he using you. Yup, I'd say so.

This is simply, not a decent, whole hearted relationship. Not sure what it is, really? Perhaps you are his 'convenient fwb', to say the least.

 

I am going to suggest for YOU to stop this before it really goes too deep and give yourself some self respect.

He calls, whenever he 'wants some'. (Because you're not properly involved/ relationship- do not expect constant feedback from him or contact). He's giving you excuses- phone minutes.. sleeping etc.

 

I don't think this thing you have going with him is anything positive. You will most likely be emotionally hurt and more if you don't act & back off now.

 

Take some real time, working on yourself mentally & emotionally and get yourself on a more positive note with life.

God only knows who else he's involved with.. or what else he is doing. I would not trust this guy or his actions.

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You are indeed totally kidding yourself. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is.

 

Honestly, I think for you it would be very important to stay away from sleeping with a guy early on. Really control that urge, because your raging hormones and sex gets you attached to the wrong people and putting up with garbage treatment while you keep hoping for something different. Hoping never accomplishes anything. You and only you control your actions and impulses. You would be wise to exercise that control a lot more going forward. Let the guy take you out on nice dates, but don't let them end where you end up having sex with him on date one. It blinds and binds you to him instantly. Some women are like that. You are by far and away not alone with the way things work. That's why it's important for you to stay away from that longer and keep your head clear, so you can make better choices and decisions about men and who you get involved with.

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Because you have 'fallen for this guy', it will be hard for you to see what we're seeing. We're trying to get you to open you eyes and be careful. Use your head- not your heart.

 

You haven't heard from him in a few days? Why not? Did he give another excuse? Or he just isn't contacting you?

 

I will quote this you've said

>> "I've fallen for him a little harder than I fall for guys at this early stage"

This could be, because of those 'emotions' you've got and because you do like a few things about him, so you're presently NOT seeing anything clearly- the facts.

 

Also, with the fact you jumped then dumped your ex. YOu moved on too quickly, letting feelings build with this one. Does NOT mean you're actually 'ready' for this. Emotionally or mentally.

You didn't take a decent break in between them at all, just moved on right into this guys lap. This is NOT suggested, in order to get over your recent BU with your ex.

 

If you are not careful, things can most likely and very easily fall part and do much more damage to you than what you're feeling now.

It is not good to go rushing into another relationship so fast. Things moving so fast isn't good either. It's just sex and it's not love.. just lust.

 

Give it time.. you may come to agree.

It's your life and your heart. Remember that.

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I'm sorry sweetie, but he's using you. You are kidding yourself if you think this will turn into a relationship. He is not treating you with respect -this is not how relationships are supposed to develop. It sounds like you haven't had a lot of experience with seeing functional relationships in your life. I would back off this guy and research that a bit before you get involved with someone again. And don't feel bad for getting fooled by this guy - you are young and inexperienced and he saw you coming a mile away. I've been there too. But you live and you learn and you heal, and you don't let someone do this to you again.

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Okay, not judging but the plain and simple fact is this: when they aren't taking you on dates, when they aren't making time for you, when they aren't making sure to insert themselves into your life by meeting your family, your friends, where you live and talking to you to get to know you then you are not a girlfriend or relationship to them. If you're just having hurried sex here and the only time they meet up with you is to have sex and the rest of the time they barely respond or are slow to respond then you are a booty call, nothing more. After reading what you are to each other this is clearly a booty call, it's not a relationship.

 

I think you have sex and love confused, but the two are not the same nor are they dependent on each other. Plenty of people have sex and may not even like the person, but can still enjoy the sex. You're a pretty girl, the guy approached you, he sounded you out on sex and you gave it to him, he has therefore decided that you are a booty call. He doesn't want anything else or he'd have asked for more--i.e. taken you on dates, talked to you about your life, asked about your family, shown you off to his friends. And he thinks you are totally fine on the booty call part, because you so readily gave in to his demands and have never asked for anything more. So you can't get upset with him when he doesn't want you to be a girlfriend and when he doesn't offer you girlfriend status. You're booty calls to each other and that's that.

 

Liking you a teeny bit does not equal this person is going to love me. It equals he finds you attractive and he can get off with you. If you want a relationship this is not the one for you, because there is no relationship. You do not get boyfriends or relationships from having sex. You don't get love from having sex. Two people in love can have sex and it's the icing on the cake, but it isn't the be-all/end-all of the relationship since both actually like each other enough to spend time together outside of sexual activity. And that's how you tell the diference between whether you're a booty call or a girlfriend.

 

Learn the difference between those two things and you'll always know where you stand with a guy even if you're not happy with the role he wants you to play. And if you want girlfriend status either ask for it up front and be prepared if he runs the other way OR you end the booty calls and find a guy who wants a relationship. And being good-looking isn't enough of a quality to keep you tied to someone, looks fade over time, crappy treatment and not caring about you-those stay. Choose guys who really care about you, who want a relationship with you, don't be hung up on "OMG he's so good-looking I'll do whatever he asks" and then wonder why you aren't happy and aren't in a relationship.

 

That's all the advice I can offer you, but you already know in your heart what this is and what you need to do. The question is whether you'll have the guts and self-respect to do it or not.

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OK, I have to say this first.. never, never, NEVER let some guy you just met and don't know him and his history lead you alone into a dark park late at night... that could have ended up EXTREMELY badly with you being raped, maimed, or murdered. I know he was handsome, but plenty of rapists and murderers are handsome, and dead girls turn up in parks and dumpsters all the time when they engage in this type of behavior. You got lucky, but NEVER do it again.

 

Next, the guy is using his charm to talk you into giving him sex whenever he's in the mood, but for next to no investment in actually dating you. He dropped you as soon as you told him you wanted a relationship and not just booty calls and 'bathroom breaks' where you blow him. That is often how these things proceed when a guy is a loser who wants to use girls for booty calls, where it starts out with a bit of flirtation, but before you know it, it's nothing more than you giving him head in bathrooms and hookups late at night when he's drunk or horny, but that's ALL you'll get from him.

 

So live and learn. And you learned. My suggestion is that when you start dating a guy, do NOT have sex with him right away, because that will weed out a lot of these types of guys. If all theiy're interested in is sex and you don't instantly give it to them, they just move on. A guy who really likes you and is a potential BF will not pressure for sex and will spend time getting to know you out of bed.

 

I think you are infatuated with this guy, not in love with him. He's very attractive and uses his charm to manipulate you, but love is a lot more than just a feeling. It can be very harmful to you to 'love' someone who is disrespecting you and treating you badly and using you for sex, so remind yourself you don't know him well enough to be in love, just well enough to be very attracted to his looks and to have fallen for his lines and the manipulative charm he is laying on you.

 

So just let it go. Don't call him. He's not interested in a relationship, he is interested in blow jobs. If he calls you again, do NOT meet him unless he asks for a proper date at the proper time of day, and if he asks for any meeting late at night, forget it and don't go.

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