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How to deal with they lies they told, when you learn about them after the break


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So, ever since we split I've learned more and more things that she said to me that were lies. If you haven't read my first post here's a little background. Serious relationship, living together, she gets cervical cancer. We had a great emotional amd physical relationship before that. She has surgery and heals well, all is supposedly good. She claimed not to want anything to do with sex after that. She was hyper sexual before that. Well, our relationship ended and she still claimes that she wants nothing to de with sex, and doesn't want to date anyone. She dumped me 3 weeks ago, I moved out 2 weeks ago. Since then I know her ex has stayed the night there (father of her kid), and i was just told at work that she posted on fb "best way to scare a guy, tell him you're a Photoshop master". Seems to me that she is probably texting pics to someone. Its ruined my day. I told my work friend to not give me anymore updates.

 

How can I move past this? I know time will eventually heal my wounds, but I feel the need to at least let her know that I know I was lied to. I was good to her, and her daughter. I supported her financially when she recovered from surgery, and waited patiently for our physical relationship to return. Is it asking too much for honesty in a breakup? This is eating me up. As I type this I am on my break at work. I have to go back in and try to function. In my present state I dont know if that's possible.

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From what you've written, you have absolutely no proof that you were lied to about anything. Unless your coworker was in the residence with the two of them, they don't know what went on. You're both speculating and speculation is not the truth.

 

It may be asking for too much now. It's over. She doesn't owe you an explanation anymore.

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Try not to know anything else about her life. As you described, as soon as you got to know about her ex staying in one night and some FB activity, it started to eating you up. What you don't know can't hurt you.

 

He stayed there a few nights, but that's besides the point. One of the things that messed our once very loving relationship up is her ongoing "friendship" with him. She withdrew from me and started turning to him, despite the fact I was doing everything I could to support her emotionally and financially as she recovered. He also doesnt provide any sort of support for his own kid. I know I'm speculating about all this stuff, and really there is no point in doing it. There are details to this story that are complicated for a brief post etc, I know what my instincts tell me. I know her though, her overt sexuality when I first met her made me think that she might not be relationship material. But she won me over in a big way. Made me feel like a king. Just a short while ago we were looking at rings. Ive had a few ltr's by the way, this one was the most important to me. I guess the thing I am struggling with most at this point is a feeling of sexual rejection. As a man that is a tough pill to swallow. I know she loved thst aspect of our relationship; and truth be told I have had a tough time accepting that she has lost all want of sex. I was very emotional when I posted that earlier, I have calmed a bit.

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I told my work friend to not give me anymore updates.

 

Best thing you could have done. Seriously.

 

"Logical You" knows it's information that's completely useless. But your more emotional side can't resist poking to see what hurts, how much, and peeking into that oh so wonderful danger zone of painful tidbits that aren't your business anymore, but FEEL like somehow, they SHOULD relate.

 

So let your logical side take over for a while. If you saw an errant toddler about to touch the stove to see if it was REALLY hot, you'd yank him or her out of harm's way. Do the same with that errant voice that keeps prodding you to delve where it does no good, and keep it under your thumb.

 

Even if the information you might get is accurate, it won't HELP you any, even if it's not a painful item. And it WILL hinder your healing, since it's an active "space" for thought you're spending on... someone else, and not yourself.

 

Breakups are draining. So think of the amount of energy and love you have to give as being less than half the budget you're used to working with. And your own needs requiring you to make the absolute best use of that budget.

 

Would you spend 1/3 of your budget on this guy, who doesn't sound like a great guy to begin with, if it was money you were having to throw at him? And yet, fruitless speculation, pondering, anger - they're all eating holes in what you have.

 

Just don't do it.

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I'm not clear from your post what she lied about, exactly.

 

Regardless, if you find out an ex lied, then that's just all the more reason to be thankful that she's an ex.

 

I read your last post and you're looking for a confrontation. Not sure how many people you need to tell you that that would be a big mistake.

 

Play it out--what would you hope to accomplish, exactly? Do you believe that it would make her come back to you? Do you hope that she would respond to accusations in a positive way?

 

How would confronting her help you to feel any better?

 

Think.

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In essence I feel that she lied to me during the end of our relationship about her having no sex drive. As mentioned she went from being hyper sexual, to claiming that she wants nothing to do with it. I always had a hard time accepting that, but took her at her word, seeing how she did have cervical cancer. After the break she said that not only does she not want sex, but will not be dating any time soon. Now I have learned from a few people that she is posting on fb fishing for a man, its blatant, and therefore wants sex. Dont get me wrong, I in no way think thst she somehow should refrain from sex on my behalf. My last ex was with someone less than a month after we split, but she also never said she didn't want sex in her life. It stung to hear that, but nothing like this. This relationship was different, much more serious, and we had planned a future together. I don't think I am asking too much to think thst when you are deeply involved with someone you should honestly and openly tell them your feelings about the relationship, and why you are leaving. Everytime I've dumped a woman that's what I do.

 

As far as if I would feel better if she admitted she lied to me about certain things, I'm not sure why. Maybe its because she has a cut and run pattern in relationships, and it would be satisfying to see her admit that she did me dirty after all we went through. I have to see her on Sunday, not sure how I will handle it. We have never had a bad fight, raisee voices, and If I do ask her for this talk I won't be looking for a fight.

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You'll never get the closure you want from her. You know all that you need to know about the type of person she is and as time goes on you'll realize that you dodged a bullet. After my last breakup, I found out that my ex lied to me about the true reason he decided to end things. It still makes me angry to this day when I think about it, but I know that in time I'll really look at the situation as a lesson learned and pray that I never have to go thru that type of betrayal again. Allow yourself the time to be hurt, to be confused, to be angry, but don't go looking for answers from her because you'll never get them, or at least not in the way that you want them and definitely not on your time, if you ever get them. The way I look at my ex now is as a cowardly piece of trash that I have no respect for and I am glad I threw him away for good. Hopefully one day you'll be able to look at her for who she really is and be thankful she's someone else's problem now.

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Throughout her adult life she has always just left. She left a marriage after 5 months and moved two states away, that was almost 10 years ago. Shes done it other times too. She doesn't feel any responsibility towards anybody's feelings, no empathy towards those she hurts. I'm sure if I do have this talk with her it won't go as I plan. But it would be satisfying to see her squirm a bit when faced with the half thruths or outright lies she has told.

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You're counting on the goal of a fulfilled fantasy to make you feel better, and it's not at all realistic. She's out of the relationships with you now. There's nothing in it for her to say to you, "Oh, yeah, your accusation of me being a LIAR is so rational, reasonable and legitimate, and I'm so sorry."

 

Your accusation in a stretch. When she was in the relationship she claimed to have no sex drive. Well? When someone says that, you don't have much choice but to accept it at face value. If she had no sex drive because she was unhappy in the relationship, then it only makes sense that removing herself from the relationship increased her sex drive.

 

So 'lying' isn't something she needs to cop to. She wanted out of the relationship, she got out of the relationship, and now she's entitled to conduct her own life, including her sex life, as she sees fit.

 

You don't have to 'like' this, but it won't serve you to decide that your future happiness must rest on a fantasy of confronting her with an accusation and having that play out as you'd wish.

 

That makes no sense.

 

You're entitled to your grief, and you'll need to go through that the best way you can. I'm just pointing out that setting up an unattainable barrier such as, "I can only feel better if I can force ex to admit to this: (fill in the blank)" isn't realistic and it's only harmful to your own healing.

 

Head high.

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