You remind me of...

[DelayReaction]

Okay, I will probably receive flak for this, but I just don't understand why this statement is such a faux-pas in dating.

 

If you say this to someone you're currently dating, why should he/she take offense?

 

If you are dating someone and want to be straight up honest, if that person does actually remind you of a past flame, why should he/she take serious offense to it??? It sounds silly to me. It doesn't mean you are going to start mistaking them for your Ex or start calling out the wrong name in bed (and if you do, that is a whole other story). Clearly there are some traits in your Ex that you liked about them. So to say to someone that they remind you of one shouldn't be a deal breaker.

 

The other way to go about it (and most accepted by popular opinion) is to just shut your mouth, but, is that really being honest?

 

Thoughts?

[Mesemene]

Everyone wants to be appreciated for being themselves.

 

And it gives the impression, right or wrong, that you're with *me* because I have something that reminds you of someone else - and I'm just a poor second choice because at least I've got that going for me.

 

There are ways to say it that don't mention an ex - like "man, I've always been a sucker for a quirky sense of humor and dimples," that don't suggest it's only because an ex had those that you like 'em, and instead bring it out as a positive point in who you're with.

[pippy longstocking]

The other way to go about it (and most accepted by popular opinion) is to just shut your mouth, but, is that really being honest?

 

well to be "honest" as opposed to being a "liar" you actually need to be asked the question to then determine whether you delivered honesty or truth ..

 

I presume the question " are there any aspects of me that remind you of any of your exes" is rarely asked so therefore it doesn't make you "honest" by offering that information

[amipushy]

Those thoughts and feelings are your own, so keep them to yourself. Dont over-share about an ex with a new partner because it makes you sound like you are still thinking about the ex and where does that leave your new partner? Questioning why they are with you if you're not over someone else (even if you are), thats where!

[Kendahke]

It's sounds like you're comparing them to someone they dont' know. They can't judge for themselves if the comparison is fair.

 

Besides, no one wants to hear about your ex.

 

Lot of people everywhere have similar traits, so on the one hand, you're stating the obvious.

 

Look at it this way--would you appreciate being compared, sexually, to an ex, even if you outshone that person? It's pretty much the same thing. No one wants to hear that mess.

[savignon]

In addition to all of the above, you're not with your ex for one reason or another. It plants a negative seed that they might have a trait you couldn't tolerate.

[Robin2904]

In addition to all said above, I don't think you should be bringing up your ex at all when getting to know someone new. It gives the impression that they are still on your mind- IE you are not over them. If asked, that's something different, but otherwise I don't think its appropriate.

 

As far as the 'You remind me'...if its in reference to a celebrity cool beans 'Hey your hair looks like Britney Spears' Oh awesome! Cool. Great to hear 'Aw when you crinkle your nose like that you look like my ex.' Um..no. Just weird....

[Tanzi]

If you are dating someone and want to be straight up honest, if that person does actually remind you of a past flame, why should he/she take serious offense to it???

 

Firstly, the fact that you have to mention an ex when dating someone (especially if it is the first time or in the very early stages) will most likely be a red flag to someone. It means they are still on your mind. OK, I know that ex's do eventually come up in conversation but to offer such information about an ex early on is a faux pas in itself, let alone the "you remind me of ....".

 

Secondly, that person will then worry that the only reason you are dating them is because they remind you of your ex.

 

It isn't about taking offence as such. Both these things are causes for concern and no-one really wants to put themselves in a vulnerable position.

 

If anyone has reason to believe that that the person they are dating isn't over their ex or is looking for someone to replace their ex then is it really silly to be concerned? We know by the many threads on here that people throw themselves back into the dating world long before they are ready.

 

Nothing wrong with being cautious.

 

Keeping your mouth shut in this instance - or rather being tactful - is NOT lying. Not unless someone has asked you a specific question that is ... and NOT unless you ARE only with them because they remind you of your ex.

[DancingFool]

Don't confuse honesty with unedited over sharing of what should be private thoughts.

[DelayReaction]

i guess there are more diplomatic ways to go about it, including not offering up that information period.

 

If I was being compared to an Ex, and it was to some positive trait or quality, I would not be offended. I would be flattered or perhaps feel indifferent about it.

 

Do you guys also think the same applies to comparisons made to fictional/non-fictional people with no prior association? For example, if you tell a girl that she reminds you of Angelina Jolie, is that the same thing as the above?

 

I was once compared to a movie star for his looks, and of course, I was flattered.

[Kendahke]

good example: today, the new guy that I'm seeing texted me and a phrase he used sounded exactly like something my ex would say. I'd rather cut my tongue out (or chop my fingers off) before saying to him "wow, what you said reminded me of my ex..." It doesn't make me a liar for not saying that to him. It's more of a case of me making mention of my noticing that doesn't add anything to what I am trying to build with him. It's an observation I will take to my grave.

[Kendahke]

i guess there are more diplomatic ways to go about it, including not offering up that information period.

 

If I was being compared to an Ex, and it was to some positive trait or quality, I would not be offended. I would be flattered or perhaps feel indifferent about it.

 

Do you guys also think the same applies to comparisons made to fictional/non-fictional people with no prior association? For example, if you tell a girl that she reminds you of Angelina Jolie, is that the same thing as the above?

 

I was once compared to a movie star for his looks, and of course, I was flattered.

 

Come on. Unless you know Angelina Jolie, have been in an intimate, sexual relationship with her, then that's not the same thing.

[DelayReaction]

So then why is it automatically assumed that by offering this information implies that you are still not over your Ex? I don't get it.

 

Maybe it's true in some cases, but not in every case. A red flag over a seemingly innocuous statement like that seems rather silly, and I would think that person to be somewhat unstable for thinking so!

[Mesemene]

good example: today, the new guy that I'm seeing texted me and a phrase he used sounded exactly like something my ex would say. I'd rather cut my tongue out (or chop my fingers off) before saying to him "wow, what you said reminded me of my ex..." It doesn't make me a liar for not saying that to him. It's more of a case of me making mention of my noticing that doesn't add anything to what I am trying to build with him. It's an observation I will take to my grave.

 

Oh I so agree with this.

 

There are times my husband does something that reminds me of the ex. But no matter if it's an irritating something or not, I'll saw off my tongue before saying it - that would really be a slap considering he knows how much I still resent things about the good old ex.

[DelayReaction]

Maybe as a society, we should stop assuming things like "Oh, he said that I reminded him of someone he knows. He is obviously talking about an Ex and I am falling short of his expectations."

 

This to me sounds so trivial. Now I have to watch my tongue, even in a text conversation. Really?

[Cheetarah]

Angelina Jolie comparison isn't even on the same planet as this.

 

It doesn't have to be about not being over an ex or the relationship. It's just a thing that most people don't want to hear. You want to be liked and appreciated for yourself, who you are as an individual as a PP mentioned.

 

I don't think it is dishonest whatsoever to keep that thought to yourself. Some thoughts aren't meant to be verbalized.

[Kendahke]

So then why is it automatically assumed that by offering this information implies that you are still not over your Ex? I don't get it.

 

Maybe it's true in some cases, but not in every case. A red flag over a seemingly innocuous statement like that seems rather silly, and I would think that person to be somewhat unstable for thinking so!

 

Because she's elbowed her way to the front of your thoughts with enough force that it made you open your mouth and mention her. That sounds like she's not as much of a part of your past as you think she is---because noticing something like that, while one can't help their thoughts, they sure can monitor what passes their lips unless they have no self control---and THAT is a red flag issue. Thoughts like that should die in your mind before making you engage your mouth, draw the breath, form your lips and utter the phrase "you remind me of my ex". The fact that they don't belies a different truth that is going on, even if you refuse to accept that.

[Cheetarah]

Maybe as a society, we should stop assuming things like "Oh, he said that I reminded him of someone he knows. He is obviously talking about an Ex and I am falling short of his expectations."

 

This to me sounds so trivial. Now I have to watch my tongue, even in a text conversation. Really?

 

Why wouldn't you want to if you know something may possibly hurt another person's feelings, and needlessly at that?

[Tanzi]

i guess there are more diplomatic ways to go about it, including not offering up that information period.

 

If I was being compared to an Ex, and it was to some positive trait or quality, I would not be offended. I would be flattered or perhaps feel indifferent about it.

 

Do you guys also think the same applies to comparisons made to fictional/non-fictional people with no prior association? For example, if you tell a girl that she reminds you of Angelina Jolie, is that the same thing as the above?

 

I was once compared to a movie star for his looks, and of course, I was flattered.

 

I used to get compared to a particular celeb. It didn't really bother me when someone I was dating said it because it had no bearing on why we were dating. It would be different if I were being compared to an ex as I would be concerned for all the reasons mentioned above.

 

It really isn't the same thing.

[Mesemene]

So then why is it automatically assumed that by offering this information implies that you are still not over your Ex? I don't get it.

 

Maybe it's true in some cases, but not in every case. A red flag over a seemingly innocuous statement like that seems rather silly, and I would think that person to be somewhat unstable for thinking so!

 

The ex is, well, an ex.

 

Whether you dumped them, or they dumped you - a comparison just doesn't "feel" good. You're being compared to someone that, for whatever reason, is now in the rear view mirror of life.

 

Even if you don't take it as a red flag - it's just kind of off-putting. How would you take it if we were snuggled up and you did something sweet, and the immediate response was "I always loved it when Dan did that, it's so sweet."

 

The knee jerk reaction is usually "well, I'm sure never doing THAT again." Especially if you'd gotten the feeling that "Dan" was a cheating jerk or somesuch.

[Kendahke]

Maybe as a society, we should stop assuming things like "Oh, he said that I reminded him of someone he knows. He is obviously talking about an Ex and I am falling short of his expectations."

 

This to me sounds so trivial. Now I have to watch my tongue, even in a text conversation. Really?

 

If you don't want the girl to dismiss you into the friendzone, yes.

[Tanzi]

So then why is it automatically assumed that by offering this information implies that you are still not over your Ex? I don't get it.

 

Maybe it's true in some cases, but not in every case. A red flag over a seemingly innocuous statement like that seems rather silly, and I would think that person to be somewhat unstable for thinking so!

 

Because you feel the need to talk about someone you once had feelings for - not just some random face on the TV!!

 

It isn't an innocuous statement by the person making it ... but it may well be for the person receiving it. It is worth thinking before you speak or at least showing some tact and forethought.

 

As I said you only have to read the countless threads on here to know that people throw themselves back into the dating world in order to get over an ex. If someone starts talking about their ex and starts comparing you to their ex then I think it is wise to be cautious. There is nothing unstable about that. If they throw a hissy fit or throw their glass of wine over you in the middle of the restaurant then maybe that is a different matter.

[Tanzi]

Maybe as a society, we should stop assuming things like "Oh, he said that I reminded him of someone he knows. He is obviously talking about an Ex and I am falling short of his expectations."

 

This to me sounds so trivial. Now I have to watch my tongue, even in a text conversation. Really?

 

Now YOU are assuming. It isn't necessarily about insecurities. It is being cautious about the person you may not know much about yet. People who hurt are wary of being hurt again. They are also wary of others who have been through the same - especially if those "others" are people they are dating.

 

Neither is it about holding your tongue ... it is about common sense and common courtesy.

[mhowe]

You are not serious?

You think it is okay to tell someone "you remind me of my ex"?

 

There is honesty, and then there is obtuse. You are following into the latter category.

[DelayReaction]

Because she's elbowed her way to the front of your thoughts with enough force that it made you open your mouth and mention her. That sounds like she's not as much of a part of your past as you think she is---because noticing something like that, while one can't help their thoughts, they sure can monitor what passes their lips unless they have no self control---and THAT is a red flag issue. Thoughts like that should die in your mind before making you engage your mouth, draw the breath, form your lips and utter the phrase "you remind me of my ex". The fact that they don't belies a different truth that is going on, even if you refuse to accept that.

 

So you're saying the red flag issue is about censoring what comes out the mouth? I'm sorry, but I can not monitor every last word that comes out of my mouth, even if it is filtered beforehand. The fact that I texted this information means I had even more time to think about it. Does that mean I have little to no self control? No. I just thought it was a non-issue.

 

If the "truth" that you're alluding to is that i'm not over this Ex, I will say that I am about 90% over her.

 

The remaining 10% I believe can only be remedied by getting back on the horse.

 

How can anyone be 100% over someone before they start dating again? It seems unrealistic.