You remind me of...

[Tanzi]

OK, so I took the liberty of looking over an old thread. About a month and a half ago you posted a thread about a girl you dated for a few weeks two years ago. Since then you hadn't been able to get her out of your head.

 

So are you STILL thinking about this ex?

[DelayReaction]

anytime you have to qualify it with that, then there's nothing positive to be gained by saying it.

 

This is true, but the deed had already been done. I didn't bother to entertain the notion any further.

 

I accept whatever consequence of my action. Always have.

[DancingFool]

She made one reference to it, something to the effect of "That's not good". So I knew the seed had been planted already in her mind. I couldn't take it back, so I continued the conversation as if I had never said it.

 

I don't get it. She really didn't react. What seed planted her head? Are you sure you aren't the one who is blowing this whole thing completely out of proportion, creating an issue where there is none?

[Tanzi]

Again, not sure where this "lacking tact" is coming from. I know full well what my options are. As for creating a "fit", this is hardly what I would call a fit. Nothing is black and white in this world. Again, my beliefs are my own, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I don't demand that anyone bend to my will either. That is just silly.

 

If I wanted the world to agree with me, I would say so plainly.

 

First date, stunning girl, great setting ... all cool.

 

Getting on well ... cool.

 

You lean in to tell her something, she waits in anticipation and you tell her ....... "you remind me of my ex"!!!!! NOT cool

[DelayReaction]

No, it's the truth of mature, polite society. It's the truth of those who wish to enter into romantic relationships unencumbered by tethers of past relationships.

 

You are the one who doesn't want to get with convention, so don't. But understand that all actions have consequences. The consequences of not being able to hold your tongue is that you get dismissed from the realm of the romantic to the friendzone; and you will not be taken seriously by any woman who has good self-esteem and self worth if you lack the basic ability to filter your thoughts and steer unproductive ones to the graveyard of your mind or by not knowing--or giving a good dash darn about--the difference. The ones who will not have a problem with listening to your comparisons will be those who are desperate for relationships with anyone who asks due to low self esteem.

 

Okay, so the convention is governed by society, and that is the rule, and the rule is absolute? That's what you're saying? If that is the case, I don't ever want to be part of the conversation.

 

I'm prepared to accept the consequences. I have no problems with being polite and holding tact. Being tactful is a virtue I find most people lack.

 

Again, i'm not looking to make comparisons. Just trying to figure out what all the fuss is about, but i think I now know.

[mhowe]

You lack tact my dear!

[DelayReaction]

OK, so I took the liberty of looking over an old thread. About a month and a half ago you posted a thread about a girl you dated for a few weeks two years ago. Since then you hadn't been able to get her out of your head.

 

So are you STILL thinking about this ex?

 

That thread was created because I had just come back from living abroad and my environs were causing heightened stimulus.

 

Imagine if you had just returned from being overseas. The last memory of the place you have is of someone you had just broken up with. Now all the memories come flooding back to you the moment you step into a familiar place. That's what I felt.

 

I am fine. I don't needlessly think about that Ex nor am I unable to move on in any way. By all accounts, I am done with it.

[DelayReaction]

First date, stunning girl, great setting ... all cool.

 

Getting on well ... cool.

 

You lean in to tell her something, she waits in anticipation and you tell her ....... "you remind me of my ex"!!!!! NOT cool

 

 

Funny! Of course, this is satirical and not in any way connected to what actually happened.

[pippy longstocking]

I feel a bity sorry for the op he only asked a question haha you lot

[Kendahke]

Okay, so the convention is governed by society, and that is the rule, and the rule is absolute? That's what you're saying? If that is the case, I don't ever want to be part of the conversation.

 

I'm prepared to accept the consequences. I have no problems with being polite and holding tact. Being tactful is a virtue I find most people lack.

 

Again, i'm not looking to make comparisons. Just trying to figure out what all the fuss is about, but i think I now know.

 

It is absolute if your end goal is to enter into the realm of the romantic. No one who has a healthy sense of themselves wants to be told that they are being compared to an ex-- someone you have to qualify by saying "it's not what you think..." One hopes one would be accepted totally on the uniqueness of their own spirit and esteem without being judged with the yardstick being an ex.

 

So, either get with it or get used to be alone or with fragmented women. Act however your little heart wishes. Your choice entirely--but you're not entitled to act as you choose and shirk the responsibility of the consequences of doing it. That's all any of us are saying.

 

One day, after you've found yourself in the friendzone for the umpteenth time, you'll figure out that you need to adopt a different strategy. The rest of us will have long moved on while you sit and tantrum over what you don't want to be a part of.

[DelayReaction]

I don't get it. She really didn't react. What seed planted her head? Are you sure you aren't the one who is blowing this whole thing completely out of proportion, creating an issue where there is none?

 

She didn't react, except for that one comment about it "not being good". It's fine. I'm not worried about it. She is fine, I think. If not, i'm not too worried about it either.

 

However, that got me thinking, "why is it such a big deal?"

[mhowe]

Okay, so the convention is governed by society, and that is the rule, and the rule is absolute? That's what you're saying? If that is the case, I don't ever want to be part of the conversation.

.

 

That is like saying "I love baseball...but I think we should run the.bases counter clockwise".

 

You are entitled to your belief system... but you aren't going to get any takers.

[DelayReaction]

I feel a bity sorry for the op he only asked a question haha you lot

 

No problem. I expected as much. By the way, where are all the men????

[pippy longstocking]

No problem. I expected as much. By the way, where are all the men????

 

they daren't come on with this lot about

[DelayReaction]

That is like saying "I love baseball...but I think we should run the.bases counter clockwise".

 

You are entitled to your belief system... but you aren't going to get any takers.

 

Running the bases counter clockwise is a RULE accepted by all without question. We are talking about socially accepted norms. You're comparing apples to oranges.

[mhowe]

I feel like a pride of lions chasing a water buffalo!

[mylolita]

This seems to be a hot topic!

 

I will definitely agree that women in general will not agree with your statement and as you said, it's not really general consensus to bring up an ex when in a new romantic relationship anyway.

 

My two cents is I've had an experience of this before that was hurtful but I realise there is a time and a place for bringing up ex's on first, second, third dates, although it's not recommended by most!

 

My now fiance (first man I ever kissed, first boyfriend, etc) and I were on our first date. Everything went amazing, sparks flew. Second date was a meal out at a nice restaurant, and he mentioned that although he was completely smitten with me, he just wanted to say that he was still in contact with his ex of 7 years because her father had just died. He then proceeded to show me a phot of her and say how beautiful she is.

 

Okay, at the time, I was gob smacked! I couldn't believe he had been so tactless!

 

Looking back after 6 years of living with him, I realise (after many an argument!) that yes, he is a bit blunt and this can come accross as really lacking in sensitivity, but he did it for a reason and just wanted to set how it was going to be from the off, that she was going to be in his life whilst she was going through a trauma. He's very open and although this isn't a personality trait I've ever had, I can see where he was coming from now.

 

At the time! Definitely not! Even though it didn't split us up, I was mortified at the fact he complimented her or had shown me a picture of her as if he was her child or pet.

 

I would say, if you want to mention your ex, thats definitely your decision, but don't expect a lot of girls to go with the flow on this. I'm all for having your own opinions and not just doing something because everyone else does it, etc. I believe we should have our own minds and think firstly for ourselves, but I wish you the best of luck with this tactic, because I don't think it'll go down well

 

I do agree that some girls in the dating game really need to get over themselves, and when a guy doesn't shower them with roses, dinners, compliments - basically treating her like a divine godess - and goes into a strop about it, they need to get a grip. Sometimes straight up honesty is best when someone asks you a question, it can really be appreciated in the long run and set good grounds for a solid, open relationship.

 

This topic can also be flipped on women as well. When a woman blurts out the number of sex partners she's had on a first date, the guys are usually mortified, even if she thinks she was just being honest. Sometimes, if someone never asks, it's because they don't wanna know!

 

Best of luck,

 

- Lolita

[pippy longstocking]

I feel like a pride of lions chasing a water buffalo!

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA

 

a water buffalo ...you do crack me woman

[mhowe]

Running the bases counter clockwise is a RULE accepted by all without question. We are talking about socially accepted norms. You're comparing apples to oranges.

 

Dude...social discourse has norms...you don't want to accept them: don't.

But don't expect suscessful social discourse...leading to romantic attachment.

[Tanzi]

Funny! Of course, this is satirical and not in any way connected to what actually happened.

 

Well, of course. I wasn't there. I have no idea what happened. I was reiterating a point .....

[DelayReaction]

It is absolute if your end goal is to enter into the realm of the romantic.

 

So, either get with it or get used to be alone or with fragmented women. Act however your little heart wishes. Your choice entirely--but you're not entitled to act as you choose and shirk the responsibility of the consequences of doing it. That's all any of us are saying.

 

One day, after you've found yourself in the friendzone for the umpteenth time, you'll figure out that you need to adopt a different strategy. The rest of us will have long moved on while you sit and tantrum over what you don't want to be a part of.

 

This forum, I fear, may be keeping people from moving on. A lot of lonely hearts, broken hearts, and most of the time, I can't be bothered to get involved since it's just too depressing.

 

I won't be sitting around, and I will have moved on because I didn't follow what others blindly followed in hopes that what worked for someone else will also work for them.

[Tanzi]

I won't be sitting around, and I will have moved on because I didn't follow what others blindly followed in hopes that what worked for someone else will also work for them.

 

Oh dear. I thought we were talking about a simple faux pas.

 

Just take it from the women on here .... mentioning your ex to a date (or any future date) is a faux pas. Simple. Full stop. Period!

 

However, if you want to go your own way and not follow the rules of having basic common courtesy then so be it ... but if you meet someone you like, why blow it just because you don't want to follow what others blindly followed.

[Kendahke]

I feel like a pride of lions chasing a water buffalo!

 

LOL! Good one, mhowe!

[missmarple]

It's not a dealbreaker to me unless the comparison is because of something negative. If it's just something about my looks or the way I talk or some past experience etc I don't mind at all.

[DelayReaction]

Thank you!!!! Okay, so I completely understand where he came from. I also understand your initial mortified reaction.

 

I hope we can all realize that these situations aren't cut and dry and that we learn from all of our mistakes. But we grow and we figure out what works best in any given situation. We have to take each as they come and not get carried away when something goes contrary to what we think should happen.