You remind me of...

[mhowe]

So then why is it automatically assumed that by offering this information implies that you are still not over your Ex? I don't get it.

 

Maybe it's true in some cases, but not in every case. A red flag over a seemingly innocuous statement like that seems rather silly, and I would think that person to be somewhat unstable for thinking so!

 

Because you are comparing the present person to someone who dumped you.

It is not an innocuous statement --- and it is the person uttering it who may be somewhat unstable.

 

Why would you compare new person to someone SHE doesn't know? What is the point?

[mhowe]

You sound very young. Part of maturing is thinking BEFORE you speak.

 

And yes, it does mean you have no self control. Or that you think whatever comes out of your mouth is valid.

[DelayReaction]

You are not serious?

You think it is okay to tell someone "you remind me of my ex"?

 

There is honesty, and then there is obtuse. You are following into the latter category.

 

Okay, I never said "you remind me of my Ex". Nor do I think it's okay to say that exact wording.

 

I may be obtuse in this regard, but i'm not stupid.

 

Just the idea that you can begin a sentence with "you remind me of..." and elicits an automatic red flag to the other person seems a bit extreme to me.

[Tanzi]

Just the idea that you can begin a sentence with "you remind me of..." and elicits an automatic red flag to the other person seems a bit extreme to me.

 

A sentence starting "you remind me of ..." won't elicit an automtic red flag but mentioned your ex will. There is a big difference.

[mhowe]

If it is a movie star, or your sister --- that is one thing.

 

If you say those words to someone you are getting to know, and the person they remind you of is....someone you dated and were dumped by --- the

comparison is not a positive on. And speaks to your mindset. That you are not over the previous love affair. That ended.

 

Why are you "comparing"? Is it a contest?

 

When I am with my bf, I am not looking at his mannerisms/actions in light of my history with other men.

[DelayReaction]

You sound very young. Part of maturing is thinking BEFORE you speak.

 

And yes, it does mean you have no self control. Or that you think whatever comes out of your mouth is valid.

 

Reckless is something I am not. This I am sure of. If I thought any more before I spoke, I might as well enter sainthood.

 

I've already said what I believe to be contrary to popular opinion. To equate that with youth is a bit presumptuous. Besides, I'm not.

[mhowe]

That makes it even sadder.

[DelayReaction]

I believe my exact words were "You reminded me of someone I know.." I didn't say who. And before anyone says "you left her thinking it was an Ex", I followed up with "it's not what you think."

[Tanzi]

Okay, I never said "you remind me of my Ex". Nor do I think it's okay to say that exact wording.

 

 

So what DID you say then? If you are asking a different question to the actual experience then we can't give you the answers that you feel appropriate.

 

If you said something completely different then it makes our response totally irrelevant.

[DelayReaction]

That makes it even sadder.

 

Because I don't agree with you?

[mhowe]

"You remind me of my mother".....not good.

"you remind me of my sister"....not good either.

 

If you are looking for friendship, fine.

If you are looking for romance, you are turning the women off.

 

And by saying "it's not who you think" ---- it is exactly who they were thinking.

[mhowe]

Because I don't agree with you?

 

I dont care if you agree with me!! I don't even know you.

 

That you are not a teenager and still carry this mindset/belief system is sad. To me.

 

You are free to be you. I am sure you are cherished by many.

[DelayReaction]

If it is a movie star, or your sister --- that is one thing.

 

If you say those words to someone you are getting to know, and the person they remind you of is....someone you dated and were dumped by --- the

comparison is not a positive on. And speaks to your mindset. That you are not over the previous love affair. That ended.

 

Why are you "comparing"? Is it a contest?

 

When I am with my bf, I am not looking at his mannerisms/actions in light of my history with other men.

 

Wow. That is a whole lot of assuming going on. First of all, how is the comparison not a positive one? In fact, most comparisons I believe, ARE positive. They are just communicated incorrectly.

[Tanzi]

I believe my exact words were "You reminded me of someone I know.." I didn't say who. And before anyone says "you left her thinking it was an Ex", I followed up with "it's not what you think."

 

We posted at the same time.

 

I'm not sure that is any better to be honest.

 

"It's not what you think". Isn't that what the "guilty" say when caught red-handed.

 

Whoever you were referring to, I think you realised that you said something you shouldn't have and then dug yourself into an even bigger unnecessary hole.

 

I take it you were referring to an ex though ...hence the whole point of this thread.

 

What was her reaction?

[Tanzi]

Wow. That is a whole lot of assuming going on. First of all, how is the comparison not a positive one? In fact, most comparisons I believe, ARE positive. They are just communicated incorrectly.

 

Best to stop comparing people to others and see them for who they are then.

[DelayReaction]

I dont care if you agree with me!! I don't even know you.

 

That you are not a teenager and still carry this mindset/belief system is sad. To me.

 

You are free to be you. I am sure you are cherished by many.

 

I'm still not sure how that is sad. To challenge a popularly held belief, one that you personally agree with, is not sad. To judge me as such, well, of course you are free to state your opinion. By the way, I appreciate the responses.

[Kendahke]

So you're saying the red flag issue is about censoring what comes out the mouth? I'm sorry, but I can not monitor every last word that comes out of my mouth, even if it is filtered beforehand. The fact that I texted this information means I had even more time to think about it. Does that mean I have little to no self control? No. I just thought it was a non-issue.

 

If the "truth" that you're alluding to is that i'm not over this Ex, I will say that I am about 90% over her.

 

The remaining 10% I believe can only be remedied by getting back on the horse.

 

How can anyone be 100% over someone before they start dating again? It seems unrealistic.

 

then, as I said, be ready to be dismissed to the friendzone if you aren't mature enough and disciplined enough to stop every thought from gaining access to your mouth. Like I said, no one wants to hear that mess about your ex.

[mhowe]

You are not "challenging" a popularly held belief. You are flying in the face of common sense and polite discourse. And think it is ok, because it is "your truth".

[DancingFool]

I'm still not sure how that is sad. To challenge a popularly held belief, one that you personally agree with, is not sad. To judge me as such, well, of course you are free to state your opinion. By the way, I appreciate the responses.

 

The only thing I'm getting from this whole thread is that you lack tact, it bites you in the rear, you then pitch a fit, stomp your feet and demand that the world change to suit you. You are presumably old enough to know that the world will not bend to you. Your options are either fit in, find an off group where you do fit in, or live alone. Pitching a fit about it isn't going to do you any good, but it does make you seem naive and immature.

[DelayReaction]

We posted at the same time.

 

I'm not sure that is any better to be honest.

 

"It's not what you think". Isn't that what the "guilty" say when caught red-handed.

 

Whoever you were referring to, I think you realised that you said something you shouldn't have and then dug yourself into an even bigger unnecessary hole.

 

I take it you were referring to an ex though ...hence the whole point of this thread.

 

What was her reaction?

 

I admit that could have been communicated in a better way, but if I had the option to take it back, I probably would opt to do that instead.

 

Yes, I was referring to an Ex, but did not tell her.

 

She made one reference to it, something to the effect of "That's not good". So I knew the seed had been planted already in her mind. I couldn't take it back, so I continued the conversation as if I had never said it.

[Tanzi]

Yes, I was referring to an Ex, but did not tell her.

She knew.

 

She made one reference to it, something to the effect of "That's not good".

Well, she hardly over-reacted ... not enough to warrant you not understanding her reaction.

 

Honestly, if you want to make a good impression on a first date (or any subsequent date) DON'T mention an ex. For all she knew this could be a current ex with whom you are still very much hung up on, hence you not being able to refrain yourself from mentioning her.

[DelayReaction]

You are not "challenging" a popularly held belief. You are flying in the face of common sense and polite discourse. And think it is ok, because it is "your truth".

 

In the end, your truth is what matters. People will either agree with it, or move on. We are free to think as we do, and that's exactly what i'm doing.

[Kendahke]

I believe my exact words were "You reminded me of someone I know.." I didn't say who. And before anyone says "you left her thinking it was an Ex", I followed up with "it's not what you think."

 

anytime you have to qualify it with that, then there's nothing positive to be gained by saying it.

[DelayReaction]

The only thing I'm getting from this whole thread is that you lack tact, it bites you in the rear, you then pitch a fit, stomp your feet and demand that the world change to suit you. You are presumably old enough to know that the world will not bend to you. Your options are either fit in, find an off group where you do fit in, or live alone. Pitching a fit about it isn't going to do you any good, but it does make you seem naive and immature.

 

Again, not sure where this "lacking tact" is coming from. I know full well what my options are. As for creating a "fit", this is hardly what I would call a fit. Nothing is black and white in this world. Again, my beliefs are my own, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I don't demand that anyone bend to my will either. That is just silly.

 

If I wanted the world to agree with me, I would say so plainly.

[Kendahke]

In the end, your truth is what matters. People will either agree with it, or move on. We are free to think as we do, and that's exactly what i'm doing.

 

No, it's the truth of mature, polite society. It's the truth of those who wish to enter into romantic relationships unencumbered by tethers of past relationships.

 

You are the one who doesn't want to get with convention, so don't. But understand that all actions have consequences. The consequences of not being able to hold your tongue is that you get dismissed from the realm of the romantic to the friendzone; and you will not be taken seriously by any woman who has good self-esteem and self worth if you lack the basic ability to filter your thoughts and steer unproductive ones to the graveyard of your mind or by not knowing--or giving a good dash darn about--the difference. The ones who will not have a problem with listening to your comparisons will be those who are desperate for relationships with anyone who asks due to low self esteem.

 

So, don't change. Stay with your bucking of convention. But be adult enough to accept the consequences of wilfully taking that course of action with grace. Throwing haymakers with us is not going to change the fact that comparing a new, potential love interest with your ex is bad form and it will always be bad form, especially when you have to immediately qualify it with "it's not what you think..."