Wife cheated on me and I just need some help/advice.

[Eideaux]

Good Evening Everyone,

 

I am recently divorced and am having trouble with moving on. I know that it takes time but I'm finding it hard to let go of the good times I've had with my ex wife and her actions lately make me feel stupid.

 

Let me give you guys a little background on our relationship:

 

- Married for 3.5 years

- Never really fought (if I had to average out how many times we fought in a year it would be 2-3 times)

- Everyone saw us as the perfect couple because we were always fun to hang out with and always smiling and laughing

- We knew each other so well that we could finish each others sentences or knew what each other were thinking just by looking at each other

- Had so much in common

 

the bad things about her

- She expected me to take care of her by her not working at all and me handling all the bills

- She can't hold a job (4 jobs in 2 years)

- She is very materialistic (bought her 2 engagement rings because the first one I bought wasn't big enough)

- She wants to live the good life without putting the work in for it

- She has lied to me numerous times (and now that we're divorced I don't know what's true anymore)

 

the bad things she says about me

- I don't make enough money to take care of her the way she wants me to

- Our sex life isn't as good as it was when we first got together (6 years ago)

- Says that she fell out of love with me since last year (but she got my name tattooed on her side in March of this year)

- That I haven't taken care of myself and that I lost my spark (although she tells me this in August and I catch her cheating in September)

 

That's somewhat of the background on us and keep in mind everyone that I just got blindsided by this in September. Throughout our marriage I was perfectly happy and thought she was too. I never expected what happened and our friends and family didn't see this coming. In September she started acting funny and telling me she would get hotel rooms and stay there because she was depressed and couldn't sleep at home because our dogs never leave her alone. The days she would stay at these hotels she would still come home but it would be at 11:30pm - 2:00am which didn't make sense if you got a hotel room in the first place.

 

Anyway I found another account with her name and her boss' name connected to it and caught them checking out of a hotel holding hands and making out in line (she told me she was going out of town to visit her mom). Needless to say that was enough for me to divorce her.

 

Here's the trouble I'm having.

 

- I feel like she flaunts her new life in my face and to my friends (which are all on my side and don't respect her anymore)

- She talks about how big her new house is that she is renting (keep in mind she filed a BK and has bad credit)

- Bought a new Mercedes (she makes $16 an hour)

- Boasts about how much better her life is without me

 

I know I shouldn't let this bother me and I need to be the bigger man but I still can't help feeling crappy about this. It also bothers me that I bought her a good sized house and a brand new car and a really good size engagement ring but it just wasn't enough for her. Now she has her boss (that knew we were married) taking care of her and she's passing this off as her doing it all on her own.

 

I know its stupid of me to feel this way but I feel like a chump.

[Eideaux]

Also she blames me for her having an affair and I just makes me feel ty.

[Eideaux]

ty. ..Damn auto correct

[savignon]

I'm sorry. That sounds terrible and demoralizing. She seems awfully materialistic and like a user. She "upgraded" from one ring to another with you and will now use someone else to do the same. She's an insecure person and doesn't have the happiness from within that she needs so she seeks it from outside things.

I know its hard and I know you know you deserve better. Hang in there.

*hugs*

[Diggums70]

I washed stains out of my undies this afternoon that were more attractive than this chick, my brother.

 

The post I read from you is that of a real man. A real man like that can have the woman he wants; you have yet to meet her.

 

Cut your losses and thank your many lucky stars. Onward and upward!

 

 

[Mesemene]

She judges guys by what they can give her - no matter how decent a human being they are or not.

 

She judges herself by what she can get out of guys - no matter what it makes her.

 

Those two being the case - she will never be happy for long. She will never have any true sense of self. And she will never be able to love herself or someone else in a healthy way.

 

Don't let her twist your standards into hers. You're worth more than *things* you can buy, and it's on her if she doesn't recognize that. Sketch this scenario - what do you think she's going to do when there's another major recession, or a specific market, like the old . com market, crashes and whoever she has her sights on, or is with, goes from hero to zero overnight?

 

DO YOU WANT TO BE THAT GUY?

 

Of course not. You want a healthy female who is capable of judging you by your merits, not by the almighty dollar. And who will stand by you through the best and worst of times.

 

In a way, I'd look at finding out after only three years as dodging a bullet. This sure isn't someone I'd want to retire and live on a budget with!!!

[chitown9]

OP, you had a big clue when she wanted to upgrade her engagement ring, and when you went along with was her signal that you would give in to her desires from that day forward. ...chi

[lerenard]

Sorry to hear your story, be strong!

I knew a couple of women like that, one of them had three marriages in last 5 years and a child from her first one, and every time she finds a new victim she keeps telling everybody how HE is the one, makes a tattoo for him, lets him buy her a car-a ring-an apartment-a phone, and 1.5-2 years later she leaves him, telling everybody how she can`t stand that man and how he lost his spark and he can`t be a good dad for her child and a supportive husband for her. These women are just money hunters, as I see it, they want supporters, and when they realize that their wishes do not correspond to reality they go searching for another wallet.

I think all the bad things you mentioned about her are all red flags and they pretty much cover up all the good ones.

I would advice you just ignore her immature attitude now, and go on with your life.

Be happy this gold digger is not your problem any more, now she drains somebody else. Good luck!

[bighair]

I am so sorry for the way this woman made you suffer. She is a damaged individual. I think if this woman was truly happy with her new life, she wouldn't brag about it to everyone. I'm wondering if she is boasting the way she is in order to manage her own guilt for hurting you and for leaving a solid marriage. I'm sure there are people in her life who have criticized her for the way she destroyed your marriage.

 

I hope you find a healthy outlet for your emotions. Find a good therapist. Take your time and heal your heart. You will meet someone else who does not need to fill a void by keeping up facades and creating drama in her relationships.

 

Grieve your loss and make sure you are completely healed. When you meet the right woman, you won't want to lose her.

[Eideaux]

Thank you guys for your comments. Hearing it from others that don't know me or her helps. And reading all your comments helps me so much and tones down the sadness when I think of how we were or when she tries to boast and rub things in my face.

 

I know that the girl I divorced is not the girl that I married and she will never come back nor do I want her to. I understand that I need to feel these emotions to recapture who I was before her and to truly heal. I'm not one of those guys that needs to get into a relationship to get over the last. I'm just glad for people like all of you that will chime in and give support to a person when they're in need. And I'm thankful for a site like this so when these emotions get tough I always have this thread to look at when I need it.

 

Thank you guys. You've all helped me more than you know.

[Eideaux]

Actually let me just rephrase this:

 

"the girl I divorced is not the girl that I married and she will never come back nor do I want her to."

 

When I think about it I just don't want her back. I overlooked how materialistic she was because I was so in love with her that now I can see it. Chitown was right I enabled it when I bought that second engagement ring. I'll learn from this for the next woman to come into my life. And this time I'll look out for the girl that doesn't let material things define her.

 

Thank you guys.

[shelty24]

Look up narcissistic personality disorder. You had a lucky escape from her.. shes horrible. I suggest you get a few sessions if counselling to help you heal and move on. People like her are not worth the air you breath

[Quiet One]

Can you put a judgement against the boss and the work place. A lot of places won't stand for this. Has his wife been advised of what is going on and what he is buying your ex?

[pl3asehelp]

Dude. You're finally in the clear. Time to sit back and laugh at the impending crapstorm this poor guy is about to enter. This woman will tear this guy up too, he just doesn't know it yet.

[Eideaux]

Can you put a judgement against the boss and the work place. A lot of places won't stand for this. Has his wife been advised of what is going on and what he is buying your ex?

 

His brother owns the company and he's the vice president of it and he's been divorced for at least 6 years. Don't think a judgement will make his brother fire him.

 

Besides he doesn't know what he's in for and she's already told me before when I confronted her that she's not attracted to him but likes his personality. She's in her early 30s and he's 48. All my friends tell to go and confront him at their work and let him know what he did. Personally I don't know if its worth it. Our divorce is already final and although I miss her from time to time (NOTE TO EVERYONE: I WILL NEVER TAKE HER BACK) and it's hard to go to our old house without her essence being everywhere in there, I don't want to get into it anymore with her.

 

Plus I feel like if I confront him and let him know I would be doing him a favor. I'd rather let her drain him and let him go through what she put me through and then when she's on to the next it'll be his turn.

 

I know now that this girl was very manipulative and I was a sucker who fell for it, but I was also able to escape and be lucky that there were no kids or alimony in the divorce. All I lost was most of my furniture and the idea (facade actually) of being happily married to her.

 

That much I know I am thankful for. It's just getting through to the point were I don't think of how we used to be...or missing the companionship....Even though it was a facade at that point I was happy because i thought it was real.

 

I just keep telling myself that the next girl that comes into my life I will actually really experience "real love" and that it'll be 10x greater than what I experienced with this horrible girl.

[Eideaux]

Dude. You're finally in the clear. Time to sit back and laugh at the impending crapstorm this poor guy is about to enter. This woman will tear this guy up too, he just doesn't know it yet.

 

Yeah I'm just waiting for it. That'll be the day

[Quiet One]

Without a doubt I agree with you 100%. Didn't know the brother owned the business. Wish you all the luck in your future and hope she nails this guy bad for what they did to you. One of these days it will all end and she will be sorry!