My Casual Relationship Scenario

[notsomature]

What is going on with this situation? Can someone enlighten me?

 

I met this man online, and we dated for 3 weeks. The dynamics between us quickly progressed from a great first date, to him trying to sleep with me on the first night (which I didn’t let him), to him stating he doesn’t want anything serious and me thinking well I really think he’s cute so why not, we called it a casual relationship (well I was the first to call it that because I wanted to call the shots). He agreed right away as if it was what he wanted all along, and I just told myself- well if I’m not going to find anyone who wants a relationship with me now I might as well just have fun.

 

Things started getting weird, of course. Every weekend for two weeks he would text me to ask what I was doing, then he would eventually come over, we’d have sex, then he’d leave right after. I felt like crap after each time seeing him, but I wanted to prove to myself I am strong and can handle the situation. I started to find little bits of enjoyment in this quick sex. There was no cuddling, which I missed, or communication in between times that we’ve had sex. But at least I could watch T.V. and do whatever I want after he leaves. At least I could train myself to work on being single, while also having my sexual needs met. It did start to get old, however, when we weren’t meeting up as much. We only did it at my place twice, but the attempts he made to come over the weeks after that didn’t work out because I started using my weekends for more useful kinds of fun (i.e. bars, music concerts, family, friends, work). He would try to get off by asking me to send him dirty pics of myself, but I refused. Plus, just because we agreed to a casual relationship doesn’t mean he can treat me with disrespect. I know that is the common mentality among some women and most men, however. I wanted to change the dynamics a bit, so one Friday night as he asks to “hangout”. I said “Do we always have to hangout at my place? It’s boring. Let’s hangout at a bar”. He agreed, and we were going to meet up the next night at a bar, but then he cancelled the plans saying he was “nursing a hangover from the previous night”.

 

Our last communication ended when he made one last attempt at getting a dirty pic of me. He said something which really bothered me. In asking for a pic, he goes “I know you’ll make an exception for me. I’ll just wait here patiently for your pic”. Who is he to think I am a servant to him! No. So I just responded, “Aww..no need. Since you were so nice to state your intentions clearly with me, I won’t make you wait any longer. Good day and have a nice life.” He didn’t respond. I didn’t expect him to. But, ten days later he asks “Hey, how’s it going? Doing anything tonight? Let’s do that bar get together”.

 

What did he mean by “bar get together”? To me it seems he is just trying not to use the word “hangout”. What do you think it is he really wants? To spend time with me, or to spend time with me only to get me to bed.

[missmarple]

I think you know the answer. He only wants to get you to bed and he's being a jerk about it, too. 'Remembering' you 10 days later as if you had never sent that text...pffft..I hope you're not thinking of going out with him.

[NorthDallas40]

D**chebag status. I think you could find a better FWB situation than this guy.

 

What puzzles me about these kind of people is the whole "running out the door after sex" thing. What's up with that! Even if I'm not 100% into a girl, if I'm having sex with her, I certainly don't mind hanging out with her in the privacy of home afterwards. Seems beyond selfish to me.

[zentoCC]

It seems like he sees you as a challenge since you're not letting him get totally what he wants. As previous people have said he's a douche. I wouldn't bother responding to him and if he keeps bothering you give him a piece of your mind, just don't expect a response.

 

I commend you on not sending him pictures, you certainly don't want to get in to a situation where he can use them against you.

[notsomature]

@NorthDallas40: Exactly! I don't understand it either. I know the idea of a casual relationship is a little inhumane. But at least we could try to make it less cruel and barbaric by I don't know, treating each other with respect and seeing each other as human beings. My thought is that he is afraid of emotions becoming a factor, so he would try to spend as little bonding time with me as possible (i.e. the bonding time before sex is okay, but after that it becomes too risky for him).

 

@missmarpie: Yeah, I have not contacted him back nor do I plan on it. If I contact him back it would send the message that I am okay with being treated in such a way. It just boggles my mind how he can convince himself to think it's okay to contact me again, without an apology, and ask me to "get together" as if nothing happened.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you had the misunderstanding that having sex with a near stranger and being able to handle it makes you "strong". I don't think it has anything to do with strength. On the other hand, being honest with yourself that you are looking for a relationship even if it means you don't get to have sex for awhile - that can show strength of character. I'm sorry he ended up acting like a jerk. From almost the very beginning he was honest with you about only wanting a sexual arrangement.

[lavenderdove]

Ugh. Just ugh ugh ugh.

 

A clear case of a man who is interested in meeting for sex and nothing else. He was trying to treat you like a free hooker!

 

Never never never agree to anything less than what you know you want and need. Don't sell yourself short or cheap. Once you realize someone else is treating you cheaply/disrespectfully, just blow him off.

 

And honestly, it is better to be alone than engage in those kinds of encounters unless you are the type that also enjoys meaningless sex.

[Cheetarah]

He ONLY wants to boink you. And he figures since the hard and cold approach didn't work, maybe he'd have to 'romance' you a little bit. You know, buy you some hot wings and cheap piss beer. What a slob.

 

I felt like crap after each time seeing him, but I wanted to prove to myself I am strong and can handle the situation.

 

How I would define strong here, would be realizing precisely what it is you want and not settling for things that make you feel bad. Even if it takes some time. That's strong.

[savignon]

I agree with Batya, Lavenderdove and Cheetarah....once you started feeling like crap afterwards, it was time to bail. Being "strong" is not letting someone use you.

The reason he texted is that you might have agreed and it was no skin off his back that you didn't.

Stay away from those guys!

[Kendahke]

Spend time with you only to get you into bed.

 

You set the tone of the relationship by agreeing to having casual sex with him. He's just going along with you "calling the shots".

 

Now, if you want more out of him (and I can't see how you possibly could), own your voice and speak up. However, 10 days after the fact agreeing to what you asked him to do tells me that he got interested once he got horny and is looking to to appease you in order to get the pink. Funny how he can find his way into a bar now and not 2 weeks ago.

[notsomature]

Yes, it's taking true strength right now to resist the urge while I can hear the couple upstairs in my apartment complex having sex. Why are they so loud?

Anyway, I just couldn't stand it. I finally messaged him back, after two days, to tell him that I am no longer looking for a casual relationship. I didn't expect a response, nor did I get one. Today marks the beginning, again, of building my strength. I am dating, however..but I will not be giving it up so easily. I am looking for a relationship, and to be treated with respect.

[Ms Darcy]

To get respect from men, you have to act like you deserve it. Entering into a casual fling with a guy, while fun, won't make him respect you.

 

I applaud you for learning this lesson.

[Batya33]

Yes, it's taking true strength right now to resist the urge while I can hear the couple upstairs in my apartment complex having sex. Why are they so loud?

Anyway, I just couldn't stand it. I finally messaged him back, after two days, to tell him that I am no longer looking for a casual relationship. I didn't expect a response, nor did I get one. Today marks the beginning, again, of building my strength. I am dating, however..but I will not be giving it up so easily. I am looking for a relationship, and to be treated with respect.

 

Good plan. I think casual dating can involve respect just like serious relationships as long as both people are on the same wavelength - don't confuse "not being treated with respect" with agreeing to a casual arrangement and realizing you're not respecting yourself.

[pl3asehelp]

I disagree with the basic premise that you need to be 'strong' to 'handle' something that makes you feel like crap. Treat your self and behave in a way that doesn't make you feel like this.