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How should I deal with her reaction when breaking up? It's not what I want...


StrongBalance2

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The most recent details of my situation can be found here:

 

 

I'm really not sure about how to handle my girlfriend's possible reactions when I calmly/gently end our relationship and suggest that I'll move out very soon. After all, her detachment is what's forcing me into breaking up, even though it's not what I want at all. But, she's giving me two terrible options -- either stay in an 'out-of-balance' relationship where I'm completely taken for granted, or end it.

 

I have enough self-respect and know my self-worth to the point that I deserve far better treatment and so much more love than this. Talking about it over a period of months, counseling, and giving it time while still together...none of those have inspired her to change in any major way.

 

When I do end things, I'm going to be very confused on the inside, because all I really want is the old her. She'll either agree and say it's for the best, get scared and want to try to make it work, or I guess there could be many other reactions I'm not thinking of.

 

Part of me wants to try if she's willing, but deep down, I feel like we have been trying and nothing is changing in her.

 

What do you think are her likely reactions, and how should I respond to each scenario?

 

Thanks in advance.

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Thats a lot of thinking you are doing there. In your head you are already trying to answer every possible question, comment and reaction she may or may not have. To her this is going to be one of those "out of the blue" or "all of a sudden" breakups and she is going to get hurt. You have no idea how she will react. She can cry, laugh at you or jump for joy. You have no idea so why dont you just do the deed and be done with it. You have already settled in your mind this is the best for you, its going to happen, so just let it happen and then stick to your guns.

Whatever her reactions are, just deal with it at that time. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

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Just No1 said. Just do it...If you're so sure this is what you want, do it. There is nothing you can predict or do for her. Don't ask to remain friends right off the bat. This is a horrible thing to say...

 

And PLEASE be SURE this is what you REALLY WANT...

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It's not what I really want - at all. But, I feel I have no choice.

 

Just a couple months ago, she said:

 

- "I'm not sure if I'm scared of marriage in general or marrying you"

- "I know I'm taking you for granted and I don't know why. It's not fair to you"

- "Maybe the only way I'll truly know is if we take a break"

- "I love you so much and can see a future, kids, etc. with you, but I need to find myself first"

 

Maybe she doesn't think I'm strong enough to walk away, but the words above were ending it, without actually saying it's over. Right?

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Sounds like you have both been checking out emotionally for quite some time now, so I really wouldn't over think this any further. Despite that, you just never know how people will react and you can't really prepare for it. You'll just have to face the music and think on your feet. Probably the most important thing here is that you need to be confident in your decision to end things, be firm and clear, rather than sugar coating so much that you leave the other person confused about your intentions.

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I think you should start by bringing up what she has said recently. I think that you should talk about how she wanted to take a break to find herself and was not sure about marrying you. Then say that you cannot live with her knowing that she doesn't know what she wants, and that you will be moving out soon.

 

And I think it is best that you plan things out a little bit. Have an idea of where you will look to move, whether you are getting a storage unit for yourself and staying with relatives until after the holidays, or you start looking right now for a place. If the lease has a few months to go and you are on it, I can see continuing to pay for a month or two on it. If you get a rough idea, you can look like its not a threat and its more definite.

 

I do think with Thanksgiving this week, that you should either tell her before the end of the weekend or wait until a few days after Thanksgiving.

 

In talking with her, you might come up with a calm adult solution that works with your lease.

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Obviously you're doing a lot of 'thinking' and possible thinking way too much on HER behalf. You know what break ups are like, i'm sure. But if you don't stop this 'preparing'.. you're just going to ruin yourself in the end.

 

Yes, part of you 'deep down' wants to 'try', but on the other hand you know better, and what you really want/need in YOUR life.

 

Don't think we can do too much for you in regards to how you shld respond? You have to go with the flow.

Just don't wander from the subject, bring up past **** etc.

 

In the end.. maybe you can/will both agree it IS best for this time.

It is NOT going to be easy, as any loss is very hard to manage with- especially the first few months as it's such severe changes and is also emotional.

BUT, in reality... I think you ARE doing what's best... for you both. Things don't always turn out as we wish, sadly.

 

One day at a time.. don't ruin yourself about it all, okay. Take care of YOU.

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Yes, we both have our guards up at this point, and it's certainly not a way to be in relationship.

 

I do have to be confident in my decision, but internally, I am confused about how I'll handle her unpredictable response to me ending things. Again, this isn't what I want at all, and I would have been willing to work through anything with her had she met me half way. I will tell her that, but it still makes me unsure. I will be calm, strong and confident when I face this breakup, but I know I'll feel differently on the inside.

 

I also feel that if she responds with a desire to continue working on things, I'll remind her of her comments suggesting detachment and an uncertain future for us, without any real commitment. I want to hold my strength and move on without her, but I am concerned she will try to convince me to give 'us' another chance. The reason I'm concerned is that I truly want to be with the 'old' her, but she has pushed me away in deeply hurtful ways and it's playing tricks on my mind with the short-term being great and the long-term looking dreadful.

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