Boyfriend still emotionally supporting his ex!

[butterflycloud]

Before me my boyfriend was in a relationship for a few years but it has been over for about two years.. Although for the last year she moved in downstairs as she fell on hard financial times...

 

I met him knowing that she was still staying there and he promised me that he would ask her to leave. She never left but in the interim now has a boyfriend that she stays with most of the time... When she will really move out who knows??? I have been with him for a year now but we don't live together yet...

 

Apart from having been patient with the above what worries me more is the extent that his emotional support for her goes... She is always in some sort of trouble crying on the phone about something and he is always offering her that support...surely that needs to come to an end now? I don't mean to seem harsh but it seems that that emotional attachment is still there and its really hurting me now... I hear about her stuff almost daily and I know that if the tables were turned that my bf would freak!!

 

What do I do and say...Ive had enough now! Problem is he needs to let go completely and by me demanding it I don't think its going to happen...

 

We have spoken about marriage etc...but how can that ever happen when she is still in the picture?

[pippy longstocking]

what options have you got

 

you say demanding it wont work

you can't live like this

she is just happily cracking on with her life

 

at some point you will have to bite the bullet with one of them , either him or even her ...

 

can you not go into it slowly like " it is time she started saving now to get her own place" or can you offer to talk to her yourself ..and instead of the demanding .how about pointing out all the reasons why this is so so wrong . I would not be happy about this either btw

[butterflycloud]

Thnks shooing star..

 

In the beginning I was patient and trued to be understanding but ive had enough now... Yes maybe I can talk to her but what worries me more is that my bf keeps on entertaining this and somehow feels emotionally responsible for her...

 

What should I say to him as this seems to be a somewhat sensitive subject.....

[Stay_home]

I think you and boyfriend need to sit down and have a talk about this ex girlfriend who can't seem to get her life together.

 

If it were me, I would tell him that I'm starting to get tired of this and that it's effecting our relationship. And if that doesn't work than you have to decide if this is something you can continue to live with.

[pippy longstocking]

you sound like you have been very patient and kind ....this would have driven me to distraction .... I have never personally been a big believer on contact with the exes and this is one step to far for most people I think .

 

so how about something like ...

 

to him

 

I can clearly see what a kind loving man you are from your actions , but there comes a time when you have to consider all of those around you . You have considered your ex for a long time now , long enough for her to have sorted her life and living arrangements out and unfortunately she hasn't done this . She has her own life now and her own man , yet I feel that my relationship with you has to be shared , I want to build a future , I want us to be together as a partnership but right now that is impossible with a third party . I am sure if this gets serious with her own boyfriend he wil start to feel the same once he sees how much his girlfriend is relying on you . So maybe now is the time for you to encourage her to "fly the nest" and become independent from you and get on with her own life and her own boyfriend .

 

 

to her

 

get the f$$$ away from my fella before I drop kick you all the way to the housing office .

[Rosebud]

You've handled it well so far. If i were you i would ask him if he thinks it's appropriate. Say, I'm not telling you what to do, as i wouldn't want to demand anything from you at all, but i just want you to consider whether the level of attachment you have with your ex and fact she's dependent on you is healthy/appropriate. Ask him to consider how he would feel if the tables were turned, and whether he'd feel comfortable with that.

[butterflycloud]

Shootingstar-- what great advice...thank you so much for taking the time to reply...

 

I must admit that I almost fell off of my chair laughing when I read what you said I should say to her...hahahahahahahahah

 

I like what you suggested I say to him too......do you think that that would help him to let go of her too?

 

2 sided coin....thank you for your input too....it is time to have a chat...

[lerenard]

butterflycloud you have been good and patient and understanding. I think you have the right to ask him to do the same for you.

He might be too kind to her, I mean she sounds like someone who sits on his neck and swings her legs like nothing is wrong with it, and she doesn't bother to try to get her sh*t together and get a life.

And the fact that you don't live there, but she does is very sick IMHO. So let him know how you feel, shooting star made a good point.

[pippy longstocking]

Shootingstar-- what great advice...thank you so much for taking the time to reply...

 

I must admit that I almost fell off of my chair laughing when I read what you said I should say to her...hahahahahahahahah

 

I like what you suggested I say to him too......do you think that that would help him to let go of her too?

 

2 sided coin....thank you for your input too....it is time to have a chat...

 

well I hope so ...because your doing it nicely and it would be a shame for it all to blow up when you are only doing what we all would do /say

[butterflycloud]

So I just spoke to him amd got all cross..

 

He said that he has been open with me by telling me what she has said etc and that I have just thrown it all up in his face....

I tried to ask him how he would feel if te the tables were turned but he didn't really answer. ...it didnt go well at all....

 

I tried to tell him that I have been patient but he made out that im just causing and throwing it in his face.....

 

What now??

 

Feeling like my feelings mean

[Mesemene]

I'm not quite as nice as everyone else.

 

I would point out that him getting defensive and snapping off when you're not accusing, but trying to be honest and open with him IN RETURN is not productive, and will not encourage your continued openness and honesty with him.

 

And tell him as much for her sake (being nice again) as his - her level of dependence isn't healthy. She has a boyfriend, and yet it's her ex she's unable to function emotionally without. That's not going to make for healthy relationships for her - and it sure isn't healthy for him having her dramas in the middle of his life. By allowing her to cling to him to this extent, he's actually hurting her odds for getting her life together, and for keeping a stable relationship of her own.

 

Most guys are NOT going to tolerate her running to him daily for support. And he's lucky you've tolerated it this long. While she happens to be an ex - I'm willing to bet even if it was a friend or sibling, the daily drama and neediness would grow old fast - and the same logic would apply. Allowing and fostering her dependence is not good for her in the long run, plain and simple.

 

If she needs this much support to get her life on track - she needs a support group and therapy, not just one friend.

[amipushy]

Tell him that you want to understand their relationship and ask him to explain what she means to him. Then listen without getting defensive. It may be that he really does care about her but feels that nothing will ever happen between them because for whatever reason he feels in his heart they dont belong together. She is an ex for a reason, afterall. If this is the case then you have to trust him and what he says and let it drop.

 

Can you do that? Because if he feels that you dont believe in him or trust him he may feel what's the point and move on to find someone who does believe in him and trust him. If you dont trust him, what is the point in continuing anyway?

[Celadon]

Boy, I sympathize with you, OP. I would hate for my boyfriend to have that close of a relationship with his ex. As it is my guy does keep in touch with her and is closer with her than I like. But enough about me. I do like the idea in the post above about simply sitting him down and asking him about their relationship and letting him say what it means to him. Let him have his say first. Show you are listening and understanding.

 

However I would also consider asking him or pointing out to him that your life together kind of revolves around his ex girlfriend. Is that what he thinks is healthy? That's what I'd ask him.

 

In some ways you're being punished by being the good responsible girlfriend who doesn't have drama. I would probably also tell him that.

 

Another thing is that sometimes guys need to grow out of their Hero-to-damsel-in-distress mentality. Its fine to care for exes and friends but there are proper boundaries that come with maturity. If he gets a boost to his ego because he's always running to her aid, then that's something he needs to address and grow out of. Imho.

[rmoheban]

You need to communicate and express to your boyfriend the impact this has on you and create limits and boundaries with him around the relationship with his ex-girlfriend. My relationship advice to you is go to couples therapy and work with him on communicating and finding out more about his attachment to her and gain a deeper understanding. It will help you gain clarity and as you both grow more aware you can develop a deeper more intimate relationship. I had a similar issue with one of my couples and it was amazing to discover the hidden issues involved as they both learned to communicate more effectively and developed a healthy relationship as a result.

[butterflycloud]

Mesemene....I like what you had to say...

 

I need to address the fact that all I did was to share my feelings with him and he got all defensive...Geez...can I not just express how I feel plus it wasn't in accusatory tone at all!!

 

All I really said was that I was concerned that she leans on him SO MUCH ALL THE TIME! I didn't accuse him or say that I ddnt trust him....

 

He made me feel guilty for bringing it up and accused me of throwing it up in his face

 

I heard this morning that she is heavy into drugs etc which will leave her very unstable so I gather that her leaning on him is not going to stop.... He said that she hadn't stayed at the house for a long time but my point is that she calls him ALL THE TIME which is even more worrying for me!!

 

Now I guess he will ignore me for the next few days and I know that Im not in the wrong

[n83]

Your boyfriend sounds like he has a box full of rocks.

 

I wouldn't discuss marriage or anything else with him. In fact if I were you, I'd probably move on. This is a seriously bad sign for all of his future relationships.

[abitbroken]

I would just leave. I would never have gotten into it in the first place if a guy still has his ex living with him. I wouldn't date him until that was over. Now you are in it and he clearly doesn't respect your feelings or respect you the manner in which he spoke to you about it. He is the "you are throwing everything in my face " type of guy. Just get out.

[butterflycloud]

Thing is I have been with him for a year now and we have spoken about marriage

 

Feeling so down, sad, angry , let down ...........

[DancingFool]

Thing is I have been with him for a year now and we have spoken about marriage

 

Feeling so down, sad, angry , let down ...........

 

Probably not a good idea to keep dumping more and more time into a bad investment. I think some of the posters are correct in that you should have never stepped into this situation in the first place, let alone put up with it as long as you have. It seems like they broke up but he has never really moved on from her emotionally and neither has she for that matter. She has a bf, yet she continues to lean on her ex, live with him, etc. It's a pretty messed up situation. Him getting so defensive with you is a big clue to me that he is not ready to let this thing go even though he knows it's wrong. He rose up to defend her/him against any perceived criticism.

 

I don't really know what to tell you beyond maybe try to talk about it a few more times, but be ready to walk away. For as long as he is more interested in supporting her, you really don't have much of a relationship and you can't make him change. Change may or may not come, but it will only happen when he is good and ready for it. Given how defensive he got, it doesn't sound like he is ready at all.

 

Either way, don't stay in a bad situation just because you've already been in it for a year. That's never a good reason to continue.