Am I right in giving him a second chance?

[aquarian]

Quick background: I've been with my boyfriend about four months after first meeting online, declared exclusive that whole time. Deeply in love. Building a life together. I told him from day one that my deal-breakers include infidelity and serious dishonesty... "one strike, you're out" with those things. I can't be with someone I don't trust.

 

He still has some accounts on dating sites, which I'm fully aware of and fine with -- he uses them to look for new friends (and has that indicated on his profile). But last week, I found out he was on a site where he's still listed as single, and was replying to messages from someone who happens to be a friend of mine. He didn't know I knew her, but according to her, she recognized him midway through the conversation (based on my Facebook profile pics) and put two and two together.

 

Long story short, the conversation turned sexual, and he started talking about how it was a fantasy of his to meet a beautiful woman on the street, take her home, and have his way with her (implying this girl could fit that fantasy). She asked him what he liked about her, and he listed all the attributes from her pictures that he found sexy. She egged him on and offered to meet up and "see where things go," and at first he resisted and said he wasn't looking for a fling, but then wrote "I haven't ruled casual sex out of my life completely. I'm just trying to cut back." It was 2 in the morning when they were talking, and my friend asked if she could come over, with the very clear intention of sex happening. He gave her his address and phone number and said he just needed to clean really quick, though didn't explicitly agree that it would lead to sex. However, he did say (after she asked) that he was STD free and had condoms on hand.

 

Anyway, my friend eventually called him out on it, and told him she would be emailing me to say he's a cheater.

 

When I woke up in the morning, I had two emails... one from her, with their entire conversation pasted in (as well as the login details for her account, in case I didn't believe her and wanted to read everything directly on the site). The other email was from my boyfriend, saying that a "psycho friend" of mine had tried to trap him and would probably be emailing me with a made-up conversation to make it look like he was going to cheat on me.

 

I was so devastated. I can't even describe it. I've never cried so hard. I asked him for his complete honesty, to just come clean, and pasted the more incriminating parts of their conversation into an email to him and asked if he indeed wrote those things. He straight-faced denied it (despite me emphasizing that I'd have a lot more respect for him if he came clean than if he lied). He continued to lie until I told him I had access to her account and could see every message he had written.

 

I was fully planning on breaking up with him. However, we had a long, long conversation... walking around town for hours, some serious heart-to-hearts, sharing our vulnerabilities. He couldn't explain why he had done it other than he was lonely and feeling depressed. He swore up and down that he's never cheated on anyone before (I'm inclined to believe it... I know most of his exes and they all say he was incredibly loyal), and wasn't planning on cheating that night either. It just seemed like the girl on the dating site was a lost soul and needed someone to talk to. He claims that when she got to his place, he was going to just sit her down outside and explain that nothing could happen between them because he had a girlfriend.

 

This is the first time I've ever had a reason not to trust him. We've spent a lot of time with each other's friends and parents, we're planning on moving in together, he does some of the most thoughtful and caring things for me that I've ever experienced, and I truly do feel that he loves me. I KNOW he was completely remorseful about what happened. And to be fair, my friend was the one initiating all the sexual conversation and imposing herself on him (which she claims was to see how he'd respond). I don't get the impression he's out there looking for ladies on the side. So after talking about it and thinking long and hard, I decided not to end things... as the thought of that is even more painful than this whole ordeal was.

 

Ever since that happened, he's been far more affectionate and seems to really be making an effort to re-win my trust and make it up to me. Which I appreciate. I feel like he may have been taking me for granted earlier on, and now realizes it's possible to lose me.

 

I just want to know if I'm being stupid in giving him a second chance. I love this man with all my heart, and I don't want him out of my life. I still can't believe the things I read him write to another girl, but I want to believe we all make mistakes and can truly move on from them.

 

So, any outsider opinions would be great. Should what he did be an automatic deal-breaker, or is there hope it was just a one-time thing and we can have a successful future together?

[ForeverFree81]

If what he did was an automtic deal breaker for you when you entered the relationship, it should still be now. I would consider that cheating, and if cheating is a deal breaker to you, then end things with him and dont look back.

[pippy longstocking]

I believe in second chances , I am always willing to hear a person out ....

 

you heard him out , and then managed to convince yourself that your friend lead him to this , I would say on that point not to defend his actions and point the finger at your friend , she was however wrong to entice him once she knew it was him ....playing with fire ....but don't kid yourself about it , he was down as single and was clearly willing to do it . That is his own thought process not your friends .

 

Is it a deal breaker ?...I would say 99% of your replies will be a big fat YES ....

 

but what everyone else calls a deal breaker doesn't mean it has to be yours .

 

Maybe he has learnt a very valuable lesson here and will never do it again , maybe it made him realise he nearly lost a good woman , maybe it humiliated him and he realised he has been made to look a fool and he never wants to go back there again ....

 

or maybe he just thought "crap, I got caught out this time"

 

If you do let this go and carry on , which it looks like you are , then you have to leave this behind you and never use it against him or torture yourself over it ....many people forgive ...but then a wedge develops in the relationship because one of them can't get over it , brings it up constantly , has no trust ....

 

your guts are telling you something or you wouldn't be here ...and like I say most would tell him to get lost , but you don't have to run with the crowd ...it is about what is a deal breaker for YOU .

[lerenard]

if that girls just "happened" not to be your friend, he would be banging someone that night, without even bothering to tell you.

"I haven't ruled casual sex out of my life completely. I'm just trying to cut back." - think about that once again.

you can`t ask us if you should trust him, its what`s your gut is telling you. can you trust him again? but I would be warned by the fact that he was 100% willing to go and cheat on you, and lied to you about it later until you brought up the fact that you have the whole conversation, knowing it was your deal-breaker he was still ignorant. he doesn't care, in my opinion. now he is just afraid you will dump him. and I think if you do - he will go and have his "casual" sex the next day, while you will be crying your eyes out.

[Mesemene]

Sorry, but what you've told us of the conversation doesn't sound like the kind of thing a guy would be trying to comfort a "lost soul" with.

 

At least I know if I start talking to a guy who seems down and depressed, I don't start telling him I have a fantasy of meeting someone like him on the street and getting down to business with him!

 

Would he have gone through with it? Probably even he isn't sure. Was he flirting with disaster? Most assuredly, yes.

 

Does he feel guilty? Again, yes.

 

And what bothers me most is he's trying to represent it as a "made up conversation" when you have access to original logs. Ok, maybe your friend overstepped a little egging him on. But what if it had been another girl? How far could it have gone?

 

At the very least, he needs to come all the way clean with you. Trying to say he was bolstering a lost soul with sexual propositions is ludicrous and insulting to your intelligence.

 

He'd be better off saying "Look, I f'ed up. I was bored and wasn't thinking with my brain, and I let things get way out of hand in that conversation. I'd like to think I respect you enough not to have let it go further, but I'll understand if you don't trust my intentions."

[louisecar]

he is feeding you with complete bull!! lonely soul? please! he is lonely and depressed? so everytime he is feeling that way he is going to seek sex with someone else rather than his girlfriend? oh my dear i would not forgive him after that. no way in hell. iv been in a similar situation but your boyfriend didnt even admit to it until the point where he had to! i really couldnt trust someone like that or believe a word he said. i know your friend egged him on but it is likely that at some stage every man has a woman throw herself at him. if he cant resist the temptation when opportunity knocks then what you have is a cheater on your hands. also you are only 4 months together and he is doing this kind of thing already? this is supposed to be the honeymoon stage. what do you think will happen years down the line!

[QWit]

It's only an automatic dealbreaker if you think it is.. We could offer you our thoughts, but the decision comes down to you.. Do you feel you can continue with him? If you do, do you feel you will be able to trust him again? Do you feel he is genuinely sorry and trying to make things up to you? If you are asking this question to us, then something in you gut say something is wrong... You may need to take space away from this guy to a least sort out your feelings..I kind of think you let him back in too easy and, now, you are second guessing yourself..

[SooSad33]

Ummm... HE gave her his information. His address.. I think he WAS planning on something more. he was going to do it.

He is 'male' (eyeroll). AND sadly, many men HAVE either cheated, want to or HAVE thought about it. (apparently it is 'in them'.. a 'need' to spread their seed), so I learned a cpl months ago.

 

On occasion you WILL come accross some men who have NOT cheated and won't. THEY are loyal. So.. you can accept him & give him another chance or say.. YOU blew it! Go away..

 

I'm willing to bet ya he will NOT be messing around that way again re: dating sites. He HAS now been nailed good!

Please think on this a bit. I do hope he really isn't like that.

He may just have been 'feeling lonely' or sumthin and she 'tempted' him and he went for it, but still, HE HAD YOU.

That's what ticks me off.

 

Fps.. some are so duhhhh.. to NOT realize what they have right in front of them? Ugh... it is sad.

The final decision is yours. This is just our insight.

Wish you the best.

[jarroz]

NOPE. He gave this random girl he didn't even know his address and phone number in the middle of the night, and told her he was STD free and had condoms on hand, right after telling her his fantasies. But then he was just going to tell her 'no' when she got there? Yeah RIGHT. But it's your choice if you're ok with that or not.

[metrogirl]

So really, cheating and lying aren't deal breakers.

[abitbroken]

BTW, no one stays on a DATING site to look for "friends" when they are in a relationship. They go to meetup groups that revolve around their interest - fly fishing, karate, people that like to go out to dinner as a group and try speaking chinese while they do it...professional associations, etc.

 

He couldn't explain why he had done it other than he was lonely and feeling depressed.

 

So being lonely and depressed is an excuse? So...most people would call up their GIRLFRIEND if they were lonely, take a walk, meditate, read, watch tv. If they were down, they might go to sleep, or exercise, etc. Don't buy this load of crapola.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's not sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught. You can either decide to stay with him, where he'll learn to do a better job of covering his tracks the next time around, or you can learn a life lesson by knowing that when someone shows you who they are, it's best to believe them.

[greta96]

I hope you're not seriously considering giving this cheater a second chance!!! You are lucky the person he was going to bang was a friend of yours, it could have been a stranger and your beloved boyfriend would have had sex with her that night, and you would have never known!

Do you know how many men are on online dating sites pretending to be looking for relationships, while in fact they are just trolling for sex? And do you know how many women on those sites are more than willing to give sex to them, regardless if they have girlfriends or wives or not? Most of those sites are STD central, do you really want to expose yourself to one of those STDs, only because you like this guy so much that your common sense goes out the window?

 

This exact same thing happened to a friend of mine, she was dating this guy, and I happened to see him on the dating site listed as single looking for love. I didn't talk to him myself, but I had her look him up, and she created a fake profile and chatted with him the same way your friend did with your "boyfriend", and he was more than ready to meet up with her. She still stayed with him, which was beyond my comprehension. And obviously he turned out to be a deadbeat and he cheated on her left and right and eventually dumped her after giving her an STD and wasting almost a year of her life.

 

You saw the proof of his character and his deceit with your own 2 eyes. Not many of us have this luxury, most women learn about their guys' cheating ways the hard way. If you willingly choose to ignore this HUGE dealbreaker, you've got no one to blame but yourself, next time he does this to you (and he will, guaranteed - but that time you may not be as lucky to find out as you were now). You know what they say - fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me! Give him a second chance and his cheating will be only 50% his fault, and 50% yours, because now you showed him that even if he cheats and flirts online, you will always be weak enough to take him back.

 

Seriously, some things are forgivable and not worth dumping for, but what this jerk did is unforgivable. I can't understand how you're even thinking of staying with him, of kissing him, having sex with him...how are you even going to trust him ever again??

[quark]

If you made it clear when you started dating that "one strike you're out" and you don't follow through, how is he supposed to respect you? You'll seem like a pushover. What's to stop him from doing it again? Obviously there aren't any repercussions. I know this sounds harsh, but i'm repeating your own words. "deal breaker"

 

"I haven't ruled out casual sex completely". Ew. Is that who you want to be committed to??

[Iggles]

I just want to know if I'm being stupid in giving him a second chance.

 

In my opinion, resuming a relationship would be unwise...

 

I love this man with all my heart, and I don't want him out of my life. I still can't believe the things I read him write to another girl, but I want to believe we all make mistakes and can truly move on from them.

 

When people show you who they are, believe them!

 

It may not feel like it, but you actually got lucky that this girl reached out to you and sent you the whole conversation. He lied to your face REPEATEDLY. Now he's sweet talking you, but you have evidence of him sweet talking her. Do not get sucked back in.

 

So, any outsider opinions would be great. Should what he did be an automatic deal-breaker, or is there hope it was just a one-time thing and we can have a successful future together?

 

Yes, it's a deal breaker for me. I also met my boyfriend online and would be devastated if he did something like this. But you have to remember, this ugly side to him that you want to wish away is real. It's part of who he is.

 

I implore you to read what you wrote here again. Emphasis added for the parts I found most damning:

 

Long story short, the conversation turned sexual, and he started talking about how it was a fantasy of his to meet a beautiful woman on the street, take her home, and have his way with her (implying this girl could fit that fantasy). She asked him what he liked about her, and he listed all the attributes from her pictures that he found sexy. She egged him on and offered to meet up and "see where things go," and at first he resisted and said he wasn't looking for a fling, but then wrote "I haven't ruled casual sex out of my life completely. I'm just trying to cut back." It was 2 in the morning when they were talking, and my friend asked if she could come over, with the very clear intention of sex happening. He gave her his address and phone number and said he just needed to clean really quick, though didn't explicitly agree that it would lead to sex. However, he did say (after she asked) that he was STD free and had condoms on hand.

 

That is what he actually did. The many ways he betrayed you. Your "friend" may have questionable motives but she did you a solid here. You have full evidence of him being a toad. What you choose to do with this information is up to you, but I very much doubt this is a one-time thing. Don't believe the lies, not even thrones you tell yourself not to face the reality of who he really is!