Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[missmarple]

Maybe he's still not ready to date. In any case, you've done nothing wrong.

[justagirl2]

I mean, I think it's been wrong of me to keep clinging on to him when he's not into me. I should have stopped talking to him you know? This was wrong of me.

 

With that said, I think he's been pretty honest throughout this all. He's been consistent with his actions and it's not like he's playing with me.

[Batya33]

I married a shy guy. All that meant was that it took him a bit longer (the first time around that we dated) to ask me out on a date. But he did and he made his feelings and interest 100% clear by calling me, asking me out and telling me he was interested. And yes, especially the first time we dated, he was very ,very shy.

 

The first time he courted me seriously he was 28. He had a very serious girlfriend at age 25.

[Deciduous]

But he did have a serious girlfriend in HS and college. His brother told me she was a really bad person and manipulative so I'm thinking that's where his issues are coming from.

 

I do think he's a young guy from NYC... He's 25, just a kid you know? I feel like a lot of guys in big cities are very focused on themselves/their careers.

 

Hi Justagirl,

 

But even so, they still have a sex drive (if I may put it so crudely) which encourages them to go out and connect with people, whether it be a casual relationship or more serious.

 

From what you are telling me, he seems to have emotionally shut himself off from every-body. This isn't by accident or a strange coincidence.

 

As for your acting clingy, isn't this direct result of being some-what ignored after a pivotal moment happened. In fact the pivotal moment was completely ignored and not discussed. I don't think your response is abnormal. If you were feeling unsure of yourself, it was because of the way he was behaving. Your reaction didn't happen in a vacuum. More to do with the fact that he didn't try to see you when he was in town and clarify the situation, so you were left hanging.

 

Very unfair.

 

As for not replying to his texts, you do have an opportunity to answer, and put the relationship on an honest footing. There are questions as to what happened after that kiss. Why the casual behaviour from his side? What is going on here? How does he see things?

 

This isn't being pushy. This is about making emotionally mature decisions about your emotional well-being. This is giving him the opportunity to tell the story from his side, so you can make choices about your own life. You need to know so that you can move on or hang on. At the moment you are still in limbo, understandably so.

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

I mean, I think it's been wrong of me to keep clinging on to him when he's not into me. I should have stopped talking to him you know? This was wrong of me.

 

With that said, I think he's been pretty honest throughout this all. He's been consistent with his actions and it's not like he's playing with me.

 

If he had been being emotionally honest, he would have said "Yes, I would like you as a girlfriend" or "No, I do not." Instead he avoids the elephant in the room.

[justagirl2]

Deci - I'm not sure if you read my first post about this guy. He actually wrote very nice texts to me saying he had the best date ever, thanking me for a great night etc. However, we were still in the same city for 2 days after our date and instead of wanting to see me again he chose to go to the Hamptons with his family. Now I know he lives in a different country and is very close to his family, but come on, if he really liked me he would have stayed in the city to spend more time with me. It really didn't even seem to be a hard decision for him at all. I was hurt by that for sure.

 

At the same time, after talking to some guy friends, they all told me it's difficult for guys to start a relationship when living in different countries. But like you said, doesn't this guy have a sex drive? I know he made out with some girls that live in our building, but it was just a one time thing.

 

He confuses me a lot.

[justagirl2]

If he had been being emotionally honest, he would have said "Yes, I would like you as a girlfriend" or "No, I do not." Instead he avoids the elephant in the room.

 

But I never really asked him this question. How will he answer if I didn't ask? I act "cool" about the situation too, you know? We are both avoiding it at all costs.

[justagirl2]

And look right now he probably thinks I'm totally crazy because I talk to him about other guys too. We are both being childish and handling this badly. I think I'm actually handling it a lot worse than he is. If it was for him, we probably would just not be talking at all.

[Deciduous]

Deci - I'm not sure if you read my first post about this guy. He actually wrote very nice texts to me saying he had the best date ever, thanking me for a great night etc. However, we were still in the same city for 2 days after our date and instead of wanting to see me again he chose to go to the Hamptons with his family.

 

Hi Justagirl,

 

I see what you are saying, but that is not acknowledging what happened in terms of where you stand. The response was vague and non-commital, to say the least. And you gave him all the encouragement he needs by saying he was a fantastic guy.

 

And still he remains vague and unable to pin down. Saying that he had a very nice night and leaving it at that, really isn't enough. You can see that, can't you?

 

Re-read Miss Marple's story again. And Batya's. When a man is interested he says so, no matter how shy. When he isn't, he feels no pressure to address the situation until you do.

 

At the same time, after talking to some guy friends, they all told me it's difficult for guys to start a relationship when living in different countries.

 

But not impossible. If that is the issue why doesn't he say so. Why isn't he locking you down?

 

But like you said, doesn't this guy have a sex drive? I know he made out with some girls that live in our building, but it was just a one time thing.

He confuses me a lot.

 

At the moment, the kiss he shared with you is a one time thing also. Why is that? If he is confusing you a lot, it is because you never ask him any direct questions, sweetie Instead of asking for clarification (as Miss Marple eventually did) you prefer to live with supposition and wondering and confusion.

 

You can help yourself in this situation. There is no need to endlessly wonder about his intentions. Some-one has to say something or you could go on like this for years.

 

What do you think is holding you back?

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

I just don't think it's right to have this type of conversation via text, you know? I want to be able to talk to him face to face. I feel like texting is just being really bad for us. I really don't think it's appropriate to have this sort of conversation with someone via the phone.

 

What I need to do is stop talking to him until we are in the same city with plans to hangout. Texting is making everything worse. Now we are using it as a tool to make each other jealous. I mean, why, you know?

[justagirl2]

You guys have no idea the type of conversation we are having now. He is legit asking me about the other guy. Friendzone? But like, I kind of brought it up so how can we blame him?

[Deciduous]

But I never really asked him this question. How will he answer if I didn't ask? I act "cool" about the situation too, you know? We are both avoiding it at all costs.And look right now he probably thinks I'm totally crazy because I talk to him about other guys too. We are both being childish and handling this badly. I think I'm actually handling it a lot worse than he is. If it was for him, we probably would just not be talking at all.

 

Hmmm, I think you are some-what re-writing what is going on here. You've dropped some hints and he has declined to pick them up. A guy knows when a girl is interested. You were interested five years ago and he ran away. He knows what is going on.

 

This is not a tale of two desperately shy people who can't make their love work. There are reasons that he is holding back and it isn't to do with uncertainty about your feelings.

 

Your going back to romantising his behaviour, when the truth is, his behaviour is rather hurtful. Do you think it possible that aa guy could be geniuely interested in you, speak to you every day, and not let you know.

 

What motivation would he have? How would that serve him? He has a burning love for a chick, yet he leaves her to wonder endlessely about his feelings. He kisses her, then never addresses the situation in any real or tangible way. How shy can you be with a girl you speak to everyday and who has demonstated a clear interest in you.

 

As I said, re-read Miss Marple's story.

 

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

I guess. I do think I'm a little ambivalent though. I act interested, then I act cool, I act interested, then I talk about other guys. You know? I just don't think I've been dealing with this the correct way at all.

 

Should I say something to him like, ok a little weird to be talking about this with you?

[Deciduous]

I really don't think it's appropriate to have this sort of conversation with someone via the phone.

 

I think a phone conversation is reasonable. By delaying, you put off your own emotional stability and health. Surely that has got to be a priority. You have to be the priority here. You've played it his way. It hasn't worked. Nothing has progressed. If we keep doing what we've always done, we'll always get, what we've always gotten.

 

What are you hoping might change in person?

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

Can I tell him now that I think it's weird to be talking about other guys with him?

[Deciduous]

I guess. I do think I'm a little ambivalent though. I act interested, then I act cool, I act interested, then I talk about other guys. You know? I just don't think I've been dealing with this the correct way at all.

 

Should I say something to him like, ok a little weird to be talking about this with you?

 

Perhaps you are ambivalent. But to us on the outside, you ambivalence comes from the fact that he does not clarify the situation. Honey, all these text conversations, and not a open and honest word said to tackle the elephant in the room.

 

Don't you think that is a terrible shame?

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

Yes. It's ridiculous right now. I am defending myself by acting like a complete idiot.

[Deciduous]

Can I tell him now that I think it's weird to be talking about other guys with him?

 

You certainly can. And it sounds like the ideal opportunity to say, you're not quite sure what the rules are here, because you are not quite sure how things stand for him. You're a bit confused about the situation.

 

Finally we are getting to a real and honest conversation. This is a good thing, a positive thing.

 

Yes I would definitely use this opportunity.

Deci

[justagirl2]

Honestly, I feel like it's stupid to ask because if he's asking me about other guys it seems like that is my answer?

[Deciduous]

Honestly, I feel like it's stupid to ask because if he's asking me about other guys it seems like that is my answer?

 

I think you deserve a clear answer, honestly I do. After-all you will only keep wondering, which is understandable. It does need truthful clarification, for you own piece of mind and emotional health.

 

The heart needs to know for sure, because it's made an investment - and a logical estimation isn't enough to stop it from continuing to invest. We are dealing with strong feelings here and that needs to be respected.

 

Take a leaf out of Miss Marple's book. Eventually she bit the bullet - and although she didn't like the answer - it did allow her to move on and get her head straight. This is what is needed and you deserve that. Your heart needs to know where it stands. That isn't unreasonable, by any measure.

 

Yes. It's ridiculous right now. I am defending myself by acting like a complete idiot.

 

Of course your not. We all get confused when we are actually in the situation. It's easy to stand on the side-lines and shout the facts. I don't think you're an idiot at all. You really like this chap and of course that will cause confusion. Been there. Done that.

 

You take care.

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

Yes but I still feel like I should have been a bigger person and not tell him about the other guy who is interested in me. Why? Well, I guess I wanted him to see like there are other people out there who are interested and like you said if he doesn't act clear he will lose me. However, that's just a stupid way to go about it.

 

I'm in the movies right now will reply to him when I get home. I left my phone I talk to him at home so I can focus on being out w/ friends right now.

[lady00]

You're being way too hard on yourself. What you're doing isn't stupid. It's fairly logical - just not not particularly effective. If he's not that interested (for whatever reason - it may not even be about you in particular) he may be somewhat relieved to hear about other guys rather than jealous enough to step up to the plate. If he's a good guy the thought of hurting someone in any way would not be in the least bit appealing to him. I don't know what's going on in his head at all but if he's not interested in pursuing anything with you he may well feel better knowing you are interested in other guys.

[justagirl2]

I guess. I will update you guys what he replies when I get back home. I talked to my cousin who is staying with me for a few weeks and she told me she doesn't think it's good to have a conversation about feelings by phone. I have to stop texting him and when we are in the same city hangout and talk to him and express how I feel.

[lady00]

I guess. I will update you guys what he replies when I get back home. I talked to my cousin who is staying with me for a few weeks and she told me she doesn't think it's good to have a conversation about feelings by phone. I have to stop texting him and when we are in the same city hangout and talk to him and express how I feel.

 

I agree with not texting. But it seems like a pretty common thing these days. I am very sensitive to texting because I once had a boyfriend who wanted to have our entire relationship (including our breakup) via text. I'm exaggerating of course, we saw each other in person all the time but he wanted to have important conversations via text and I hated hated hated it. I'm on the talking in person bandwagon all the way!

[justagirl2]

So I just read his replies to me. He said he doesn't like this guy and thinks he's too aggressive. He also said he thinks it's a little "high school" of the guy to use the fact that he was helping me prep for interviews to ask me out on a date. Well, I guess he has some valid points.

 

I told him that in all honesty am not interested in this guy and only want to be friends. Which is total true. I don't want to drag someone else into my life at this point. My classmate is really sweet and good friends with all my good friends I don't want to get him involved in my emotional state right now.

 

He decided to be all supportive now and saying he thought about me the whole day yesterday hoping that my interview went ok. Ok then.

 

Tomorrow he should have news of when he's coming back to the US and he plans to come visit me before starting the new job. Let's see what will happen at this point I'm still clueless as to what this guy want. I need to try not to talk to him. It is SO hard though specially because I want to hear when he's coming back etc...