Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[justagirl2]

Whilst it's good to have standards, checking boxes on paper doesn't really allow for the human, nebulous element, that makes two people work - to come into play.

 

My standards are not normal. My dad is one of the most impressive man I know so i have very high standards. In the end, I end up dating really special guys so is it that bad? I wish I could lower the standards a bit though, I feel like at this point I'm literally looking at 0,001% of the male population. Those are not favorable odds.

[Batya33]

My standards are not normal. My dad is one of the most impressive man I know so i have very high standards. In the end, I end up dating really special guys so is it that bad? I wish I could lower the standards a bit though, I feel like at this point I'm literally looking at 0,001% of the male population. Those are not favorable odds.

 

Don't lower your standards. Raise the standards when it comes to finding a good match. Those standards might or might not be co-extensive with the standards you're referring to in your post.

[justagirl2]

Don't lower your standards. Raise the standards when it comes to finding a good match. Those standards might or might not be co-extensive with the standards you're referring to in your post.

 

I don't know how to do that. It's just not something I force. I just find myself attracted to these really top top top guys. Which end up not being perfect matches for me I guess?

 

I honestly think the most healthy relationship I have is with my classmate - who is my equal and who I don't put on a pedestal. But, on the end of the day, because he's my equal I just can't imagine trading my EX for this guy who is not as good as him. Does it make any rational sense?

[justagirl2]

One example - my boyfriend of 2 years is so closed - as is Z. I've never spoken to him about my mother's mental health issues with borderline/bipolar. Of course with Z not at all. He never spoke to me about the death of his mom. He's just SO closed.

 

With my classmate we talk about everything. His sister is borderline so we talk about that a lot. We really talk and connect in a level that I haven't connected with my ex of 2 years. My ex and I also don't talk about sex. It's a taboo subject. With my classmate we talk about it all the time. It's so weird.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't know how to do that. It's just not something I force. I just find myself attracted to these really top top top guys. Which end up not being perfect matches for me I guess?

 

I honestly think the most healthy relationship I have is with my classmate - who is my equal and who I don't put on a pedestal. But, on the end of the day, because he's my equal I just can't imagine trading my EX for this guy who is not as good as him. Does it make any rational sense?

 

I think you would benefit immensely from doing some self examination to see why you make the mistake of putting anyone on a pedestal. Everyone is your equal. If you decide they aren't, that's just in your head and it would help you to understand why you think like that.

[justagirl2]

I'm attracted to people that have qualities that I don't have. That are different from me. I mean, I'm trying to think why I put them on a pedestal? I feel like with Z, for example, he always says how much he loves how open I am. I think it's just natural that people are attracted by people who have qualities we wish we had?

[Deciduous]

I did feel great chemistry with him until about 4-5 months.

 

I was going to move to another country for my MBA. I had just gotten into every top program I applied to but Harvard. I was feeling very happy and confident with myself, and excited for this new journey. A lot of people doubted me because of my age. I got into these programs at 24 when most of my classmates are around 27-28.

 

Physically, I also had a little inflammation that made sex painful, which started making me not enjoy it.

 

These are really the only 2 things going on.

 

Would you say you no longer felt passion, because you were no longer on an equal footing. You'd successfully advanced and subconsciously felt, perhaps, he wasn't at the same level - which killed your passion. It's hard to get the hots for guy you don't look upto in any way.

 

The inflammation meant you got out of the habit of having sex...which further distanced you.

 

Reading your last post - I was reminded of a article in a psych mag, about Elvis Presley. It was along the lines that his Mother was his first love, yadda, yadda and no other woman could compare - or get in between that. She could not be removed from the position of perfect archtype and the defining authority on womanhood.

 

And therein lay the problem.

 

Other positive qualities in other women were seen as deficient in some way (at a subconscious level) and not quite so admirable. Basically, the highest level they could attain was by being a cheap knock-off version of his Mother. So how could he be happy with that.

 

No woman could beat that bond, which impacted negatively on all his relationships (and of course being a global sensation with women throwing their underwear at him -but I digress)

 

If your Father is the highest authority with you, the man that all men should emobody, then how can a boyfriend become an important, admired and pivotal figure in your life.

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

One example - my boyfriend of 2 years is so closed - as is Z. I've never spoken to him about my mother's mental health issues with borderline/bipolar. Of course with Z not at all. He never spoke to me about the death of his mom. He's just SO closed.

 

With my classmate we talk about everything. His sister is borderline so we talk about that a lot. We really talk and connect in a level that I haven't connected with my ex of 2 years. My ex and I also don't talk about sex. It's a taboo subject. With my classmate we talk about it all the time. It's so weird.

 

 

In other words, you can be your true self around this person. It seems to me you only look at guys who resemble your Father in some way, in values, beliefs and status - or - in personality, positive traits and characteristics (and then they come up short).

 

Yet have you thought, that they might not be the right personality match for you.

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

I admire my dad a lot, he's amazing. He is one of the most successful business man in my city which is one of the largest cities in my country. But was also the best father ever. My mom was not able to be a mother because of her illness, and my dad was always there for me despite growing his business from zero on his own. He is an amazing man.

 

But my dad has some qualities that I don't like - he has a bad temper for example. My bf, on the other hand, would NEVER raise his voice to anyone. He is the sweetest person, most polite person I know. So I can actually look at my bf and see ways in which he is better than my dad, you know? Maybe that's not my problem.

 

And I can't be my true person around the bf because he is SOOOO sensitive. He literally cannot talk about cancer (his mom died of cancer). He cannot talk about mental illness. He cannot watch movies with surgeries or sad things happening. He's SO sensitive. He just shuts me out when I want to talk about something more serious. He doesn't like discussing these things. I, on the other hand, am VERY open and really like to talk about EVERYTHING - the good and the bad.

 

Also, I don't think I ever felt better than the bf because he is in a very prestigious career. For example, he is applying to school now, same school as I did, and I am almost 100% he is going to get into Harvard - and they didn't even interview me. So I knew his timing was just different and he had advanced in his career without the need to go to school. Z will also get into Harvard no problem. His family is legacy there so that's not even a question. So for me is like, ok, my classmate and I go to the 2nd best school, but these other two guys are going to go to the top one.

[Deciduous]

Hi Justa,

 

Do you see what I'm saying. These top top guys are similar to your Father in terms of status and goals. Thier personal values are very reminiscent of your Father, which initially attracts you.

 

But at an emotional, mental, spiritual and physical level they are not connecting with the real you. The real you needs something else.

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

In other words you would have no problem introducing Z to your Father. And I'm sure you had little problem introducing him to your Ex. But you'd have some reservations about introducing Loud-Latin guy.

 

At the back of your mind, you are choosing with your Father's values in mind. This means you never connect with your own values, your own beliefs and more importantly - your own needs and requirements!

 

I think this is why your two previous relationships failed. The two gentlemen weren't actually your choice. The real you, I mean. They were choosen through the lens of your Father's values.

 

Eventally those relationships, (plus the potential one with Z) were going to fail for the very reasons you stated in #134

 

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

That's very true. My father is IN LOVE with my bf. And he was in love with my bf #1. I remember him telling me: "M, you are looking for someone that doesn't exist, you won't find anyone better than G (my first bf). He is better than you". I mean he didn't use the he's better than you, but I REALLY think he implied that. He never likes my sister's bfs. He always loves my bfs. That is very true.

 

But, I find these guys attractive too.

 

And yeah, I def. think my dad would not love Mr. Latin. But at this point, he trusts my choices too, so I doubt he'd make a big deal out of it.

[justagirl2]

BTW - This is also very true that these guys are like my father. My father is also the shy, quiet type. Does not open up at all.

 

But, he's very different in terms of personality - my bf is VERY well-mannered and have a very good temper. My dad can get very mean when things don't go his way. So they are different in that regards. I don't know about Z because I've never seen what he's like in tense moments.

[justagirl2]

I have a very close relationship to my dad we talk everyday. This actually can be the source of all my problems?

[Batya33]

I don't know how to do that. It's just not something I force. I just find myself attracted to these really top top top guys. Which end up not being perfect matches for me I guess?

 

I honestly think the most healthy relationship I have is with my classmate - who is my equal and who I don't put on a pedestal. But, on the end of the day, because he's my equal I just can't imagine trading my EX for this guy who is not as good as him. Does it make any rational sense?

 

It makes sense when you think of people like commodities -like a group of attributes -as opposed to whether you actually like and feel good about yourself around the person. I can relate in this way -if I had a choice of two men, one who wanted marriage and family generally and one who didn't or was really unsure I would definitely pursue no. 1 and not no. 2 because of goal compatibility. It depends how you define "as good as him".

 

I had a friend who, 20 years ago met two guys at the same time - one was an attorney from an affluent family (I set her up with him) and the other was a younger guy (he was 22 to her 27) who still lived at home, was not grad school material, and was underemployed. She and attorney had lots in common -similar senses of humor, he was really down to earth -they went out two or three times and he only called her once a week or so because he didn't want to overwhelm her. Young Guy was all over her- calling all the time, wanting to hang out with her all the time. Within a month she had fallen for guy no. 2 -she said, quietly to me -that she really felt like she was falling for him. She knew rationally that attorney could give her a better lifestyle but she felt so good and comfy with guy no. 2. They've been married almost 18 years. While it's not a perfect marriage I don't think she ever regretted not going for someone "better" than him in the way you described. And her father, who had passed away, was her hero just like yours is to you -so she had high standards in that way as well.

[Deciduous]

That's very true. My father is IN LOVE with my bf. And he was in love with my bf #1. I remember him telling me: "M, you are looking for someone that doesn't exist, you won't find anyone better than G (my first bf). He is better than you". I mean he didn't use the he's better than you, but I REALLY think he implied that. He never likes my sister's bfs. He always loves my bfs. That is very true.

 

But, I find these guys attractive too.

 

And yeah, I def. think my dad would not love Mr. Latin. But at this point, he trusts my choices too, so I doubt he'd make a big deal out of it.

 

So where do you go from here? How do you make relationship choices from here? I think that these questions are part of a larger, but key conversation with yourself, and may take a longer period of reflection.

[justagirl2]

Batya - I don't see myself not going for a guy like these guys. I don't know what is it about them. I like them. I'm attracted to that quiet, hard working type.

 

I mean it's not even that this Latin guy is not smart - come on, 2 of our professors just won the Nobel for economics last week. Our school is very hard and prestigious. But it's also his loud personality. He drinks a lot. Jokes around a lot. He's very open. He got in a fight the other day. When would Z and my bf get in a fight?

 

I just.. admire the quiet, focused ones more. I mean, just the fact that he got in a fight... he is 30 years old. I can't get onboard with that.

 

Z is 25 years old and I find him at least 20x more mature than Mr. Latin.

 

But I feel like the Latin gets me in a way that these other 2 guys never would. And he kind of puts me on a pedestal. Which is nice for a change. haha.

 

I feel like it's pretty obvious what I have to do.

 

STAY SINGLE. DATE AROUND. DATE LATIN. TALK TO Z. LIVE LIFE.

 

It's just not an easy decision for me as it should be. I'm terrified that the bf will move on and I will regret it like I once did.

[justagirl2]

I had an interesting convo with Latin because I told him I'm not attracted to guys who gets into bar fights. And he half jokingly said that girls always say they don't but deep down they like a guy who would fight to protect them. No, I genuinely would not like that. Lol. I must be weird but these things do not attract me AT ALL. The quiet guy on the corner attracts me!

 

I think one positive thing that I have is that I KNOW what I deserve. I have that self aware. I know I'm a great girl, I have a great family and I deserve a great guy who will treat me right. I think that is already something that puts me in the right direction. You just won't see me falling for bad boys. I look around and see what girls my age are putting up with... and I get really worried for them. Funny thing is sometimes there are happier with their broken guys than I am with my perfect ones.

[justagirl2]

BTW - Ultimate test with Z. Today we talked. He thinks I'm going to be in my home country (where he lives) this weekend and has been alluding to it. I'm not going this week - maybe next but I'm trying not to go at all because I feel like I haven't made up my mind about the guys yet so I can't go.

 

So he is being passive as always asking when I get in etc... but is unable to be a MAN and say: look, what day do you get in, I want to see you. So I just asked what are we doing if I do make it home in the weekend. Let's see his reply. Honestly sometimes I do really think it's not lack of interest... but lack of freaking balls. I do think I intimidate him a little though. He has so many issues expressing himself it's like grow up kid. I'm suspecting he's going to wait until tomorrow to reply since it's 10pm where he lives and he needs to go to bed. But let's see how assertive he is about seeing me.

 

I have to resolve this issue because I need to go to the doctor and see my family and I'm avoiding my home country because of these 2 guys. This is crazy. I need to make a decision.

[justagirl2]

This is so cute. I'm the worse person with Finance ever. It's my worse subject. My ex and Z all work with finance and are brilliant at it.

 

Latin just texted me: "Hey. Need help with PE (our private equity class). I don't understand the templates he gave us. Could you help me?"

 

Nobody in this school would ever ask me for help, let alone in a very hard finance class. A lot of people judge my best friend and I here, because we are blonde and put together. I think it's very, very nice that he actually asks me for help. Nobody else ever does. Granted, I cannot help him at all because I also do not understand the assignment. hahaha

[justagirl2]

Z on the other hand has been online a few times and still didn't reply to my simple question. Does he likes playing games? If he is rude or not VERY appreciative and open about hanging out I'm going to say something to him. He better be VERY VERY open and have a plan for us. If not, well, I'm done putting up with him.

 

Update: He just said that yes of course we'll hangout and the plans are to do something fun.

[justagirl2]

So now my relationship with Latin keeps growing. He wants to hangout tomorrow and go see a movie. I will do that. I am single, I can out to a movie with a friend. By the end of the weekend I will make a decision be single - pursue Latin - or get back together and give my bf chance.

 

Did you notice someone out of the equation? Z

 

Z is simply... ON HIS OWN. It's not our time right now. He has to figure where he's going to live. Going home to see Z once won't change anything. We need a more longterm plan for Z.

[justagirl2]

This is where my head is at today:

 

1) I'm going to my hometown and going to see T (the bf). Talk things over and see if we see the relationship working with more 2 years of long distance. See what is on his mind. See if he still wants to be with my after this time apart. See how I feel. Decide if I should give this one more go or not.

 

2) NOT see Z. This is the most painful decision but I just do NOT see a point of seeing Z. Ok, I go out with him on a date again and we kiss and I'm smitten and then I come back to school and it's the same as always? He's passive, indecisive, same old. Why go through that?

 

3) Latin and I are just friends don't see a point in pursuing that any further.

 

Do I think this is the perfect choice? Definitely not. But after evaluating my current emotional state, it is the best choice for me RIGHT NOW. It might be selfish to the BF considering no, I am not 100% certain I want to be with him forever. At this point tough, I am not 100% sure I don't want to be with him either. I am going to try to be as honest as possible with my intentions.

 

The decision came after being very honest with myself and realizing that the ONLY reason I would be willing to part ways with T for good right now would be because of Z. Because of my past with my first bf, I am NOT secure letting this relationship go. If Z did not exist in my life, I would be 100% willing to give the relationship another go. Would I be in love and crazy about him? Probably not but I would be willing to give it another shot and work on things. I just feel like Z cannot and should not be the sole reason of me ending things for good with somebody that I'm NOT ready to let go for whatever reasons (maybe selfish, I can admit that).

 

This is not an easy decision but after a period of self reflection is what I'm ready to do RIGHT NOW.

[Batya33]

It's very easy especially in our world of psychobabble when it comes to relationships to say "work on things" but are you clear with yourself what "things" and how you would go about "working" on those things? I'll give you an example. I need to work on reminding myself to be as giving as possible to my husband who is going through a terrible family tragedy (his family) and I need to do the reminding because as a result of this tragedy I have so much more work and responsibility on the parenting front that it's overwhelming sometimes. I "work" on this by lots of self-talk, by being an even better listener (and specifically -maintaining eye contact and never looking at the computer or TV if he wants to talk, however trivial), and by being very careful with my reactions to the situation and the ramifications of it.

I also need to work on the temptation to be critical instead of complimentary. Again, this means really focusing on thinking more before I speak, recognizing in advance when I'm cranky and more prone to be critical, and literally keeping my mouth shut when I'm at a point where whatever comes out likely will be negative.

 

And that's how specific I think you need to be -don't indulge in the temptation of a vague "I'm going to work on things" to rationalize not being alone. Been there done that -waste of time and unfair to the other person.

[justagirl2]

Ok guys so I decided NOT to go to my hometown. First of all, I feel like I was trying to resolve my romantic life by either getting back with my bf or seeing Z. I'm in the middle of recruiting at school and I really need to focus on myself at the moment. Yes, my ex might never get back together with me if I don't go see him but then that's life, right? I got to take the risk. I mean if we are meant to be, I don't think going there to try to patch things up this week or in 2 months will make much of a difference. In fact, I think the best thing to do now is to not act impulsively towards him because I am feeling like he is my security blanket. So yes, NOT going home and going to have to tell him all this that I can't go right now and that we got to keep going our separate ways for now. It really feels like the correct thing to do.

 

In more news, I ended up making out with my classmate this weekend. Well, it just had been building up towards this for the past month and to be honest, if I'm a single women, I don't see the big deal of kissing a guy. I think I was still feeling like it was either Z or my ex, like I wasn't a single women. The truth is, I'm single and I can date other people and see how things go. This is the second guy (after Z) I've kissed since the break and it's a little scary because it makes me realize that I am, indeed, letting go of the security blanket for now. Funny thing is since my ex knows I was going home and we were going to talk I feel like I'm almost cheating on him. So I can't wait to have the talk and let him know that I'm not going to be able to make the trip. I'm probably going to talk to him on Monday.

 

I def. still don't have strong feelings for Mr. Latin but I do like him. We have a really genuine relationship and I like that. Like I said, we are equals and it feels good to NOT put someone on a pedestal for a while. I don't know if this is going to turn into something more at all. I think at this point it can be more likely that I realize I miss my ex and go see him once school is over and get back with him but like I said, right now living a little seems like the right thing to do. It's weird because I know I'm not in love with my ex but the fact of keeping the distance and living and dating other people scares the living crap out of me. I know that he might as well move on and that is just so scary. But, again, I got to live life and be honest with myself and my feelings.

 

Z is so far fetched right now that I'm not even putting him in the equation. He did tell me today that he WAS planning to see me and that "we" have to figure out the dates that he's going to be moving back to the US either on Monday or Tuesday to plan a date. Well, I'll believe it when the date is set. It's going to be easier to let him know I'm not going because we talk everyday and he knows how tied up I am with recruiting. Plus, if he cares about seeing me, he can come visit.