Wife wants a divorce

[Tanzi]

From the moment I started reading this thread things just didn't seem to add up. Social Services just do NOT get involved at this level unless there is reasonable cause to do so. Your posts, John, are so matter-of-fact, that they mask the seriousness of what is actually going on here.

 

Time and time again the issue of you being controlling has come up and that doesn't come from nowhere. There has to be a whole lot more to this story.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but it seems that both you and your wife lack the basic skills required to provide your children with a healthy environment. The Social Services are obviously willing to help but they do need to be in FULL possession of all the facts otherwise their help becomes futile if they aren't addressing ALL the problems.

 

I completely agree with iamkaylee and waffle ... this has to be less about you getting your wife back at this moment in time and more about learning the basic skills and HELP to look after your children.

 

Your children MUST come first.

[John Mitchell]

This isn't about giving a kid an apple between meals. And it isn't about completing classes. It's about rectifying what appears to be a very bad situation, and moving forward. John Mitchell, I think another poster mentioned this but I'll repeat it--you need to figure out what your goals are here. If your goals are to complete some mandated classes in order to get your kids' mother to come back to you, then this whole thing is for naught.

 

 

Right my goals are as follows attend the courses set out for me by social services and attend counseling at my own will and also try to get more help with daily life and food routines etc etc, in regards to my wife i plan to try and reconcile with her and attend marriage counselling [if she will] so we can work through our issues both about the kids and ourselves.

[avman]

So John I've read through this whole thread with interest. While I'm not familiar with the specific rules and regulations on how this works in the UK, the basic principles are the same in the US. And you are in a world of trouble right now whether you realize it or not.

 

I spend a lot of time with the child protective services system here in the US. Based on what you have described they have you pegged for someone who is abusive and neglectful. Thats why your visitation is supervised and they have told your wife to stay away from you if she wants to keep the kids. They've given her an ultimatum that if she "fails to protect" the children from you then she's responsible for creating a dangerous situation and social services will then act accordingly.

 

A case that gets to this point is serious. Social services doesn't dedicate the resources to a situation on this scale unless they have some pretty compelling information and evidence that the children are at risk. So right now you are in what is called the "reunification" step in their process. Social services is trying to see if they provide you with the resources whether you can change and no longer be a risk to the children. You must show demonstratable proof that you have actually changed your ways. Simply attending a class or reading some books isn't enough. You have to show real change in your behavior that will hold true for the long term. If you don't, they can terminate your rights as a parent.

 

Many members here have given you very good advice. Your answers do seem a bit flippant and you seem to lack understanding of how serious this really is. I see this often with the families who get into the system and by the time they realize that they should have been taking everything a lot more seriously it is too late. I ask them if they have taken their classes and I get answers like "I was too busy" or "Other things came up". I ask if they've visited their children and I get "Well nobody called me" or "I couldn't get a ride". When I hear things like this I make the assumption that their children are a lot lower priority then everything else. And that can be the kiss of death when it comes time to decide whether to terminate their rights or not. I've heard some similar things from you in this thread so you're not heading down a good path here. You must turn it around and make your focus 100% about your children.

 

When your social worker asked you to do something you do it. If you don't understand something ask the question. Don't just say "Why do I have to do this?" - ask them "Ok please help me understand what I must change and how this class will help me do it". Ask them "How can I be a better parent?". Ask them "What do you want to see from me so that we can move past all this and I can be back with my children?". And ASK them about visitation. If you haven't had it ask why. Ask when you can be with the kids. Ask if you can see them more often then whatever the schedule is. FOCUS on the children and your relationship with them.

 

I really want you to understand the situation you are in. This isn't about the relationship with your wife any longer. This is the fight of your life to preserve your relationship with your children.

[John Mitchell]

Im going to be honest that was alot to read so im having trouble processing it but ive started to show Social services how i really am

[avman]

Im going to be honest that was alot to read so im having trouble processing it but ive started to show Social services how i really am

 

I know it is. It's a lot to take in. And if you have trouble understanding things sometimes then DEFINITELY tell social services that you don't always understand. They should take that into account when providing you services.

[John Mitchell]

I know it is. It's a lot to take in. And if you have trouble understanding things sometimes then DEFINITELY tell social services that you don't always understand. They should take that into account when providing you services.

 

They were meant to call today but they didn't =/ so ill ring them tomorrow after the doctors. do you have a way for me to contact you as i think i can put things in better words if i do it at once.

[iamkaylee]

avman, thank you for weighing in on this thread. I have been hoping you would.

 

John, please listen to him. Read everything he's said a dozen times or more. Whatever it takes for it to really sink in and do it. Believe me when I tell you this, there is nothing worse than losing a child. Nothing. To have them taken from you because you failed them. It's not something you want to have to live with.

[John Mitchell]

avman, thank you for weighing in on this thread. I have been hoping you would.

 

John, please listen to him. Read everything he's said a dozen times or more. Whatever it takes for it to really sink in and do it. Believe me when I tell you this, there is nothing worse than losing a child. Nothing. To have them taken from you because you failed them. It's not something you want to have to live with.

 

So guys the autism tests have come back negative and it turns out its Anxiety which seems more likely anyway also Avman the anxiety would also explain the Tia symptoms i had , i found two courses that directly deal with the issues that Social services have said i have with the kids and i have also pushed my GP to get my Counseling started this week coming.

[agent1607307371]

Hi John, absolutely pay attention to what avman is telling you. He's incredibly knowledgable about this.

[Cheetarah]

John, how are things going?

[John Mitchell]

John, how are things going?

 

For lack of a better way, .

 

my wife is coming up with a load of lies and trying to get it so social services wont let me see the kids.

[Tinkie9901]

Are you still attending the mandated courses and following the advice of social services?

[waffle]

I would just reiterate this:

You must show demonstratable proof that you have actually changed your ways. Simply attending a class or reading some books isn't enough. You have to show real change in your behavior that will hold true for the long term.

There seems to be a lot of focus in this thread on doing what's required to satisfy social services. If that's the OP's goal, to go through the motions to satisfy social services, then he will fail. As Dr. Phil always says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." When the OP says "I found two courses that directly deal with the issues that Social services have said i have with the kids" this indicates he has taken no ownership of the situation and is intent on being convincing, not making a true change.

 

I hope I'm wrong. These kids deserve better.

[Cheetarah]

I would just reiterate this:

 

There seems to be a lot of focus in this thread on doing what's required to satisfy social services. If that's the OP's goal, to go through the motions to satisfy social services, then he will fail. As Dr. Phil always says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." When the OP says "I found two courses that directly deal with the issues that Social services have said i have with the kids" this indicates he has taken no ownership of the situation and is intent on being convincing, not making a true change.

 

I hope I'm wrong. These kids deserve better.

 

Well, let's look at it this way. OP is already in denial. If he goes to his courses, signs up for therapy, anger management courses, whatever the case may be - Yeah, he can still blah blah blah through it all, but at least he stands a CHANCE at accountability and ownership. In a setting like that it becomes harder to turn a blind eye. If he does nothing, nothing happens.

 

If you read back, there's a lot of focus on him absolutely needing to be accountable. Maybe not here, but somewhere.