Wife wants a divorce

[waffle]

My partner kicked me out last Tuesday and has said to friends that she wants a divorce and hasn't been happy for awhile . . . what are the chances that i can save this relationship . . . would a big romantic gesture work flowers suits dinner the whole nine yards?

 

No, I think it's safe to say you're well beyond that. This doesn't sound like a good situation at all . . . I've known of many a man who was controlling but things didn't escalate to this level. There's obviously more going on here but that's your business, you mentioned you were getting counseling (I think?) so hopefully that continues and things work out for the best.

[John Mitchell]

Post 41, the OP states that the issues were old with the older child. The milk things I SORT OF get. Many babies have a milk allergy (my nieces and nephews all had this) that causes digestive issues. BUT I find it bizarre that they waited until the child was three (and only after CPS said something to them) to re-introduced into his diet.

 

Everything else seems very weird.

 

We had to wait for a dietitian appointment and we requested one back in august of 2012 but only got one as i said about a week before the conference, she gave us a six step introduction plan to introduce milk into his diet.

[John Mitchell]

You'll notice a trend on this site if you haven't already. People like to blame being dumped on their ex being "bipolar" and as such there is a lot of "self proclaimed experts" on mental disorders running around here. The mods, and long time posters like myself" usually try to nip it in the bud early.

 

Oh sure, I have seen it. And I don't think it's all that strange to speculate a little(i do stress a little). Pretty common, cognitive dissonance and all that post break up. Or even just some really confusing toxic stuff that goes on that someone wants to slap a name on.

 

I don't think I've ever seen it to that degree, though. Usually it's brought up, poster is redirected, all is well in the world. But...that was just downright horrifying. Especially considering this op had the awareness to say he was just trying to make her out to be nuts because he couldn't accept it(not much else made sense, but that did...heh).

 

As i said i was out of sorts and people have indulged me so it got out of hand but i never told them about this thread because it was me trying to get everything sorted in my own head and i must admit it took me a few days to realize i was the problem but thats not what im here for i know that it got out of hand.

[John Mitchell]

No, I think it's safe to say you're well beyond that. This doesn't sound like a good situation at all . . . I've known of many a man who was controlling but things didn't escalate to this level. There's obviously more going on here but that's your business, you mentioned you were getting counseling (I think?) so hopefully that continues and things work out for the best.

 

Right ill try to get everything sorted out so that this all makes abit more sense to everyone and ill start with last july.

 

Last july i got kicked out for a week as me and her argued to a point the police got called (pregnancy was very stressful for us both ), after four days we started to talk and meet up and within nine days i was back in the family home and everything was good again, everything went along pretty much as normal our second son was born in may and we had alot of late nights and random wake ups but nothing really between me and my partner except that week, then it got to November we went to her favorite band and the main singer tried to sleep with her and when she refused he got nasty which caused me to get annoyed and then have it out for him (dahvie BOTDF) needless to say she didn't like them anymore after that.

 

Decemeber went along fine we finally got a house we could afford and was able to move out in January so we had Christmas in the little one bedroom flat we had at the time, so we moved in started to get everything sorted, made a few new friends who then started rumors about us so we cut them from our lives, we had a few arguments about stupid stuff, it then got to march and we had my birthday she bought me a cake and did it all up for me and got me a touch screen monitor for me and the boys to mess around with, then it got to may and social services knocked on the door and asked to come in they said about the bruise and then asked for the kids to stay with someone for a night, my partner was upset to the point of breaking down so we did the interviews at the police station and when we got home i comforted her and made sure she ate something to get her mind of it as it was killing us both being away for one night, so the next day we went to the hospital for a medical of both boys, they asked about the bruise and the small cut on our oldest foot and then just commented on the bit of nappy rash our youngest had, the social worker then said he would attend the team around the family for a few sessions, the first team around the family he said he was taking it up a step to children in need something he hadnt mentioned it seemed to the other members even after the meeting before it, so again me and my partner started to panic i tried to keep a level mind but when they started coming round i couldnt help being abit defensive, before we could attend any child in need meetings we had switched over to a new social worker who then informed us that her duty manager ( i think ld be area manager) wanted to take it to a conference so time passed we tried our best to be polite and open to the social worker, i started to weigh our oldest myself between weigh ins as he was afraid of scales so i tried to make it fun, when it got to the conference they brought two new reports that we hadnt seen, some of the stuff that was in the reports was:

-Oldest child percentile had dropped

-there was no evidence to support a milk allergy

-that i failed to complete incredible years

-that we were restricting food to our oldest

-that we didnt attend local groups

-that i may not be the father of our oldest

 

so as i said about the weight lose he has milk and egg and a few other allergy's which we have tried to deal with the best we could up till we got a dietitian appointment who confirmed it was due to the allergy's something they didn't want to hear in the conference along with a letter saying about his allergy's from one of our doctors, i had completed incredible year along side my partner and with a few extra lessons that i requested for myself outside of hours, our oldest was on six meals a day that's three main meals and three smaller snacks that was our way of trying to boost his calories as for the groups there arnt any really for dads and my partner said that she felt they we very click and she thought that was talking about her behind her back but we both agreed at the end of the meeting that we would attend any class' or groups that they wanted and that our oldest would continue on the new diet the dietitian had given us along side monthly ( or every two months cant remember properly) weigh ins so we agreed to it all including a controlling partner group for me, so we got to my mums as we was house sitting for a few days because of the conference and i got upset and told my partner to get out of my mums house so she started packing and i realized that i had just been a massive idiot and said sorry and asked her not to leave so she didn't and she comforted me and reassured me that our oldest would always be my son and he would never find out if i wasn't as i was on the floor crying about it she also said she wasn't going to leave me just because we have a few issues, so Friday i pack our stuff up take it back to the house and make the kids a bench as a surprise i also started changing some stuff that bugged her so when they came home ( they had gone to a petting zoo for the day) it would be nice for them, so Saturday went fine i started to paint the kids room and had a cuddle with my partner the usual, then Sunday came and she made a mini roast something i look forward to, i ended up having ago at her about the veggies (did sit her down afterwards an say that it was wrong of me to start about something so stupid and that i love her cooking) anyway we are eating our dinner and she jumps out of her chair an grabs her wedding ring ( its a size to big -_-) and slid it on looking really happy she had found it as she had lost it the night before, so Monday comes and we end up having sex on the sofa but don't get to finish as our friend comes round to take us to B&Q so we get all jokey bum pinching and random kissing,on the way to b&q we start talking about when we go on ESA she wants to get a land rover as it is one of her dream cars, at b&q we end up almost ordering a £4000 kitchen on credit but she said that it would be best to have it measured first so we arrange that, on the way home we started talking about moving to Australia and how i would handle the heat there ( i suffer from heat frustration ) to which i replied since its hot all year round i would be able to deal with it, later that night she shows me the dress' for our renewal next year and said she wants a pagan ceremony in the woods as she doesn't like church weddings i agreed to it all as its her wedding, we also talked about our little girl and i said i wanted to try for her soon but my partner said with social services we best leave it awhile till our youngest had started school so things have calmed down and we can handle her so i agreed, now the day she kicked me out she went out with her aunt but before jokingly called me mister stroppy pants as i was cuddling the dog she said i love and gave me a kiss then went out, so i spend the day carry on painting and putting some canvas up so it gets to about 6 at night and she comes back and i start to tell her about my day and how i arranged a surprise night out for Wednesday so she starts saying stop being so nice and that its hard enough as it is, so i told her about all the changes i was trying to make, by eleven that night i was at my mums house, as you know i then started to look for something wrong with her when i should have looked at myself, so i sent her flowers and a card saying that i miss her and the boys and that i understand why she kicked me out, anyway after a few more days i had started counseling and gone to my gp for some more, at this point i hadnt realized my friend had told her i was looking for something wrong with her ( which i had stopped at this point as i was working on myself) so i write her a letter explaining and my mum tried to give it to her but she said she didnt want it and that her friends had told me that she wanted a divorce and that she was thinking about everything but that the looking for something wrong made her mind up,so that brings so to last night and me coming on her for help because i know she's put her barrier up as i hurt her but she refuses to see me as i think she knows that she would let her guard down. oh and she kept the flowers and the card.

[Tinkie9901]

Aside from the fact you had a domestic disturbance that resulted in police intervention, why did Social Services knock on your door and pay a home visit in May? There must have been a prior event that put you on their radar.

[John Mitchell]

Aside from the fact you had a domestic disturbance that resulted in police intervention, why did Social Services knock on your door and pay a home visit in May? There must have been a prior event that put you on their radar.

 

It was because of the bruise on our sons face ill qoute the report the best i can "Caller reported a gag sized bruise on the oldest face, when asked if caller thought it had been caused by a gag the caller reported they dont see how it could have" and with the police intervention last year they sent a social worker out and she said we were both capable parents and that i showed remorse for the domestic incident and was a good dad.

[Cheetarah]

What is a gag size bruise?

 

Did you hit your wife or kids, at any point?

[John Mitchell]

What is a gag size bruise?

 

Did you hit your wife or kids, at any point?

 

To be honest i dont know its just what it said in the report, i have never hit my kids but me and my wife have had a incident as i stated before it wasn't anything big by that i mean it lasted about 2 minutes the police arrived and that was it no more fighting like that we had a few small arguments but nothing like that just little spats.

[Cheetarah]

You said it was an argument, you didn't state there was a physical altercation. So what happened there? If you leave out things how can we suggest anything to you?

[John Mitchell]

You said it was an argument, you didn't state there was a physical altercation. So what happened there? If you leave out things how can we suggest anything to you?

 

We started shouting at each other so i said i was taking the kids down the park so she could calm down and she thought i was trying to run away with them and started hitting me so i defended myself as i had our youngest in my arms at the time, the police arrived i was taken away for the night and asked to stay away for a week, four days later my partner contacted me saying she missed me and such so we meet up and that was it, there was no record or anything just that week away i was asked to take anti depressations as it was decided i didn't have a anger problem, i took them for awhile but they made things worse as they stopped me and my partner having sex, along with them i was told techniques to use if things got heated again but thankfully ive never had to use them as that was the only time that happened, i hope thats clear enough

[Cheetarah]

Okay. And one more thing, I asked earlier - You said in your other thread that social services said you were to have supervised visitation - Why?

[John Mitchell]

Okay. And one more thing, I asked earlier - You said in your other thread that social services said you were to have supervised visitation - Why?

 

I don't know, they haven't told me that themselves, im guessing they are taking their time with me.

[Cheetarah]

Ok, John. I think you have to call your caseworker ASAP. I am not sure what to say here, but there is a member I hope comes on this thread and maybe he can offer you more help in that department.

[John Mitchell]

Ok, John. I think you have to call your caseworker ASAP. I am not sure what to say here, but there is a member I hope comes on this thread and maybe he can offer you more help in that department.

 

Oh whos that ? and im going to ring tomorrow morning but the social worker doing our case is busy for two weeks. also can i get some advice on what to do with my partner as she hasn't even shown a tiny bit of sadness over whats happened so either she never loved me which i would doubt or she isn't processing whats happening yet

[Cheetarah]

I think it would be very unwise to attempt any kind of reconciliation right now. You really need to speak to your caseworker first. Talk to someone. If your wife was legitimately given that ultimatum, then you need to step away completely from her and do what you need to do to reestablish a relationship with your children in the way that the system allows you to.

 

You seem more hung up on her than your children. If it were me in her position and I was handed that ultimatum I'd walk away and never look back.

[John Mitchell]

I think it would be very unwise to attempt any kind of reconciliation right now. You really need to speak to your caseworker first. Talk to someone. If your wife was legitimately given that ultimatum, then you need to step away completely from her and do what you need to do to reestablish a relationship with your children in the way that the system allows you to.

 

You seem more hung up on her than your children. If it were me in her position and I was handed that ultimatum I'd walk away and never look back.

 

i know they are being looked after well and i will do everything in my power to see them so caseworker is tomorrow then and i would do the same but i wouldn't let it completely destroy the marriage

[Cheetarah]

If CPS is saying she needs to separate from you, then she has to do it. If she questions and hems and haws, they are going to remove the children.

 

If it were me, again - I wouldn't even look at you. I'd be putting the children's safety and well-being as top priority. I don't know what you are expecting of her.

[John Mitchell]

If CPS is saying she needs to separate from you, then she has to do it. If she questions and hems and haws, they are going to remove the children.

 

If it were me, again - I wouldn't even look at you. I'd be putting the children's safety and well-being as top priority. I don't know what you are expecting of her.

 

To be honest i dont know, so if i can get child services to change there mind about me and actually see the person i am i could possibly sort everything out ?

[Cheetarah]

They've been investigating for 4 months. They have concluded you are controlling and withhold food from the oldest. And there was a gag style bruise(I'll ask if that was bruising/lesions around the corners of the mouth?). Anything else?

 

If cps says jump, you ask how high. Then you go above and beyond that.

 

Your story is still strange and you have clued us into details that have no relevance. Like pagan ceremonies, what does that have to do with anything? You're vague enough to require people asking for constant clarifications about the pertinent, but you have no problem detailing without any questions how you pinch each other's butts and are saving up for gender selection.

 

If you talk to.cps this way I am not at all surprised they think you're shifty.

[John Mitchell]

They've been investigating for 4 months. They have concluded you are controlling and withhold food from the oldest. And there was a gag style bruise(I'll ask if that was bruising/lesions around the corners of the mouth?). Anything else?

 

If cps says jump, you ask how high. Then you go above and beyond that.

 

Your story is still strange and you have clued us into details that have no relevance. Like pagan ceremonies, what does that have to do with anything? You're vague enough to require people asking for constant clarifications about the pertinent, but you have no problem detailing without any questions how you pinch each other's butts and are saving up for gender selection.

 

If you talk to.cps this way I am not at all surprised they think you're shifty.

 

As i have said i am not controlling when they come round i put up a barrier and come accross like that something im trying to stop, i tend to talk to them as i would to someone ive just meet not to friendly but not fully closed off again something im trying to stop and i have stated our oldest has six meals a day three main and three snacks more then most children would have at his age, the bruise was on his check it wasn't very big and the report said that they couldn't see how it could have been caused by a gag.

 

I thought i better put in some small details but ill try not to do that again just thought it might help to get abit of background details.

[Cheetarah]

A barrier is being defensive. It is not the same as controlling. It is understandable to be nervous when CPS comes sniffing around, but being defensive will set off red flags. And again...defensive is not controlling.

[John Mitchell]

A barrier is being defensive. It is not the same as controlling. It is understandable to be nervous when CPS comes sniffing around, but being defensive will set off red flags. And again...defensive is not controlling.

 

Then i don't know where they got controlling from the only thing i could think of is back when our youngest was born i took over everything (except breast feeding) as my partner was suffering post natal depression and couldnt deal with anything and my partner had more freedom then i did, after i got married my friends didn't want to talk to me so i didn't get out much and as such ended up maintaining the house the best i could and had to take more responsibility for the kids when my partner got depressed.

 

One thing i forgot in the big bit of text is that social services have tried to say i have autism or autist traits but i have had a few test and they say i dont and when we went to the conference i wrote everything i wanted to say in writing so i wouldn't break down mid meeting but i wasn't allowed to use it. sorry i forgot to include that in the long bit.

[Moontiger]

A barrier is being defensive. It is not the same as controlling. It is understandable to be nervous when CPS comes sniffing around, but being defensive will set off red flags. And again...defensive is not controlling.

 

I agree. These are two different things and I doubt an CPS worker would confuse the two. My guess, OP, is that you are controlling but do not realize it. There is something CPS see that you do not see.

[John Mitchell]

I agree. These are two different things and I doubt an CPS worker would confuse the two. My guess, OP, is that you are controlling but do not realize it. There is something CPS see that you do not see.

 

The social worker we have has only seen me 6 times and most didn't even last 10 minutes so i think she must be going on whats written down, but as i have said i am working with them but they take so long to do anything so ive been getting stuff done for myself which i think they would want not to wait round for them to get stuff done but to help myself.

[waffle]

Well, I clearly live in a different part of the world than the OP so my comments may not apply universally . . . however . . .

 

Being controlling is not against the law. Lots and lots and lots of people are controlling and the authorities are not contacted. Shoot, my xH was the very definition of controlling in many areas i.e. I (willingly) gave him my paycheck and I was never allowed to have one penny for anything, ever. Right down to the grocery shopping because he wanted to make sure he had control of every single cent that came in and went out of this house. Another example, he would be out in the yard and perhaps trip over something in the grass that the kids left there, or he would see something on the deck that he thought I should have taken care of, and he would just lose it and start yelling so all the neighbors could hear (although I think he was more intent on making sure *I* heard it because that's how he liked to bully me) about how I was a g*d damn f*ck*ng lazy b**ch who couldn't do anything blah blah blah and I grew to hate that abusive b*st*rd more than I've hated anyone or anything in my whole life, but you know what? When I started exploring divorce options and gathering evidence should I need it in case of the divorce going to court, I was told that there is absolutely no law against any of this and my choices were to: 1) stay and find a way to accept it, or 2) if this was unacceptable, to move out and pursue a divorce if it was financially possible. I of course opted for a version of the second option, but having him investigated--as bad as the situation was--was not on that list being that no laws were broken. It was agreed that my xH's treatment of me was extremely inappropriate and was labeled as abusive and controlling (even towards the kids near the end, which is what really spurred me to take action) but no legal recourse or investigation was appropriate.

 

Your situation sounds a step or two beyond that. This is not about being controlling. John Mitchell, we might as well just call this what it is: you are being investigated for child abuse and neglect, which are both crimes. No one here could guess if you are guilty of that or not, but it sounds as if CPS has a very strong case against you. Buying your partner/wife (??? Not clear if you are legally married or not) flowers and cards in an attempt to entice her to come back to you should be the very last thing on your agenda right now. You need to get your act together and either make an honest effort to clear your name or own up to your role in what's going on here, whichever is the appropriate option, and leave your soon-to-be-ex alone until this gets resolved. It would be extremely irresponsible for her to even give you the time of day right now, although she doesn't exactly sound blameless (the oldest kid might not be yours? Really?). You both sound young and you have every chance to turn this around and get your lives straightened out, but you're both going to have to be completely honest with yourselves and each other first.