Wife wants a divorce

[John Mitchell]

First off thank you, your the first person to say that im not being controlling and im happy someone did, I think it was in my last post i said instead of waiting around for social services to get everything sorted ive started to do it for myself as i want to show them i am changing for the better and that i can do it myself but accept their help and advice during the process .

[Cheetarah]

Being told that this is not about being controlling but being investigated for abuse and neglect is not a compliment, John. Oh...jeez.

 

Let us know what happens when you get ahold of your caseworker.

[John Mitchell]

Being told that this is not about being controlling but being investigated for abuse and neglect is not a compliment, John. Oh...jeez.

 

Let us know what happens when you get ahold of your caseworker.

 

i didnt take it as one i just felt i should say thank you for saying im not and ill update you as soon as i can

[Tinkie9901]

John it very much seems like you chose to only acknowledge what supports your belief that there is no fault in your behaviour. Waffle may have pointed out that you are not being investigated for being controlling, she did however point out that what is most likely caused CPS to become involved is reasonable suspicion of child abuse and neglect. The only resolution to that is convincing CPS that there was either no grounds for that suspicion, or that you have addressed your behaviour so it is no longer a risk to the children. Buying cards and presents for your wife and trying to win her back is going to have no affect on CPS, and it sounds like your wife wants her kids (rightly so), and will do whatever CPS asks to keep them, including removing you from the home. Regardless of what you tell posters on this board if you are not 100% honest with yourself, and any counsellor you see, about your issues you will not get them resolved.

 

Call your caseworker and do whatever needs to be done to regain unsupervised access to your children. Worry about any chances of reconciliation later.

[John Mitchell]

Right abit of a update but not much, my case worker is giving me a call back, i found the parenting course im meant to be attending but my partner is still down as attending and i have said that because she wont speak or see me it may make it difficult but ill update you abit more once ive had a call back

[John Mitchell]

Hay guys right i got a call from my case worker [family support team officer] she is going to get back with me on Wednesday with details on the course but its called community domestic abuse program which lasts 7 weeks also because my partner is at the incredible years course i asked if there was any other courses that are the same as i want to get started and she said that its fine saying it but i have to evident it and show that im changing

[Cheetarah]

Why do you need to take that particular course?

 

And what did you find out about visitation with your kids? Are you required to have supervised visits?

[John Mitchell]

Why do you need to take that particular course?

 

And what did you find out about visitation with your kids? Are you required to have supervised visits?

 

They didn't mention it all but they did say that i was the concern because i was controlling my partner and i was to strict on our oldest child, because of the controllin relationship i have with my partner.

[Cheetarah]

Why didn't you mention it? They're your children, John. Do you have restrictions?

 

There's clearly stuff you haven't told us here. I don't know what it is and I'm not going to ask anymore, but I hope you are honest with yourself and in this program.

[John Mitchell]

Why didn't you mention it? They're your children, John. Do you have restrictions?

 

There's clearly stuff you haven't told us here. I don't know what it is and I'm not going to ask anymore, but I hope you are honest with yourself and in this program.

 

i started crying down the phone so the social worker got abit nervous and made up a excuse but ill ask when she calls back tomorrow or Wednesday and theres no restrictions but as i said they think ive been strict and controlling so im not going to push things to much to fast.

[Cheetarah]

It's not about pushing, it's about finding out what exactly you need to do. Remember, you said your wife said there was an ultimatum.

[John Mitchell]

It's not about pushing, it's about finding out what exactly you need to do. Remember, you said your wife said there was an ultimatum.

 

attend and complete both courses thats what they want

[waffle]

attend and complete both courses thats what they want

 

Going through the motions is a start (barely) but you need to take this opportunity to make a REAL change in your life. I hope you're serious about this. Your casual use of smilies and flip comments suggests that you're just interested in doing the bare minimum to get what you want. I assure you this is not fun and games. Accept this help and make a real effort, you'll be better off for it.

[John Mitchell]

Going through the motions is a start (barely) but you need to take this opportunity to make a REAL change in your life. I hope you're serious about this. Your casual use of smilies and flip comments suggests that you're just interested in doing the bare minimum to get what you want. I assure you this is not fun and games. Accept this help and make a real effort, you'll be better off for it.

 

The only reason i used a smiley is because at least i know something now and i am going to make more of a effort then they have even asked of me

[Moontiger]

The only reason i used a smiley is because at least i know something now and i am going to make more of a effort then they have even asked of me

 

If you REALLY want whats best for your kids and want to prove yourself to CPS then you have to do MORE then what they ask. Get yourself into therapy, start reading parenting books, find other classes you can take etc.

link removed

[iamkaylee]

There are some problems that the social workers believe are valid concerns or they would not be conducting an investigation for the past four months.

 

According to what you've posted, child services says:

Someone made an anonymous call to them about the bruise on your oldest child's face

Your oldest is underweight

The youngest has "no problems"

You are controlling and have to attend parenting classes.

Your wife was given the choice between you or the children.

What have they said about your wife's drinking and the fact that she self harms?

 

This is all some pretty serious stuff and none of it is anything to take lightly. You and you wife are both being investigated for child abuse and neglect. Bottom line is they believe you've been beating and starving your kids and abusing your wife. But I have a feeling neither you or your wife is completely innocent in any of this.

[John Mitchell]

If you REALLY want whats best for your kids and want to prove yourself to CPS then you have to do MORE then what they ask. Get yourself into therapy, start reading parenting books, find other classes you can take etc.

 

Theres a book store down by me ill get a few books from there.

[John Mitchell]

So far ive completed my autism questionnaires and had a family member complete the second one which have both been sent off so that takes care of that as im not sure what else i can do on that front unless you can suggest something on that front, i haven't told them about it [drinking and self harm] as you know i tried to find out what was wrong with her and a friend told her and she flipped out at me so i don't want to risk the kids being taken away by telling them or burning any chance of reconcile although i do think she needs to see someone,i asked social services if i could do a one to one controlling partner sessions but they want me on a very specific one but have so far been unable to get hold of the person running it.

 

My wife would call me out if i was doing anything wrong with the kids so.

[Cheetarah]

I thought you made that up to find something wrong with her. So all that is legit, then? And they have you completing a domestic violence program, so they assessed you as at least at risk for whatever reasons. People aren't mandated to do dv programs for fun.

 

And if you two are on the same dysfunctional wavelength, or she is afraid of you(and it seems there is an issue here with how you conduct yourself with her and the 3 year old), then sadly no. She very well may not call you out on anything.

 

Plenty of children are underweight and it's not cause for evaluations. Same with bruises. Toddlers are wobbly little people. It is when the bruises are in certain areas or certain severity that are cause for concern. Evidently there is reason to believe your oldest is having foodwithheld. They came to this conclusion after 4 months of investigation on your family.

 

You have to be 110 honest. Not necessarily to us, but in your programs and to yourself. You have to be honest about those things and make a real effort to rectify them. You have mandated courses? Take some that aren't, too. Dv program? Enroll yourself in one on one counseling, as well. Like I said, they say jump, you ask how high then you go above and beyond.

 

What are your short and long term goals here, John?

[John Mitchell]

If your referring to the drinking and self harm thing then no that was true, They have said they want me to complete it because it deals with controlling partners not for hitting or anything like that, as i said she does call me out on things and i did the same to her if she started to get abit edgy with the children,with the withholding food thing i can explain that to you as ive said before he has six meals a day but social services didn't like that they were at certain times and said that he should be eating constantly basically to which my partner said no because she didn't want to raise him on grazing something i stood by her on and when we introduced a extra snack to help with weight gain i did the same then, i also kept his weight and height because he was scared of scales it was hard to get a accurate reading so i made it fun and the last time i weighed him which was beginning of august he weighed 12.9kg but then dropped to 12.4kg as he had stayed at her aunts and had weetabix which we had stopped giving him on the advice of the health visitor. ive been looking for some extra ones but if your able to help that would be great im in canterbury region which is south east england.

[Cheetarah]

John, the domestic abuse programs are for people who have been assessed to have abusive attitudes towards their partners/family. Abuse comes in more forms than just hitting. Emotional, mental, sexual, financial. You have to be honest and accountable, John, for these programs to be of any real use to you and helping reunite you with your family(or your children). You have told us many times you've done nothing at all, but after your investigations and evaluations that have mandated you to do this program, have said you are a controlling partner/father. So there is something going on. For the sake of your children, you must own it. This program can help you shift your ideals and beliefs about things, if you truly utilize it and approach it with honesty and an open mind.

 

If your son is underweight(and yes, he is small for his age. How tall is he?) and he is hungry, he needs to eat - Plain and simple. You've said previously that you guys were not meeting his caloric needs. So this is not a child who eats and eats with a fast metabolism, but he was not receiving adequate amounts of healthy, high cal foods. Children's stomachs are smaller than ours. They need to eat smaller amounts more frequently rather than fewer large meals. So 6 meals are good, yes. If he is hungry and underweight, you feed him. You don't make him wait until the next meal time for the sake of being rigid. A snack like small sandwiches, cheese with crackers, apple with peanut butter(unless he is allergic to peanuts), pudding, whole milk yogurt with fruit, bagel with cream cheese...You find other ways to add calories and good fats to his diet. Pastas tossed with olive oil...Avocado is a wonderful source of good fats. You can put this sliced on a sandwich.

 

You and your wife need to stop making excuses for why you do what you do, and just do what you must.

 

Sorry John, I live in the US so I can't help you with resources in the UK. But perhaps one of the members that have been posting here live in your area.

[John Mitchell]

I think he is 93cm and his allergies are nuts coconut egg yolks dust and animal fur ( i haven't listed milk as we had started ot introduce it) and i never thought of avocado to be honest ill keep that in mind.

[iamkaylee]

John, Cheetarah has has given you some very good advice here and she is exactly right.

 

The child is three years old. If he's hungry, you feed him. If he's bouncing around in the kitchen wanting food while you're fixing supper it's one thing to make hims wait a bit longer. But if it's been three hours since breakfast and lunch isn't planned for another two, give the little guy something healthy to eat.

 

Kids do fall down, run into things and get bruised, scratched, scraped and whatnot. It happens. But they're not underweight unless there is a medical problem causing it or they're just plain not getting enough food. I understand you're working on those problems with both the authorities and a nutritionist. That's good but the excuses and sluffing off things as not so serious are NOT good. These are your kids. They didn't ask to be brought into this world but they're here and they're your responsibility. Taking care of them in every way they need is your primary responsibility. You've been told you're controlling and there's obviously some problems with how you get on with your wife and your kids. If there weren't, you wouldn't be being investigated, you wouldn't be ordered to take parenting classes and you surely wouldn't be on the verge of having your children taken away from you. This applies to both you AND your wife. Your wife drinks yes? To the point she is impaired? A glass of wine with dinner is no big deal but drinking constantly or to the point she's drunk with two small children about is NOT good. She also self harms correct? Do you not recognize that many people who self harm need help themselves? How do you think your oldest will react if he just happens to walk in on mummy at the wrong time? What are your children learning from this? What you do NOW can and will impact your children for the rest of their lives.

 

You do not seem to understand this is not about you, nor your wife and especially not about you being able to get back together with your wife. This is about your children, their welfare and both you and your wife's abilities as parents to raise them. Or not. Take the mandated classes and as many others as you can find that are not mandated. Do the right thing by your wife AND your children and tell the social worker about your wife's drinking and self harming. Yes, your wife will get mad and be upset but so what. She needs help and this may be what she needs in order to start facing up to whatever it is she's escaping from. Your kids deserve it. Do you really want to live with what could happen one day if your wife passes out drunk and forgets what's cooking on the stove? Or if she's too drunk to realize the baby has wandered out into the street?

 

Your kids deserve sober, healthy parents. Hiding things, being in denial will not help you nor is it fair to your kids. You must accept that there are problems far beyond what you've admitted to and be willing to do whatever it takes to fix them. Even if that means a permanent split from your wife. Sometimes two people are just not a good fit for one another and that may be the case here with you and she.

[John Mitchell]

iamkaylee what part of england are you from ?

[waffle]

This isn't about giving a kid an apple between meals. And it isn't about completing classes. It's about rectifying what appears to be a very bad situation, and moving forward. John Mitchell, I think another poster mentioned this but I'll repeat it--you need to figure out what your goals are here. If your goals are to complete some mandated classes in order to get your kids' mother to come back to you, then this whole thing is for naught.