No Contact... and No Stalking, Either

[Firiel]

Okay, I've hit a huge wall in the healing process as I get over B. And I know exactly what's holding me back. We were married, so I still know all his passwords. To everything. And I check his accounts obsessively, as in every day. I check his Facebook, his e-mail, his dating profiles, etc. I think for awhile, this was actually a step towards healing. Seeing what he said about me and what he did behind closed doors made me realize how horrible he actually is. I didn't have to feel like I had done everything wrong anymore. Clearly, he was the one with the major problem.

 

But now, it's definitely holding me back. I've read a lot about victims of narcissists (which I truly believe B is), and they often get stuck in this liminal stage of healing. They can realize how cruel their ex was and realize that he had issues, but then they obsess over it, wallowing in these terrible past experiences. That's what this has turned into for me.

 

It's not fair for me. I am still allowing B to have power over me by doing this. I'm in a new relationship, and it's not fair to my boyfriend that I'm still doing this. This will take will-power, but it seriously is time to move on.

 

So this is my No Stalking Journal. I will break the addiction of checking his profiles. I don't need to know. He is who he is, and I am lucky he's no longer in my life. End of story.

 

I checked his stuff this morning before I made this determination. Right now, my goal is just to make it a day. So I'll check back in tomorrow.

[Seraphim]

You have reached the point of obsession. What you can do is every time you come to think about it in your head scream STOP, and then you replace it with a good thought and action.

[dangletsbang]

Fi, I did the same thing last year when my ex fiancee and I broke up. I was literally obsessed. His bank account, his facebook, his email..anything I could get into, I would. Every single day. Multiple times a day. I was still allowing him to control me and he didn't even realize it. It took me a very long time to stop doing it. But now it's liberating knowing that I don't have to obsess over if he's messaging someone else, or talking crap about me or going to smoke shops to buy synthetic marijuana. I DON'T care anymore. You'll get there eventually! Good luck.

[Firiel]

Well, I haven't looked all day. Haven't even been super tempted. It's a start.

[Realitynut]

Great Job! I KNOW i was obsessed with my ex all the time i was with him....and after. I always thought it was good/lucky that he lived 4 hours away...or i would definitely be a full fledged stalker!

 

But since he lived so far away, i got earth google and would google his home.....sheesh. I would look at it and remember. I thought maybe it was in real time....and i could 'see' things. But alas...it wasn't.

 

I was probably that way for a year....maybe less. I still txted him that 'our' song just got done playing....'remember when'...lol.

 

But I'm starting to have fun. I have a 'friend' that came over and we had icecream. Not a 'romantic' friend...even tho he would like it to be. But it helps to have someone else to focus on!

 

I made small steps for myself. Like on the day we were to be married...i said, "today i make my journal (on here) and put away his pictures. 4 months after the breakup, i said, "today i will stop crying'.....or try. At 6 months i made a list (i still have on fridge!) today is the first day of my new life....6 months later. Today i will.....

 

You do small increments, and with anything, if you slip, you just start over!

 

Fortunately, Dan doesn't have facebook...or i probably would still be doing that! 2 and a half years later. I did look up HER pic....and wow...did she get fat!!!

 

Gave me some satisfaction.....and the fact that he now dumped her.

 

Obsessions are very hard to get over.

I think REALIZING that they are an obsession is a good starting point!

 

Come here.....and vent before checking up on him!

[Firiel]

Two days sober.

[Fudgie]

This sounds crazy, but in your shoes, I would be proactive and change them myself. His email would still be attached to those accounts so he could reset it and get a new password and get access again, so it would be a very minor annoyance on his part but a big relief for you because once he changes the passwords, you won't know them anymore.

 

His email, though, can't change the password to that unless you know for sure that he has a way to reset it easily. For that account, you're just going to have to stop looking.

 

 

My first love (when I was 14/15) gave me his email password years ago. almost 10 years later, he hasn't changed it. I haven't checked it in ages but I used to check often because he was very mentally ill and I wanted to see what was going on. Time is your best bet in this case. Just have to let the past fade a bit and keep yourself busy.

[hers]

That's good to use this as a way to keep yourself in check.

 

Where are y'all on the divorce process?

[Firiel]

The divorce process has, fortunately, been over since June. He didn't fight anything. Now it's just a matter of getting the money he owes me.

[hers]

Wow. So it's official? I didn't know. I'm sorry. I hope you get your money from him.

[Realitynut]

I still haven't got the money i was suppose to get from my ex (on a monthly basis! only $230 a month!) and it will be 6 years in MARCH!

[LAYAAN]

I was in a long-term relationship with a man who chose to marry someone else. The thing that led to the break-up, among others, was that he would sneak into my email accounts to see what I was doing behind his back. After his wedding, he obsessively tried to connect with me through every which way he could. There was a foreign transaction on my credit card, my bank accounts were frozen for a while... I went through all that non-sense. He also called me after his wedding. The 2nd time he called and his wife wasn't there... I told him "Look, you can't harass me like this. It was YOUR decision to get married to someone. You didn't want to work through our problems. You said you wanted to move on... so move on."

 

From that day I made sure that any guy I dated... I created a separate email ID only for dating purpose. I added no man that I met through online dating or for romantic purpose on facebook or linkedin.

 

OP, I know its difficult. You were married to the guy. Healing comes in slowly, but you have to hang in there with yourself... one day at a time and you will get over him. Per Steve Santagati, for every 3 months you spend in a relationship, it takes 1 month to recover. I guess, for women it may take more. You are already on your way to healing... you are in a relationship. Just focus on your life... I know its easier said than done.

[Firiel]

Thanks, all. So far, the money has been coming in. We have a signed contract, and I think he knows I will take him to small claims court.

 

I also got a letter from the IRS asking about the two tax returns filed under my name so I was able to report him with spite absolutely not being a motivator. Doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it, though.

[Firiel]

I've been feeling a bit tempted to look at B's stuff, but I've resisted thus far. I feel better already, honestly. There is a part of me that wants to send him a closure e-mail (I have one half-written), but not now. I'll consider it further when I'm more ready.

[Seraphim]

Good keep going one day at a time!

[redrose85]

Does he really deserve a closure email? You could always write a letter to yourself. That's what I did. I opened it 6 months later and it was quite the flashback. Made me realize how far I'd come.

[Firiel]

He doesn't need anything. It definitely wouldn't be for him. Like I said, definitely not time for it now. Maybe when I'm a few months on, I won't feel the need.

[Firiel]

I talked to my former mother-in-law and didn't ask after B once. I am obsessing so much less than I was already. This was a great choice.

[redrose85]

You're doing great!

[Realitynut]

When you start wanting to 'check up' on him....write out all the bad crap he pulled on you.....and then you'll be ANGRY instead of curious! My ex...Dan called me as i was driving my 'friend' out to eat tonite. The phone rang...and i looked..oops...ex bf from Wisconsin. Didn't answer it...but i sure wanted to! But then wasn't the time. Listened to his vm later. Not much. Just said was getting back with me....to thank me for wishing him a happy Labor Day.

 

I'm not as strong as you Firiel......but i can be a good side line cheerleader!

[SapphireNoir10]

Proud of you! you can do this

[guanyu4u]

U really got to stop being obsessed over him by checking his accounts and emails. It may sounds corny, but it is unhealthy 4 u. Taking the high road can be challenging but at some point after a break-up u should feel that u r not bitter while talking about ur ex-. He had bad habit, he didn't appreciate u enough but u know what it is the same 4 him too.

If u keep analyzing him psychologically trying to prove to yourself that u r the sane one and he's the nutcase, this won't help your case. U just have to convene yourself that ppl can do worse when it comes to break-up, worse than what he did, that should be a start.

[Firiel]

I've been very tempted to look at B's accounts recently. Actually, the main deterrent has been that it wouldn't be fair to G. I know it'd be best if I could do this solely for my own good, but better to abstain for less than perfect reasons than to start looking at his stuff again.

[Seraphim]

Keep going you can do it!!