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Mediocrity is good enough

Cognitive_Canine

By Cognitive_Canine
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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

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Hi Cognitive. Just wanted to lend support to you as you go through this difficult time. I'm sorry your burden is so heavy right now.

 

Thanks, avman. I really appreciate it.

 

I used to be suicidal and the event that snapped me out of it was when my first friend committed suicide. Experiencing the terrible feeling that his actions left behind made me commit myself to living better.

 

I'll be okay but I'm in a lot of pain right now.

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

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Telling my mother what happened was a mistake.

 

Now she won't stop texting me.

 

I want to tell her "stop making this about you."

 

I called up a mutual friend when I saw he was online and told him. He asked a bunch of questions and then told me he had to go think about things for a while. I couldn't get out the words "even if he lived, he will have brain damage". It's just too much.

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

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I'm back. Sorry for the long wait for an update.

 

My friend didn't make it. He survived but with heavy brain damage that would have left him in a vegetative state. His family decided to turn off the machines soon after the diagnosis. He passed away on the fifteenth. I am very glad they chose not to keep him alive as I know he would have hated that. The funeral was last Thursday. I chose not to go because I didn't want to make a scene. This was a person I talked to every day for almost seven years until last May when I confronted him about his alcoholism. I planned on reconnecting with him since I would be moving within a few minutes of him.

 

I was supposed to move this week but when I heard the news, I dumped B, and then stayed up all night packing until I moved all my stuff over the next morning. I probably didn't sleep for about three days then.

 

I saw B for the first time last night after he apologized profusely throughout the week and without prompt. It was nice and it felt right. So, I'm giving him a second chance. He decided while we were on a break (or whatever that was) that he didn't want to take his meds anymore and has cold turkeyed. It's been about a week and I didn't notice any change from him. He said he thinks he's over the hump and isn't feeling headachey and nauseated anymore. He seemed great last night. I'm still very guarded. Maybe I'm too guarded. This year hasn't been the best when it comes to me and boys. I should probably work on that.

 

My ex has been amazing through all of this. He was the one that initially told me. He went to the hospital multiple times, talked to the family, talked to the doctors, informed about 30 people about what was happening, and organized a bunch of group events throughout the week. I don't want to get back together with him. Maybe in like 10 years if we're both single. But, I'm really happy with where we are at right now and I'm glad he's in my life. Rather than sadness, he experiences anger and restlessness. I've worked hard this week to calm him down and he said I've helped.

 

My sister hasn't cut since my friend committed suicide. The day my first friend was lost to suicide, I knew I could never go through with it. I hope that seeing how the death of a loved one can affect someone close to her, she has come to the same revelation.

 

I've been sad but I'm better than I was. I have a lot of really great friends who have been supporting me throughout this. I just can't believe he's gone still. Time's gone by so fast.

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