Early dates: when you can't see yourself with someone long term

[dark angel9]

So I went on 50 (or so) first dates in the last year. Most were from OLD.

 

I usually get the feeling after 2-3 dates that I just can't see myself with that guy long term. It's not about physical attraction. It's about the sense I get from their personality and lifestyle. I try to fast forward few months and I don't think we would match. It's hard to explain. Like their sense of humor is off, or it seems like they like to drink too much or just that they seem to impulsive or something.

 

The only guy I had LTR with in my life, on the first date I felt a click and I just knew that we would work long term (talking about personality/lifestyle here, which is more important to me than a huge physical spark) . I could see myself comfortably hanging out with him.

 

So now I am trying to question this: is it really possible that I met so many guys that I genuinely don't click with? Or is my gut feeling wrong and I am being too picky? When I get the "nah" feeling, do I push it away and give them more of a chance?

[Patrick974]

Yeah, a girl blew me off that way, well that's rejection which is part of the game, you have always a default that doesnt fit the person. To make it work, it's called "chemistry" or "spark". It's human. We've all been there.

[elsenyor]

I usually get the feeling after 2-3 dates that I just can't see myself with that guy long term. It's not about physical attraction. It's about the sense I get from their personality and lifestyle. I try to fast forward few months and I don't think we would match. It's hard to explain. Like their sense of humor is off, or it seems like they like to drink too much or just that they seem to impulsive or something.

 

2 -3 dates can still be very little, the true personality obviously isn't out there because there's the whole "i want to impress" and nervousness phases, maybe you could give it a little more time?

 

if I'm not mistaken there's a saying "tomorrow never comes", if you keep thinking about the future you might not know, appreciate or live in the present. And if you do see a "future" it may be a future that truly never pans out the way you expect, examples: the person you see yourself with in the future breaking up with you, cheating, turning out to be abusive after the impression stages etc

 

so the way I date is, I don't look at the future, I just take it a day at a time and sort of backwards rationalize: "did i have a good time?" (yes / no) if yes I ask for another date, if no, I cease contact, if she continues I'll let her know I'm not interested. Rinse and repeat.

 

PS: I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have objectives for the future and try to strive for them, or not having standards but maybe going with the flow, with no pressure on yourself or them and just going off a "did i have a good time?" may help.

[RedDress]

Like their sense of humor is off, or it seems like they like to drink too much or just that they seem to impulsive or something.

 

Yeah... that does sound pretty picky.

 

It's ok to have dealbreakers - actually, it's necessary - but if you are picking on a bad joke or two and someone "seeming" impulsive when you don't really know them - well - you aren't really looking for love. You are looking for a perfect person who doesn't exist.

[Throwaway999]

So hard to tell - you end up second-guessing yourself. In some ways, physical attraction is easy. I mean, I'm unapologeticly a guy, and if a woman is somewhat good looking, yeah, I'm probably going to be attracted to her! But as far as if we are actually compatible, I will psyche myself out, coming up with reasons why "it would never work" or "she looks like a hassle" or something like that. But then you think, "Am I maybe not ready for a relationship? Is this just to avoid getting involved?"

 

For me, the long term thing is I try to picture is if a woman could comfortably hang out with my friends, or if I'd be embarrassed on either side of the equation when I introduced them. Like, some woman who says she likes to travel and talks about the new restaurants she wants to try, and she sounds all smart and sophisticated. Fine, I like those things too. But could she also hang with watching bad horror or martial arts movies over at my buddy's house? Or going to some dirty bar to see a friend's crappy band? That's the kind of thing that's hard to define, and there might not be an explicit "dealbreaker" there but you've just got a hunch, you can just TELL.

[LadyJD]

I don't think it's necessary so bad, I went on one date with a guy who repeatedly kept telling me about how often he stays out until 5 or 6 am and then eats breakfast at a local breakfast place and goes to sleep. He teased me for being younger than him but "going out" less. That's obviously a no for my lifestyle. If it's stuff like that causing you to reject guys, I'd say it's fine. If you feel absolutely nothing in terms of a "spark" that's fine too.

[dark angel9]

I think this is mostly it. I try to imagine a guy with my friends. I try to imagine him around my family. If I can feel he won't fit in, I just don't see it working.

 

The guy I am currently dating is really rough around the edges and has a very blunt sense of humor. I can see him embarrassing me with my friends or family. He also seems most alive when he talks about partying and taking 10 shots in a row, but then he assures me that "he doesn't do that anymore". He is 33. It sucks because I am physically attracted.

[NorthDallas40]

Like, some woman who says she likes to travel and talks about the new restaurants she wants to try, and she sounds all smart and sophisticated. Fine, I like those things too. But could she also hang with watching bad horror or martial arts movies over at my buddy's house? Or going to some dirty bar to see a friend's crappy band?

 

Hahaha it sounds like we have the same kind of dilemmas!

[dark angel9]

Guy before this one, I could see fitting in with my lifestyle. But...I felt no physical attraction to him so it was pointless.

 

I can't believe that I can't even meet anyone that can even pass the basic dating tests, let alone have a serious relationship with. And we all know that once you get deeper into a relationship, it can also not work out for many other reasons. So yeah, it's depressing.

[nutbrownhare]

Speaking as a member of Al-Anon, I'd say that rejecting a guy who clearly drinks too much is a very good idea! Similarly, someone who's very rude to waiting staff and shows other signs of being a bully.

 

However, with the other stuff you mention... it's unrealistic to think you're going to find someone who will fit in with every aspect of your lifestyle, or you with theirs. It's fine to have separate interests; desirable, even, as it means that you'll be socialising with people other than your partner and it will help keep the relationship healthy.

 

Also, you never know how someone will fit in with your friends and family until you give them the chance; it's very easy to have preconceptions about how two people will get on, but there have been so many occasions when I've been gobsmacked to see how people I've introduced have related to each other, and not what I expected at all, that I don't worry about it any more. Similarly, I've met people who I've been warned were very shy, and wouldn't talk to me and not to take it personally - and they haven't stopped chatting all evening!

 

If your lifestyles are completely incompatible, that's one thing. But if you've met 50 people, and not been interested in one of them, it suggests something more than just being a bit picky!

[Ms Darcy]

Look ... you are picky and somewhat judgmental. That is OK but just be honest with yourself. If you were honest then you would accept that it may be a long time until you meet someone you like.

[Realitynut]

op....don't see anything wrong with your not being attracted to those guys because of those qualities...or lack thereof.

 

HUMOR is VERY important to me. I was married to a guy that his family thought he was the next Jim carey. Jeez. Didn't see it. But yet he never got MY families sense of humor!

 

Ex bf made me laugh so hard i peed my pants....but then again...maybe i was laughing AT HIM! lol

 

I also dated heavy drinkers in my early years...never again. or partiers....i'm too old for that stuff.

 

Also...impulsive? I had a guy online who said he couldn't see me cuz i was too impulsive.

 

Another guy after 4 emails, said he thought i was too 'chatty' for him.....go figure...lol...but once he found out i was a massage therapist...he became 'chatty'...but i never answered.

 

My ex bf...we had a spark immediately. Well....after an hour or two...met in real life. I just KNEW. But then found out he was an enabler...and i was BPD! oops. He said he wanted to be happy 100% of the time! lol

 

I sure wasn't THAT girl. Course he's now starting his second woman...and i have yet to find ONE.

 

I have met approx. 20-25 in the last 2 years. Hard to say....mostly once only and i can't remember them all. Only one or 2 did i have a 'spark' with....and i too am questioning that 'chemistry'. I'm talking to a guy right now...emailing/txting....he sent me a pic...just an average joe older guy....lol....but so far he's attentive and has a sense of humor.

 

Haven't met...and usually i'm not feeling it when i do...so i almost get to the point of why bother? The ones that DO like me...well...hm...

I met one guy last week from online....nice, charming, good job...believes in God....good dad....and still in love with ex from 2 years ago.

 

I'm about to give up also.

 

My feelings are....it happened once...it can happen again. You KNEW when you met your ex if you could see him long term and now you have to have that...and the attraction. It HAS to be out there...doesn't it?

 

I could see myself with ex bf forever. And honestly still could...if it wasn't for his rotton kids from prison...etc. etc. lol