Feel like I am never going to move on from ex or find someone better...

[radiohead20]

my ex and I broke up aroundy 7 months ago from a year so long relationship. We both felt so stongly for each other and were the first people that we could see each of ourselves marrying. Things did not work out due to trust issues and the fact that there were things outside our control to prevent us from being together, at least from my standpoint. the unwinding of our relationship was my fault due to something I did in the beginning, but the consequences of that prevented us from being together.

 

Anyways, I dont want to go into detail into things, but we have not spoke in over 4 months and I still think about her everyday. She was honestly perfect for me and no one has come close (and I have dated many people). Like every couple, there were things that annoyed me and little faults but I accepted them as they were and was happy with the whole "package". What makes it worse that I honestly feel like I am never going to meet anyone that measures up to her, or the relationship we had. Mostly because It is hard to meet people since I am out of college and I currently have a 1 year old child (most girls In my experience are hesitant to date a guy with a kid).

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like I have lost motivation to do most things, because I feel like it doesnt matter. I would give up money, my job, pretty much anything to be with her. After we broke up I grieved a little bit but then decided to write down a 5 year to plan to improve myself and hit my goals - I felt like something good had to come out of this. I wasnt going to wolly in pity. however, even though I am making good progress towards these goals, I am losing motivation because I cant stop thinking about her and I cant stop thinking about how I don't even remotely care about these "goals" or being with other women when I think about being with her.

 

Things would be better if I had hope that I might meet someone on that same level as her, someone that I would feel as comfortable with the idea of marrying. That is what is killing me inside - I don't think I will, and no its not just a pity party without any backup, I actually, based on my circumstances don't think I will based on realistic evidence.

 

How do I deal with this? I am thinking about just taking the "relationship factor" out of my life - that is, not dwelling on the thought that I am not going to find someone as good as my ex. I have tried this too, sorta, but being humans are social creatures soemtimes the thought of not being with someone in the future makes me very hopeless, some to grow old with etc. I am all for focusing on yourself and being independent, but I do know human companionship is very very beneficial and growing old alone is pretty damn depressing. Who cares if you reached all your personal goals if you have no one to share them with.

[Zanetka]

Call her up and ask her how's she's doing! Ask her out to coffee and catch up. Maybe she feels the same way? You'll never know in less you try.

[radiohead20]

Call her up and ask her how's she's doing! Ask her out to coffee and catch up. Maybe she feels the same way? You'll never know in less you try.

 

 

She is dating someone else right now

 

The good ones always can find someone quickly. Esp girls.

[nfperception]

She is dating someone else right now

 

The good ones always can find someone quickly. Esp girls.

 

I do not think only good ones find someone quickly. Some people are good game players. That does not make them good. Most cheaters find someone quickly, too.

[JTP1994]

I do not think only good ones find someone quickly. Some people are good game players. That does not make them good. Most cheaters find someone quickly, too.

 

Straight from the horses mouth. Cheaters already have someone waiting.

 

Grass is sometimes greener, eh?

 

Joe.

[nfperception]

Straight from the horses mouth. Cheaters already have someone waiting.

 

Grass is sometimes greener, eh?

 

Joe.

 

Um... Did I say something to offend you? I was replying to a person who said only the good ones find someone quickly. Which is not true.

[Kendahke]

If I'm doing the math correctly, the child was created around the time you were involved with your ex---is she the mother?

 

What you need to get unstuck is to get a definitive yes or no from her about reconciliation. You need to ask her to reconcile, first. If she says no, then you need to will yourself to move on. Wallowing in self-pity is only going to amount to years being wasted.

 

Also, leave the 'girls' alone and find a woman who wants to be with you. If you are done with your child's mother except for being a good parent to your child, then a good, emotionally balanced woman will understand that.

 

As long as you do not have confidence, you will not attract other women. You're too busy pining for your ex and they can pick up on that.

[Kendahke]

She is dating someone else right now

 

The good ones always can find someone quickly. Esp girls.

 

that's not necessarily true... but if you've screwed up that much and you messed over a good one, then it stands to reason that someone else noticed the treatment she was getting from you and took the opportunity your actions laid open for them.

[radiohead20]

that's not necessarily true... but if you've screwed up that much and you messed over a good one, then it stands to reason that someone else noticed the treatment she was getting from you and took the opportunity your actions laid open for them.

 

She has always had guys after her, It was only a matter of a few weeks to months before a guy came along that she valued and could see herself being with. She loves companionship, not in a co-dependent way though. yes I did mess up over a good one - although I made a mistake, admitted to it and moved on only to find out....child. that wasn't in the books at all, statistically speaking. I doing better now. I guess I "relapsed" and that is what sparked this thread.I was doing ok for the past month or so and finally getting over her, but saw a picture of her posted on my facebook from a mutual friend and everything just came back instantly, it was a gut wrenching experience, and I posted my feelings here. I'm happy that she found someone, but hurt and a little hopeless and not having what we had and how ridiculously great it was. I guess that is just they way it goes sometimes? we can't have everything, and should feel content with what we have and not dwell on not having something, no matter how great the experience was. at least I have a good job, a great kid, good relationship with the mother, healthy etc. this kid is never going to feel the hurt of finances, being that both the mom and I make over 200,000 a year combined, so I feel happy that we can provide him with pretty much anything he needs and more. I do feel a little better now, maybe i will just avoid facebook for awhile. hopefully the next time I see her or something that reminds of me of her it will be less poignant.

[No1]

Sounds like a few things are going on. You are kicking yourself in the butt about this mistake you made and you have your X on this pedestal and you are comparing every girl to your X.

First thing is to remove her from your pedestal. Im sure she was beautiful, amazing, etc etc and no other girl compares. Ive said it and Ive heard it. I have met a lot of amazing, beautiful girls and I can tell you as long as you are sitting there Mopey, you will not attract this girl. Okay, so you have been on dates, and you have compared them to your X. Stop looking for a replacement, its not fair to your dates or to you that you are doing this, you could have already missed out on meeting a great girl because you are so bent on finding a replacement. Being very picky or finding some problem with them. You have such a closed mind that you are not accepting to others. You cannot move forward until you place your past behind you and that is something you must do. Dont date, take time off from dating.

You are currently the Mayor of your own Pity Party. That has to stop, okay, you made a huge mistake, but look what happened, you now have a beautiful child and you have to forgive yourself. Quit trying to figure out why you were so dumb or why you did what you did. You probably knew what you were doing was wrong but you did it anyway. You thought you were going to get away with it, no harm, no foul. Well, it bit you, Im not adding to your pain, but you do have to say you messed up and you must move on. You say you have but you havent. There are people that make mistakes and people have died. You have a child. Your focus shouldnt be what you lost, it should be on what you now have.

Now I am sure your greatest fear is either being alone or not being able to find the next great girl. Remove the fear. I dont know much about women, but I know that a woman is not attracted to guys who host their own pity party. You can make $200k a year but if you are negative all the time no woman will put up with that. I do know a beautiful woman is attracted to a confident, funny, outgoing, and happy. For every day you are negative, depressed you are missing out on meeting that woman. And you never know what the future holds, so you dont know if you go out and make yourself happy, treat yourself and your kid right that you might run into your X and see how well you are doing, how happy you are and not be attracted to that.

If I were you, go seek professional help, you have deep rooted feelings that a professional will help you sort out. learn to accept that things happen and learn to let go of feelings, and your X.

[radiohead20]

Well i guess I didn't clarify that I have in fact not been out on any dates, and that's part of the reason why I think there is little chance. I don't just feel bad based on evidence, I have plenty of evidence to back up my claims. and no I don't think there is zero chance of finding someone, I just think the chances are very slim given what I am looking for and the fact that I am not what girls are typically attracted too. I am very confident in myself as a person and know I have a lot to offer. Hell I LOVE going out on dates and meeting new people, its fun! however, I know that a vast majority of women are not attracted to my type, and there is little I can do about it other than increasing the amount of women I approach by a significant factor as to find one that is attracted to my type. And lets be honest, for MOST men in our current dating culture this is the case. For most guys I know, they have to put a considerable amount of time and effort into just landing a date with a girl. Women are the selectors. Right now, Its simply not a priority of mine to spend hours upon hours a week to do this, I have more important things to worry about. Maybe in 5 years if I have not gotten a date then It will be time to start pursuing professional help in the form of a therapist or dating coach. Its not like this is ruining my life (despite the title of the thread!), its just a small depressive thought in the back of my head that bugs me from time to time. In general things are good.

 

but I do understand how feeling bad about it and constantly harping over things can show themselves and possibly push women away, which turns things into a self fulfilling prophecy.

[No1]

I am one of those that most girls would look at and not get a second glance, but the great thing is, I have dated some incredible women in my life. Very beautiful and sometimes things happen that they are removed from my life. I do feel that Im never going to meet that great girl, but again Im proven wrong. Now mind you that they are each different, I dont look for replacements, I dont expect one great GF to be exactly like the last one, if I did, I would be a fool to look for one. Each beautiful, great girl I have met is different, great in their own way. And there has been girls that I feel I dont have to settle for.

Truth is, as long as you feel that there isnt a great girl, you wont find her. There wont be a girl exactly like your X, each of us is flawed and not perfect, we have to find the one thats perfect for you. We are not puzzles where each empty spot has a permanent shape and one piece has to be exact to fill it. We evolve, we learn, we change and your empty spots also change dynamics and shapes. Sounds to me, and I could be wrong that you are out there comparing your X to every other girl in this world. If you are, quit doing it. Dont give me that excuse that most women are not attracted to your type. Did you know that the most beautiful girls in the world are the lonliest? They are because we guys feel we are not good enough or they have someone else who is better than us. Even if my rejection rate is 99% that means at least 1 girl will say yes to me, and thats all I need, just a foot in the door and then make them happy. If you dont try, then you have a 0% chance of finding your dream girl. If you are confident, then get out there. You said your chances were slim, even with those odds, as long as you try, you will succeed right? But still make yourself happy my friend, who knows, maybe your X will have a renewed interest in you. If she still cares, she will keep an eye out and ears open to anything you do. I know cause its happened to me before. A model I dated broke up with me, then 12 months later she came back asking me to be her partner in life. She said she never lost touch with me and knew what I was doing because she was always had me in her heart. She saw I was moving on, doing things to make myself happy, and came back into my life. So things can happen.

[todayisrough]

I have only read your heading to answer you: But of course you will find someone you can love again! If you stop comparing them with your ex. Only then will you be able to move on and become happy with someone new!

[Jimbly]

There wont be a girl exactly like your X, each of us is flawed and not perfect, we have to find the one thats perfect for you. We are not puzzles where each empty spot has a permanent shape and one piece has to be exact to fill it. We evolve, we learn, we change and your empty spots also change dynamics and shapes.

 

This is so well-said, and something we all need to remember! Thank you!

[kz91]

I feel like this right now and it stinks.