I have no faith that I'm going to "find" that person

[stayClimbing]

I've graduated college. I'm trying to move on with life. I'm seeing girls, I'm sleeping with girls. But this is not what I want!!

 

I don't know why. I saw this one girl three times, the third night we hung out we slept together for the first time. Ever since this incident (and it was a great incident, please believe me), she hasn't made any effort to contact me. I saw her at a party, we kissed, and that was the end of that. I don't even know how to proceed here or if I should just drop her. I just don't understand why girls are like this. And the worst part is she's not even the only one.

 

I just went out with this girl I met at a party last night. I told her that if things go well, I could really see something special coming out of it. The first time I've said that to anybody. She said she appreciated me putting it out there. Today, 15 minutes ago, I get a call from her telling me "I'm attracted to you, but I'm not romantically attracted to you"

 

I was seeing another girl a couple months back, we saw each other for a month before she was like "Sorry, I want this to end" (in so many words). I'm really losing faith. I don't know where to meet women who know what they want. I want to be in a relationship again...

[Snny]

Let's back up...

 

It's all about where you meet people and how you interact with them afterward. If you are meeting them at parties, most likely they just want to have fun. many girls aren't really looking for relationships unless they are single and desperate. In society these days, many single young women just go to parties/clubs and hook up for one night stands. If they are making-out with you and want to have sex all on the first night... sweetie, those type of women aren't looking for commitments or relationships. Just a quickie and go.

 

Let's be real here: it takes time to build any kind of relationship with people. It doesn't happen instantly. It took me a year to agree to date my best friend from college. The guy before that (and almost married if it wasn't for being physically abused).... meet him at a high school homecoming school dance with a group of friends (as students), but it took four months AFTER for us to agree on dating.

 

If a woman is telling you that she's attracted to you but not romantically interested, then she is actually saying that you are moving too fast and she is not ready to be in a relationship. It puts them off if you suggest getting in a relationship with them after the first night- it screams you are desperate and it scares women.

[Blue_Skirt]

Snny says it all! Go to different places and stop sleeping around.

[catfeeder]

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling emotionally bonded to someone you sleep with. You're just ahead of your time and need to stop engaging the kind of empty sex that school kids have all over the place.

 

That's not a moral judgment against anyone who does it--it's just practical. People who hook up randomly are doing it for fun, and that's it. If you're in there with them doing it to land a relationship, you'll get run over.

 

If you want a relationship, ask girls out to do stuff with you and get to know them well enough to see where they are mentally and emotionally before sticking your neck out. Some girls will turn out to be strictly friend material--and can even be good friends and fond of you without wanting to take it somewhere serious.

 

If finding love were easy, there would be nothing special about it. Meet people on a human level first, and THEN explore whether their piece of the puzzle is a match with yours. There will ~always~ be more who don't fit than who do--it's natural odds. The less you can personalize that, the more free you are to allow bad matches to pass early.

 

Roll with it, and head high.

[stayClimbing]

The thing is with the girl who it was until the third date, I asked her afterwards if we'd hang out again (Because I was afraid of something like this) and she said yes. She explicitly said she made me wait because she wants to see me again. I don't know why she hasn't contacted me. I don't want to seem too pushy because it's her college graduation this weekend but during the week, the one day I contacted her she said she was going to a party. I didn't want to seem needy by asking if I could go so I didn't say anything and instead told her to have fun. Now I'm sitting at home wondering why this always happens. I'm so confused and lost.

[HeatherB]

You fall too easily. You go out once with a woman you met at a party and then tell her you could see something special coming out of it? That makes you seem shallow in your emotions. Like it doesn't take much to get you invested and therefore it wouldn't take much to boot you back out again. Show self respect by pacing yourself and taking a lot longer getting to know people.

[catfeeder]

The thing is with the girl who it was until the third date, I asked her afterwards if we'd hang out again (Because I was afraid of something like this) and she said yes. She explicitly said she made me wait because she wants to see me again. I don't know why she hasn't contacted me. I don't want to seem too pushy because it's her college graduation this weekend but during the week, the one day I contacted her she said she was going to a party. I didn't want to seem needy by asking if I could go so I didn't say anything and instead told her to have fun. Now I'm sitting at home wondering why this always happens. I'm so confused and lost.

 

You just said it's her graduation week. Well? Really difficult to meld new people into your life at such a time. You're harming yourself by going into a snit about that.

 

Consider this: when you seek out injury, you'll always be sure to find it.

 

Try reading up on 'resiliency'. It's a skill never too soon to develop.

[stayClimbing]

Sorry, maybe it wasn't clear. The girl from last night I'm not stressing. I'm stressing over the fact that even after I pace myself, this type of stuff still comes out of it. My dad told my mom the night he met her he was going to marry her. They've been married for idk, more than 20 years now.

[Cherry009]

I know how u feel, finding someone right for you is sooooo hard

 

I think you need to date around a bit and not expect too much, keep your emotions at bay and just enjoy the dates for what they are, don't always expect them to turn into something serious. Stop sleeping with girls until you find someone you really like and have agreed some kind of relationship or commitment.

[catfeeder]

It doesn't sounds as though you're really interested in anything anybody has to say. You're running a 'Dad married Mom right away' story that is unusual and extreme despite a great outcome. If that's the tape you're running as how things 'should' be, you'll continue to be deflated and disappointed.

 

Your folks hit big on the marriage slot machine. That's what everyone would love to have happen, but it's also rare enough to destroy the person who spends their life betting for the same deal.

 

If you want to embrace optimism and patience, you can do that. If you want to stack the odds against yourself, continue the rushy vibe you may be giving off. You're learning exactly how endearing that is.

 

Please reread these posts.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should indeed stop sleeping around if you are actually looking for something serious.

[MD Geist]

I gave up on this dream years ago trying to meet the right one. There's just no such a thing.

 

It's a shame how F ed up our dating society is these days where you have to play these stupid games in order to connect with someone. I'm just so sick and tired of it all.

 

The best thing a person can do is find a FWB situation or just seek a professional who can help meet your sexual needs.

[wsim]

There are days when I am hopeful that I can find someone, other times when I feel like giving up.

 

At this point, I really don't know. I am skeptical that it will ever happen for me, although you never know.

[stayClimbing]

Let me ask you all a question:

 

What is a man to do when he's already been on three dates with a girl before she sleeps with him (and the man held his emotions in check the entire time with this process taking a few weeks to develop) and the man thinks to himself, "Well, I actually like this girl and want to see more of her!" Oh and she's all graduated now too.

 

However during the dull periods when he's not seeing this girl, he goes on a few dates with another girl to see if he's deluding himself and realizes that this other girl isn't really all that the guy initially thought she was.

 

Now to really make sure he understands, he meets yet another girl and takes her out too, just to make sure he isn't making a mistake with his otherwise guarded emotions. Turns out, his feelings are still pretty much the same!

 

I fully appreciate and understand this rushy pushy thing, but I assure you I'm not doing that. That's an old mistake I used to make all the time. Matter of fact the girl that called me and told me the romantic interest stuff? She called me again asking me when we were hanging out again. Shoot me!!! What the flip am I doing wrong here in this circumstance? Somebody give me a hand.

 

I should add also that MD Geist and wsim, I understand exactly how you both feel. I really do. 23, 26, 28... it doesn't look well

[Clio]

However during the dull periods when he's not seeing this girl...

 

Could it be that you are not happy with the rest of your life and therefore you are looking for someone to take away your unhappiness? No one should be made responsible for your happiness. If that is the case, that could mean that you are giving off a 'needy' vibe, which is not attractive. Apart from meeting girls, do you have other things that you are passionate about? Hobbies? Because it sounds like you have been focussing solely on the 'relationship' aspect of your life and have neglected other ways of having fun.

 

In addition, when you meet a girl you like there is no need to have any relationship talks for a while. Let things flow naturally. Just observe their actions and have fun without trying to define things. If they keep saying yes to spending time with you and it feels like a relationship for a while THEN you can have the talk. That should be WAY past the third date. I think that you need to relax and stop trying to pace things. Good luck!

 

P.S. What worked for your parents will not necessarily work for you. You are not your parents. You are a different individual. Please, try to let go of that fantacy. It was a very rare occurrence as it is and a very different era for them.

[laboheme]

When I was freshly out of college, I also had the "I want to be in a relationship" mentality, and I took things way too seriously. Every time I went out with someone, I got emotionally attached and started envisioning dating that person seriously. Naturally, I ended up down in the dumps when things didn't work out.

 

Strangely, what helped me is dating around. By going on multiple dates with multiple people, I gained a lot of confidence and learned how not to treat every person I go out with as a potential significant other. Which is not to say that I was sleeping around, or that it was my goal to sleep around. But it took away some of that intensity that I used to have and that surely reeked of desperation to my dates (which is never attractive!). It also helped me avoid wallowing in self-pity, because I knew that even if things didn't work out with one guy after a few dates, I'd get a chance with someone else the following week.

[stayClimbing]

I have a few hobbies... Climbing, playing basketball, going to the gym. All fitness related. I focus more time on myself than I need to I think. I don't know actually...

 

I try to not give off the needy vibe at all, I give people space, try to make our hangouts fun and interesting but I don't know!

 

And I am unhappy with part of my life. I am unemployed, how the hell can I find a job? I apply to 20 jobs a week, nobody contacts me. How many jobs does s guh apply to before giving up? And it's been like this for a month! And I'm applying to jobs that are in my field of study too! I'm so frustrated. Nothing works for me. I feel like such miserable failure. Can't find a job, can't get a girlfriend. What can I do. Ugh.

[catfeeder]

I feel like such miserable failure. Can't find a job, can't get a girlfriend. What can I do. Ugh.

 

I'd skip the girl thing until you find work of any kind--even temp jobs. The approach to take into dating isn NOT 'I'm a failure, please like me..." and this is true of anyone who unemployed. It's just not the the right frame of mind, and if you attempt it anyway, you're more likely to keep compounding a failure mentality--and that's not what you're trying to build.

 

Forget online applications--they're a black hole. Devote at least 3 mornings a week to physically visiting employment agencies, temp or perm. Pace yourself and jump through all the hoops. The paper work mountain. The basic skills testing. The whole deal.

 

That completes your folder, and THAT makes you employable.

 

Nobody wants to know you unless and until you complete their full folders. So start a radius closest to home and work outward. Dress up in the costume, apply in the morning, then reward yourself with something fun and motivating after you get out of there.

 

When you do this at least 3 days a week, your anxiety will drop--because you're moving a brick in the wall with each application. Do it regardless of whether any given agency has anything 'at that moment'--you'll want to be the hottest person they've seen when something does come in--and it will.

 

I did this after completing my masters degree, and the agency most far away from me that specialized in the creative field, for which I had zero experience, where the director basically told me he had no idea what to do with me--the place most likely to be the biggest waste of my time--phoned a month later and placed me in a 'temp' job from which I sold myself while inside and created my own position. I've been there 7 years.

 

You never know what can happen when you shoes actually hit the pavement.

 

Head high.

[LoveSoDeep]

You're just out of college...I'm sorry but what I think you need work on is patience.

 

In this world not everything is instant like a text message or an e-mail you can get anywhere anytime from your phone. Jobs take time and relationships take even more time than that. Also you're young and many women in your age group aren't looking for anything serious right now....maybe that's how it was when your parents got married that's not how it is today most women are 26-30 before they get married now. Relax you have plenty of time.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should primarily focus on getting a job.

[Snny]

My dad told my mom the night he met her he was going to marry her. They've been married for idk, more than 20 years now.

Different generation then compared to now. This happens RARELY and BOTH members have to reciprocate the same feels. Personally, I would get the "desperation creepy vibe" if a guy told me he plans to marry me upon the first meeting.

 

And I am unhappy with part of my life. I am unemployed, how the hell can I find a job? I apply to 20 jobs a week, nobody contacts me. How many jobs does s guh apply to before giving up? And it's been like this for a month!

Only 20 applications? I've been sending out nearly 500 applications last summer when I had three years of experience for the same position. You just graduated... no experience... you aren't quite marketable yet. Be patient and something will come.

 

Stop beating yourself up. If you are unhappy and feel like a failure, people around you can sense it. Work on yourself first before you look for girls.

[stayClimbing]

I just got back from an amazing weekend in the City. I'll be completely honest. I learned a lot about myself from this weekend. I have absolutely no idea what I want. All I know is right now I need a job (or to get into professional school). I have more questions than answers right now and just don't know what to do about anything. Looking back, I don't even know why I made this topic. I can't handle all this stress. I dug myself into a hole with several girls and now they all want attention and time, combined with some friends who I haven't seen in a long time (but am moving in with) I just don't have the time or the resources to budget anything. Even my parents are killing me about not spending enough time with them. ugh. Is this normal??

 

I missed one post which I think is important:

 

 

 

My biggest fear, absolute biggest fear. I have a degree in Molecular Biology. I'm interested in possibly going back to school for a PhD but I'm so horrified that if I get a job in an unrelated field, it'll be impossible for me to go back and get my PhD because no professor would want to sponsor me. I'm trying so hard, nobody understands really, to get a job. I'm hitting up all contacts, doing whatever I can but nobody is biting. Does anybody have any experience with this?