Asking Maid of Honor to Step Down?

[HeartGoesOn]

Now my gut says that I would want her to step down as MOH and maybe just have her as a bridesmaid. I feel like I cannot trust her as I thought she was my good friend. My MOH has to be 100% there for me.

 

I understand that you're upset, but this would be treating her as an object, rather than a human being.

[abitbroken]

Umm are you kidding me? Did you not read the post? I had nothing against him until he said nasty things to me, threatened to beat up my brother saying nasty things, and ruin an engagement surprise, and saying more nasty things to my fiancé. So yes I do not like him. I am far from a bridezilla. I did nothing to him. He disliked me from day 1, even before I met him, which was ONE time.

 

if you had a problem with her being MOH, you should have asked her to step down way back when. What he did was right before you got engaged - it did not happen yesterday. Asking her to step down for something HE did back then and then punishing her NOW for it IS being a bridezilla. If you had asked her to be MOH and then reconsidered early on because of her ex, then that is one thing - but now - the dresses have been purchased and fitted, hair has been decided - it is the final count down.

 

Instead of punishing her by kicking her out of your wedding - you should have a heart to heart about why texting him hurt you and not PUBLICLY humiliate her so late in the game. You WANT people to talk behind her back. What he did way back then is water under the bridge now because you continued having her as your MOH all this time.

 

Be a good friend and just have a heart to heart about why you are concerned for her - don't publicly stone her and put her up for spectacle! You will make this situation the center of attention this late in the game

[sweetooth]

What we are saying is you're taking your dislike of him out on your friend.

 

Well if she chooses to associate with people like him then we have different values. Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate it. I have my answer.

[sweetooth]

Fair enough. I will have a heart to heart with her. But I am not a bridezilla

[abitbroken]

They had an off and on relationship. Both very emotionally volatile it seems but she has come a long way in regards to her moods. He eventually moved to another state for work. Maybe emotional abuse on both sides but no physical abuse that I know of. I will ask her. I think she just loves any attention she can get, which from my observations in various situations.

 

Emotional abuse leaves bigger scars than physical sometimes. I don't think you should pry and decide that you have sympathy for her if it was physical, but not if it was "just emotional." Nor should you ask her about it. She is away from him. Did you read my post at all? it leaves scars and it is hard - sometimes its baby steps to free yourself. If you want to talk to her being a concerned friend and you really are concerned for her welfare that is one thing but if you are going on a fishing expedition to humiliate her further or diagnose things ("she probably abused HIM too" ) then you need to stay out of it. Stop looking for what is wrong with her. If you want to be more distant after the wedding, fine, but don't pick her apart right now.

 

 

I think she just loves any attention she can get, which from my observations in various situations.

 

Pot, meet kettle. In this thread YOU strike me as wanting attention for what you are thinking about doing. A sensible bride would save her friend the humiliation versus making her what is most talked about.

[Seraphim]

Lots of victims of domestic violence don't tell anybody. If he threatened you people with physical violence he has probably done it to her and she is probably afraid to leave him as he may have threatened her . People also get caught up in abusive cycles which is probably why she's still talking to him.

 

Abitbroken is right you don't punish people months and months later for something that happened eons ago that they did not do. That is publicly shaming her and it makes you look extremely vengeful. You will both get talked about behind your back.

 

If physical violence was threatened the police should have been called. Would you have wanted her to be hurt in trying to " have your back ?"

[abitbroken]

Fair enough. I will have a heart to heart with her. But I am not a bridezilla

 

you WOULD be if you kicked her out as MOH at 2 weeks to go for issues that are OLD. We are trying to stop a potential bridezilla. The only acceptable absence at this point of a MOH would be that she is in the hospital. Or her plane was grounded and she can't get another flight. An old animosity that you just decide is a problem now is bridezilla-ing it up, esp if she has apologized to you for something she didn't need to - as it was not something she did

[abitbroken]

 

If physical violence was threatened the police should have been called. Would you have wanted her to be hurt in trying to " have your back ?"

 

Oh yes, with an abuser, if she defended you to him, she might get a whole night of being ripped apart and screamed at - at best. Or she could get her car mysteriously not start when she wanted to go see you. The thing her ex did could have been something he did to try to isolate her from you. Abusers like to isolate their victims. My ex used to tell people I just met about things I did that were untrue or very private and the next time I saw them i couldn't figure out why they went from liking me and inviting me places to avoiding me. They like people to have no friends. He could have done that not to be mean to you, but so she would lose you as a friend and to cut off one more lifeline for her

 

And its easy to want to blame the abused person for bringing it on or being "two to tango" and that they must abuse the other person too, and that is often not the case

[sweetooth]

You are twisting my words. whar i meant was i never thought about if there was physical abuse. both are bad. All I will say is this isn't helpful advice as I'm not looking for what's wrong with her etc. I asked for advice if I should ask her to step down or not and this thread is deviating.

 

Anyway thank you all I am done with this thread now and got what I needed.

[abitbroken]

You are twisting my words. whar i meant was i never thought about if there was physical abuse. both are bad. All I will say is this isn't helpful advice as I'm not looking for what's wrong with her etc. I asked for advice if I should ask her to step down or not and this thread is deviating.

 

Anyway thank you all I am done with this thread now and got what I needed.

 

I am glad.

 

But that is how it came accross. Trading drama for more drama.

 

I am hoping you felt you have gotten some good insight from people.

[Amandacast57]

I have to agree with this others. I think you are handling this in a very immature and childish way.

 

Re-read what you just wrote. You want to ask your MOH to step down, AFTER she put in the time, effort and money to throw you a bridal shower and bachelorette party, because of actions her EX did?

 

I can understand if it upsets you if she told him personal things about you, but 99% of couples share "gossipy" details with each other. Have you told your fiance anything personal about someone you are friends with? I bet you have.

 

And a lot of people have trouble moving on from an ex. Even though your friend knows what your ex did, sometimes people with low self esteems are "trapped" in abusive relationships. I highly doubt she is intentionally speaking to her ex to upset you.

 

I think as her friend, you should talk to her about how you feel.

[Fudgie]

I can understand not wanting her as a MOH, absolutely.

 

But you shouldn't have made her MOH and then have her do the parties and THEN drop her as MOH. That's just beyond rude, IMO.

[Moontiger]

This exactly.

 

It is coming of like your upset that you cannot control who she talks to. That's not a friendship and it would be very rude to just use her for the grunt work and the kick her to the curb.

[rosephase]

No offense but you kind of sound like a bad friend. He ex used personal info she had told him to attack her friends. That is -horrible-, deeply deeply troubling behavior and your reaction is "why is she letting this happen to ME". Your friend sounds like she needs help and support that she is stuck in some kind of relationship or communication with an abusive guy who is trying to separate her from her friends and is willing to go way out of line to do so. And you want to kick her out of your wedding? Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself for a moment and think about your friend. Reach out to her. Put aside your own hurt and be a good friend instead of pushing her away because she is going through a hard time and it upsetting for YOU.

 

Her ex sounds dangerous and, yeah I would find it deeply upsetting if I knew that about a friend's ex and she was still in contact with him... but you are blaming her for what she has done to YOU YOU YOU. Instead of looking on layer deeper and being worried about the woman who you cared enough about to want to be your Maid of Honor in the first place.

[sweetooth]

I can understand not wanting her as a MOH, absolutely.

 

But you shouldn't have made her MOH and then have her do the parties and THEN drop her as MOH. That's just beyond rude, IMO.

 

This exactly.

 

It is coming of like your upset that you cannot control who she talks to. That's not a friendship and it would be very rude to just use her for the grunt work and the kick her to the curb.

 

 

 

 

She told me she had stopped talking to him after the incident. I only saw that she was texting him during our bachlorette party so in reality she never stopped even though SHE told me she stopped (I never asked her to stop, she just told me so). So I was annoyed she was texting him during out time to have fun with the girls. I just told her I found it extremely hurtful. Also I never asked her to do anything or expected anything. I never wanted the whole wedding shenanigans, I just want those I care about to be there to support my fiance and I.

 

Obviously you guys will not have the whole picture anyway so I am going to stop posting. I do support her and have in many ways. But like I said, you guys do not have the whole picture anyway so this is moot. I just want to say thank you to those who actually had some good advice.

[Edmund Exley]

She told me she had stopped talking to him after the incident. I only saw that she was texting him during our bachlorette party so in reality she never stopped even though SHE told me she stopped. So I was annoyed she was texting him during out time to have fun with the girls. Also I never asked her to do anything or expected anything. I never wanted the whole wedding shenanigans, I just want those I care about to be there to support my fiance and I.

 

Obviously you guys will not have the whole picture anyway.

 

Maybe she had stopped and started again AFTER you asked her. Maybe he is harrassing her non-stop.

 

Seems to me by all your replies is your bigger issue is you don't really care what others think, only what YOU expect

[Fudgie]

She told me she had stopped talking to him after the incident. I only saw that she was texting him during our bachlorette party so in reality she never stopped even though SHE told me she stopped. Also I never asked her to do anything or expected anything. I never wanted the whole wedding shennanigans, I just want those I care about to be there.

 

Obviously you guys will not have the whole picture anyway.

 

I understand where you're coming from but the simple matter is: a) she paid for all this crap for you and b) while she's doing something that is making you upset, it's not an outright betrayal.

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable to throw out the MOH even after she pays for the parties if she, say, sleeps/tries to get with your husband-to-be, steals from you, is genuinely wrecking everything, etc. But this is not one of those times. She does not OWE it to you to not talk to him. You are welcome to be upset but since it's not an outright betrayal and doesn't really affect you, you can't throw her out AFTER she's spent all this money on you.

[Furbys]

It is too late to tell her she cannot be Maid of Honour. I understand the reason behind it but this is something you should of told her earlier. Take into consideration that by doing this you will cause a lot of gossip about her and you and do you really want that on your wedding day? Its supposed to be a happy day you dont want to be wondering why people are whispering.

 

Everyone has different morals and values, yours being that you believe you shouldn't be friends with an ex who has said nasty things. Well thats ok if you want to believe that but she doesnt have too. I had an ex who said a lot of nasty stuff about me (all lies to make himself look like a victim) and all my friends decided to stay friends with him. Yeah i was annoyed that my friends wanted to be friends with a blatent liar but at the end of the day it is their choice. If we all stopped being friends with someone who has done something bad then no one would have any friends.

 

You dont know whats going on in her head. It may be that he is/was emotionally or physically abusive to her and she still feels that she has to be in contact with him. It may be that she just wants to stay friends with him because she wants to be his friend. It isnt your business in all honesty.

 

But cut her some slack, you dont know exactly what is going on in her life, you have left it too late to 'demote' her, dont put a downer on your wedding day.

[agent1607307371]

Just drop her.

 

 

But after her doing all this work and putting all this time in, people are going to want to know and I don't think this is something that you will come out of looking particularly good. You are being petty and you will look it.

[sweetooth]

The trouble with these forums is this. I am not a bad friend so thanks but no thanks to you.

[sweetooth]

Just drop her.

 

 

But after her doing all this work and putting all this time in, people are going to want to know and I don't think this is something that you will come out of looking particularly good. You are being petty and you will look it.

 

 

Again you cannot see the whole picture, but thanks. I am not being petty.

[abitbroken]

Obviously you guys will not have the whole picture anyway so I am going to stop posting. I do support her and have in many ways. But like I said, you guys do not have the whole picture anyway so this is moot. I just want to say thank you to those who actually had some good advice.

 

You are right we don't. But as far as wedding etiquette goes - you can choose to punish her and bring drama and gossip on to your wedding or you can choose to leave her where she is and let the joy of the marriage and the special day overshadow it with no guests being the wiser.

[sweetooth]

I would like this thread closed please. I have received what I needed and at this point the thread has run its course.

 

And to update, I am having a heart to heart with her and going to enjoy my wedding. She will be my MOH and I will let life take its course.

[abitbroken]

I would like this thread closed please. I have received what I needed and at this point the thread has run its course.

 

And to update, I am having a heart to heart with her and going to enjoy my wedding. She will be my MOH and I will let life take its course.

 

I am glad. Congratulations on your marriage

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.