Asking Maid of Honor to Step Down?

[sweetooth]

Hi guys, I could use some advice. I am getting married in 2 weeks and I am considering asking my MOH to step down. She has done a good job with the bridal shower and bachlorette party, however...

 

Right before when my fiance and I got engaged, my MOH's ex boyfriend sent nasty messages to me basically tell me that my fiance was going to propose, stating nasty and VERY personal things that my MOH had told him about me that were said in confidence to her. Her ex also sent nasty things to my brother (threatening to beat him up, etc.) and my fiance as well. I have done nothing to him. By the way, he is 35 years old and she is 23.

 

I decided to distance myself from her during that time and her apology seemed more about her and how she was sad about the situation. Despite this issue, she had been a good friend and we've known each other about about 3.5 years. She is younger than me and still has some maturing to do, which is reflected in her actions. She loves attention.

 

Anyway, fast forward to my bachlorette party which was a week ago, I saw her texting her ex boyfriend, the one who said the very nasty things to me. I had let it slide until today. I bottled this up for a week and yesterday I got angry and told her that I can not trust her anymore because of this issue. I cannot choose her friends but I can choose mine and I thought good friends were suppose to have your back.

 

Now my gut says that I would want her to step down as MOH and maybe just have her as a bridesmaid. I feel like I cannot trust her as I thought she was my good friend. My MOH has to be 100% there for me.

 

What are your thoughts and advice? Thank you.

[pinkelephant]

Well, you would be severing the friendship entirely if you do that. Would you be okay with that?

[martymoose]

not to come off as rude but why did you ask her to be your MOH in the first place? My advice: you only have two weeks left, just stick it out. If you need help with a MOH duty ask another bridesmaid but you dont need a big blowout of drama right before your big day. Keep her as MOH but make sure she is not stealing your spotlight. Remember you have other girls in your life that are there for you and can help you out.

[Edmund Exley]

A. Nothing is ever kept a secret. People always share with their SO.

 

B. I understand the betrayal of trust you feel, but the majority of the things causing this drama are of her ex's doing, not hers. Are you prepared to not get over it with her forever because of the betrayal of trust? I can understand why you would be angry, but are you indeed prepared to lose your friend for good? That is how it will play out. If you think under other circumstances you would forgive her anyway, then I would recommend not asking her to step down.

[amipushy]

It was HIM causing the problems not her. For all you know he may have been hassling her too. Everyone speaks to their partner when things go pear-shaped with friend, we use them as a sounding board- Much like you are doing here now. I would stick it out, because its just one day of your life and you will come accross like a Bridezilla and lose your friend in the process.

[Batya33]

If you do this then how would you go about reimbursing her for the time and expense she put into being your MOH until two weeks before the wedding? I don't think you can demote her to a bridesmaid -either you say nothing or end the friendship but I do think you offer to compensate her. I don't think what she is doing warrants your type of reaction. I do think it was a mistake to ask her in the first place given the history but since you did I think you need to live with your choice.

[Seraphim]

I think she is the monkey in the middle here. She's also not responsible for his actions. Expecting her to be responsible for his actions really won't get you anywhere. If you want to have a big blowout do it after your wedding. If you have a blowout with her now there is the possibility she may tell you to go stick your wedding somewhere. Would you have time to find another bridesmaid and another dress in two weeks if she tells you to stick your wedding because you had a fight with her?

[ThatwasThen]

It would be extremely rude of you to demote her. "She has done a good job with the bridal shower and bachlorette party, however..." However nothing. Sever your relationship after she's performed the rest of her duties that you've entrusted her with that so far she's done a good job with.

 

You can choose your friends but you have zero say in who she chooses to keep or not keep in her life. Decide if you want her in your life after you're married.

[Edmund Exley]

I think she is the monkey in the middle here. She's also not responsible for his actions. Expecting her to be responsible for his actions really won't get you anywhere. If you want to have a big blowout do it after your wedding. If you have a blowout with her now there is the possibility she may tell you to go stick your wedding somewhere. Would you have time to find another bridesmaid and another dress in two weeks if she tells you to stick your wedding because you had a fight with her?

 

I assure you she will tell you to stick it. This isnt a career, people dont accept demotions and hang around.

[Seraphim]

Also you're assuming that she would accept a demotion. I know I wouldn't. I would be telling you to find another Maid of Honour and I am not being a bride's maid so find another one of those . She has a choice in that matter you know.

[sweetooth]

If you do this then how would you go about reimbursing her for the time and expense she put into being your MOH until two weeks before the wedding? I don't think you can demote her to a bridesmaid -either you say nothing or end the friendship but I do think you offer to compensate her. I don't think what she is doing warrants your type of reaction. I do think it was a mistake to ask her in the first place given the history but since you did I think you need to live with your choice.

 

My family has paid for 95% of everything as she is a student and I considered her family so she will not be losing out financially. Dress, makeup, hair, bridal party and bachlorette party paid for 95% by my family from day 1.

 

Yes I understand it is HIM being nasty, however she choose to affiliate with him even though he had hurt a good friend of hers. I guess I don't understand why she continues to communicate with him. I believe it's for attention however for me personally....

 

If another friend or ex of mine, threatens my good friend's family and says very nasty things to her, I would stop talking to that person as I would not want them as a friend. But, that is me and not her so I guess I see what she values.

[sweetooth]

"You can choose your friends but you have zero say in who she chooses to keep or not keep in her life. Decide if you want her in your life after you're married. "

 

That's what I said earlier about her choosing friends. She can choose who she keeps in her life and if she values people like that, then perhaps I have my answer.

[sweetooth]

I am not assuming that she would accept this. I am trying to weigh my options here which is why I am here asking for advice, and thank you for those who have replied thus far. I am not taking this lightly, again which is why I am here to see what others think because I know it can end the relationship.

[Edmund Exley]

So it sounds like the bigger issue here is you are disappointed that she hasn't done what YOU would do or expect her to do. Yes, I think you should remove her from the wedding. I don't expect you two will be friends for long anyway.

[sweetooth]

not to come off as rude but why did you ask her to be your MOH in the first place? My advice: you only have two weeks left, just stick it out. If you need help with a MOH duty ask another bridesmaid but you dont need a big blowout of drama right before your big day. Keep her as MOH but make sure she is not stealing your spotlight. Remember you have other girls in your life that are there for you and can help you out.

 

This is true and perhaps it was my mistake to ask her in the first place. I did not want a wedding to begin with, I would have preferred to elope but that is not the point of the thread.

[Seraphim]

Well you can choose to suck it up for two weeks and have your wedding go as planned or you can do something about it now and have your wedding not go as planned those are the two choices basically. Just remember a messed up wedding will not be just your embarrassment to bear but also your husband and his family.

[pinkelephant]

Did he threaten you like physically? It seems like an over-reaction, but I'm wondering if the ex was really aggressive and made you feel threatened? Can you talk more about that?

[Seraphim]

My family has paid for 95% of everything as she is a student and I considered her family so she will not be losing out financially. Dress, makeup, hair, bridal party and bachlorette party paid for 95% by my family from day 1.

 

Yes I understand it is HIM being nasty, however she choose to affiliate with him even though he had hurt a good friend of hers. I guess I don't understand why she continues to communicate with him. I believe it's for attention however for me personally....

 

If another friend or ex of mine, threatens my good friend's family and says very nasty things to her, I would stop talking to that person as I would not want them as a friend. But, that is me and not her so I guess I see what she values.

 

If he threatened you and your husband with violence he probably did violence to her just think about that.

[abitbroken]

I think it would be rotten to ask her to step down 2 weeks before the wedding. if it had been a year off, then I would say go for it. But SHE did not act nasty to you. I might tell her "hey, I know that you are still talking to your ex. That is your choice, but what he did still really hurts. I can't choose who you talk to, but based on the way he treated me, I worry about how he treats you. I can't control who you like, but i ask that on my wedding day, I would like you to not text him or talk to him during our party/ceremony".

 

If you dump her now, it creates a big drama. It will end the friendship or hurt it badly. That is what everyone will talk about at the wedding reception and afterwards. you will look like a major b for sure.

[abitbroken]

This is true and perhaps it was my mistake to ask her in the first place. I did not want a wedding to begin with, I would have preferred to elope but that is not the point of the thread.

 

No, it was not a mistake. She is a good and supportive friend and her ex made a mistake. He is not her. I was a woman who was dating an abusive man and unless you have been in those shoes, you cannot underestimate the hold and abusive man can have on someone. I will never be stuck in a situation like that again - but they go through a mean and then incredibly sweet cycle just as you are about to walk away that makes you think they have changed. Or he could be threatening her. I think you should be supportive of your friend, but just don't condone him by not allowing him around. I wish some of my friends had supported me rather than walking away because they didn't like my ex - they didn't have to spend time with him or counsel me,etc... he did things to them i was unaware of but it would have been nice if they gave ME the benefit of the doubt that I was not like him even if they set a boundary by only seeing me alone until i was able to be strong enough to get out of it.

[superfan]

You cannot control her actions, or who she chooses to associate with. It sounds like she has been in contact with this guy since before you asked her to be your Maid of Honor so basically you knew what you were signing up for.

 

I understand being frustrated or confused as to why she continues to keep someone in her life that seems to be damaging. I understand being concerned for her. But you cannot dictate her behaviour and all asking her to step down will do is sever the friendship.

[Moontiger]

Honest opinion is your being a bridezilla. You are thinking of ruining a friendship because she was texting with a guy you don't like. It's not like she asked that he come to the wedding.

 

Take a deep breath and apologize to her.

[sweetooth]

Honest opinion is your being a bridezilla. You are thinking of ruining a friendship because she was texting with a guy you don't like. It's not like she asked that he come to the wedding.

 

Take a deep breath and apologize to her.

 

Umm are you kidding me? Did you not read the post? I had nothing against him until he said nasty things to me, threatened to beat up my brother saying nasty things, and ruin an engagement surprise, and saying more nasty things to my fiancé. So yes I do not like him. I am far from a bridezilla. I did nothing to him. He disliked me from day 1, even before I met him, which was ONE time.

[Seraphim]

What we are saying is you're taking your dislike of him out on your friend.

[sweetooth]

They had an off and on relationship. Both very emotionally volatile it seems but she has come a long way in regards to her moods. He eventually moved to another state for work. Maybe emotional abuse on both sides but no physical abuse that I know of. I will ask her. I think she just loves any attention she can get, which from my observations in various situations.