what is the first date decorum on paying?

[ChellyV]

I dated a person my age today, and it was a disaster. He made sure I paid half of everything (movies, coffee, restaurant bill afterwards).

 

Our restaurant bill came out to be $48. He dropped $30 and said that is generous enough isn't it. What a turn off. I was carrying cash and really intended to offer my share. And by the way, he asked to go out, not me.

 

So before I get myself through another disappointment, can the board tell me what really is the dating decorum these days?

[Moontiger]

Whoever does the asking should pay.

 

This guy sounds 1) Cheap/penny pitching 2) Rude 3) Jaded

 

I would not go on a second date.

[Ms Darcy]

His rudeness is enough of a turnoff to avoid another date.

[Lambert]

I agree-- that was rude and he seems jaded. Not fun at all... I think there are ways to handle the money aspect of dating that doesn't have to come accross petty and cheap... Most of the time the guy pays-- in my experience, but I always make sure I bring enough cash to pay for whatever. I try to be gracious about the money aspect and just get through an awkward situation.

 

I probably wouldn't see that guy again... Just because I would be uncomfortable with the jaded aspect. Like why date if you are against women? I try to be open and if the other person isn't, that's a turn off.

[MapleCanuck]

He was rude. If he wants to go cheap, just ask to take you for a drink.

[Jeffbobo]

First couple dates should be Dutch as you're getting to know each other. Thereafter, the guy should pay most if not all the time. For me, if a woman expects me to pay for everything on the first date, then that is pretty telling.

[Moontiger]

First couple dates should be Dutch as you're getting to know each other. Thereafter, the guy should pay most if not all the time. For me, if a woman expects me to pay for everything on the first date, then that is pretty telling.

 

IMO, if you do the askin' you should do the payin'. Genders be damned! Lol. If a guy asked me out and didn't pay I would consider it rude, if I asked a guy out I would go into the date expecting to pay.

[Zuri]

IMO, if you do the askin' you should do the payin'. Genders be damned! Lol. If a guy asked me out and didn't pay I would consider it rude, if I asked a guy out I would go into the date expecting to pay.

I wholeheartedly agree with moontiger. I disagree with the poster before that. If a man asks me out then yes I expect him to pay. As I get to know him and I begin suggesting outing then I (and he) feels comfortable with me paying. Most men I know would be embarrassed to let a lady pay on a first date, especially one initiated by them (the men).

[ChellyV]

Exactly! On first date men should pay and succeeding dates decide as a team. I am OK with spending really..but first dates are crucial to setting the stage and keeping the ball rolling. Gone are the days when men try to impress. Its like take it or leave it ...oh well....

[Moontiger]

Exactly! On first date men should pay and succeeding dates decide as a team. I am OK with spending really..but first dates are crucial to setting the stage and keeping the ball rolling. Gone are the days when men try to impress. Its like take it or leave it ...oh well....

 

Well,the fact that he asked you means (IMO) that he was taking on the responsibility to pay. If you had asked him, then you would have.

 

Throw this one back to the sea.

[shellyf62]

Just be thankful you found his flaw so early. Some try to hide behind a veneer of niceness!

I went on a first date once where the guy ordered what he wanted, turned to me at see what I wanted, then just walked away from the bar, leaving me and the bar man amazed. I paid for the drinks, finished mine at the table with him, picked up my bag & walked out, never to contact each other again !!!!

Ahhh, I could write a book on my dating experiences

[fragmint]

Even if you were ok with going dutch and paying half - the problem here is obviously how rude he was, how crass he was when he paid, and how he acted around the issue.

 

 

You said it was a disaster - I'd let this one go and not waste time on another date.

[Jeffbobo]

Hmm... If I ask someone on a date, it is my responsibily to pay? Makes it sound like I am buying something. I think this really depends on the situation.

 

if I'm meeting someome online for the first time, the first date (IMO) is really not a date at all. We are meeting (coffee, drinks, etc) to get to know each other and see if there is chemistry. This case has always been Dutch. Though rare, there has been a couple times where woman have paid in this situation, one saying she wanted to be guaranteed to meet me again so that I would pay for the next. If all goes well, I tell her I'd like to see her again and if I've listened in our conversation to hear that she's loves to ski or would like to learn how for instance, I will call her in the next couple of days and tell her we're going skiing (an actual date) which I pay for. If on that date, she is thoughtful and slips away to surprise me with cocoa, then that's a sign she's into me. Not because she spent money on me but she's into me enough to add to the date experience. If after skiing for a couple hours, I'll suggest we grab a bite to eat, which I'll pay for. If we didn't meet online but say at a dance class or something face to face, then this would be us getting to know each other and if I asked her to do something outside of that context, I would plan it and pay.

 

I usually setup most dates and follow up dates with woman I date. Within those dates and through conversation, I listen to figure out what she may like to do for our next date. I'll even suggest a date that may push her comfort level but give her a choice by also suggesting something more in her comfort zone. All of this I pay for so she doesn't have to worry about it, it's not a point of contention and she can enjoy the experience.

 

As a guy, it's my responsibility to provide the adventure, whether it costs money or not. And I think who pays depends on the situation as well as on if its the first date, the fifth or if you're in a relationship.

 

This has just been my experience.

 

Oh... And I do agree that what the origional guy did was rude.

[Not a rookie]

I dated a person my age today, and it was a disaster. He made sure I paid half of everything (movies, coffee, restaurant bill afterwards).

 

Our restaurant bill came out to be $48. He dropped $30 and said that is generous enough isn't it. What a turn off. I was carrying cash and really intended to offer my share. And by the way, he asked to go out, not me.

 

So before I get myself through another disappointment, can the board tell me what really is the dating decorum these days?

 

Don't date scrubs. They are as greedy with their love and they are with their money. I mean it is not like he is a 18 year old college kid for heavens sake. I could understand if he was a college kid trying to make the ends meet. Decorum for all times=men pay. If they come up with a reason not to pay, they are not for you.

[Realitynut]

Even with a 'meetup' i think a guy should pay. I have come to the realization tho...that some guys don't believe that...sooooo....the last time i liked a guy (and only time in 2 years! lol) I told him, if i LIKE you i will let you pay...if i DON"T, i insist i pay MY HALF cuz i don't want him to feel like he was taken advantage of...cuz i was never going to see him again!

 

I am VERY big on the guy paying at restaurants, then i bring food over to the guys house, or cook for them. Plus, usually if i go out with a guy...they make double the money i do, so i would rather cook them a meal....or take them somewhere that doesn't cost a lot of money, but shows him a good time!!

[zep]

Whoever does the asking should do the paying. I think this is not just for dates. If you invite someone to go to dinner with you in a business or 'personal but not close friends' context you should also pay.

[zep]

Hmm... If I ask someone on a date, it is my responsibily to pay? Makes it sound like I am buying something. I think this really depends on the situation.

 

if I'm meeting someome online for the first time, the first date (IMO) is really not a date at all. We are meeting (coffee, drinks, etc) to get to know each other and see if there is chemistry. This case has always been Dutch.

 

I agree the first online dating meetup is different. I think its only normal if each person pays for themselves for that. But usually that's just a drink or a coffee anyway right, just to see if there is chemistry. The subsequent dates I think would be whoever asks, pays.