Is it a lost cause once a man hits 40?

[Aries73]

Let's face facts, finding a partner at 40 cannot be a plausible task--society just looks askance at people nearing my age who haven't found anyone. So what can a single man do to make the 40s at least tolerable besides resign himself to an insane asylum and be treated like a mental invalid?

[Edmund Exley]

Meet my wife the year I turned 40. Married at 41. New baby at 42. Its never too late.

[surfjon]

Really man??

 

I'm 47 and having a blast......I'm recently outta a 5 year relationship and moving on pretty well....

Go out and live, don't catastrophize....when we are looking desperately for someone, we never find anyone.

 

I meet more women out when I'm just chill and aloof, if I intend to go meet girls, forget it....

 

I volunteer at a large dog rescue facility and meet many sweet girls, face it....most girls (and guys) volunteering for whatever are usually pretty decent, cool people.

 

I go out with girls from 30-50, I love the chase! Don't be down man, just be yourself and don't put out that defeatist vibe, girls pick up on it whether you realize it or not!

[savignon]

Meet my wife the year I turned 40. Married at 41. New baby at 42. Its never too late.

 

I think this is a more and more common experience. People meet quality partners in their 30s/late 30s/early 40s all the time.

[Huntress0527]

Met my husband when he was 36. Married him at 38. 1st baby on the way now and will be 40 when born. Prob will have number 2 when he is 42 if blessed with another.

 

It's never too late!

[ParisPaulette]

Not at all. I am 57, the current boyfriend is 63 and we met a year ago or so. I would say it gets better over time since we're both a lot healthier emotionally than we were in our earlier years. Toss out the idea that relationships are for the young since it isn't true and never has been. My own grandmother found love and children at the tender age of 45 after her first husband died.

[Batya33]

Two male acquaintances of mine got married (to women not to each other ;-) at age 45, last year (first time for both). I got married at 42-same age as my husband -first marriage for both. I know of other couples who met in their late 30s or early 40s and got married -happily married, lovely people. I can't relate to what you wrote in your post.

[SapphireNoir10]

I don't think so no. My dad was nearly 40 when he met my mum who is 15 years younger than him and they have 2 kids and have been married 20+ years.

[needhelp6]

Aries, what seems to be the biggest issue? I'm mid 40's recently started dating and quite honestly, it doesn't seem that bad or I should say bad at all. I'm currently focusing on one gal, however, the pool seems to be pretty good if I wanted to expand.

[Clio]

Let's face facts, finding a partner at 40 cannot be a plausible task--society just looks askance at people nearing my age who haven't found anyone. So what can a single man do to make the 40s at least tolerable besides resign himself to an insane asylum and be treated like a mental invalid?

 

Given that you are a man and not a woman, your fear is rather unfunded. If you were a woman with a biological clock ticking away like a time bomb THEN I might be able to sympathize. I don t know where you live but where I live society has that kind of sad treatment reserved for women. Men get away with it at least until past age 45 or 50. Ι am pretty sure there are plenty of women who would be happy to marry a man your age. If you have trouble finding any, your age is not the reason.

[Cherry009]

Blimey, i wish i could fast forward to my 40s because it damn impossible to meet someone in ur 20s. All you 40+ sound like you are doing well!

[Aries73]

Given that you are a man and not a woman, your fear is rather unfunded. If you were a woman with a biological clock ticking away like a time bomb THEN I might be able to sympathize. I don t know where you live but where I live society has that kind of sad treatment reserved for women. Men get away with it at least until past age 45 or 50. Ι am pretty sure there are plenty of women who would be happy to marry a man your age. If you have trouble finding any, your age is not the reason.

 

To this I counter with this: single women 40+ are usually seen as "cougars" in a good way as of late, single men 40+ lately have been seen as creepy or undesirable. That movie "40 Year Old Virgin" wouldn't have been too believable a comedy if men 40+ had it as good as you believe.

 

I want to believe everything you posters say isn't atypical but It would have to happen to me in order for me to know it to be real.

[lilypadgirl]

I want to believe everything you posters say isn't atypical but It would have to happen to me in order for me to know it to be real.

 

Although it is real for others that have experienced it, it's a fair point. Still, you're not yet 40, so although you can't confirm that you will have a decent time attracting females when you're 40+, you can't confirm that you won't either. So why stack the odds against yourself by taking on a negative attitude? You can choose to believe the best too. Many things in life are a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Nightdriver]

Nah, it's true. I'm 40 and the only thing I apparently have success at picking up recently is 60 year old men (for some reason, they flock to me. I guess they see me as "one of their clan," aka "the creepy old dudes at the bar.")

[pcmodemtcg]

Aries,

 

Well, I am 40 (almost 41) and for me at least, I would say your assessment is correct. You are right about the "40 year old virgin" reference too - I've never had a relationship myself and only 3 dates thus far (all one and dones, no kiss goodnight or anything). Maybe this isn't your experience, maybe you have had relationships or dates, but I have a lot of excess baggage and I have never had the looks or the money that women all want ( yes, I know others will say that this is not what all women want, but I would tell them to look around and smell reality ).

 

I do hope you can find somebody and I hope that my future isn't yours, but if not, then know that you are not the only one out there in this boat.

[ParisPaulette]

I think alot of it may have to do with where you live, what activities you do, and the type of person you're trying to get with. I'm sure I'd get accused of being creepy if I'd spent time on the local college campus trying to chat up 19-year-old guys and I'm a woman. A very obviously old enough to be their mother type of woman I might add. I didn't really focus on age, but have to say I did go on one or two dates with drastically younger men and it was a disaster, because we had nothing in common. I met the current boyfriend at an art class. He had zero interest in the younger women in the class who showed him no interest either. Where I saw a handsome silver-haired artist they saw someone who was their father or neighbor or grandfather. More power to me.

 

If you live in places with high superficiality like Los Angeles, well good luck. In a land where more than one of my male friends would get blatantly asked "how much do you make" or "what's your latest film project" only to have the hot girl never return his calls after the initial date it doesn't take one long to realize it's not a very friendly city for most ordinary mortals. Personally I gave up dating altogether when I lived out there after I got divorced and I was fairly young and attractive at the time--i.e. mid-30s, but I wasn't an 18-year-old starlet and I didn't make enough money or have a large enough rack to attract most of the men there. I moved to the Southwest a few years later and voila, I was instantly popular girl since there was a derth of single women in my small town. Although I still had to sort through a few bad apples before meeting up with my current boyfriend.

 

It's always a crap shoot to some degree no matter what you do, male or female, regardless of age. But I'd freeze in Hades before I'd ever try dating in Los Angeles. No thanks.

[lemondust]

Aries...I am 30 and would date a 40 year old guy, so long as I was attracted to him of course. I've always preferred older men, and generally find them more interesting than younger ones.

 

Please don't worry about the number....the number doesn't define who you are.

[lemondust]

Aries...I am 30 and would date a 40 year old guy, so long as I was attracted to him of course (and that attraction isn't defined by how good looking he is, but simply is there a spark, do I like his company etc). I've always preferred older men, and generally find them more interesting than younger ones.

 

Please don't worry about the number....the number doesn't define who you are.

[Zulnex]

I also agree - it's just a number. Definitely not a lost cause when you turn 40.

[friendsoulmate]

Let's face facts, finding a partner at 40 cannot be a plausible task--society just looks askance at people nearing my age who haven't found anyone. So what can a single man do to make the 40s at least tolerable besides resign himself to an insane asylum and be treated like a mental invalid?

 

I'm 43, and I know what you are going through. The only thing I do socially, is go to a meetup hiking group, and that way I can be assured any interesting woman I happen to meet there, cares about being physically active. Besides being older, the challenges I have had with dating, when I started trying the personal ads to get dates, starting at 28, is not much different than today. I didn't live (and still don't live)in a place with good employment opportunities for adults in their 20's and I believe this has contributed a lot to my past failures. I will feel best about my future, if any future children I have, can be raised in a place closer to a large city, or a city with a low unemployment rate, in their 20's, so they can have better employment opportunities, than I had in my 20's.

[SometimesShy]

Single men 40+ lately have been seen as creepy or undesirable

 

You're only creepy if you act creepy.

 

I am in my 40's and am pretty shy around women, but I know well enough that you have to be direct in expressing your interest to a woman, or you will come off as creepy.

 

Also, flirting with women that are too young for you will also come off as very creepy. ( half your age + 10 years, would be the lower limit for a man who is fit and dresses well )

[Jeffbobo]

Hmm... I'm 44 and doing quite well. I was divorced after 23 years of marriage. I was faithful and devoted in my marriage and believe this mindset has helped in the dating world. What I mean is, when you are not focused and consumed with finding someone, you will find someone. You're not going to find someone sitting around though. You have to put yourself out there. Meetup groups and volunteering are both great ways to meet people. And you have to look at it as just that. You are out there meeting new people, both men and women. Get out there, be confident and experience life and things will fall into place.

[Throwaway999]

I think it is funny all the people mentioning Meetup groups - I looked into them and there are some singles groups that are "20s and 30s" and the age cutoff is 39! Then there is a 40-60 group! Hilarious. It's like, I bet there's some 38 and 39 year olds in there who are really sweating it. "Have to meet somebody this year, or I'll get put on the ice floe!"

 

Most of the meetup groups looked extremely boring to me. I find that when I'm out and about, meeting people in the normal places I actually WANT to be (not in artificially constructed things like these groups) that age never really comes up. I hang with a wide range of people, from way older to way younger. It seems like most people assume I'm younger than I actually am because I'm in pretty good shape (for an American). So, I guess I could sneak into the "20s and 30s" group if I wanted to. But I don't really want to.

 

I look at it this way: I am not exactly a conventional guy, and I figure the woman for me is also going to be pretty unconventional and isn't going to be worried about what "society just looks askance" at, or what is a socially-acceptable age to find somebody.

[Ms Darcy]

That sounds like code forr I want a younger woman.

[Slimpee]

I wonder where this feeling of being stigmatized comes from? Is it just your reaction to your situation or is there really a bias against 40-yr-old guys.

 

Im seriously curious. A lot of guys if all ages write abt how society is working against them because they're 40 or 30 or overweight or dont buy into traditional gender roles or whatever. Ive always wondered if perhaps the commonality running through these threads is perspective and attitude.