Loneliness and Failure with Women

[Blearn]

I'm not so sure if this topic is in the wrong sub group. If so my apologies. It's a bit confusing.

 

I'm 31 years old. I live in Northern England. I'm relatively happy, I have hobbies that keep me occupied, a mortgage, a job and the usual life. I've only ever had one girlfriend, and my whole life has been very depressing and unsuccessful in respect of my connection with the opposite sex.

 

I'm short, about 5,3 and I'm not particularly good looking either, despite what my mum says. I don't drink alcohol or do drugs. I am my own man and I see myself as an original. I'm not into the typical Northern English vein indie rock image, (attention seeking, local rock star proving tattoos included), and I also hate the generic macho-machismo imagery men & women around my part of the world seem to endorse, and therefore I am probably considered to be different from most.

 

I've always wanted to be popular with girls, even more so as I've grown older. I find them attractive and I enjoy their company, *well, some of them*. My core friends who I grew up with have all moved on; house, marriages, kids etc. And understandably life becomes ever more lonely and banal. As I stated, I enjoy hobbies which I take seriously, however life without contact and success with the opposite sex feels extremely unfulfilled and sexually frustrating.

 

I only ever had one year long relationship throughout my entire 20s, and my 30s hitherto are so far riddled with equal failure and unhappiness in my dealings with women.

 

I'm here to get this off my chest. I'd never talk openly about my feelings with anybody I know, and there's little else way to vent honesty about the way I feel.

As I get older I can see dating, development of friendships and relationships seems to become even harder. I live in a very stereotypical Northern English city in which people leave school, meet somebody and settle down. Social expectancy and banality is the doctrine in which most live by. And I've never enjoyed the attention received by men who are considered to be sexually attractive by most women. My lack of success tells me all I need to know.

 

So....why am I here? I suppose to try and obtain some advice or help. Especially in respect of how I may be able to meet women. Please bare in mind - I have plenty of hobbies and things I focus deeply upon, and I live in Northern England, not vibrant L.A, London or Paris. However I need to fufill a part of my male needs that are currently void of any attention. And I am feeling more lonely, outcast and unhappy by the day.

 

I tried internet dating and sent out about 50 messages over a month to women spanning a 30 mile radius, some local, others from outside of my city. Not one reply. I changed my photo as a test to a more attractive 'hunky' male, and within 2 hours I suddenly received 8 replies. Of course I took the results of my test no further, because what I needed to know seemed to stare at me dead in the face.

 

I don't know where to go from here. My social life is more or less dead, and I need to do something. Soon.

Thanks

[Edmund Exley]

You seem quite unhappy where you live. I've been to Newcastle and loved it, but I didnt live there. Have you considered a move?

[BrianH46]

You set out to be an original so you must realize that it will take someone as equally original in order to find that attractive. My advice for you is to not be so judgmental of other people or else you in turn will be judged just as harshly and rightly so. Lastly just keep trying and putting yourself out there, keep a humble perspective and keep notes as to why it is that you failed in order to learn from them. Good luck.

[becomingkate]

Hi Blearn!

 

I grew up with male friends that were 5'5" and less and they had such a hard time meeting women, mostly due to their height. The more outgoing one often did better than the one who was shy, but he still struggled a bit with self esteem. Eventually, both married and they're still together with their SO's.

 

Have you ever tried a specialty dating site? There is one in the UK that is specifically for men under 5'8". Have a look around:

 

link removed

[wolflovesmoon]

Confidence and nothing but confidence. anything else, you have most of it. a stable job, you seem active and have hobbies, and you started you are original, it will take someone as original as your self to recognize that and want to be with you, no body is ugly, we are all beautiful in a different way, a man can be attractive but not cute like Justin briber ( whatever his name is) once you establish self confidence you will rock, i would suggest try online dating and be open to meet people from diff races and places, good luck

[agent1607307371]

I too live in Northern England, and I don't recognise the place you're talking about. What exactly are your hobbies? Do they get you out and around other people, women?

 

Seriously though, if you hate where you live, move somewhere you think might have what you're looking for. But remember, wherever you go, there you are.

[SpiritofFire]

Cool advice. I never really thought about height issue, but it appears that yourself esteem is suffering from it. Darn women can be picky indeed. I recommend hit the gym. I am 27 myself and I am happy to be by myself, women give me a headache these days.

[Ms Darcy]

The height is probably yoir biggest issue here sorry to say. A lot of women prefer guys who are a bit taller. But I like what Kate and Brian said.. Seek women who do not mind and stay humble.

[Blearn]

I don't mean to be sinister or with no motive when judging people, but I've lived with the same fate of being judged because I am not like those around me. Vein men (and women), but particularly men, who spend their time at the gym, adorning themselves with pretentious tattoos and basically projecting an insincere view of themselves is something I cannot get with. The hilarity intensifies when you discover many of these macho-hunks have kids and yet spend more time preening themselves than bestowing attention upon their own flesh and blood. And unfortunately women around the North of England seem to be bowled over by the disingenuous, vein modern male. Anyway, I can't do anything about that.

 

I'm a musician and I make music alone. I have played some shows in the past, I'm hoping to play more this year - but before I hear the usual 'you'll be knee deep in groupies' line, thanks, but from the 14 or so shows I've already played, that really isn't the case. I've never had one girl post-show offer me any kind of compliment or interest. Maybe they like my music, but they're sure not too fussed in giving me any attention once they've laid eyes on me.

 

I'll try online dating again. Even though the whole process is depressing and fruitless. And I concur that despite my City being as dull as it is, it is not my enemy. It is the fact I seem to have lost all forms of social gatherings and friendships, often resulting in venturing out and meeting more people, that causes me to feel as though I am in a rut. I have no social life. And no dates or girls who are even interested in me.

 

Visiting the city next door only highlights the need for shallow unrealistic imagery and a show of money, if I am to fit into this newly gentrified state of affairs.

 

I am very confident. Confidence isn't the issue for me. Height, looks, and a dead end social life seem to be my biggest plagues.

[Blearn]

"Seek women who do not mind and stay humble."

 

And how do I find out if a women has no problem with my height? Do I walk around with a sign detailing my request? I'm sorry to seem as though I am being sarcastic, but quite often women play men around like rats caught in the clutches of a cat.

I've been on dates with 2 women over the past 2 year who OSTENSIBLY had no issue with my height. And that was true. Because they just wanted to hang with me as a friend. The kind of lame man that they're not going to sleep with, have no sexual feelings for but can seek an intelligent conversation when and where their fickle demands arise.

 

Of course not all women are like this. But finding girls who are sexually attracted to me and will not continue to waste my time or feelings, is incredibly hard. If I knew where the girls were who enjoyed the idea of dating a short man, I'd be there.

[Ms Darcy]

That is why I liked the site suggestion from Kate ... that is a potential pool right there.

[Blearn]

When I message women on dating sites I take my time to conjure something up that portrays me as interesting, relatively intelligent and articulate. Courtesy and consideration are part of who I am, not the usual 'how ya doing love?' crap. I take time to input the description covering her interests etc, and I receive nothing in return. Lying about my height description will only potentially serve me with egg on my face when/if the time comes, and my visual appearance is the one I was born with. I cannot change what cannot be changed.

Sometimes I do feel like lying. Fabricating my entire existence with little to know remorse or fear, even if the idea of meeting up was discussed. But honesty is part of my personality and as bad as things are, I see no valid reason to accord lies and dishonesty with success.

 

I'm not looking for love, marriage and 2 point 4 children. Just a girlfriend to have fun with. 31 and one success. Dire.

I'll look into the aforementioned link. God, I feel like I'm part of a freak show.

[Blearn]

I had a quick shuftie on the under 5 8 site, and unfortunately there's barely any members. Most seem to be men or suspicious pictures of beautiful African women who seem a little too good to be true. I'll keep exploring, but I'm not too hopeful with this one.

[Blue Spiral]

Height is indeed your main challenge. Unfortunately, people tend to exaggerate their strengths and downplay their weaknesses, online, and that could factor in here. I've always been honest about my height (5'6). But some of the women I meet are shocked that I'm the height I said I was--they thought that if I was willing to tell them something "that bad", the reality must have been even worse than I was letting on. Sad to say, I could easily see some women thinking you're actually shorter than 5'3, by that logic, which would hurt your chances even more.

 

I wish I had some advice for you, but I've never had much luck attracting women, either.

[JNapier24]

Depends on which online dating websites you are using of course, however, I say for the most part that is a bad idea. Online dating puts far too much emphasis on appearance, as you have already discovered. A lot of people are looking to "hook up" on these websites and are just looking for "eye candy". My suggestion is to find a new hobby that will allow you to meet new people, make new friends and allow you to socialise with these new friends. That way you can put yourself out there the right way, using your personality in order to strike up conversation with women and stimulate them intellectually.

 

I feel your pain, however, this dating malarkey and trying to find this "once in a lifetime love" is emotionally exhausting and VERY humbling.....

[Blearn]

We live in the new female-commandeered world in which females live happy promiscuous sexually satisfying lives. They are the choosers; judge, jury and executioner. And men are the cattle. The tall, good looking are selected for dating, one-night-stands, casual sex, marriage.

The ugly, short, unattractive are generally treated like damaged cattle. No use for the shop shelves.

 

Get used to it. Because things are only going to become worse.

[quirky]

I wanted to say about you being a musician and not having girls coming afterwards to say something..I have been to gigs where I think wow, these guys are good and I wish I could start up a conversation but I get a bit shy. I am not usually shy at all but I become like that because I sense a power dynamic that the performer is 'above' me and I don't like it. It sounds irrational but I'm just being honest. And any time I have gone up to the artist it never results into something they just say thanks. Well...apart from comedians who are all half crazy and awkward..lol

 

I saw this guitarist/comedian the other day and he was short I tell you, I'm 5' 3 too, but he had long-ish hair and was super hot, great clothes style too and I wish I had the guts to go speak to him. I looked at him a couple of times but nothing. So you never know..someone might like you when you're on stage. Just try and look really approachable when you step off.

 

There's nothing you can do about the height and it sounds like you are a clever guy. Are you cheeky though, a bit naughty..? Cos that goes a long way.

 

Are you really against drinking? Because again..I think in England that helps. I am not from here but I like to drink and I am 100% certain this has helped me integrate in the society better. I have been on dates with guys that don't drink and it reduces my attraction sadly. Can you have even just one drink, one beer?

 

One last thing. You say you are 31 but not looking for something serious. If I read that on a dating website I would move on straight away, it might be putting girls off them thinking you are at the 'marrying' age yet you just want fun.

[Ms Darcy]

We live in the new female-commandeered world in which females live happy promiscuous sexually satisfying lives. They are the choosers; judge, jury and executioner. And men are the cattle. The tall, good looking are selected for dating, one-night-stands, casual sex, marriage.

The ugly, short, unattractive are generally treated like damaged cattle. No use for the shop shelves.

 

Get used to it. Because things are only going to become worse.

 

People cannot always help what they are attracted to. Most women will be attracted to men who are average height to tall. Most men will be attracted to women who are not obese (slender, curvy, somehow fit).

 

It goes for both genders.

 

Yes, you are going to have a harder time due to your height. But it's not because women rule the world. It's because men and women select partners they are attracted to.

[Coily]

We live in the new female-commandeered world in which females live happy promiscuous sexually satisfying lives. They are the choosers; judge, jury and executioner. And men are the cattle. The tall, good looking are selected for dating, one-night-stands, casual sex, marriage.

The ugly, short, unattractive are generally treated like damaged cattle. No use for the shop shelves.

 

Get used to it. Because things are only going to become worse.

 

I would say more demasculineized than female commandeered, and let's be realistic women have always done this so nothing new here. So no need for the woe is me crap on this level, now if you complained about the lack of courtship structure then I'd be cheering you on.

 

The big thing for you to work on is not caring about the women who don't find you attractive. We all have wasted time and energy in wondering why so and so didn't work out, well guess what nothing you could have done would change things. Further more get over yourself, so you're not George Clooney, so what? I'm freshly 30, had just about zero luck and you know what I am just as lonely and frustrated as you; but I don't blame anyone but luck and me not taking more risks in dating.

[Blue Spiral]

People cannot always help what they are attracted to. Most women will be attracted to men who are average height to tall. Most men will be attracted to women who are not obese (slender, curvy, somehow fit).

 

It goes for both genders.

 

Women can lose weight. Men can't gain height.

[Raiden]

I'm short, about 5,3

5'3" is definitely on the short side. I'm "only" around 5'11" and there's plenty of guys who are taller than me these days. I feel for you, in a completely un-patronising way.

 

If you feel your appearance is what's holding you back, there's no reason why you can't work with what nature has given you, though. Hit the gym, if you don't already. Even if it doesn't yield good results in your love life, I can almost guarantee you'll feel better about yourself, regardless.

 

The tall, good looking are selected for dating, one-night-stands, casual sex, marriage.

The ugly, short, unattractive are generally treated like damaged cattle.

Poor argument to postulate a female-dominated society with.

 

Women face exactly the same dilemma. The prettier she is, the better odds she has of finding a partner, even if it's not going to be what decides it.

[Blearn]

Fair point regarding 'unattractive females'.

I suppose it's my ignorance to assume that only

Men suffer from this constant judgemental shallow culture.

 

I don't mind drinking one or two ciders, but why is it such a big deal?

I missed out on girlfriends and regular sex in my 20s, & the thought of marrying the first used-up has-been I end up connecting with, doesn't bode well with me. I'd rather approach dating with a mindset to have fun and to enjoy youth - as well as offering tbe usual loyalty and honesty, but without the disingenuous ' life partner', family planning bull****. Especially when such types of women are 'settling'.

Seems so many women have happily played the field before SETTLING for a husband, now it's my turn.

I'm not interested in marrying some tart who wouldn't have looked twice at me in her hey day.

[Nodrog]

Fair point regarding 'unattractive females'.

I suppose it's my ignorance to assume that only

Men suffer from this constant judgemental shallow culture.

 

I don't mind drinking one or two ciders, but why is it such a big deal?

I missed out on girlfriends and regular sex in my 20s, & the thought of marrying the first used-up has-been I end up connecting with, doesn't bode well with me. I'd rather approach dating with a mindset to have fun and to enjoy youth - as well as offering tbe usual loyalty and honesty, but without the disingenuous ' life partner', family planning bull****. Especially when such types of women are 'settling'.

Seems so many women have happily played the field before SETTLING for a husband, now it's my turn.

I'm not interested in marrying some tart who wouldn't have looked twice at me in her hey day.

 

I can totally understand why you might feel a little bitter about how things have gone for you in the past with women but I think you've let yourself slip into having a pretty bad attitude towards dating/women by the sounds of it. I think a lot of people (including myself) let this happen at some points but I'd bet you're letting it slip out and ruin chances for you without you meaning to.

 

Very, very few people are not shallow to some extent. Some are completely shallow and some are only a little. If you feel that's something which is making it harder for you to get what you want then I think feeling sorry for yourself is only going to make things 10 times worse.

 

Some women will write you off as a potential partner on looks alone without ever getting the chance to know you. Unless you're Brad Pitt then that's going to be the case for any man, the only difference is the numbers who'll do it. If you're being honest with yourself, you'll admit you do the same thing. You just have to properly accept this at a fundamental level and not let it bother you. Or get over it quickly when you do.

[quirky]

I'm not interested in marrying some tart who wouldn't have looked twice at me in her hey day.

That's a huge assumption, I wonder what you think of yourself...

[wilyone 11]

We live in the new female-commandeered world in which females live happy promiscuous sexually satisfying lives. They are the choosers; judge, jury and executioner. And men are the cattle. The tall, good looking are selected for dating, one-night-stands, casual sex, marriage.

The ugly, short, unattractive are generally treated like damaged cattle. No use for the shop shelves.

 

Get used to it. Because things are only going to become worse.

 

Similarly, men are primarily attracted to young women. Older women are at a big disadvantage in the dating pool. Men don't face the same challenges in the age department. It evens out.