Man, I remember when I first came here...

[MattW]

I respectfully disagree because your actions are inconsistent with wanting to change. Or perhaps you "want" it but are not willing to take the actions to implement the desire.

 

I don't even understand what that means. If I didn't want a different life, why would I post here so much that I do? Why would I keep coming back and lamenting over it? Why do I sit here feeling like my heart is going to explode because of how sad and lonely I feel? Why do I practically cry myself to sleep every night wishing I had a life? If I didn't want things to be different for me, I just wouldn't care. I'd just float on through life being blissfully ignorant.

 

Like I said, there's some kind of disconnect between my conscious and my subconscious. My conscious mind hates the way my life is, but my subconscious is hellbent on keeping myself alone and miserable. For all intents and purposes, my mind is ****ed. It's broken, and from my perspective, it's too broken to fix. Which is a terrifying thought. I don't want to live out the rest of my life with a broken mind, but there's no way to fix it.

[camus154]

Like I said, there's some kind of disconnect between my conscious and my subconscious. My conscious mind hates the way my life is, but my subconscious is hellbent on keeping myself alone and miserable. For all intents and purposes, my mind is ****ed. It's broken, and from my perspective, it's too broken to fix. Which is a terrifying thought. I don't want to live out the rest of my life with a broken mind, but there's no way to fix it.

 

Do something about it then.

[Wayfara]

Sounds to me you don't have the energy to motivate yourself to make changes. Lacking energy might be a symptom of depression, you don't believe you can make it so you give up before even trying.

 

As your brain makes up excuses to not do anything I think you should do things anyway. Start with something small, like going to the gym twice a week. Your brain might say you will never get strong or that it's boring waste of time but you can do it anyway, without exceptions of excitement or getting stronger, you can do it just because, to surprise yourself. And even if you don't believe in yourself you will get physically stronger by exercising as it's inevitable by the laws of the universe. Then when you see you are capable of changing, as in changing from physically weaker to stronger (and it doesn't matter by how little), you might start seeing that change is in fact possible, even for you. That might give you energy to motivate yourself to make one more small change. You can choose another small change to start with other than going to the gym but if you can't make something up then going to gym is an easy start. Tell yourself to go there, not because it's fun, it might not be, not because it you want to get muscles, you might not care about them, go there because you can. Showing yourself that you can is what you need in my opinion.

 

About wasting our time, we voluntary read your threads and respond to them, no need for guilty feelings.

[abitbroken]

I am not saying you are acting weird around them, but you are narrowly focused on one at a time - the one girl was your "ideal girl" so you were extra crushed. If you haven't dated anyone, you really don't know what your perfect girl is. You might have things you are attracted to, but as you date, you get attracted to other things or find out certain qualities are a better match for you. When you meet girls, you have to have the mindset of looking at what is good about them, and then going out with them rather than only going for them if they are your ideal.

The act of dating tells you what else you need to know and then you decide if you are suited. So, don't be afraid to get to know the girl who doesn't have the right hair color or is 3 inches taller than you would like but has a great smile, or the girl that is really focused on the same hobby that you have but she's 5 years older and you are not sure about that., Going hiking or getting coffee is about getting to know someone.

 

I also think you should pursue having more guy friends. Participate in a hobby or a sport to make new friends. Guys who have mostly female friends get friendzoned a lot easier. Also, some women do not want to date you because they will assume that there is competition or that you will tell your female friends everything. I would never date a man again who has a lot of female friends and no male friends. I have been down that road and its unpleasant. It created inappropriate emotional sharing about our relationship, where I would have been more comfortable if he didn't share, or if something was really bugging him, he went to a respected male. I also foudn that many of his female friends were women who turned him down and he tried to be friends with and they were friends - but there was always that tension there because there was attraction on his end.

 

Also, if you have more guy friends that get to respecting and liking you, they open the door to sisters that they would approve of you seeing, the young woman they grew up with, etc.

 

I also think you need to change your game. Don't wait to ask someone out a year later after knowing them. You need to ask questions early on to find out if they are single, to find out what they like to do.

 

 

 

Well, its not your subconscious. Its' your refusal to change.

 

If you are lonely, then you have to start doing other things and change your patterns.

 

How do you make friends? A lot of my friendships started because people saw me around a lot - and just started including me. We could have had a class together, go to the same events for a particular hobby, etc? Do you play a sport? The easiest way to meet new friends is to join the community basketball, soccer, etc, team for your age group. Do you want to learn something new and take a class? What about volunteering? You may not meet all people who are exactly your age, but you will expand your network of people big time.

What about a book discussion group? When people like what you have to share, they'll get to know you.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

You do not want to go to therapy because you are afraid that you will become a better person because of it. That can be the only reason.

 

And honestly, this forum will never help you get over yourself. Why? Because all you do is whine. You never really want advice or heed it.

 

If you want someone to put up with your whining, you may as well pay them to do so.

 

And while you are whining to your therapist, you may even become a better person.

 

And finally, I am not telling you not to use this forum. I am simply saying that it is a useless resource at this point.

[abitbroken]

And finally, I am not telling you not to use this forum. I am simply saying that it is a useless resource at this point.

 

Because you don't take any advice from anyone who speaks from experience. You don't look at the suggestions of seeing a therapist or even just putting yourself out there and trying to do new activities to meet new people. You just want to tell people why what they are saying won't work or why you are hopeless. That is what you want to hear, right? You want people to say "oh, you poor guy, the world is against you, the women who rejected you are evil, etc." and you want romance to just fall in your lap without working at it. I would not have met my first boyfriend if I hadn't shared a class with him or had a similar hobby. Now you need to go out and do things.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, you need therapy.. even if you don't know exactly what is wrong with you maybe they will be able to figure it out. You won't have to know it all to explain to them.. that's what they're there for, to make an educated guess. Even if you don't completely believe in it, it may work anyway. It will work better than coming on here anyway, since now people are starting to get annoyed with you and it will probably make you feel even worse than before..

[Batya33]

Because sometimes it's easier to vent/complain/have a pity party than to take action. Many people suffer because they want certain things to be different and get benefits from that type of suffering (whether it's attention from others, an excuse to be passive, whatever). Hating the way your life is a step in the right direction only if that motivates you to go out there and do what you need to do to change that. But you're using it as an excuse to do nothing and claim that your complaining/venting/self-analysis is "doing something" - you're spinning your wheels.

[Raize]

Because sometimes it's easier to vent/complain/have a pity party than to take action.

 

^This.

 

Maybe you have a part of you that enjoys your solitude just enough to continue procrastinating / self sabotaging, hence holding back on truly making an effort about finding someone for real, at least in this stage of your life.

 

For some people, they have all the good looks and/or charm and charisma and it seems that love always just falls into their lap even when they weren't even trying. I know as I have a good friend who falls right into this category. For the rest of us mere mortals who are lacking in the looks/charisma department, we actually have to make an effort to treat ourselves as a sellable product that needs some serious R&D in the marketing/advertising department so to speak. Us guys/gals more of the 'average joe' / socially inept type are the lesser appealing but still equally loveable product that just need some fine tuning to get ourselves noticed, and indeed putting ourselves out there to get noticed in the first place.

 

Some people don't feel compelled to really try at all basically giving up before even trying, while some people think they are trying but could perhaps be going about it so much better, and end up continuing to wonder why they always fail. Which category do you believe you fall in?