Day 44 of NC. Damn this is lonely

[skynet74]

My girl and I were together for 10 years. During such a long relationship you never actually think there will be a time when you don't talk to each other anymore. If it were up to me... we still would. But she flaked out, lied, cheated and eventually cut off all contact. Claimed she would always want me to be in her life somehow. This turned out to be just another lie in a year that has been full of them. Well... I think I've made it through the worst. I don't cry about it anymore. I don't call her anymore, I've moved into my own apartment, got a new car and have taken a giant step out of her life. Afterall that is what she wanted.

 

It's been 44 days since we last spoke. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails, no visits. Absolutely NOTHING. But I'm feeling pretty freaking lonely lately. Perhaps it's because the holidays are coming up and It will be the first time in a decade that I've been alone. Maybe it's also because I thought after 6 weeks she would at least make an effort to somehow say hello to me. I realize that we both need this time to heal. If there is any chance at all of her and I being friends again...... then I realize we desperately need this time of No Contact. However as someone else pointed out..... It's NOT KNOWING which is the hardest part. If I knew that My Ex and I were going to talk again and at least resume a friendship a couple months down the road.... then I could deal with this a little better. But unfortunately I don't know that. I don't know if we'll ever talk again. I don't know ANYTHING.

 

I have her number. I could call her right now.... But I won't. I have her mailing address... I could send her a Card... but I won't. I could send a TEXT to her cell.... but I won't. I could e-mail her a message...... but .... I won't. I was taught a very important lesson back when we broke up in the spring. When an Ex doesn't want anything to do with you. The worst thing you can possiby do is continue to chase after them. I DID THAT. It did absolutely nothing but chase her further away. Now I've gained control of my emotions and I've stayed in control for the last 44 days. I am hoping that this healing time will benefit us in the long run. That is motivation enough to keep me from contacting her. I'm looking for some kind of positive result to come out of all this. I'm hoping that as each day passes... more and more of her anger towards me will subside. Maybe each day a little more of the good will start to stand out in her mind and more of the negative will take a backseat. It is my sincerest hope that this will actually happen. I'm not looking to rush back into her arms. I don't even think I would want that right now. But I am looking to get back some sort of friendship if at all possible. Yes I miss her. Yes I'm feeling lonely. But I'm still not going to call. The ball is in her court and she needs to make the move when she is ready. No way I'm screwing up 44 days of progress only to have to start over from the beginning again. I'm just feeling pretty empty tonight and needed to vent.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

 

John

[nicholascrack]

Hey John,

 

I just wanted to say how happy I was to read your message! forty-four days is amazing! You realize that sometimes you have to go through misery and lonliness to get the end result. And you even acknowledged the fact that it isn't 100 percent sure you'll even be friends after all is said and done.

 

John, no contact is lonely. But you've already made it this far. I'm sure there has been healing on your side, as well as hers. I hope you will continue to grow and heal. I hope you will at the very least remain friends. I've learned that the ex somehow knows about the concept of no contact, and the fact that she hasn't reached out after that length of time, does not mean she has lost interest or cares about you. It's not what you think.

 

Stay strong, man! You're doing great. The holidays often have a weird way of changing hearts too.

 

Sincerely,

 

Nicholas

[ayekasong]

I'm glad to hear you are doing well. Keep it up, 44 days is a long time and soon you won't even be counting the days because you will lose track. Like muneca said, think of what she did to you. Anger might help you realize it's better to spend those holidays alone than with her. I wish you luck!

[trishcollins]

Hey John, I HEAR you. I am on day 34 and feel pretty much the same way as you do. Although my breakup was very different (no lying, cheating or any of that), it's still a tough break. I also have come very close to calling/emailing -- especially on Sundays, they seem to be the hardest for me -- but I know I will just feel worse afterwards -- because I know I won't get the response I am hoping for.

 

I guess basically it's hard to imagine that someone you were so close to - closer than anyone else -- is simply gone from you life forever. It almost unfathonable that you will never speak to them again or physically see them again, and yet it happens. During my previous relationship breakup (7 years ago), I experienced a horrible feeling that I could not go on if I didn't think I would ever see or speak to him again. It dragged on for ages and ages, and then one day, it was just gone. I haven't seen him in 6 years and never even think about him, someone told me he was married now and it had no effect on me one way or the other. So, in my heart, I know with my current "ex" that I will feel that way too at some point, and that gives me some relief.

 

I don't think however, that any of us in this situation can just shrug it off, because we have to go through a proper mourning period when we lose something that is so important to us and means so much to us. If it wasn't meaningful or special, we would not feel the way we do now. It is all part of the healing process.

 

I know it's hard, but you are doing really well. Keep it up John. I am 10 days behind you all the way!

[Brandell]

I'm with ya man. I did 4 months of NC and then broke down one day after seeing her in her car and send a text to her cell. No reply. I was so angry at myself for doing that but now a further 2 months has passed and I actually feel much better.

 

Funny thing is that unanswered text granted me alot of closure. The what ifs? were answered.

 

Yes its lonely. Yes, there are days when it seem unfathomable to me that I may never see her again but I have to accept that may be the way of it.

 

It really, really sucks and I, like you, have spent MANY a lonely day over this shaking my head in disbelief how someone who claimed to love me so much could turn their back on me so completely.

 

But there you go. As someone once said on this site "If they don't want you, you don't want them". Sure it would be nice to see her again and be friends but that may not be possible. Could I even handle it knowing she is with someone else perhaps? Not for a long time, thats for sure

 

Keep strong

[deebee]

Six months NC and counting! Yes, there are times when it sucks and it seems petty and cruel. But every time I've thought about finding out how she is, or thought about getting in touch I choose not to act on it.

 

Then after while, I look back and realise that it would have been a bad decision. Usually I realise that what I wanted was to get back a little piece of the relationship in some way, relive the connection that we had. And that can't happen now.

 

Most recently I have been wanting to write just to say hello and ask how she is doing in her life. I want her to know that the NC isn't because I'm sulking, or I've forgotten, or she didn't mean anything, or because I wanted to hurt her. Just that it was the best way for me to deal with the break up and move on.

[fantasia2004]

hang in there john we have all been there too.

[jr71]

These emails are really helping me. I'm 14 days not contact - it's tough - especially when they sit 4 doors down from you at work. It's really hard to believe that someone who you could love so much now has no interest in your life. I think about it all the time - I wonder if he does - I wish it wouldn't matter so much. Getting threw the holidays will only make us stronger. After all what's the worse thing that could happen - we all went threw the pain of the break up already. It can't kill us - and Jan. 2 it's all over.

Good luck to everyone.

[skynet74]

You are right. 14 days of No Contact is tough. Congratulations. When my Girl and I first broke up there was no way I could do 14 days. I struggled to get through 3 days! so 14 is great! The only reason I've been able to get through 44 days is because it's been 6 months since we last broke up. She treated me so incredibly bad this past summer that all I need to do is think of that and I don't call. However I also think about how continuing to contact her did absolutely No Good. Then I think about how we need time to cool down and just not talk. Then perhaps we can salvage a friendship out of this in the distant future. So for all those reasons it's just a better option to not call her right now. But YES... IT'S TOUGH. I'm looking forward to January 2nd myself.

 

Good Luck to us All! ;-)

 

 

John

[Quiet_gemini]

I just found this board (whilst looking for advice and getting through a break up!), it's a great support and resource...

 

Congrats on 44 days. Sometimes we have to find closure from within... I hear you on the holiday thing, it won't be an easy time for many of us here i'm sure. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason...

 

Good Luck, Matt.

[densil]

Hi skynet,

 

I'm in an almost identical position to yourself having kept NC for six weeks. And I think you are right about the time to cool down and heal. But from reading your posts I am a bit concerned about your hope for reconciliation. I only point this out because I am similar, and I am trying to give advice to myself as well as to you. I know that I still wonder about her and whats she's doig and if she is thinking about me and if/when she will contact me. I know this is one of the last hurdles that I face. These thoughts have to be forgotten at least pushed to the back of your mind. If I'm honest I think that the only reason that I want a friendship is so that I could develop it in to a full blown relationship. I have a suspicion that this is NOT good! Sounds a bit cliche, but I reckon that its only once we admit to ourselves that there is nothing left to save, only then can we fully recover.

 

OK, I have waffled on there, but in summary, be careful what you wish for, I think it will only be a waste of time and a path to even more heartache.

 

Now, anyone with some optimism!?!? hehehehe

[skynet74]

Thanks densil for your viewpoint. I'm not so sure I want the relationship back again. She treated me horribly towards the end. However it's all the good times I am holding onto. They far outweigh the bad times. I often tell people I Love my Ex for what she "WAS" and not for what she has become. The personality change has been so drastic that it's still hard for me to believe that it is her who has done this to me. She turned into a totally different person. When I think about what she has turned into.... I definitely don't want her. That is not the person I fell in Love with and that is not a person that I would ever want to be with.

 

However I still have times when I feel that she must be undergoing some kind of early midlife crisis or Depression to have such a drastic personality change. When I have that thought in mind.... then I do have the desire to reconcile with her on some level. It would signify that perhaps the EX that I love could return one day. Maybe not likely..... but at least a possibility. So by wanting to be friends with her maybe I am somehow attempting to keep the door open for the future. You could be right.

 

All I know is that I have had many mixed feelings about the whole Situation with the Ex. At this very moment I am still to upset with her to want her back as a girlfriend. It could be anger that never goes away. I don't know yet. I guess I am at least hoping for a sincere apology to lift the tension I feel. Some kind of remorse on her part. Then maybe a friendship. But only if she changes back into the Girl I once knew. Right now.... I don't see any sign of that happening, but who knows what could happen down the road. People not only change.... but also often change their minds. One day you want something then the next day you don't want it anymore... and Vice versa. It can happen in a split second to anybody. So we'll see what happens.

 

Right now I am very open to finding someone new.... so that's a step in the right direction. I am by no means waiting for my lost love to come back. It could be a very very long wait and may never even happen. I do fully realize this. So Let me make it clear that I am not waiting. I just have a distant hope that my Ex could at least return to normal again one day.

 

John