Trying to not get too excited....

[camus154]

No offence, I realize this is an open forum and do appreciate people's advice, but I do feel that you keep trying to crap in my rice crispies every time I mention something positive. Criticism is good but only when it's constructive and isn't aimed at putting an individual down.

 

What makes you think my aim is to put you down, or that what I'm saying isn't constructive? Because it's not what you want to hear, that's all.

 

Look, being positive is one thing, but I think you should temper that with realism. Your sole focus seems to be getting this woman back. And I think that's dangerous, because if it doesn't work out for you, what's going to happen? You're going to feel like you're breaking up all over again. You're going to feel betrayed by her giving you false hope. You'll be in despair once again. And we'll be giving you the same advice we give to everyone going through a break up--hang in there, it just takes time, focus on yourself, yadda yadda.

 

What happened to all the work you needed to do on yourself? Wasn't that why you broke up in the first place?

[rocknrolla]

I am working on me, I've been taking care of financial issues, eating properly, going to the gym, working towards my career and attending counselling to help with my internal issues. I've taken what she has said to me examined myself, why I am certain ways and how to go about making positive change in those areas, but I cannot practice these changes without her only be aware of them, these types of changes I'm talking about are relationship oriented and can't be made on one's own.

[Nattersmatter]

(The fact she loves pool, noted. I say you COULD ask her but I imagine (Like/Like) she's as nervous about the party as you and would time to prepare plus would prefer safety in numbers (and semi-darkness?). Don't know, though. Think the simplest thing is to ask the sister (the one who utterly loves to be useful and needed and re-match-maker) what SHE thinks.)

 

is

 

I couldn't because when I was younger I told a girl I was with I loved her and shortly after she left me, it broke my heart and put a wall up around it.

 

Oh, I SEEEE! This current ex is the one and same person hence makes the exact same moves and decisions (and repeatedly)! You should have said, tsk, cuh...

 

(Feeling silly yet?)

 

I never let anyone in till this girl. I was afraid if I said it again she too would leave me. Stupid I know,

 

No, you DON'T know - CLEARLY. Suggest you spend greater time getting to grips with just how stupid it is until you DO know. The antidote to fears is understanding them as well as facing them.

 

but it took 13 years to find the girl that would bring down this wall and I didn't want to loose her. I had big plans for Canada day weekend to take her ons picnic and tell her, unfortunately we went on a break just before.

 

Oh, lookie. You have plans to remove an old fear but right before the dreaded event, "we" suddenly have a situation that demands a break. Uh-huh...

 

Kin ya till wot it is yit? (- name the artist!)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I watched the movie Silver Lining Playbook, a quote reminded me of something my sister told me. " you have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining".

 

Can't argue with that one AT ALL. I *am* that soldier. Whilst people were stood there saying it couldn't be done, I was already nearly finished doing it aaaand getting the desired results.

 

Within the remits of human reality and attain-ability, you can achieve bloody anything. The only thing - THE *ONLY* THING that can stop you is oneself and ones "Can't do" attitude.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I understand the concept of what a silver lining is, I liked the quote and am using it simply as inspiration that if I do all these things it serves as my best chance of being with her again.

 

No offence, I realize this is an open forum and do appreciate people's advice, but I do feel that you keep trying to crap in my rice crispies every time I mention something positive. Criticism is good but only when it's constructive and isn't aimed at putting an individual down.

 

I don't know if her and I will be together again but with the recent circumstances that have come up I have a shot, and I'll be damned if I'll let anything or anyone get in the way of that.

 

*SWOON!*

 

(Psst! - ladies! - AND he's over 6ft tall!)

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

(Crap in my rice krispies. I love that. Can I borrow it? £How much?)

[Nattersmatter]

(PS - oops! - should add: nothing personal, Camus, hope I didn't o-ffend - I was just impressed with his determination and liked the the term crap in my rice krispies for its cuteness factor.

[rocknrolla]

I'm sorry Natters, I'm not sure if I fully understand what you mean in the second paragraph. But as far as just before the break, yeah we go into a bit of an argument and yes I tucked tail and thought we needed a break so I could clear my head and really figure out what was going on with me. Worst decision I've ever made.

[Elektra22]

Hey Rock,

Just stopping by to say wow been following your progress and you're such an inspiration. You keep on getting back up, are fighting hard, working on yourself and striving towards really positive goals. I think your story has so many fascinating and great chapters coming up! You are doing terrific just keep on pushing thru those hard days so you can end up on top where you're meant to be. I really have lots of faith in you. Hugs and hope Valentine's Day isn't too hard. You're name really does fit you cuz you rock!

[rocknrolla]

Hey Rock,

Just stopping by to say wow been following your progress and you're such an inspiration. You keep on getting back up, are fighting hard, working on yourself and striving towards really positive goals. I think your story has so many fascinating and great chapters coming up! You are doing terrific just keep on pushing thru those hard days so you can end up on top where you're meant to be. I really have lots of faith in you. Hugs and hope Valentine's Day isn't too hard. You're name really does fit you cuz you rock!

 

Thanks Elektra, I appreciate that and hope you're right!

 

I did my security exam today, a little stressed hoping I pass, and I just sent that msg to my ex so now I'm a little more stressed lol. Hope it all goes well today.

[zep]

Thanks Elektra, I appreciate that and hope you're right!

 

I did my security exam today, a little stressed hoping I pass, and I just sent that msg to my ex so now I'm a little more stressed lol. Hope it all goes well today.

 

What message did you send to your ex?

[rocknrolla]

"i just wanted to let you know I'm thinking bout you and I look forward to seeing you at the party. Her sis informed me she's nervous to see me at the party so I thought this would a) let her know she's in my thoughts and B) relieve some nervousness of seeing Mr.

[Shane Falco]

"i just wanted to let you know I'm thinking bout you and I look forward to seeing you at the party. Her sis informed me she's nervous to see me at the party so I thought this would a) let her know she's in my thoughts and B) relieve some nervousness of seeing Mr.

 

Yeesh. I think a message like that could make her more nervous to see you.

[Nattersmatter]

I'm sorry Natters, I'm not sure if I fully understand what you mean in the second paragraph. But as far as just before the break, yeah we go into a bit of an argument and yes I tucked tail and thought we needed a break so I could clear my head and really figure out what was going on with me. Worst decision I've ever made.

 

My point was, although you appreciate that you cannot (what I call) shoot Tiddles for a tiger just because you see one thing they have in common - whiskers - appearing around a corner - i.e. operate with person B as if they actually ARE Person A thus will react the same - you don't see the logic as deeply as you could and should. If you had, if you'd assimilated this truth into ALL layers of your psyche, you wouldn't have expressed the expectation that she'd react the same as Ex A by having made the decision to withhold the trigger action (saying I love you). You'd have been telling her you loved her perfectly freely. Alternatively, if you'd even properly appreciated that the two women were separate entities (despite still holding this scary suspicion), you'd have dared tell her whenever you felt like it, anyway, and not just under the cover of a song whereby you could always claim you just liked singing along to it.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Yeesh. I think a message like that could make her more nervous to see you.

 

More nervous than less nervous *because*....?

 

xoxo

[rocknrolla]

Well I never heard back from her, and the msg is marked as "seen". Just have to see how seeing her at the party goes I guess.

[Nattersmatter]

...but it doesn't matter now, anyway, because - you've just told her you love her in ACTIONS speak (the text of yesterday).... Felt the fear but did it ANYWAY.

 

"Feint heart never won [or re-won] fayre maiden". Brave heart, *did*.

 

Sister is playing go-between (fact). And, going by evidence, not secretly, either - not where ex-not-ex [now ENE for short] is concerned. Sister knows she told you ENE is nervous. ENE will by now have told her sister you sent that text. Sister will tell her something like, 'That must be because I told him you [cough!] might possibly be nervous to see him. He obviously cares that you feel nervous and wanted to reassure you. So he's back to thinking about you over himself, look. That's good, isn't it'.

 

Even if sister doesn't want to admit to ENE that she let you in on how nervous ENE was (in case ENE says, 'You cow - what did you tell him THAT for!!?' (which secretiveness between them, because of evidence to-date, I seriously doubt)), she wouldn't want to let ENE see it in reaction as anything other than what it is (good and loving intent on your part) or else that scupperance would be *her* fault (which she could face reprisals for). So she'll convince her it IS a positive and greatly hope-inspiring sign.

 

Me, I think ENE is well aware of what sister is telling you and when. I actually think sister is under full instruction and is just carrier pigeon, not matchmaker. But either makes for a win/win if you think about it.

 

And the reason I'm sure ENE is fully aware of what sister is saying at any given moment is because - they're SISTERS. No sister who knows she has to 'live' with her sibling for the rest of her life as well as could risk possibly permanent reprisals from the whole family and social circle for having interfered in her LOVE-LIFE of all taboo things without having first had FULL knowledge and pre-approval before any action got executed in your direction, would DARE go that far. She'd have to be suicidal. So ENE knows, you bet your very tall bottom.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Well I never heard back from her, and the msg is marked as "seen". Just have to see how seeing her at the party goes I guess.

 

I imagined you wouldn't. It's not her job to reassure you. It's your job to reassure her. She has to do as little as possible to give you all the room you need in which to properly prove yourself on the score of you being back to your usual self as well as that it's going to be a PERMANENT resumption rather than just some fleeting thing.

 

No worries.

 

xoxo

[Shane Falco]

More nervous than less nervous *because*....?

 

xoxo

 

Could make her think that he's expecting a certain type of interaction and has an agenda for when they meet. Builds up the pressure of the moment and makes it seem less casual, which might put her defenses up. He needs the ex, who has already admitted to being nervous, to be as open as possible. I don't necessarily think that text did that.

 

The "looking forward to seeing you at the party" part was fine, the "I'm thinking about you" part was the part that was too much IMO. He's obviously thinking about her -- he sent her a text message. Saying "I'm thinking about you" is over the top and might make her uneasy.

[squirl]

I would not talk too much more about your intentions, how you've changed, what you will you, plan to do, etc.

 

When you go to the party, just be a perfect gentleman, pull out her chair, walk her to the ladies' room, open doors, etc., dance with her, talk with her, and show her you are a strong MAN who will make her feel feminine and safe through your actions.

[gigginstick]

Chances are this party your talking about will go nothing like your envisioning. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

[rocknrolla]

I don't plan on talking bout us, or what I've done to change, but to be myself which is the man she first fell in love with and hopefully show her change by how I act and maybe open ourselves up to future conversation and hang outs. Nothing more.

[Nattersmatter]

Shane,

 

1. My friend was talking with her and as usual she asked about me [of MY friend who is obviously going to straight away tell ME], he asked her if she was ever going to call me or see me again, she said she wants to and plans on it but is hesitant at the moment because she doesn't want any of the emotional drama, she just wants to hang out and be normal with eachothers. He told me basically to approach it as if it were a new relationship, be calm and just get to know eachothers again, that's what she wants.

 

2. By the end of the breakup she said if she were ever to come back to me she'd want to know that who she came back to was secure and happy with themselves, that the condition I was in was not who she wanted to come back to.

 

3. So I think that what I've been told by her sister and my friend is consistent with what my ex told me months ago. Yes though the only person who truly knows if she'll come back is her, and it may take time after seeing me to decide if that's what she wants. But she is really close with her sister and if there's anyone who would have an idea about it other then my ex it would be her sister. So I do trust that what she says is what she believes based on whatever conversations shes had with my ex.

 

4. And hearing from her sister that I have a chance is enough for me to believe that there is.

 

5. Plus before there were no signs of hope, she was in her "pissed off with me stage", I asked my friend if that was still the case and he said no, that she's cautious around me right now because of how I reacted to the breakup. So thats another thing about this wedding party is it also gives me an opportunity to get her comfortable with me.

 

6. Been NC since mid October with the exception of running into her twice at the bar and txt her New Years Eve which resulted in her calling me [cough!] worried about me [that old cover-story chestnut].

 

7. Latest news is, I ran into her sister a few days ago and she told me my ex is nervous about seeing me at the party. But the good news is she told me that if I get my act together I can get her sister back. So thats what I'm doing now, so that when I see her at the party I can show her that I've made changes. My best friend also talks to my ex and told me about a week before i talked to my ex's sister that he believed I could get her back if I worked on myself as well.

 

8. "i just wanted to let you know I'm thinking bout you and I look forward to seeing you at the party. ".

Her sis informed me she's nervous to see me at the party so I thought this would a) let her know she's in my thoughts and B) relieve some nervousness of seeing Mr.

 

It's called an ice-breaker. It's also called having the b*lls. Someone who's still in a mess, still focused on themselves and their self-protection, doesn't have the b*lls. They say utterly nothing in the run-up to the party. Plus the message sounds perfectly calm (and "normal") and is not exactly miles off what an up-coming first well-mannered and confident dater would say.

 

Old Rockie - the one who needed to get his act together - wouldn't have done that, think about what SHE needed. So it doesn't actually matter whether the message makes her more nervous or not. The more nervous you are, the more the proof that the impending meeting and what it might result in, matters to you. All that matters is it demonstrates he's braver than before, better focused than before, calmer than before.

 

 

It's only when you've done your BEST and not seen success your result that you can then walk away, satisfied, and with your own head held high. So with that his only so-called Lose situation possible, and even then not an outcome that could be called congruent with the recent evidence, I'd say he's sitting pretty no matter WHAT he does (bar puking down her dress on the day, obviously, LOL).

 

xoxo

 

PS: And the agenda, clearly is HERS as much as his.

[Nattersmatter]

I don't plan on talking bout us, or what I've done to change, but to be myself which is the man she first fell in love with and hopefully show her change by how I act and maybe open ourselves up to future conversation and hang outs. Nothing more.

 

...unless she at any point demonstrates there and then that that's what she wants/needs, of course.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Prepare for the best, BEAR IN MIND the worst.

 

xoxo