not "putting out" anymore...

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey all

 

So, being a guy, I'm dealing with a problem with my relationship that is really turning into a big issue. This is our recon relationship; we had broken up in the summer but she ended up coming back. In our first relationship, she was really excited to do and receive oral and manual, and in the beginning of the recon relationship it seemed similar as well. However, that all changed a few months ago.

 

For this next part, keep in mind that I'm an attractive, athletic, talented, and confident guy. I know that about myself and others do too. Being the top of my cross country & track teams, having a good build, being intelligent, being musically inclined, etc. has given me loads of confidence.

 

About 3.5 months ago, she started her job -- she works about 20 hours a week at most, but usually it's less than that. We also go to the same school, and I participate in a plethora of after-school clubs, and run and lift every day after school, along with succeeding in very advanced classes. Although the stresses seem great for us, and we seem busy, we're still able to hang out at least once a week, and go to a party together once a week as well. However, the amount of sexual activity we had suddenly plummeted. Not only that, but the times when we were able, and I made the first move, 3/4 times I was subtly rejected, which really hurt my confidence.

 

Well one night when I picked up the courage to talk to her about it. I told her that I didn't mean to pressure her or take away her right to reject a move, but that what she was doing made me upset and discouraged. I used the phrase, "It makes me feel insecure, and being a confident guy, I know something's wrong when I feel like that, because I shouldn't." Things got a little better for a while, but then the same thing started happening again. We had gone on a trip with my family, and while we were left in the hotel room all alone, we gave each other manual, and it was great. After the trip however, it went back down to zero, and even the physical (not even sexual) flirting became awkward for me (I kind of started to feel rejected again). Again, I told her about it, and we agreed that we would show love in ways other than physical (her terms) and that we would try hard to reestablish some form of physical intimacy (not sex, just showing physical attraction) (my terms). However, this deal did not go well. It seems as if I do show her I love her in other ways, but she does not show any physical attraction, and if she does, it's rare. The romantic talk continues some days, which is good, but it's gotten to the point where I feel like a teddy-bear in my relationship, that's getting the low end of the deal. Whenever I back off and let her make the move, it seldom happens. When I act detached(like I don't want it) it worked at first, but not anymore. Whenever I flirt now, it's seldom reciprocated and it frustrates me like no other.

 

I could have plenty of women: I'm in a position of relative power and am usually very good with women. It bothers me that the one woman I actually want (I feel like) doesn't want me and numerous women want me, while I am dedicated to my girlfriend.

 

We were together for 13 months before breaking up, then reconciled after 2 months of break-up and have been exclusive for about 5.5 months now. My feelings are sporadic. I love her so much, but know that others are more compatible and would reciprocate my sexual feelings towards them. Yes, sexual intimacy is important to me and many other men because it helps us to feel wanted and loved. So now I'm trapped in limbo somewhere and have no clue what to do

 

Best case scenario:

I get sexual intimacy back with my girlfriend and we stay together.

 

Has anyone had experience with this before? Please help

[DN]

I think you have done all that you can but she clearly doesn't have the interest or the desire to change. I think you need to find someone on the same page as you.

[RedDress]

I agree. It does sound like you have done all that you can do. You've talked to her. You've tried initiating. You've been just as attentive as usual.

 

The only thing you could try is to sit down and have one last heart-to-heart with her. Ask her what the roadblocks or problems are and let her know that you are at your breaking point. Don't sugar coat it saying "I just want touch not sex" - let's be real - you want sex too (and I would too). Be specific. What is a normal sex life to you? (This differs for different people). What would you be satisfied with? What is not enough?

 

Some people just have different sex drives. The beginning of a relationship is a bit of a tease because many people want it a lot at first. It's really now - when you start seeing each other as you truly are and not as the "idealized" version of the person - when it becomes real.

 

Either she's just not a sexual person (and contrary to popular myth there are BOTH men and women like this) - or she has serious communication issues - both of which are bad.

[Pleasedonot5]

Thank you both for the replies.

 

Redress, to answer your question, my sex drive merely consists of wanting sexual activity when we're healthy and able to be alone. I have trouble understanding why the sexual activity would stop so abruptly, especially when I've shown her I love her & care for her in many other ways.

 

We just hung out again tonight after one of my men's chorus performances and hanging out with friends. She seemed excited to do things, was pretty sexy, but then her oral wasn't as good as it usually is... I think it's from a lack of practice. I stopped her because she nicked me with her teeth a few times which hurt, and of course she was discouraged after that, which I understand. She acted more frustrated than I do when I'm rejected, so maybe some empathy will result from this.

 

As for the talk, I'm scared to keep telling her the same things again and again, as I feel it wouldn't solve anything regarding sex. I'll keep you both updated as to what goes on. I'm kinda confused, as my relationship feels like one of mania-depression regarding sex. One minute she wants it, then for weeks she doesn't, and then she wants it again more than ever. It's a weird cycle that really confuses me. Any more advice is greatly appreciated, thanks.