CanadianQt Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 A year ago my friend gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and asked me to be his godmother. I was over the moon honoured, before he was born I was given such a privilege and I adore this little man! But I had to have a conversation with my friend about this as I am not a religious person. When he was 6 months old I had the conversation with both my friend and her fiancé about the role I would play as a Godmother. I wanted them both to know that I am not prepared to teach their son about religion or one particular religion and I needed them to specify exactly what they meant by being a "godmother" they both agreed that the idea behind it was if they were to pass away I would then be their son's guardian. The father of my godson is not religious and I would never associate my friend of 13 years as religious either. So the conversation was had and we were both on the same page. In the last few weeks she has booked the baptismal and told her family about it and made me promise that I would be there (as I live in a different town) I obliged of course and said I would most defiantly be there. I would show pictures to all my family and friends of my "Godson". Everything changed yesterday. I will likely have to divulge the rest of the story, so for those of you reading I thank you for being patient. Anyways she texts me to ask me whether or not I am baptised because the "father" is asking. I said no. My parents had never decided to baptise myself or my sister and had us decide when we were older and could understand religion. She said that according to this priest the godparents had to be baptised. I have godparents but I was never baptised. And mentioned that to her. She said that the only reason they wanted to baptise him was so he could go to Catholic School-=- again I said to her, I went to a catholic school without being baptised because my dad was. But she would like to go through with the baptism because she had already told her family that they would baptise there son (even though she already told me for more then a year I was the godparent) So I went from being completely honoured to no longer a godparent in a couple text messages. And just feel weird about it. I’m completely heartbroken over this and feel like she is punishing me because I can’t afford to go to her destination wedding. (Now comes the rest of the story) As I mentioned previously I have known this girl for the past 13 years, we were best friends in high school, roommates you name it. She has burned her bridges with our group of friends but I have stayed by her side often defending her. Since before she even got engaged I was to be her Maid of Honour. She got engaged and asked me, I of course said yes. Then she decides that she is going to have a destination wedding, a destination wedding that would cost me and my other half $4000 to attend (min) so before she decided anything and let me know the costs I called her to tell her that I wanted to meet in person. She knew that I was backing out. I cannot even consider spending that kind of money right now. We are moving this year and both starting new jobs, moving expenses, needing a new vechile..etc! And I could not confirm that I would be able to be there a year from now as I would require a $400 deposit by next month. It broke my heart in a million pieces and I called her crying about it because I never got the opportunity to speak to her in person as she jumped the gun and called me out on it. Since then I have had to tell her at least three times that I could not be there and explain my situation to her over and over again. Every time it would break my heart but she just would not let up. Finally she "understood" and was having a second wedding closer to home (5 hour drive) I vowed I would be there for her no matter what and she asked me to pay for my own bridesmaid dress since I wasn’t able to make her destination wedding she was no longer going to pay for my dress I immediately obliged as I still feel terrible for not making it to her wedding in Mexico. She told me that she was making someone else the MOH.. what could i do? A few weeks later she calls me to tell me that she has now replaced me as a bridesmaid all together - so i go from being a MOH to a bridesmaid at her second wedding to nothing.. And her reasoning was "because it would look bad in pictures" which tore me apart. She knows how upset I am that I cannot shell out $4000 and how badly I wanted to see her get married and now I am not even a bridesmaid because photos wouldn’t match Mexico photos... I am just so upset about this that I feel if I don’t shell out $4000 that we will no longer be friends anymore. She is not having a destination wedding because her family lives far away she is doing it because she knows that people wont come and therefore she will not have to pay as much as a local wedding. I am unfortunately one of those people that cannot attend. But she is holding it against me, and that is where I go back to the beginning of this post, because all this has happened in a week’s span I feel like I am being punished For not attending the destination wedding that I am no longer a god parent or even a bridesmaid. I don’t know what to think. On one hand I want to be there for her and support her but on the other hand I feel like she is pushing me away. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Well people who have destination weddings should not be butt hurt when people can not make it. It is like giving them a $4000 gift if you go AND bring them a gift, that is ridiculous. She has a right to her destination wedding but you have a right to say, sorry can not afford it. She is right though if this child is being Baptized in a Catholic Church, the god parent MUST be a Baptized Catholic.A priest reserves the right to refuse a godparent if they do not feel they have the right qualities. When I became my brother's daughter's God mother I had to give them a copy of my Baptismal certificate AND a letter from my priest saying I was a practicing Catholic. "The Role of Godparents in Baptism & Invitations for Baptism The role of godparent for baptism is based on the role of the sponsor in the catechumenate, which originated in the early church. In the early days, the role of the sponsor is a testament to the integrity of the individual, often an adult, seeking admission into the Church, as well as to assist him during the catechumenate in preparing for these sacraments and in which live a Christian life. For infants, these sponsors also make a profession of faith in the child's name and accept responsibility for educating children in the faith, especially if the parents failed in this duty. About 800 a.d. when infant baptism was truly the norm, these sponsors were called patrinus "or" godfather. " Traditionally, the author identifies a child for baptism as the godparent, godmother or godfather, but the technical term is "sponsor." Under the Code of Canon Law, "as far as possible, one to be baptized is to be given a sponsor who is helping an adult in Christian initiation, or with parents, to introduce a child in the baptism, and to help the baptized to lead a Christian life in harmony with baptism and to fulfill faithfully the obligations connected with it. " This statement clearly reflects the historical roots of the role of sponsor. To become a sponsor, a person must be chosen by the person to be baptized, or by parents or guardians of a child, or, failing that, by the pastor or minister of the sacrament. The sponsor must not only have the intention to be a sponsor, but also comply with appropriate qualifications. The sponsor must have completed his sixteenth year unless the Bishop has established another age for sponsorship, or the pastor or minister judges that a just cause warrants an exception to the rule. He must be a Catholic who has received the sacraments of Holy Eucharist and confirmation, and "leads a life in harmony with the faith and the role to be undertaken." Despite the fact that a person needs only one sponsor for baptism, male or female, may have two sponsors, a man and a woman. Who qualifies as a Catholic godparent? A Catholic who does not practice their faith regularly attending Mass or who is in an invalid marriage disqualifies himself from being a godfather. Also, if a person is Catholic but antagonistic to the faith, ie has the attitude "I am a Catholic but …," and would not be a good example and witness of the faith also disqualifies himself. If a person does not strive to meet their own obligations of baptism, does not meet the responsibilities of helping another to do so. Parents need to find good practicing Catholics for godparents. The best place is to look for relatives, even grandparents, who have a blood relationship with the godchild and have kept the faith in recent years. Good friends are also suitable, but sometimes friendships diminish, leaving the godchild without an active godparent. Godparents should be faithful individuals who are willing to accept responsibility for being part of a godchild's life for the rest of his life." link removed When my son was Baptized too my brother was his godfather and he had to produce his Baptismal certificate. Link to comment
poetryandlyrics Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Well, I think the godmother thing is understandable if she changed her mind and wanted her son in the religion like that a bit more, and if the requirement is that, and you couldn't. It happens. Regarding the wedding, I do find it not sensible of her to get mad that you couldn't afford the wedding, and having her to demote you because the pictures wouldn't match and sayin you needed to buy the dress instead because you couldn't attend the destination wedding to punish you is spiteful. I'll write her off as a friend. Sometimes when people, IMO, cut off way too many people in their lives, it can be telling. And her behavior right now is. Not a friend behavior. Link to comment
CanadianQt Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 thanks ladies. I am torn about the godparent thing because i do feel like im being punished for not being able to attend the wedding, im very hurt. I dont know much about the role as a godparent in the christain aspect as my "godparents" were gaurdians. None of her family or her or fiance attend church or are even religious as i had the discussion with her prior to anything. Its hard for me to be upset about the baptismal because it is her son. I guess the reason it upsets me is because i had the conversation with her and her fiance and they both said my one and only role as godparent would be a gaurdian to their son if something were to happen to them. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 It sounds like they changed their minds about involving him in a religion. Other religions have different rules for sponsors. Some people just name godparents as guardians and that is it. However in the Catholic Church you promise to guide the child in their religion. Your role is a religious one. Link to comment
lizzie2011 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 a similar thing happened to my sister when she wanted to baptize her son in the Anglican church here. She had already asked her closer friends to be godparents but when she spoke to the minister he insisted that they had to be Anglicans so she had to scramble at the last minute for Anglican friends when her closer friends were probably Baptists. A godparent is supposed to guide you in the ways of the Lord and that sort of thing which I think is bit different than a guardian. As for the destination wedding thing, I agree with you that it sounds like she's punishing you but let's hope your friendship is stronger than that. Is she always this way or is it wedding mania? A wedding is one day. I think she will eventually come to regret insisting on these peripheral details when she is older. For now there is probably no way you can make sense to her. She can't see the forest through the trees. Right now the location, pictures, dresses etc seem really important to her. It may be years before she gets the fact that its more important to have good friends and family stand with her as she embarks on this new phase in her life than what they are wearing while they are standing next to her. Its her wedding. One day when she is allowed to be selfish. I know this hurts but you have to be strong. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 She doesn't sound very nice, really. Yes, usually if you want to be a godparent and have it done in a Catholic church, you gotta be baptized and you gotta have the necessary checklist done as required by the church. Might vary a bit depending on the priest/church, but in general, it's about a spiritual sponsor. Otherwise, you can do a guardianship ceremony - I've seen this, and it's nice! - where the legal paperwork is signed, maybe a cake is cut, but it's not done in a church (the one I went to was done in a home). But to leave it to the last minute to suddenly figure this out on her end? Rude. Is she flaky too? Maybe didn't even bother to check it out. Regardless, it's crappy. to go on and on with you about it, then switch things up at the last minute. And about the destination wedding. She is being ridiculous. And petty. Actually that is what I hear a lot of when you describe this situation. A lot of pettiness on her part. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I agree. She will regret acting like a bridezilla later. I was married almost 19 years ago and to tell you the truth I almost never think of my wedding day and I forget a lot of the details. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Well - its simple. If you cannot go to the wedding, then you are not a bridesmaid. There are no "long distance bridesmaids." I have been to weddings where someone couldn't stand up in the wedding because of being on bed rest, or having other changes of plans and were replaced a few months before the wedding. Also, there are not "two weddings." If you get married in a destination wedding, you don't get to have a second wedding with bridesmaids and the whole shot a few weeks later like its a reenactment. It can be a party, but its not another wedding. It would be fine to have the bridesmaids at the party closer to home, but to all dress up like its the wedding again, or to have two sets of bridesmaids is a little odd. She has to decide what is the real wedding. As far as the godparent thing - you could still be someone she named if something happened to her and her husband - you just wouldn't be the ceremonial godparent, as you would not be able to perform that role. My parents designated one couple (my mom's brother and sister in law) if something happened to them not because they were our godparents but because they had kids similar ages and they were very involved with our lives already. Also, my parents chose family and not friends because they were more likely to be involved in my life for the long haul where friends may change in importance over time. I understand its a bummer, but I think you are taking things very personally. It is bad timing that this all happened at once. I would act like the bigger person here and not assume she is ditching you as a friend. Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Dump this witch as a friend! Your clue by four was way back when she started dumping people in your girl group. That was a terrible sign. You missed it. I would spend a day crying to get over her and then move on: like a breakup, no contacr! Angel Link to comment
CanadianQt Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 thanks so much for all your advice. I am taking this personally but i cant help it as it is taking a big toll on me. I know the timing is horrible but i just feel she is being so petty and inconsiderate. she was planning a second wedding, i know its not going to be like mexico but her sole reason for demoting me as a bridesmaid is because photos wouldnt match at her second wedding. Either way i really appriciate any and all advice as im becoming bitter about this. She is a very negetive person and i have gotten to really see things from my friends points of views over the last few weeks. I feel like she is pushing me away. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Dump this witch as a friend! Your clue by four was way back when she started dumping people in your girl group. That was a terrible sign. You missed it. I would spend a day crying to get over her and then move on: like a breakup, no contacr! Angel I completely agree. It sounds like she has antagonized a lot of people with her behaviour and you are next in line. Be happy that you are no longer Godmother because you are no longer obligated to have anything to do with this "friend". Link to comment
CanadianQt Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 yes it would have been nice if she got all her ducks in a row before insisting i would be at her sons baptizmal and talking about it for over a year.. i dunno its very strange to me as she is not at all religious that all of a sudden its a big deal, she did talk about having a dedication awhile ago, im not sure why she changed it to a baptismal. It is what it is but your right she is very petty. and im probably over reacting. I just feel like she is pushing me out of her life and punishing me Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I just feel like she is pushing me out of her life and punishing me Or pushing you out of her life and doing you a favor. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 thanks so much for all your advice. I am taking this personally but i cant help it as it is taking a big toll on me. I know the timing is horrible but i just feel she is being so petty and inconsiderate. she was planning a second wedding, i know its not going to be like mexico but her sole reason for demoting me as a bridesmaid is because photos wouldnt match at her second wedding. Either way i really appriciate any and all advice as im becoming bitter about this. She is a very negetive person and i have gotten to really see things from my friends points of views over the last few weeks. I feel like she is pushing me away. That is really strange about needing photos to match - is she having a pro photographer at both?? Gee whiz.... it is a pretty lame reason but i've never met anyone who had a pro photographer doing pro wedding photos at "two weddings." Its usually snap shots at the party. Link to comment
CanadianQt Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 thanks lady! and yes i have had my fair share of tears over the last few weeks and i dont want to have this negetivity in my life anymore. I am trying to collect my thoughts as i dont even want to talk to her about this anymore because there is nothing left to say. I should have payed attention to the signs back when she was being horrible to other friends in our group. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 She is a c___t. Dump her as a friend immediately. Don't go to the second wedding and don't give her any gifts and don't call her. She's not worth having around. Link to comment
CanadianQt Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 i think the lame reason is why im so suspisious and feel punished. She knows she has upset me as i told her that the whole picture thing is ridiculous, she says its more then pictures but then proceeds to mention money again how she offered to lend me the money and im still not coming. And she wants an evening wedding party at her second wedding (so "pictures wont match" ) I think she might be making up the pictures as an excuse for punishing me. It all comes down to the money situation. I am not willing to "borrow" $4000 from a friend especially a friend like her. It is just not a responsible way to spend my money at this stage of my life. and im in no position to pay it back. I have had to litterly reiterate this to her 10 times! (sorry for my spelling) Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 When my extremely down-to-earth and non materialistic best friend got married, she kind of turned into a bridezilla and I don't think she noticed until after the ceremony. I kind of bit the bullet and decided "when it's all done and over with, maybe she'll remember it when I get married" and put up with all the extra last minute costs and long, long car drives. I shelled out a lot of time and money to be her maid of honour and take care of a lot of things (most of them very drama filled lack of planning on their part). I never really got much of a "thank you" for it. The entire time, her and her husband were all "aren't weddings stupid? lol, look at us jump through these hoops we don't care about. We're much too cool" but that attitude really turned a lot of people off. People tried very hard to make her day the way she wanted it and it just seemed like they didn't even care. In the end, it ended up straining our friendship for a few years but we ended up being fine. Link to comment
superfan Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Wow, I am so so sorry that this happened to you. It must hurt like hell to have someone that close to you having major life events and not being "allowed" to be a part of them. When my best friend of 20 years got married, I was living in Scotland getting my teaching degree. The wedding was set for November, so there was NO WAY I could fly back to Canada to make it. She told me about the wedding before I left to do my course, and asked me to be her Maid of Honour. It killed me to have to say no because we spent our entire childhood together. Thankfully she understood and told me that I would be the 'honorary' MOH. I know that technically meant nothing, but it felt really good to know that she understood my reasons for not being able to make it. Similarily when I got married we did the ceremony in Scotland (where my husband is from) so that his family could attend it. He was immigrating to Canada, so it seemed only fair that the wedding should be there. The only people who were able to make it from my side were my parents. My siblings, friends etc. could not make it because of the distance - so I had a secondary reception in Canada for our 1 year anniversary. It was very low key. People who spend tons of money on destination weddings and assume everyone else is capable of doing the same are extremely selfish. These are also the same type of people who tend to focus more on the actual ceremony than the marriage and it usually doesn't end well for them. I am sorry that you are having to see her true colours now. As for being a Godparent, it probably depends on the Church. I am not religious in the slightest, but I am a Godmother to all three of my good friend's kids. She is fine that I am not religious and when she asked me it was on the same understanding that my function would be to care for hte kids if she could not. I would suggest finding a time to sit down with her in person if you can and just ask her (politely but firmly) if her decision to replace you as Godmother had anything to do with not being able to attend the wedding. Try again to let her know how heartbroken you feel not being able to afford to go and that you would be there if you could. If she is still cold or standoffish, then you know what kind of a person she really is deep down. Not a fun way to learn that lesson, but useful nevertheless. Link to comment
CanadianQt Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 Thanks for your honest advice it is much appreciated. I really hate this destination wedding trend but I can understand it in situations such as yours where no matter what it would be a destination wedding for some. I think your right about talking to her and asking if the godmother thing has anything to do with not being able to afford her wedding. I still think I needs couple days as this only happened yesterday. I wouldn't think she was being Vendictive if she said that I would be an honory guest or that she still wants me as a gaurdian to her son. But she says things and is such a way that its hurtful and almost spiteful. It's really hard because I did consider her one of my best friends but this had caused such a rift in our relationship, I just do not know if this can be repaired. I can't help but think she will hold this against me for ever. It's not fair but this year is just not good timing for me and my hubby because we have so many chanes coming up that we cannot commit to anything right now. We couldn't even afford to go anywhere for our 10 year anniversary, and currently live on one paycheck. She knows all of this, but still holds it against me like it shouldn't be that hard to save and that she is giving everyone a year notice ( with 2 months to pay a deposit) again I really appreciate your advice and understanding of the situation. I will have to explain things when I am ready Link to comment
Snny Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 IDK guys... a second wedding? Would it make sense to have your bridesmaids attend ALL ceremony(ies) instead of just one of them? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 IDK guys... a second wedding? Would it make sense to have your bridesmaids attend ALL ceremony(ies) instead of just one of them? My friend had a destination wedding and made up for it by having 2 receptions. We got redressed up and had a second cake and they were introduced as a couple. The best man and I resaid our toasts (or what we could remember). First reception was definitely better though as it was only 20 or so people and extremely classy. Link to comment
Snny Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 My friend had a destination wedding and made up for it by having 2 receptions. We got redressed up and had a second cake and they were introduced as a couple. The best man and I resaid our toasts (or what we could remember). First reception was definitely better though as it was only 20 or so people and extremely classy. I'm doing the same thing too. I'm not holding my wedding outside the country, but my fiance and I are going to be living a few states apart from everyone. We want our wedding in our new home state, but throw a private reception for our families here and then throw a bigger RECEPTION closer to everyone else to include others. Speaking from the bride's point... if I asked a friend to be my bridesmaid, and she can't make it to the wedding ceremony, but only to the bigger reception... Sorry, there's no point in having her as a bridesmaid or the MOH. I would just have her enjoy being a guest instead and no hard feelings. There are a LOT of responsibilities for a bridesmaid to handle such as: 1. assisting in wedding planning/bachelorette party 2. dress shopping 3. seating arrangement and assisting guests at BOTH the ceremony and reception 4. being a listed witness of the marriage license signing. These roles have to be fulfilled at both sites. it's more than just showing up at the wedding, strolling down the aisle in a pretty colored dress and standing by the bride's side. You are really there to assist the bride before AND during the celebration. A bridesmaid shouldn't just do part of the listed roles and then show up at one of the parties or... yea, it looks really bad to the guests (not just photographers) and some of the other bridesmaids/MOH will get pissed. I was not present at my best friend's destination wedding for the SAME reasons as the OP has, and therefore I could not be a bridesmaid either. Yep, you read correctly... my BEST FRIEND. I had a hard time understanding this too... but since now that I am a bride, I realize why I was invited as a guest at a reception I could attend. even now, we are still good friends without the "drama." Did I miss something though? I feel like I did. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 You were replaced as godmother because of the Catholic issue -- which truly requires that Godparent be baptized. Nothing you can do about it. You cannot afford to be part of destination wedding -- and therefore, cannot be maid of honor. These are the facts. She isn't picking on you. Link to comment
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