cohabiting......

[Ditta]

Hey...so I've been with my boyfriend for a month and a half and it's just heaven.

We have fallen inlove so quickly...both of us can't quite believe how fast it has happened. I think we felt it almost immediately.

At first it freaked me out a bit...and I even thought about stopping it before it went too far. I guess it just scared the hell out of me. But then I realised it was too far gone to stop anyways and why end something just because it scared me a little.

 

J and I are together constantly. I have my own place and he lives with a mate but he stays over every night. I miss him terribly when I'm not with him. He feels this too.

 

My reason for posting? ..... well I'm having to move

home in march due to the rent lease being up. J suggested that maybe we could move in together. If we do that would mean we'd have only been together for three months.

This doesn't necessarily bother me because I already feel like I've known him months not just weeks. But other people's opinions do. Especially my mothers. I just know she's going to kick off about this. She's not yet met J as she thinks our age difference is a problem. I'm 30 and he's 23.

 

I feel like I want J with me all the time. I want his things around me. we practically live together already now anyways.

 

With what I've seen in life the past couple of years my heart is telling me just to do something if it feels right, because life's too short.....or should I do what everyone else is going to tell me...and not even think about stuff like that yet?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Seraphim]

You really don't know him after a few months. It is just the rosy glow of infatuation that makes you think you do. True love deepens over time as you get to know each other more. Give it more time until you've gotten over the infatuation phase.

[lavenderdove]

You've known him weeks. That's the reality. You're in the flush of new love hormones and they are roaring through your veins and everything has a rosey glow.

 

But reason should tell you that one month is not sufficient time to REALLY know what you are getting into, really know him and whether this is a new love flush or whether you have all the other compatabilities and similar goals and attitudes that you need to make a relationship work over time.

 

If he is the right person for you, he will still be there in a year or so when this decision would be more reasoned and rational. If he is not the right person, you will know it then and not have made a mistake letting someone you barely know take over your life. There is a WIDE gap between 'practically' living together and living together. If you have your own place, you can have him out in a minute if necessary. If you sign a lease and move in together, it becomes horrible logistics or fighting over who has to move out, or him trashing your place, or sticking you with a rent payment you can't afford when he storms out etc.

 

It sounds like you've already made up your mind (which isn't wise). If you do decide to move in together, make sure your name is the only name on the lease, and you can afford it on your own if he moves out or you have to ask him to leave. I know way too many cases where people move in together way too soon, then one person sits up one day and says, i changed my mind, this isn't working, or they go back to an ex or meet someone new, and then it is a horrible situation where they must tolerate each other's presence in an apt. they share until the lease runs out which is absolute torture.

[Jennifer89]

Have you ever lived with a boyfriend before? It's not easy, and the breakup is even harder. Yes, it can be very enjoyable but it takes time to get there. Maybe there's an issue of closet space or who does the dishes. Maybe you one to the realization that he really does sit in his boxers, drink and play video games when your not around. And breaking up

sucks, you can't just walk away when you live together. And at some point you start to combine your stuff, which feels great in the moment, but when you break up you fight over who gets the mattress and the frying pans, and the puppy you adopted together. And in the end your left with half of what you entered into your home with.

 

Of course it doesn't have to end but you have been dating for less then two months, he could call it off tomorrow!

 

This doesn't meen you have to move in with your mom, your 30 years old! You have over a month before you have to move, and you may have the option of signing another lees. Start saving your money and perhaps request an extra month from your land lord. Most land lords don't want to loose tenants bc that leaves a gap bw when you move out and the next person moves in, so they are loosing money.

 

I would highly recommend waiting at least one year before moving in together.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, i see another issue as well... you are 30 and probably ready to settle down and have kids, and most guys at 23 won't be thinking about that for at least another 5-10 years. You don't want to get into a live-in situation where it just drags on and on with him not wanting marriage and kids for a long time (too late for you because your fertile years have passed), unless you don't care about marriage and having kids.

 

If you do want marriage and kids, then at this age, you should be looking for a guy who wants to consider marriage and kids, not just 'hang out' in a live-in relationship that could drag on and on with him avoiding marriage/kids due to his age.

[Ditta]

Hey thanks for all the replies....much of what I was expecting! ha ha

 

So yeah...I moved in with my ex after two months due to ldr and we were together four years. He cheated on me. So I have lived with someone before.

 

As for the kids thing...J wants kids in the next couple of years....me? Im not maternal in the slightest. Infact I never thought of myself of actually having any.

 

I think having my name only on the lease is the best idea....if we do decide to do this.

 

Really appreciate the time you all took to reply

[RedDress]

I do agree that it's too fast but I don't really see a problem with this as long as:

 

- Only your name is on the lease

- You can easily afford the payments if he moves out, without having to get another roommate (ie: it's the size of place you would get anyways)

- You don't buy things together (either you buy them or he buys them, so that in case you break up, things are a no-brainer to split) and you keep your finances completely separate

- You don't have a lot of other assets (or you should see a lawyer about drafting a co-habitation agreement)

 

Since you have not been together long, there is a much, much higher probability that it won't work out. Keep this in mind as you make each of your decisions and protect yourself. As long as you treat it more like a roommate situation and less like a marriage from a financial standpoint, the impacts and hassles of a breakup are minimized.

 

As long as you protect yourself financially (which I think is the biggest issue) - I don't really see a problem with this.

[loveology]

Don't do it!! You're infatuated, not in love (it's too early for that yet). If you move in with this guy, you are pretty much setting yourself for failure.

[Heather Dawn]

Yes, i see another issue as well... you are 30 and probably ready to settle down and have kids, and most guys at 23 won't be thinking about that for at least another 5-10 years. You don't want to get into a live-in situation where it just drags on and on with him not wanting marriage and kids for a long time (too late for you because your fertile years have passed), unless you don't care about marriage and having kids.

 

If you do want marriage and kids, then at this age, you should be looking for a guy who wants to consider marriage and kids, not just 'hang out' in a live-in relationship that could drag on and on with him avoiding marriage/kids due to his age.

 

This was my concern, too. I moved in with my boyfriend fairly quickly, and it worked out beautifully for us - so to that, I say, "It CAN work - though maybe not for everyone." But the OP's bigger issue, as I see it, is the age difference. a 23yo male and a 30yo woman are i vastly different life stages.

 

And: He wants kids, eventually, and you don't? Bad, bad idea.

[lady00]

Quite frankly, moving in together is a terrible idea. You barely know this man (by the way I would say the same thing even if you had been friends for years and then started dating because knowing someone as a romantic partner is completely different from knowing someone in any other capacity). Having your own place and having someone sleep over a lot are two radial of different things. At the end of the day, if things go south, its far different to have one person move out of a home that you share than to have one person simply go back to their home. There are many other reasons not to move in together that I think should be fairly obvious (by that I mean all the issues that typically come with living together and a new relationship's ability to handle those stresses).

[Lambert]

I feel what is the rush? If you love someone and will be together regardless, what difference does it make? Rushing in and throwing caution to the wind, can create problems. If your lease wasnt up, would you be thinking this? Sounds like it's just a convenient time.... Why don't you get a new place of your own and continue as you have been?

[Ditta]

thanks for all of the replies....and yes they are making me rethink things.

 

I suppose I would be feeling the same even if my rent wasn't up.... I would still want him to be here constantly.

 

I'm beginning to think our relationship is way too intense for the time we've been together. But I just can't stop it.

He wouldn't be offended if we didn't move in, Iknow that much.

 

I know I haven't known him long and I should be mature enough to know better.

Nothing like this has even happened to me before. It's always took me ages to grow to love. I've been inlove once before.

 

I think you are all right though. There's a difference between living with someone and him being here every night so to speak.

 

There's no rushing....it just felt right to be with him all the time.

 

A lot of the responses on here have made me doubt my feelings.

I don't feel very grown up right now.

[lady00]

You can't help the way that you feel. But be careful of using words like "can't" when it comes to your actions. You can control the way that you behave in response to your intense emotions. I think it's a good thing that you have met someone you feel so strongly for. Who wouldn't want that? I question only what that leads you to do. If you continue to feel this strongly about this man over the years then it sounds like he is meant to be your life partner.

[Snny]

I have my own place and he lives with a mate but he stays over every night.

So basically he lives at your house for FREE without paying any portion of your rent. That's freeloading. LOL no wonder he's suggesting moving in. If he starts sleeping over everyday, I'd start to charge him rent if I were you. That will be the REAL test of the relationship.

 

Don't let him take advantage of you. This is time to lay out the expectations NOW.

 

I also agree with the other posters... you barely know this dude. Don't move in until after a year of dating. Don't be fooled by the honeymoon phase of your relationship and make an irrational decision that you will later regret. Play it safe.

[superfan]

I am of two minds on this.

 

On the one hand, from the facts you have provided, I would say that moving in together after having been in a relationship for only 3 months is WAY too soon, especially given the age gap.

 

On the other hand, I know that every situation is different and unique (including my own). I say this because typing the above sentence made me feel like a bit of a hypocrite since I moved in with my husband (who lived on another continent) after only knowing him for a year and only PHYSICALLY having been in the same country as him for a total of 20 days. What I did was INCREDIBLY risky. Many people warned me that I was setting myself up for a huge mistake. I was moving to Scotland to go to University there and he offered his apartment so that I could afford the tuition. He promised me that if we broke up I would be able to sleep in the spare room until my course was over - he would not kick me out. And he never charged me rent. This could have gone so very wrong and people who loved me warned me against it. They were terrified I would get stranded in another country with nowhere to go if the relationship went south.

 

Thankfully it didn't. We got engaged at the end of the year and we have been married for 3 years now. I felt confident enough in our relationship (despite the lack of actual time spent together) to take the risk.

 

So I won't say DON'T do it, but if you do, make sure you have an "out" if things go wrong. Make sure you can afford to live on your own (as others have said) and that the lease is under your name.

 

Good luck.

[Kamisaur]

Is there a reason you can't renew your rent or get new place on your own?

[jes9973]

I was in a similar situation...except my girlfriend and I had been dating for 7 months. Her roommate abandoned her on the lease agreement. She had to move out, and since we had discussed moving in together, I offered for her to move in with me. It has been an up-and-down arrangement. You definitely don't know him after three months. And, truthfully, you won't really know him until you live with him. My advice is to take it slow. If he is the right one, he will be there regardless of how long it will take.

[Heather Dawn]

So basically he lives at your house for FREE without paying any portion of your rent. That's freeloading. LOL no wonder he's suggesting moving in. If he starts sleeping over everyday, I'd start to charge him rent if I were you. That will be the REAL test of the relationship.

 

Don't let him take advantage of you. This is time to lay out the expectations NOW.

 

I also agree with the other posters... you barely know this dude. Don't move in until after a year of dating. Don't be fooled by the honeymoon phase of your relationship and make an irrational decision that you will later regret. Play it safe.

 

 

I WILL say there are exceptions to the rule. My boyfriend and I met and have really never been apart since. After our first date (a Wednesday), I spent the following weekend at his house - Friday through Sunday - and then, from that point on, we just kept adding days: It went from every Fri-Sun, to Thurs-Sun, to Wed-Sun - and so on - till I was living with him full-time at his place. We'd only been together a few months by the time I was no longer going home at all. But it worked for us - we simply didn't want to be apart. And all this time later, even after we've moved out and into OUR own place (as opposed to us being in HIS place), we just get stronger and stronger as a couple every day. So sometimes it CAN work even when it's happening fast.

 

I'd be more concerned about the speed in combination with the age gap.

[Snny]

I WILL say there are exceptions to the rule. My boyfriend and I met and have really never been apart since. After our first date (a Wednesday), I spent the following weekend at his house - Friday through Sunday - and then, from that point on, we just kept adding days: It went from every Fri-Sun, to Thurs-Sun, to Wed-Sun

Right, a few days to weekends are different. The OP has dated this dude for weeks and he just stays over every day. She hasn't stated that she's been going over to his place... just him going over to hers. If he's going to stay everyday he should (just MHO) be expected to pay a portion of the rent. Her place shouldn't be used like a free hotel service within a month of dating, but that's just me. I'm a penny pincher when my property is being used.

 

I mean really.. why should I be expected to pay the whole rent if the dude is going to be there every night? To me, that's overstaying your welcome.

 

till I was living with him full-time at his place. We'd only been together a few months by the time I was no longer going home at all.

A few months of knowing each other. And did you move in when you were going over there all the time or how long did it take you?

 

I'd be more concerned about the speed in combination with the age gap.

Agreed. Also lack of expectations and lines are not being drawn here either, and this can cause future relationship issues and major miscommunication.

[Ditta]

ok so to answer.....J hasn't paid any rent or bills etc at mine....because he still has his own to pay where he's currently living He does however feeds me...cleans for me....brings stuff over to the house. And I guess I wouldn't feel comfortable him paying half when his things are not here. Theres no point in his things being here when I'm moving soon.

 

I have to move as the landlord is moving back in....so I have no choice.

I can afford living on my own....I have this long! so it's not about the money.

J wants to pay half of everything if we do take the step...rent...deposit...everything. And we agreed that we both need time to ourselves and with our own friends and family.

 

As for the age thing again....yes I know he's so young. I've questioned him about what he wants and knows many times. I think it annoys him that I go on about it sometimes. He thinks I'll use it as an excuse to end us and he doesn't want that to happen. He said he'd be heartbroken.

 

J has a very good job, is financially better off than me even! he's had a long term relationship before and lived with her.

He's very open with me about his past....some difficult stuff says he's never talked to anyone

about.

 

I still agree....that if we do move in together it all has to be in my name...even though he wants it shared...then split bills and stuff. And to a place I can afford on my own.

 

It's fantastic to hear the success stories and that it's not all doom and gloom and spells disaster.

 

It's other people's views which are making me worried about things - but I expected this. And I know my family will go wild if we do this.

[Heather Dawn]

I agree he should be paying something. When I ended up being at my boyfriend's more often than I was at home, I contributed to the groceries substantially. He didn't want me to, but I felt like it was the right thing to do.

 

When I was going over all the time to the point of no longer going home, I did move in - but I couldn't move all my stuff over because I wasn't technically allowed to be living there (per his lease). I'd say it was about three months into our relationship when I had "unofficially" moved in, though.

[Fudgie]

I do feel it's too soon, in the sense that it's risky. I moved in with my boyfriend after a year of being together (and knowing him for several years prior, in person). I already had a very good sense of who he was as a person and I felt confident that he wasn't going to screw me over and that it was going to work.

 

Moving in together DOES change a relationship. Honeymoon phase is definitely over for me. But I'm fine with that.

 

Now, if you're doing to do this, I suggest it's ONLY your name on the lease. You can still split bills with just your name on the lease. He can pay half of the rent, half of the bills, etc.

 

Having only your name on the lease protects you when making such an early choice such as this. Make sure you could pay it on your own if things don't work out.

 

In my current set-up, both of our names are on the lease, and we moved into a NEW place just for us (rather than me into his, or vice versa). I pay ALL the misc bills and groceries while he pays all of the rent.

[Fudgie]

I forgot to add, about the child issue.

 

He wants them, and you don't? Sorry to say but your relationship has an end date in mind.

 

If you truly don't want kids (and I am the SAME way too) then don't ever, ever, ever THINK of being with someone who wants kids. You'll just hurt each other and be unhappy. It's a pointless relationship because your end goals don't match up so it will fail anyway.

 

And don't EVER think of having a child for a SO. A child that you don't want. It WILL ruin your life and make you forever resentful.

 

That being said, please don't move in with him unless it's your name only on the lease/bills.

[Ditta]

I never said I definitely didn't want kids....I hadn't gave it massive thought yet....not the right time.....want to do some other stuff first