Need advice about girlfriend going out with guy friend.

[Iceman26]

Hey this is going to be long and complicated, but I am sure you have all read that before.

 

Ok, last Friday i was emailing my girlfriend, and asking her if she had any plans over the weekend. She replied that she had plans with this guy who has been a friend of hers since she was 12. She had talked about this guy before, and he would always call her on love advice he had about his girlfriend.....I even helped the guy out a few times. To my knowledge, she hadn't seen this guy the entire time she and I have been dating (almost 2 years).

 

So I asked her what about hanging out with me, etc, and she said that if people want to make plans with her, then she isn't going to wait for me.

The weekends are the only time I can see her, because she "refuses" to change her hours so that we can spend some time together. But the way we have always made plans is to ask the other what they are doing over the weekend, and then make plans from there.

 

...I have recently moved and am still getting used to a new place and a new job. So then she took off from and I sent her a text message asking her to please give me a call later when she wasn't busy.

 

So that night I go and get her a rose and write her a love letter, because we have had some difficult times lately. I couldnt sleep that night, so at 3:30 am I drove over to her house to put the rose and letter on her car.

Her car was gone.......

 

I sent her a text message saying "Hope you had fun staying with so and so". The next morning, she sent me a text message back asking me what I was talking about. I told her that I stopped by her house to drop off the rose and the flower. She then told me that she had some drinks and she had gotten a ride home.

 

Sidenote: Now, my girlfriend, or ex...I am not sure what she is, is extremely cautious with her car. I can't imagine her leaving her car anywhere.

 

So then I tried to call her, because we had plans on Saturday. She didnt answer so i left a message. i waited a couple of hours to hear from her, then i made other plans. On my way home from a party I went to, I drove by her house again to see if she was there. It was 12-1am (time change day) and again, her car was gone, and an older car that looked like a guys car was out front.

 

I was so upset, and I sent her a text message (since she wouldn't answer her phone) saying "Best of luck in life, you will always have a place in my heart and I will always love you"

 

It has been 4 days now, and I haven't received any form of communication from her. No phone calls, emails, text messages, nothing.

 

So what do you guys/girls think? Do you think she cheated? Do you think she will try and contact me again?

 

On one hand, I feel she has shown a great lack of respect for me, and an unwillingness to communicate and little regard for my feeling.

 

I don't want to contact her, because I made every effort to get a hold of her to talk about things (as you have read)

 

On the other hand, I was "promised" to my girlfriend, and I do love her.

[Realdeal40]

Dude I am very impressed that you took the stand that you did. I totally agree with what you said, that you get no respect. I don't know the entire story, but from what you said it sounds like you're the one keepin your end of the bargain and she's doing whatever she wants. I definitely think you should NOT contact her again; let her crawl out of the cave that she put herself into, and her excuse better be good and start with an apology or three. I wouldn't even think about the fact that she is/isn't cheating on you. Just look at the way she treats you. That says enough to me, and the way you handled it shows that you're a strong person who won't take any crap. Good job if you ask me!

 

RD40

[Vanilla]

first of all, how long have you two been dating??

 

I think you handled this in a good way. Any other guy would have blown up and made a macho scene. Rose and Letter? I wish my boyfriend could do that for me! I may get flowers, but he'll never EVER write me a romantic letter, I dont think he even knows how. *sigh* anyways...

 

I would be really upset if I were in a relationship in which my partner didn't make time to see me on a weekend. SO upset. If she wanted to see her friend one on one thats fine, but then she could have seen you later/after, or spent the next day with you , OR maybe just maybe she could have included you in her plans.

 

I think you ended it in a nice way. Very gentleman like of you. Good for you! She hasnt called you or contacted you can only mean this...a)she is an inconsiderate b**ch, b)she is cheating, c) its over.

Im sorry for being so blunt, and I know you sound pretty shaken up by this, but its so important for people to not be blinded or in denial. If she wants to come back, let her come back to you and with a VERY good reason why.

 

You sound like a wonderful man (you didnt even give her crap for making plans really!). Focus on yourself, on your new job. You matter the most here, if its meant to be it'll work out. But you definitely deserve an apology!

[Iceman26]

She and I have dated for almost 2 years.

 

Thank you for your responses so far, its been a rough couple of days, its hard to get that vision away of your loved one with someone else.

 

Its funny how things go so badly so quickly.....just last week she sent me an invitation to her Christmas party, and was telling me what she wanted to get my family for christmas.

[sonjam]

Iceman26, it is the hardest thing, next to the broken heart, of course, to cut that person out of your life, to look at the future, and they are not in it anymore.

 

Just remember that the future may not have been so bright with her in it!. You are far better off alone, and possibly finding the REAL TRUE LOVE, of your life, and be thankfull for the experience you gained from this relationship.

This girl really treated you badly, and is not worth your efforts. I hope your broken heart heals.

[moe42]

first off you seem like a great guy that any girl should worship!!!! i must say this is the best break up i have heard so far. you handled it in the best way possible sweet and yet to the point without being so blunt it hurts.....men take notes!!!! she owes you an apology if nothing else...personally i think she also owes you an explanation. while you feel terrible now think back to other long term relationships you and close friends have had. the next week or two is just going to suck beyond all reason but it gets better you meet new people do new things and sooner or later you forget about this person and be happier than ever

[Hannibal]

You can't really jump to conclusions here.

 

In regards to leaving her car somewhere because she had a few drinks, I would never doubt someone doing that. I myself I'm extremely anti drinking and driving and applaud anyone who opts for a cab instead of driving after a few drinks. I know for a fact that the costs from a Driving under the influence charge can easily amount to far more then the value of someones car.

 

As for seeing the guys car out front of her house. That is very suspicious yes, but once again you can not jump to conclusions. Perhaps they met for a drink or two and once again she left her car at where ever it was they met and got a ride home with him. He may have just stopped in for a few minutes. Seeing as you only drove by you are not getting the entire story.

 

Dealing with the text message situation. Text messages are a very bad way to communicate something important to someone, because you lose a lot of information by putting your emotions into text on a cellphone screen.

The reason why she may not have replied is because she is angry at you for assuming that she is cheating. Or simply because the way you worded it made it sound like things were over between you two.

 

Personally I think you acted far to quickly and jumped to conclusions before you had all the information.

 

I suggest calling her and talking things out with her before this thing gets any worse.

[Celadon]

What a complete nightmare! Your situation brought up awful memories for me of my ex. It drove me to distraction when he (like your girlfriend/ex)wouldn't have the decency to communicate with me, or he was purposely vague. Good thing he's my EX.

 

Sorry ... enough about me.

 

I really feel for you, Iceman26. You indicated you two had been having problems, but was it really so bad that she would cheat on you? Or was the problem that she was already seeming distant? I can't help but wonder if she had been trying to tell you that things weren't working out between the two of you, but could not bring herself to do that?

 

It would truly drive me nuts to leave the situation as it is now. I would probably make one attempt to clear the air, so that you can break up understanding the situation. If she's cheated on you, maybe there's not that much to say, but still, after two years ... she owes you a goodbye or something. And you should have the chance to say how disappointed you are by her.

 

Well, keep us posted. I have that bad feeling that she may not respond if you ask to meet her (I'd ask by e-mail or letter). But I hope I'm wrong. Take care.

[lady00]

Just wondering...what kinds of problems have you guys been having lately? Has she ever gone this long without contacting you before?

[Iceman26]

Hannibal -

 

I completely agree with the not drinking and driving, but this guy friend of hers was more than likely drinking as well, so him dropping her off just doesn't make any sense to me, because he lives more than an hour away from here.

 

First, she had a perfectly sober boyfriend that would have driven her home, and second, I dont trust ANY situation involving another man and alcohol.

 

She lives with her parents, so there is no way he would have stopped in at that hour.

 

I tried calling her, but she ignored my call and the nice message I left her asking her to call so we could talk (She and I had plans on Saturday night)

After I saw his car out front, yes I admit I did assume the worst, but I had already called her and my call went ignored, so I sent the message.

 

I like to think that if I had meant something to her and she truly cared for me, she would have responded to me in one form or another.

 

K8tie Cool

 

Yes we had been having some problems prior to this. I had to move back home with my parents for a little bit because of a bad business decision I made, and the lack of intimacy (staying the night together and everything that goes along with that) and my dad Died 3weeks ago, and I was going through a rough time. I didn't really know my dad that well, so I wasn't sure what I was feeling. It didn't change my attitude towards her, but I did notice that she never said she was sorry, and she would complain about the fact that I wasn't living on my own anymore. Another reason I moved back home was to get my finances straight so we could get married within the next three years. It has been one hell of a year for me.

 

I always wanted to talk with her about things, I am an open person who is easy to communicate with. I am the type of person that always tries to think of things in another person's point of view. Every time I would suggest that we talk, she would roll her eyes and say things like "What now?" She would always say I was attacking her, but I just wanted to work through the things that were problems for us. She thinks that there is a winner and a loser in an argument, when I see it as working on the relationship.

 

lady00

 

Yes, 2 weeks ago, when we gotten into an argument, she said "screw you" to me and hung up the phone and we didnt talk for a week, because I am not going to call back anybody that talks to me that way.

 

She thought that we were over then, but we talked things out.....the peace didn't last long though. She is very short tempered and extremely defensive, and easily irritated.

 

I know I am not painting a pretty picture of her here, but she taught me a lot of things, and she has been through some rough times with me. She was also the first girl i was ever able to fall asleep next to, and even though it may sound silly, it told me that I really felt comfortable around her.

[Vanilla]

Iceman , EVERY EVER relationship has problems like those. Some worse than others. You seem to be very nice guy. I have also been with my boyfriend for close to two eyars. We both still live with our parents, but see eachother every day and since I only live with my mom (no father!) he gets to spend the night every weekend and whatever other days he doesnt have to go to university. So I understand what you mean when you talk about falling asleeep for the first time comfortably with someone. It means soooo much!

 

You seem patient and more in touch with your femenin side than she is. What I mean by that is most men are the ones not really willing to sit down and discuss issues, while women hunt them down until they talk about it. Nobody wants this to happen to their relaitonship. God if it happened to mine, I would have a severe depression.

 

This definitely isnt going to be an easy way to get through this but only time can tell. Don't contact her. You ended it in the best way possible, like i said in my first post she owes you an apology and if she comes back she better have a pretty good reasy as to why she did this.

[Cecelius]

Hanging out with the guy all alone was reason enough to drop her. Adding on top of it her other behavior, she's not worth the time.

 

You dumped her/ she dumped you. Consider yourself lucky not to be involved with a shady girl and go find a decent one.

[Vanilla]

another thing if this guy was a childhood friend of hers, and you two were in a committed relationship. Don't you find it strange that she never cared for you to meet him? I went to middle school and high school with my boyfriend so we pretty much knew all the same friends...however I am half south american and i was born there, so when a friend visits me from there (i was there for elementary school and yes in latin countries you keep friends from the day youre born!) I am psyched to take him iwth me. I could never imagine not wanting to spend a weekend with my man or not introducting him to pretty much everyone I know. He does the same with me and he loved it when I would drop by his old job so he could show me off. I mean and even if I had girlfriends that wernt as busy as mine are or didnt live in different states, and we wanted to get together, i would make it so it were to never interfere with "our time". Also, I wouldn't go hang out with a guy by myself that he didn't know. Its really important in relationships that you don't do something to someone you dont want done upon yourself. Theres really only one guy I hang out with by myself on rare occasion, but my boyfriend likes him so much and since he works sometimes encourages me to hang out with him when Im bored and he's busy at work or school (they both like eachother and respect eachother a lot). If my boyfriend hung out with a girl i didnt know and didnt even invite me to come knowing I was free and wanted to be with him....I would probably find the raging b**ch inside of me and release her to be quite frank. So once again, props to you for being such a gentleman! A woman would only be so lucky to find a man like you!

[Iceman26]

It bothered me that she hung out with this guy alone, but she has known him for over a decade so I let it go.........what REALLY bothered was the fact that there was alcohol involved.

 

There is a guy on the radio I listen to on the drive home from work, and he tells guys that if a girl has guy friends she hangs out with, then you should drop her. I thought it was kind of dumb at first, but now I wonder.......

 

I had introduced her to my friends, but she didn't like them. My friends always treated her with respect and were nice to her, but she didn't like their lifestyles or their girlfriends. She would complain about my family, even though my family always treated her with respect and made her feel welcome.

 

There was a time recently that I went to a friends birthday bbq (one of the friends she didnt like) and I didnt invite her. I told her where I was going and all that, and later she told me she was angry at me for not inviting her and that she was going to start excluding me from things she did with her friends....though she never really had any friends, because she was always getting angry at them lol.

 

I told her I didn't invite her because why would I invite someone to share in my friends birthday celebration when she didnt even like my friend and his girlfriend? She said I should have invited her anyways, but that makes no sense to me.

[Vanilla]

hmm. that makes sense. Im not too crazyabout my boyfriends mom whatsoever, but you never badmouth anyones family. NEVER. you may discuss something that caused you to get upset or something...

 

as for the friends. I wasnt so crazy about my boyfriends friends before and he wasnt too crazy about mine. But we compromised. Now we hardly talk to those old friend of ours and have new ones we both like. Few ones, but good ones.

 

Seems like you guys didn't try to compromise on something. Its never good in a relationship when its headed in the "well you did this to me and so now Im going to do it to you" direction.

 

Maybe it just needed to end.

[Iceman26]

Yeah i never liked her family (there is definetly something wrong with her father) But I never said anything about them, except to ask her about her father, because he would always make sexual comments to her and he had touched her inappropriately when I was around.

 

I never said anything about the few friends she had, as far as I am concerned, they are her friends and it is her life, and whomever she wants to hang around with is her decision.....unless its a guy that takes her drinking!

 

I always tried to compromise........I even went as far as seeing "Legally Blonde 2" with her. I get the feeling she never really wanted to compromise, she wanted control over everything.

 

Oh well, Day 5 and I havent heard anything new.

[Cecelius]

Girls with too many or exclusively guy friends are potentially an issue because (1) young girls like attention and will do a fair amount to get it even from their male friends (2) many men will purport to be merely friends while pining for her (romantically) and trying to get in her pants and many male friends who have no feelings beyond friendship wouldn't bat an eyelash at sleeping with her if available (ie, if he tries and she gives in, what is he out?).

 

So, if you are dealing with a younger or immature person, it is logical to ask why she would put her hand into the lion's mouth? Especially when you can find a girl who does not have these ego issues.

 

All of these things are relative: there are many decent women who find men less catty or whiny than other girls, and there are many women who simply don't cheat or hook up.

 

Your girl was a wack-job. I'm sorry it didn't go well for you.

[Iceman26]

Thanks Cecelius.

 

I agree with you, I made an exception for her because she never saw the guy friends she had, and I made an exception for this guy because he had known her for 10 years and always called her for relationship advice. It seems I was mistaken. I should have asked more questions when he popped out of nowhere to "visit" with her.

 

Yes I am dealing with a younger woman (she just turned 22, and I am 26) but I thought she was more mature because she had lived on her own with an ex boyfriend and seemed to have had a lot of life experience.

 

I am sorry it didn't go well either, up until recently, I thought she and I would be married someday, after all we had talked about it. Its been hard because when I look to the future, I saw her in it, and now I dont see anyone.

 

Friends and family tell me I will meet somebody else, somebody better, but I am approaching 27, and with all the experiences I have had (I am writing a book about them) and the years I have lost spending time, effort and love on people who treat me like crap I am starting to lose hope.

 

I know the years weren't a complete waste, I have learned a lot, I just don't know if relationships are really worth my time anymore.

[OceanEyes]

Yeah i never liked her family (there is definetly something wrong with her father) But I never said anything about them, except to ask her about her father, because he would always make sexual comments to her and he had touched her inappropriately when I was around.

 

Whoa. Am I the only person that found this particularly creepy?

 

Iceman - this is not normal. Touching your daughter inappropriately is pretty sick, and to do it while there is someone else around? Wow. If I witnessed my boyfriend's mom doing something like that, I wouldn't know whether to try and understand it, or to run away from that family screaming. If something like that is accpeted as normal, no wonder you never liked them!

 

If you dated her for 2 years and she really loved you, she would have tried to contact you. Waiting a week to contact you and leaving things up in the air like that is not only incredibly ignorant, but really shows you what kind of person she is. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think you should invest any further emotional energy into this girl. Not only does it sound like she comes from a total creepshow, twisted family, but she didn't even have the decency to call you back and talk about things. After 2 years, you should have built up enough respect to at least be honest when you want out.

 

I know the years weren't a complete waste, I have learned a lot, I just don't know if relationships are really worth my time anymore.

 

I know what you mean, as I'm sure we've all felt that way. Life does go on though, and I can guarantee you that it will go on better without her.

[Iceman26]

Thank you for all of your responses so far, I really appreciate you guy/girls taking the time to help me out.

 

I still haven't heard anything from her. Now there is a catch to all of this that I had forgotten about. She works at my old company (she took my job at the company when I left) and I know the people from my old company are going to start asking me what happened between us.......what do I tell them about it?

 

On one hand, I want to have some class and say we arent together anymore.

 

On the other hand, I would LOVE to tell them she disrespected me, stayed out all night with another guy, etc.

 

My old cowrokers haven't asked me anything yet, and I find that to be odd. My ex girlfriend had pictures of me all over her desk, so i expect to hear from my old coworkers anytime now. Any thoughts?

[Realdeal40]

Don't trash her, as tempting as it is. Just be the better person. I'm sure you'll realize that after thinking about it. Don't make it into a soap opera. Cause I'm sure people start talking and she'll hear something that could be totally wrong and who knows what will happen. Just chill, sit back & do your own thing bro.

 

-RD40

[arwen]

Iceman,

 

I have a lot of male friends, and can easily spend many hours talking with them over a couple of beers in a pub. They are just friends. They have never meant anything else than that. I would be insulted if my bf didn't trust me, when I tell him a friend is coming over for dinner. Because a lack of trust is horrible in a relationship.

 

Did you consider the possibility of her being incredibly hurt by the lack of trust in her and the fact that you did break up with her, without talking about what you 'saw'? You don't know if she cheated on you, and you have sent here a break up message over phone!

 

I am sorry that I take another point of view here, but maybe it helps you. If I were you, I would try and call her, talk things over, give her space to tell you things. At least you can get some closure then.

 

Ilse

[Cecelius]

Having a couple of drinks with a friend in a bar is one thing. Going out of your way to have a date with a long time friend then apparently disappearing all night long and not letting your b/f know where you are is shady.

[Iceman26]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Had my ex girlfriend tried to communicate with me on Saturday Ilse, I would agree with you that I spoke too quickly the night before.

 

However, again let me state what I do know and why 95% of the people here have me convinced that I shouldn't call her.

 

1) The "friend" she went out with she hasn't seen the entire 2 years we have been dating......he is supposedly an old friend of hers that she has known since she was 12. If I was important to her (which I thought I was, because we were promised to each other) She would have brought me along to meet him.

 

2) I asked her to give me a call earlier on Friday before she went out with him, and she did not call me.

 

3) She is extremely overprotective of her car. I cannot possibly concieve that she would leave it somewhere.

 

4) This "friend" of hers lives an hour and a half away from here, and to the best of my knowledge, has no friends or people he could stay with in the area. There were no other cars outside of her house when i stopped by early that morning. Also, if she and him went out, don't you think that he was probably pretty tipsy too?

 

5) I dont trust men and I dont trust alcohol.

 

6) She ditched me the next night to hang out with a guy when she had plans with me.

 

Honestly, I do not know if she cheated on me or not, but if looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.............

 

The reason I broke up with her over text message is because she wouldn't answer her phone.....not for me anyways. I also did not want her to hear me crying as I left the message.

 

I have given her "space" to tell me things, and she hasn't tried to contact me and its been over a week. I think the loneliness, embarrassment and humiliation I am going through now is better than crawling back to someone who would treat her so called "man of her dreams" this way.

[Realdeal40]

Yo Ice,

 

Yeah I'm with you on that analysis. What bothers me a lot is that she hasn't tried contacting you, even before you sent the text message. And now even afterwards, not a word. That should definitely say something in my opinion.