IAmFCA Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Voice of experience: tumultuous engagement, denied my inner voice. Divorce decree 15 years later and now I'm a single working mom with a complicated calendar and a stalled career Not complaining, but not what I planned. Listen to your instincts. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Think of it this way: Divorce is a lot more expensive than getting married. Don't ever ever get married when there are so many unresolved issues - it usually ends badly. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I think you need to have her move out. If you are afraid to tell her what you actually have and make, you don't belong marrying her. I would start by postponing the wedding, and asking her to move out. I would focus on getting your own personal issues under control before embarking on any other relationships. This relationship - the current one - is toxic. If someone gets you so crazy you almost took your own life - this will end in divorce or your suicide. Do you really see this woman as the mother of your children?? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 You should focus on the cheating. Instead of communicating, you passive agressively do things to sabotage the relationship, hoping she will be the bad guy, and end things for good. And instead of liberating yourself from her, you stay just to not hurt you. I don't mean to say this as a way to mock you; you are acting like a coward. Agree. Cheating is very passive aggressive. Link to comment
confusedluv Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 The more I think about it, I am very concerned about what she could possibly do out of anger and hurt, damage to my house, damage to ny car, etc. Not saying for certain she would, but she is VERY volatile emotionally. Keep in mind that people go through stages when this kind of thing happens, anger being one of them and she has way above average anger and also a huge ego. She is in deep with this wedding planning, so this is much worse than breaking up after a few months of dating or something. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I don't think you actually understand the gravity of this situation, your cheating, getting married. I don't understand you. You can completely picture her damaging things if you stood up for yourself. If you didn't think she was a gold-digger, you wouldn't be bringing up finances. You do realize it will only get worse to the 10th power after you are legally married. Do you think things will change after marriage...HELL NO! 3.5 years...is not the same thing as married for 20 years. So, you can get out. She is knee deep in wedding plans that YOU ARE PAYING FOR. Wake up! Rip off the bandaid. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 The more I think about it, I am very concerned about what she could possibly do out of anger and hurt, damage to my house, damage to ny car, etc. Not saying for certain she would, but she is VERY volatile emotionally. Keep in mind that people go through stages when this kind of thing happens, anger being one of them and she has way above average anger and also a huge ego. She is in deep with this wedding planning, so this is much worse than breaking up after a few months of dating or something. Then what you do is you get vandalism insurance on your car and press charges if she does. I would have a friend nearby and willing to come over if things go badly - the friend can even be in the car a few blocks away because sometimes people will be on better behavior when someone else is around. Don't call them unless she starts acting out. Also, maybe it would be helpful to put breakables away before then. You can even ask your therapist for advice. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 The other thing - why not make sure things are secure at your house, then go talk to her in a neutral public location? Link to comment
confusedluv Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I don't think you actually understand the gravity of this situation, your cheating, getting married. I don't understand you. You can completely picture her damaging things if you stood up for yourself. If you didn't think she was a gold-digger, you wouldn't be bringing up finances. You do realize it will only get worse to the 10th power after you are legally married. Do you think things will change after marriage...HELL NO! 3.5 years...is not the same thing as married for 20 years. So, you can get out. She is knee deep in wedding plans that YOU ARE PAYING FOR. Wake up! Rip off the bandaid. You are right on all counts. Part of the problem is my anxiety issues. It has been suggested I take medication for this, even though I am not a huge fan of such things. To me this break-up just represents the worst kind of emotional trauma and I am the one inflicting it. I know sometimes you need to hurt in the short run to be better for the long run, but I find this near impossible. Even though I know it may not sound like it, I really do love this women and am super close and emotional with her, I hate to hurt her. It is just that I don't see us (or at least me) having a happy life together with the big decision type stuff because there are too many issues. Our relationship has been messed up for quite some time. I keep imagining how bad she will feel if I do this, but everyone tells me I need to think of me first. I have had a great relationship with her daughter too, who will now hate me of course. Guess that is all inevitable stuff. Just hate this damned-if-I do, damned-if-I-don't feeling. I know, I sound like a broken record, but there is lots of suffering and pain going on in my heart, mind and guts about every scenario. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Yes, its damned if you do and damned if you don't; you are indeed choosing between the least worst of the worst scenarios. But your choices are not equal. If you go forward, you will enter into a lifelong commitment because you silenced your voice. When you are ready to commit, I should think you would want to shout it from the rooftops. Now, if you were to shout into the sky, I doubt it would be with happiness and your impending union. Use your voice. It is the intimate, honest and honorable thing to do. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 In the end, you have to be ready to end it or it won't really be an ending. You will just go back to her when she comes pleading for you to take her back. The therapist says to leave her, we mostly say to leave her but unless you really believe it is the best for you, it won't stick. Maybe write out a pro and con list. Maybe tell her you are having second thoughts. Maybe postpone the wedding until you two get some things resolved. I see a bad marriage ahead otherwise. I'm sorry! I wish you some peace with this. Link to comment
sunnyhappydays Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Just marry her and give her all your money! It seems like you are going to anyway so I'd stop pretending that she is doing this to you against your will, accept that you are choosing this and try and make the best of it. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 You might not be a "fan" of meds, but if you have struggled with these issues for years, you can't rule out a chemical imbalance. Or even taking anxiety meds temporarily while you work on coping mechanisms to eventually get off of it. It might help you in this traumatic time. Link to comment
DepthOfField Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 To me this break-up just represents the worst kind of emotional trauma and I am the one inflicting it. If you're not going to do it, she will ... and believe me ... it will be A LOT worse if she cuts the cord. Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.