Is my idea of being with someone unrealistic?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

OP: from what I've heard, dating isn't very fun for us picky, overanalytical types. If you don't think you'll enjoy something, don't let others pressure you into doing it. You might be better off just "hanging out" with groups that include women, seeing if you feel anything with anyone (it sounds like you probably won't), and quickly moving on until you find someone you like.

 

The best advice I have seen in this thread. There is way too much pressure out there to "conform or be cast out" (quote from Rush's song, Subdivisions)...go on dates with hundreds of women just for the sake of having lots of numbers to choose from...perhaps even have makeout sessions with them even if it doesn't mean anything..it is just another way to add to the entertainment for the evening. Thing is, not everyone in this world is interested in going on hundreds of dates and having all kinds of makeout sessions with any number of dates because that is what you are "supposed to do". There are indeed people out there who don't fit what society deems as "the norm". The important thing in life is, as long as you are not hurting others it is okay to march to your own tune. Accept your uniqueness and work around it rather than trying to conform to what society deems as the only way to go about doing things.

[BrianH46]

Yeah except he has no social life.

 

Matt: How can I get a social life?

ENA: Try volunteering.

Matt: Eh, I just don't see the point of basically working for free yanno?

 

Matt: How can I find new interests?

ENA: Clubs/activities at school. Do something random until you find something you enjoy.

Matt: Eh, I just can't do something without having a prior interest in it yanno?

 

Matt, you lack the drive to follow through with anything, that is your problem. Be it dating or personal growth, you will have a retaliation or rebuttal for every single piece of advice you are given. I don't know what it is that is holding you back but you need to figure it out or things are looking grim for your future. The first step is to give up that condescending attitude in thinking that you are smarter than everyone else.

[camus154]

There is way too much pressure out there to "conform or be cast out" (quote from Rush's song, Subdivisions)...go on dates with hundreds of women just for the sake of having lots of numbers to choose from

 

No one has said that. The problem here goes far beyond a numbers game or any silly social norm issue. The OP has an astounding knack of circular reasoning that excludes doing anything to change his situation, whether that's dating more people or simply surrounding himself with a larger social circle.

 

So...sure. The OP can continue on with his unique, special self. But then why does he keep creating the same thread over and over again?

[Batya33]

I don't think his situation is unique -it's simply a way of self-sabotaging and having excuses to do nothing. As Rush also sang "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice" (love the other lyrics as well!)

[Batya33]

I suppose I can see what you're saying, but I don't feel like I'm looking for something THAT "deep" right off the bat. With the last girl I liked, I didn't feel like I knew everything about her before I started liking her. We just happened to spend some time together at work, and after a few encounters like that, I found myself thinking "I'm getting along really well with this girl, she's really funny, and I'm having a good time with her; I like her". That's it, really. I guess I just find myself wondering why I can't have that thought more often, yanno? It's not much of a conscious choice (I certainly didn't "choose" to become attracted to that last girl), I just either "feel" it or I don't. I wish I knew why, more often than not, it's "don't".

I think the reason why has to do with the severe limits you create on who you meet and in what context you meet them.

[Cope and Hope]

Yeah except he has no social life.

 

Matt: How can I get a social life?

ENA: Try volunteering.

Matt: Eh, I just don't see the point of basically working for free yanno?

 

Matt: How can I find new interests?

ENA: Clubs/activities at school. Do something random until you find something you enjoy.

Matt: Eh, I just can't do something without having a prior interest in it yanno?

 

Matt, you lack the drive to follow through with anything, that is your problem. Be it dating or personal growth, you will have a retaliation or rebuttal for every single piece of advice you are given. I don't know what it is that is holding you back but you need to figure it out or things are looking grim for your future. The first step is to give up that condescending attitude in thinking that you are smarter than everyone else.

 

Thank you.

 

No one has said that. The problem here goes far beyond a numbers game or any silly social norm issue. The OP has an astounding knack of circular reasoning that excludes doing anything to change his situation, whether that's dating more people or simply surrounding himself with a larger social circle.

 

So...sure. The OP can continue on with his unique, special self. But then why does he keep creating the same thread over and over again?

 

Exactly.

 

I don't think his situation is unique -it's simply a way of self-sabotaging and having excuses to do nothing. As Rush also sang "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice" (love the other lyrics as well!)

 

I don't know how many times all of these things need to be said for it to sink in OP but these are what you should be paying more attention to, not the "I can't bring myself to want to date" problem.

[Blue Spiral]

Yeah except he has no social life.

 

For some of us, wanting a relationship and wanting a social life are two completely different things. Wanting to be in love with someone has nothing to do with going out in public and spending time with strangers and doing a number of activities you aren't actually interested in.

 

A long time ago, when I was in relationship-seeking mode (but couldn't get into one), people told me to go out in public more and volunteer/engage in other activities. I tried it, and it made me miserable, and I frankly sucked at it, because I had zero interest. The truth is, people that want relationships are required to do a number of things to get relationships--and those things have absolutely nothing to do with actually being in a relationship. I'd never claim to be emotionally mature or experienced in relationships, but I fail to see how a million first-date convos or playing volleyball helps one to deal with the complexities of a modern relationship.

[LoveSoDeep]

I can see what I want, and I can express it, but I just can't seem to be able to get myself to do anything. I still can't see the logic in asking out and going out with girls I don't feel some kind of attraction (whether big or small) to. The whole concept of that just seems bizarre and odd to me.

 

Well maybe there's no logic to it! Love is many things and Logical is not usually one of those things. I understand that you're a logical person but obviously what you've been trying has yeilded very poor results. You don't like the fact that you're 24 and never had a date yet you're unwilling to change a few simple things just to try them out and see if maybe they will work. I mean even BlueSprial is suggesting you're going to need to try something new.

 

It's like you're dying from a snake bite and we're all sitting here with vials of antidote and you're just saying "Well I just don't understand why jabbing myself with a needle will do anything so I'm going to continue to suffer."

 

FINE go a ahead and suffer... if you'd like but I'd much rather see you alive, happy and a in a great realtionship...that's why we're giving you this advice...yanno?

[Blue Spiral]

OP: all of this stuff is hard work, especially for men, and I believe that apathy is normal. If you aren't feeling enthusiastic about something, don't do it. It's not fair to yourself, and it's not fair to the girls, either, as you both deserve better.

[BrianH46]

Your advice was for him to hang out with girls in a group setting. My response: He has no social life.

 

Gives you life experience required for being in a relationship and trust me every little bit of that experience comes in handy when you fall in love with someone, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

 

I agree he lacks interest in doing anything but he still has the desire for companionship. Life doesn't work that way.

[Cope and Hope]

Not meaning to sound like I'm taking a jab at you here but non-sexual based relationships have always been about survival, reproduction, companionship, and/or social standing. If you fail to see how being able to hold up a conversation, playing volleyball if that's what one partners interest is, being able to interact together in social settings, or so on come in to play as important functions of a healthy modern relationship then you're failing to understand relationships altogether.

[camus154]

A long time ago, when I was in relationship-seeking mode (but couldn't get into one), people told me to go out in public more and volunteer/engage in other activities. I tried it, and it made me miserable, and I frankly sucked at it, because I had zero interest. The truth is, people that want relationships are required to do a number of things to get relationships--and those things have absolutely nothing to do with actually being in a relationship. I'd never claim to be emotionally mature or experienced in relationships, but I fail to see how a million first-date convos or playing volleyball helps one to deal with the complexities of a modern relationship.

 

That's because you're confusing all the stuff you have to do in order to find a relationship with all the stuff you have to do in a relationship.

 

OP: all of this stuff is hard work, especially for men, and I believe that apathy is normal. If you aren't feeling enthusiastic about something, don't do it. It's not fair to yourself, and it's not fair to the girls, either, as you both deserve better.

 

This is horrible advice. All you're suggesting here is to stay within your comfort zone and never bother with anything that doesn't immediately capture your interest or push your boundaries. What a boring and lazy life.

[goodfoot]

The problem with that is for the relationship to work, you would have to find someone who is equally anti-social. Otherwise she would always be wanting to drag you on some outing. The other problem is how do these two anti-social people even find each other?

[Cope and Hope]

That's because you're confusing all the stuff you have to do in order to find a relationship with all the stuff you have to do in a relationship.

 

This is horrible advice. All you're suggesting here is to stay within your comfort zone and never bother with anything that doesn't immediately capture your interest. What a boring and lazy life.

 

Exactly.

 

Also OP, I don't know you personally but you either are extremely lazy from the sound of it, have anxiety problems, or could be suffering from depression. A lot of your posts come off sounding like you may be suffering from some mild degree of anhedonia which usually stems from some other sort of affliction; just a thought that I thought I'd throw out there.

[BrianH46]

OP: all of this stuff is hard work, especially for men, and I believe that apathy is normal. If you aren't feeling enthusiastic about something, don't do it. It's not fair to yourself, and it's not fair to the girls, either, as you both deserve better.

 

Although he does not feel enthusiastic he still craves more than what he has, work sucks, school sucks, dating sucks but self reliance and love is worth it for most. If one is not willing to put in effort and sacrifice how can one demand the rewards?

[MattW]

It's like you're dying from a snake bite and we're all sitting here with vials of antidote and you're just saying "Well I just don't understand why jabbing myself with a needle will do anything so I'm going to continue to suffer."

 

FINE go a ahead and suffer... if you'd like but I'd much rather see you alive, happy and a in a great realtionship...that's why we're giving you this advice...yanno?

 

That's not a perfect metaphor, though; a more apt metaphor would be me dying from a snake bite and being offered a bunch of unknown vials of things that may or may not do anything for me.

 

The truth is, there's never going to be any perfect advice. Right now, you guys are telling me that I'm alone and unhappy because I'm not being more active and looking for it. Okay, I get that, I understand that. But what if I were being more active looking for it, and still not finding it? Then the advice would just become "You have to be patient", or "It'll come to you when you're not even looking for it", or that kind of thing. The whole "circular" thing works both ways, yanno?

 

Look, I'm not trying to argue anyone's advice, or say that I'm smarter or know better than any of you. The problem is, at my core, I've convinced myself that there's nothing in this life for me, no friends, no girls for me to date, nothing that can make my life fulfilling in any way. This feeling of "hopelessness" has been growing larger and larger over the years, to the point where I'm practically trapped underneath it. Again, I'm aware enough to see what I want and feel bad for not having it (and when something tangible is placed in front of me that I feel like I can attain, I do try to "reach" for it), but this feeling of hopelessness stops me from actually getting up and doing anything. Like I said, when something tangible is in front of me, I can often motivate myself to pursue it; for instance, when I fell for that last girl, I was able to push myself to straighten some problems out and ask her out. But without something (or someone) tangible and specific to set my sights on, I just feel like "What's the point?", and I can't motivate myself.

 

I don't WANT to go volunteer or do some random activity JUST to meet new people. If I'm going to do something like that, it would be because I'd want to partake in those activities, not because I'd hope to actually get anything from it. Otherwise, I'd just be going through the motions, and feeling sad and/ miserable if I'm not meeting people through them. Does that make sense? I haven't "met" anyone through school, I haven't "met" anyone through work, so what evidence would lead me to believe I'll "meet" people by volunteering or taking on some new activity?

 

I understand that right now, "dating" probably just isn't in the cards for me, so to speak. Perhaps that's a long ways off, perhaps it's not even worth considering at the moment. My primary goal for the last few months has been developing a more active social life, starting by befriending the people I know now and getting into their social circles. And I've been trying to do that. I made it clear to the people I know that I'd very much like to get out more, hang out with them, be more active, and whatnot. I've opened up a bit more, personality-wise, over the last few months, and many of them have praised me for doing so. I've been reaching out to people to try to make plans, go to a movie, go get something to eat, go to a bar, etc. But in all of this, I'm still practically nowhere. I've "gone out" with friends twice over the last 2-3 months, once when they invited me out to a bar for drinks, and once for my birthday. No matter how hard I try to get things going, nothing happens, and I end up having to hope that, one of these days, they'll just invite me out again. All I have is one girl who claims she'll help me "get out" more five months from now after she has her baby, and a guy who's said he'd help me socialize more but isn't very reliable with actually setting up plans with thus far. So, I still don't feel like I'm making much progress or moving forward much at all.

 

That's what goes through my head.

[Cope and Hope]

Let's try a different approach.

 

Read your own post, multiple times if you need to, and tell me why you don't think a girl would want to date you.

[MattW]

Let's try a different approach.

 

Read your own post, multiple times if you need to, and tell me why you don't think a girl would want to date you.

 

My last post? Here's the thing, though. The way I come off on here is not the way I am offline. I know, I probably sound like a dreary, miserable, gloomy black hole of sadness, but I'm not like that around people I consider friends. I'm more lax, upbeat, I joke around and playfully tease people, etc. Heck, if you saw me interacting with the people in my life right now, you probably wouldn't even think it's the same person that posts here. When I'm around people I want to be around, I just sort of bottle up all the sad negative thoughts and emotions, and when I come home, I let them all spill out on forums like these.

 

I'm just frustrated, because I've been "trying" harder than I have been in a while to be more actively social, and whatnot, over the last 4-5 months, and after all this time, I still feel like I've made very little progress at all. I didn't expect to suddenly go from having no one to having a bustling social life in a matter of weeks, but I feel like after 4-5 months, things should be better for me than they are right now.

[Cope and Hope]

You're missing the point. I asked you to read it and identify the problem area of why people wouldn't want to date you and you did that I suppose. You recognize that you're constantly sounding dreary, miserable, and sad on here. You're right; that's exactly how you come off on here. Whether you act like that in real life or not doesn't really matter if you're just "bottling it up" because you're still feeling like that and I'm sure it shows to some extent regardless of how hard you try to hide it. You need to solve that problem first so that there's nothing bottling up, just the you that's showing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your advice was for him to hang out with girls in a group setting. My response: He has no social life.

 

Gives you life experience required for being in a relationship and trust me every little bit of that experience comes in handy when you fall in love with someone, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

 

I agree he lacks interest in doing anything but he still has the desire for companionship. Life doesn't work that way.

 

First date conversations, playing volleyball etc does not at all give you the skills to be in a relationship. If a bunch of dates and outings in groups helped people develop relationship skills there wouldn't be the sheer volume of troubled, relationships out there. Compassion, sincerity, loyalty, meaningful love, deep connection, consideration, not being selfish and self-involved...those are the attributes which are required..and no matter how many first date conversations and how much "relationship experience" a person has..if they don't have those other attributes within themselves then their relationships will not work or will last but will be miserable for at least one person, if not both.

[Batya33]

I think for many people dating can be great practice for relationship skills -others meet their "one" early in life without dating around. For me, all the dating I did helped me know myself and what I was looking for much better and let me experience a lot of different personalities, environments, challenges. Some of it was a uge waste of time. Oh well, that's life. I think dating would be great for the OP because it would show him the difference between acting and taking action on the one hand and contemplating his navel which is what he spends far too much time doing.

[BrianH46]

First date conversations, playing volleyball etc does not at all give you the skills to be in a relationship. If a bunch of dates and outings in groups helped people develop relationship skills there wouldn't be the sheer volume of troubled, relationships out there. Compassion, sincerity, loyalty, meaningful love, deep connection, consideration, not being selfish and self-involved...those are the attributes which are required..and no matter how many first date conversations and how much "relationship experience" a person has..if they don't have those other attributes within themselves then their relationships will not work or will last but will be miserable for at least one person, if not both.

 

Id take a person with life experiences over a hermit living out of their parent's basement any day. How do you think people develop the ability to harmoniously interact with each other? Sit on their asses and philosophize about morality and what works in a relationship between two people? Why is it that upbringing, culture, and society plays such an important role in shaping a person? It takes experiences, hardships, trials.

[craigslist]

Dude, all I can say is, when you meet her...you will melt! Keep on befriending, when you have the cash go and spoil a girl with a dinner, take a chance and live, but don't break your head about this. It will happen, this I promise you, but do not stop looking...she's looking for you too. And when she is there, and you melt, you tell her, you tell her the moment you see love in her eyes.

[Blue Spiral]

I agree he lacks interest in doing anything but he still has the desire for companionship. Life doesn't work that way.

 

I know (and am related to) a lot of people who are pretty reclusive/introverted, but managed (and are managing) to sustain long relationships. Life doesn't work just one way.

[Blue Spiral]

Not meaning to sound like I'm taking a jab at you here but non-sexual based relationships have always been about survival, reproduction, companionship, and/or social standing.

 

I don't have any non-sexual relationships, so I wouldn't know.