Is my idea of being with someone unrealistic?

[MattW]

My ideal partner, and long term relationship, has always been someone that's basically my best friend, but more than that, too. Someone I can comfortably talk to about any subject, be relaxed around, have a lot in common with, have the same sense of humor, etc. Thing is, I almost never actually "connect" with a girl in that way. Don't get me wrong, I don't have problems talking to and befriending girls, but there's never any "attraction" in a more than friends kind of way. There have only been a teeny tiny, super minuscule handful amount of girls in my lifetime that I've ever wanted to date (and none of those ever panned out because the girls in question weren't interested in me).

 

So, that's had me thinking, recently, and I'm starting to wonder if maybe my ideal partner/ relationship is unrealistic. Maybe that "best friend and more" idea is just a fairy tale. Maybe most relationships come about when two people find someone they can put up with and tolerate just enough to consider themselves "dating". Perhaps that's my problem? Perhaps that's why, at 24, I've never been on a date, let alone had a girlfriend? Because instead of looking for my "best friend", I should be looking for someone I can "put up with" just enough to be with.

 

I'm not particularly a fan of that idea, because it seems kinda sad and bleak, and I'm not sure I could ever really be happy with someone that I'm just "putting up with" and "tolerating" enough just to get by. But I kinda feel like maybe that's just how dating, and long term relationships actually are.

[Jennifer89]

Haha, no, you don't want someone who you can just stand to be around.

 

Maybe you need to be less lucky about the way a girl looks. That type of attraction often builds over time.

[MattW]

Maybe you need to be less lucky about the way a girl looks. That type of attraction often builds over time.

 

I honestly don't even think about how physically attractive a girl is until we've made a more mental/ emotional connection, so that's not really an issue for me.

[BrianH46]

My gf is my best friend and knows me better than even family. Guess what, we didn't start out that way, she was just a pretty girl in one of my labs that I wanted to get to know better. We dated, fell in love and are still getting to know each other. To know someone intimately its easier ifyou have an intimate relationship.

[EssexMan]

Like Jennifer said, you definitely want someone who's more than tolerable and bearable!

 

But, despite all the hype around "love at first sight" and the "instant click", it doesn't necessarily work that way. Of course, nothing's likely to develop if you actually dislike somebody, but as long as you feel comfortable with them and get on with them, you can find over time that the connection gets closer.

 

This is, basically, why you need to date (formally or informally) if you want to eventually be with someone: you need to start spending one-on-one time with girls. Eventually one of them will feel right.

 

It might be the first or it might be the twentieth, and although maybe there are ways you can maximise your chances of finding the right one early on, so much of it is just luck that fretting about "should I date her or shouldn't I" is really a waste of time. After all, the worst that can happen is that you have a fun few hours out with a pleasant person.

 

(Well, okay, the worst that can happen is that she can turn out to be a hired assassin despatched by your enemies to entrap you into a date and slip uranium into your coffee, but it's not likely.)

[blueidealist24]

I don't think it is but I think it's hard to find. I think someone you get into a relationship with should be like you described but maybe you could go on dates with people who don't QUITE fit the bill, just for fun/socialization. I don't mean trying out a bunch of girls sexually, actually I would think that would be wrong, but just going out with various girls to the movies, dinner, concerts and such.

[camus154]

Feel like we've been over this before with you, OP.

 

I don't think your expectations from a romantic partner are unrealistic, but rather your need to have such a bond with a woman before you even entertain her as a potential partner. You keep putting the cart before the horse in this regard, and until you realize that and are willing to change tactics, I think you're just going to keep analyzing your situation here into the ground.

[MattW]

But, despite all the hype around "love at first sight" and the "instant click", it doesn't necessarily work that way. Of course, nothing's likely to develop if you actually dislike somebody, but as long as you feel comfortable with them and get on with them, you can find over time that the connection gets closer.

 

This is, basically, why you need to date (formally or informally) if you want to eventually be with someone: you need to start spending one-on-one time with girls. Eventually one of them will feel right.

 

Sure, but I'm not looking for "love at first sight" or anything "instant". As a matter of fact, any time I've become interested in a girl, it was only after having known her and gotten to talk and interact with her a bit. Like with the last girl I really liked, for instance; I knew her for kind of a while before I liked her, but we never really talked or interacted that much. Then, by chance, we found ourselves getting time to talk to each other and get to know each other (we weren't actually going places or doing stuff just the two of us, it was mostly just by coincidence that we'd get that one-on-one time together), and after a couple months, I'd fallen for her and wanted to date her.

 

Generally speaking, that's how it works for me (it just seems to happen so very rarely that that brings a lot of frustrations with it), and that's how I'd like it to. Honestly, I can't get behind the idea of just going up to some random girl I don't know and asking her to go out with me. I need to know a little about her and see how well we really get along before I know if I want to spend one-on-one time with her.

[EssexMan]

after a couple months, I'd fallen for her and wanted to date her.

 

I can't get behind the idea of just going up to some random girl I don't know.

 

You need to find a middle ground between "a couple months" and "some random girl". You might consider online dating (as a supplement to, rather than a replacement for, meeting girls in real life).

[BrianH46]

The reason why I hate your approach is because you expect life to hand you a soul mate, you expect to form a life long bond with someone without any effort on your part. Well you should know by now life is not fair nor will it ever be. From your threads it seems to me you refuse to take initiative in your love life is not because you are not attracted to women but because you have low self esteem. You are constantly worried about coming off as creepy and desperate and would much rather wait for signs to tell you that a girl might be interested and does not find you so.

 

You wait until you think it is safe to show someone how you feel.

 

You wait for these supposed connections before you invest in anything. Well again life isn't fair and fortune favors the bold, success favors the ones with initiative. If you continue doing what you are doing you will end up like a few of the members on here who are lonely and blame it on women instead of themselves.

[MattW]

I don't think your expectations from a romantic partner are unrealistic, but rather your need to have such a bond with a woman before you even entertain her as a potential partner. You keep putting the cart before the horse in this regard, and until you realize that and are willing to change tactics, I think you're just going to keep analyzing your situation here into the ground.

 

It's not really a "tactic", though. I'm not saying I have to be best friends with a girl before we even start dating, or that I need to be head over heels for her beforehand, but I need enough of a rapport with a girl to see if there's any kind of connection at all. Basically, what I'm saying is, I need SOMETHING to stir up some kind of attraction to any one particular girl enough to want to go out with her, one-on-one. Usually something from her personality.

 

I just don't see the value in going around, asking out pretty much every girl I happen to bump into. I don't want to go spend one-on-one time with a girl I don't know anything about, and I don't want to go spend one-on-one time with someone I'm not drawn to in some way.

[Batya33]

I don't think what you're looking for in a relationship is unrealistic at all. I do think the way you think you can find that relationship is unrealistic (meaning you're not willing to do all the work it requires). I do know you're taking those small steps but from this thread it sounds like you're back to explaining it away in a passive way rather than looking for ways to improve your chances of finding the relationship you want. Chalking it up to "unrealistic" could give you another excuse not to do the work so I'd be careful of that. I think you know that what you're looking for is fairly typical. The way you're going about it (or not going about it) is not as typical. Obviously there is luck and timing too but I wouldn't depend on that as a way for this relationship to somehow fall from the heavens at your doorstep.

[camus154]

I just don't see the value in going around, asking out pretty much every girl I happen to bump into. I don't want to go spend one-on-one time with a girl I don't know anything about, and I don't want to go spend one-on-one time with someone I'm not drawn to in some way.

 

No one has said that you need to ask out every single woman you pass on the street--you just keep exaggerating the advice you've been given as an excuse to not take it.

 

I get it--you don't "understand" the dating approach, so by God, you're not going to change your own approach to things. Great. So now what? Should we continue to talk about your unique viewpoint and how odd you are and how unlikely it is for you to ever bump into just the right lady with just the right amount of intrigue to warrant your attention?

 

I guess I just don't see the value in your continuing to create threads about a situation you refuse to change in any way whatsoever.

[MattW]

The reason why I hate your approach is because you expect life to hand you a soul mate, you expect to form a life long bond with someone without any effort on your part.

 

I do think the way you think you can find that relationship is unrealistic (meaning you're not willing to do all the work it requires). I do know you're taking those small steps but from this thread it sounds like you're back to explaining it away in a passive way rather than looking for ways to improve your chances of finding the relationship you want.

 

I don't really understand. I don't see how I'm "expecting to be handed someone without doing any work". What "work"? All I'm saying is, apparently unlike every other person out there, I don't operate the same way when it comes to wanting to date people. Like I said, I see no value in just going up to every girl I come accross and asking her out. That seems crazy, to me, and again, I don't want to go spend one-on-one time with some girl I know nothing about at all. In my entire life, there's never been a single time where I knew a girl for only a very brief period of time (or even just saw her in passing) and thought "I'd like to go out with her". Again, I'm not expecting to fall head over heels for someone, and just instantly jump into a long term committed relationship with them. But I need something to draw me to a girl other than "She's a girl and I'm a guy".

 

From your threads it seems to me you refuse to take initiative in your love life is not because you are not attracted to women but because you have low self esteem. You are constantly worried about coming off as creepy and desperate and would much rather wait for signs to tell you that a girl might be interested and does not find you so.

 

Eh, I disagree. Er, well, I mean, I DO tend to operate under the assumption that me expressing interest in a girl in any way would come off as "weird", "creepy", and/ or "desperate", but I really honest-to-god don't "hit it off" well enough with the vast majority of girls I've encountered to want to date them.

[MattW]

No one has said that you need to ask out every single woman you pass on the street--you just keep exaggerating the advice you've been given as an excuse to not take it.

 

I get it--you don't "understand" the dating approach, so by God, you're not going to change your own approach to things. Great. So now what? Should we continue to talk about your unique viewpoint and how odd you are and how unlikely it is for you to ever bump into just the right lady with just the right amount of intrigue to warrant your attention?

 

I guess I just don't see the value in your continuing to create threads about a situation you refuse to change in any way whatsoever.

 

I just don't really understand the advice you guys are trying to tell me. From what I gather, it boils down to "Ask/ go out with more girls". Perhaps I did exaggerate it a bit, but even still, all I'm saying is, it's not as simple, in my mind, as just "asking out" (and actually going out) with more girls, because I don't feel connected and/ or attracted enough to any one particular girl very often to actually want to spend one-on-one time with her.

[Batya33]

We've all told you what work needs to be done. I don't think you are unique in your concerns about dating/rejections, etc - you just are using them as excuses not to be proactive in your search for a good match. I wouldn't be giving you this input if I hadn't worked my tail off for at least 20 years to find a good match. It was well worth the effort but no it didn't just fall into my lap.

[BrianH46]

So are you asking advice on how to find women attractive?

[camus154]

Sorry, OP, but I'm not buying this "I just don't understand your advice" bit. Maybe it's not how you'd prefer things to go, maybe the whole dating game would be pushing you outside your comfort zone, but I don't believe you don't rationally understand the concept of casting a wider net in order to get better results.

 

As long as you continue to hold onto this "I can't fathom spending one on one time with strangers without some deeper connection" excuse, you're going to continue indulging in this analysis of how strange and unique you are, and how rare it will be for the right woman to stumble into your life. At this point I think you're actually more invested in this self-concept than in finding a good relationship.

[blueidealist24]

I think you either have to take the suggestions people are giving (cast a wider net etc.) if you want dating to be easier OR keep doing it the way you're doing.. there isn't anything WRONG with the way you're approaching it now but if you keep approaching it like that you'll have to accept that it will be very hard to find someone. Not impossible, but hard.

[EssexMan]

I just don't really understand the advice you guys are trying to tell me. From what I gather, it boils down to "Ask/ go out with more girls". Perhaps I did exaggerate it a bit, but even still, all I'm saying is, it's not as simple, in my mind, as just "asking out" (and actually going out) with more girls, because I don't feel connected and/ or attracted enough to any one particular girl very often to actually want to spend one-on-one time with her.

 

Yet you happily spent one-on-one time with this girl you mention for two months. I think that all that a lot of people here are suggesting is, bring the dating stage forward a bit - for example, maybe you should have asked her for a date after hanging out with her for a couple of weeks, rather than months.

[Kamisaur]

I think it's important not to compare women you barely know to your ideal fantasy woman you make up in your head.

 

The women you see may have the ability to be your fantasy woman but stuff like that takes a lot of time and getting to know each other and they just aren't going to stack up at the beginning.

 

Throw out the image you have of the woman you want to marry. Just focus on the traits that make you want to get to date number one.

[MattW]

Yet you happily spent one-on-one time with this girl you mention for two months. I think that all that a lot of people here are suggesting is, bring the dating stage forward a bit - for example, maybe you should have asked her for a date after hanging out with her for a couple of weeks, rather than months.

 

I guess, but just for clarification, it's not that I knew I wanted to date her, but waited months for some silly reason. I just wasn't really thinking much about it that way, I was just enjoying getting to know her, and then that thought sort of crept up on me after some time. I can't imagine it would've made much (if any, at all) difference, had I asked her out sooner, to be honest.

 

I think it's important not to compare women you barely know to your ideal fantasy woman you make up in your head.

 

The women you see may have the ability to be your fantasy woman but stuff like that takes a lot of time and getting to know each other and they just aren't going to stack up at the beginning.

 

Throw out the image you have of the woman you want to marry. Just focus on the traits that make you want to get to date number one.

 

I'm not really so sure I have some "perfect fantasy woman" made up in my head, though. I mean, it's not like I'm thinking "She has to have this, she has to do that, etc.", and stacking every other girl up against that. At the same time, I feel like I know (now, more than ever) what "attracts" me to a girl, personality-wise. I just haven't had much like finding "it", and again, I'm not exactly going to chat up every girl I happen to come accross, hoping she'll have "it".

[camus154]

At the same time, I feel like I know (now, more than ever) what "attracts" me to a girl, personality-wise. I just haven't had much like finding "it", and again, I'm not exactly going to chat up every girl I happen to come accross, hoping she'll have "it".

 

Here we go again. You haven't had luck finding it, but you're not going to do the things most people do in order to find it.

 

Such a conundrum!

[Firiel]

I guess, but just for clarification, it's not that I knew I wanted to date her, but waited months for some silly reason. I just wasn't really thinking much about it that way, I was just enjoying getting to know her, and then that thought sort of crept up on me after some time. I can't imagine it would've made much (if any, at all) difference, had I asked her out sooner, to be honest.

 

To me, this is what the early stages of dating are all about-- just getting to know the person. I think there can be a lot of pressure on "going out on a date" when really, it's just two people meeting each other and seeing if there is anything there. I know that I work a lot like you, MattW. I rarely met a man that I clicked with immediately, and I rarely experience attraction to someone that I just see as opposed to know. I lucked out by meeting a guy fairly early in my life who was interested in me and was willing to just hang out and get to know me before we got together. Because I knew that my attraction worked differently than most people's, I told myself that if a guy asked me out, I would say yes even if I wasn't immediately attracted (as long as he was nice, decent, etc.), and that if I was enjoying the time with him, I would allow for three dates to see if a spark appeared.

 

I think you do need to ask more girls out. While I've seen friendships blossom into romances, many people still do the whole annoying first date to casual dating to relationship thing. Just think of it as getting to know a girl. If you are the type of person who develops a spark instead of having it immediately, then you need to put yourself in a position for that spark to develop. Perhaps it would help if you thought about some lower stakes things for a first date? Instead of dinner at a nice place, maybe you could ask a girl to go hiking or bowling or out for coffee. That way, you are "getting to know her," but it's one-on-one and also much less threatening that a typical first date.

[MattW]

Here we go again. You haven't had luck finding it, but you're not going to do the things most people do in order to find it.

 

Such a conundrum!

 

You're missing the point, though. I'm not saying "I refuse to talk to any woman I don't know!". All I'm saying is, when I'm out and about, I don't find any "moments" with random girls for anything to come of it. I don't have those "moments" where I'm at a store and me and some girl just happen to be looking at the same product, or I'm at a coffee shop and happen to be in line with a girl to chitchat with, etc. Heck, I've gone out to bars a couple times with friends lately, and I didn't meet anyone new because I was enjoying time with my friends.

 

I just can't see myself prowling around for random girls to ask out. That idea doesn't appeal to me in the slightest, and it makes no sense to me. All I want is to have some sort of friendship and/ rapport with a girl before I know if I want to date her or not. I don't understand why that seems to be such a bizarre concept. Many of the happy couples I know now seemed to start that way with their partners. One married couple I know used to work together before they started dating. Another girl I know started dating her best friend's brother after they got to know each other a bit. I've known a few guys that met their girlfriends through school (be it high school or college). I just don't understand why I can't meet people that way, why stuff like that doesn't happen for me.

 

Again, I think some of you think I have these crazy high expectations that I'm going to be super best friends with a girl, and then suddenly jump into a happy loving committed relationship, and that's not what I'm saying at all. But I need some kind of initial appeal to want to get to know a girl better and spend more time with her to begin with. For most guys, that's just finding a "cute" or "hot" girl and asking her out. For me, I'm more attracted to personality traits that aren't necessarily very prevalent in a person right away.

 

I'm not "scared", "lazy", or "unwilling to put in the effort", but I just can't wrap my head around chatting up random girls and asking them out when there's nothing that immediately draws me in and makes me want to chat them up.

 

I mean, let's say I go out for lunch right now, and there's a random girl in line ahead of me; keep in mind, I don't care about physical attraction, so let's factor that out entirely. Why should I bother attempting to chat her up? Could she be a really great, awesome girl? Absolutely. But if nothing about her immediately draws me to her, I have no reason to approach her, or especially ask her out.

 

This method basically sounds like throwing all kinds of **** at the wall and hoping that maybe, just maybe, one will stick, and that just doesn't sit well with me.