Is my idea of being with someone unrealistic?

[camus154]

Well, for one, all you keep talking about is approaching random women on the streets or in a bar. I believe many of us have suggested online dating or meetups or other similar activities that are more conducive to finding someone.

 

This method basically sounds like throwing all kinds of **** at the wall and hoping that maybe, just maybe, one will stick, and that just doesn't sit well with me.

 

That's largely what dating is all about. If that doesn't sit well with you, too bad. Well, too bad for you, because you're putting yourself right back at square one and limiting your possibilities to a remarkable degree.

 

Honestly, I don't understand what your big idealistic opposition is to the idea of dating, but you're only hurting yourself with it.

[EssexMan]

I mean, let's say I go out for lunch right now, and there's a random girl in line ahead of me; keep in mind, I don't care about physical attraction, so let's factor that out entirely. Why should I bother attempting to chat her up? Could she be a really great, awesome girl? Absolutely. But if nothing about her immediately draws me to her, I have no reason to approach her, or especially ask her out.

 

Sounds to me like you've got yourself a chicken-and-egg situation here. Given that physical attraction isn't a big factor (which is fine, I'm the same), you need to talk with somebody before you know that she might have something to draw you. But you won't talk to her until you know that she has something to draw you.

 

So I think you just need to be looser on the latter. Talk to girls more. Spend more time with them when the opportunity presents itself - heck, just call it "spending time with girls" rather than "dating" if that makes you more comfortable. (I don't particularly like the formal "first date", "second date" etc. sequence either, it's just being with somebody, after all.)

[epsilon2x]

I don't want to get flamed here for saying this but I say this all the time.

 

Don't worry about the girl's personality. If you find them attractive, try to get them in bed asap (Maybe not the first date... second or third.. at least try to get closer and closer each time). The reason for this is because in my dating experience, I've found that girls are more likely to open up with you and be themselves after you've slept with them a couple times. Both the guy and girl will be less uptight thinking stuff like "Should I tell this girl I like to play pokemon on the weekends with my friends yet? Probably not, she probably won't want to see me any more if I show her my real hobbies/activities."

 

I'm telling you it's not a fairy tale relationship of what you want. You're just going about it in the wrong way.

[BrianH46]

"I just can't see myself prowling around for random girls to ask out."

"This method basically sounds like throwing all kinds of **** at the wall and hoping that maybe, just maybe, one will stick, and that just doesn't sit well with me."

Your condescending attitude doesn't sit well with me. At the end of the day I risked rejection and found a girl that understand/loves me, while you on the other hand keep posting the same thing over and over while ignoring any advice given to you.

[superfan]

OP - are you in school? Do you have a job of some kind? Most people in your age range either attend some kind of post secondary school, or have some kind of part/full time work.

 

School is a MUCH easier way for people to meet one another. Most people in their early to mid twenties meet their partners through classes/program events or functions, etc. Once you graduate however, finding people to add to your social circle takes effort and work. That's right, it takes WORK. I am not ONLY talking about meeting someone you want to be in a relationship with, I am talking about just finding a social group of friends to hang out with. As you get older, this will become more and more difficult and you WILL have to work hard to meet new people and/or maintain old relationships.

 

Why? Because circumstances CHANGE. People get married and start families. They get new jobs and move away. I am 30 years old and I know from experience that it has taken a lot of effort either to keep my social circle in tact (since most are having children and/or moving and don't have time anymore) and meeting new people. It's HARD.

 

Normally making friends and meeting people was easy: You meet someone that shared a class that you were in, and you find out you like the same show, or music, or whatever and boom. You are friends and hanging out. Once you get out of settings like that it becomes a lot harder. You can't just count on being thrown into social situations in your work force - you are going to encounter many people in your job from different social/economic/age backgrounds. They might not have anything visibly in common with you - you might have to take a chance and try to spend time with them to get to know them before you know if you "click". Do you see what I am saying??

 

This kind of approach does not just apply to dating. It applies to ANY kind of social aspect in life. The older you get, the harder it is because life does not present you with situations with which you can slowly get to know a person before you decide if they are worth more of your time.

 

Are there any kinds of situations where you might naturally meet new people? Do you work with females around your age? Do you go to school at all? Could you join some kind of group in your area in order to meet new people? This doesn't have to be about dating. Join these groups with the sole intention of hanging out with people you meet outside the group - you could even make it group settings or girls and guys at first so it doesn't feel like "dating". Then, if someone catches your attention work at it that way.

 

I too second the theory that you need to be more proactive in your approach. Yes, it would be nice if you met someone you connected with on an emotional level and that was what made it progress to "dating" - but most people operate on the physical level when first meeting a person. It puts you at a disadvantage whether you like it or not. These people have no problem with pursuing the object of that attraction because they already know that physically they like what they see. If it develops or doesn't then depends on how well they connect. Basically humans are set up to behave that way in order for procreation to work.

 

How unimportant is physical attraction? Do you have sexual desires/urges? Would you consider yourself A sexual? I only ask this because for most people, physical attraction is almost as important as a mental connection when considering a potential partner. Sometimes a person can meet somebody and though they might not be physically attracted at first that attraction CAN grow, (that's what happened with me and my husband) but these instances are not as common as the initial physical pull.

 

I understand the frustration to an extent. I didn't meet my husband until I was 24, and up until then I HAD dated, but the guys I dated or had relationships with never did anything for me, and I generally dumped them very quickly. I was a very picky person when it came both to physical attraction and/or personality compatibility and most of the time, guys would pursue me but I would have zero interest in returning their attraction. I started to feel very isolated because it seemed like all around me people were getting into big relationships that would be drama filled, or super intense, etc and I couldn't bring myself to be interested in the guys I met or interacted with - they all felt the same.

 

What exactly ARE the personality traits you are looking for? Do you want her to share similar interests to you? If so, what are those interest? Do you want her to have similar political views/religious views? Do you want her to have a specific type of humour? Do you want her to do specific things or have hobbies in her spare time that match yours? Are you an outdoorsy person or more indoors? What kind of attitude does she have to have? Without knowing that, it's hard to suggest places you might go to meet these types of women.

 

You definitely will get more results if you open yourself up to getting to know people just for the sake of getting to know them. Until you do that, I think the frustration will mount.

[MattW]

Well, for one, all you keep talking about is approaching random women on the streets or in a bar. I believe many of us have suggested online dating or meetups or other similar activities that are more conducive to finding someone.

 

I've tried online dating a number of times, and nothing ever comes of it for me. I looked over tons of "tips" as to how to best present yourself and get girls to message with you on dating sites, I signed up to a good number of them, I forced myself to write to a bunch of girls, and none ever wrote me back. Heck, I had a handful of girls write to me first, and after we messaged back and forth once or twice, I never heard from them again. I mean, I'm not broken up about any of this, because I didn't really care much to begin with, but online dating just doesn't seem to be for me, and it doesn't seem any more helpful than trying to meet people in person.

 

Honestly, I don't understand what your big idealistic opposition is to the idea of dating, but you're only hurting yourself with it.

 

Again, I'm not saying it's "bad", or anything like that, it just does not compute in my mind. Maybe it works for some people, hell, maybe that's how most people "date", but it just doesn't make any sense to me, and I don't get it.

 

Sounds to me like you've got yourself a chicken-and-egg situation here. Given that physical attraction isn't a big factor (which is fine, I'm the same), you need to talk with somebody before you know that she might have something to draw you. But you won't talk to her until you know that she has something to draw you.

 

The thing is, I'm very much an introverted person (though I'm attracted to girls who are a bit more extroverted, but not so much so that I feel like I can't "keep up with them"). If I had to, I could probably make light chitchat with any random girl, but even if I did, I highly doubt I'd find a compelling reason to ask her out (or even just for her phone number). Again, the traits that draw me in to a girl in that way take some time to find, more time than just simply chitchatting with a random girl.

 

I don't want to get flamed here for saying this but I say this all the time.

 

Don't worry about the girl's personality. If you find them attractive, try to get them in bed asap (Maybe not the first date... second or third.. at least try to get closer and closer each time). The reason for this is because in my dating experience, I've found that girls are more likely to open up with you and be themselves after you've slept with them a couple times. Both the guy and girl will be less uptight thinking stuff like "Should I tell this girl I like to play pokemon on the weekends with my friends yet? Probably not, she probably won't want to see me any more if I show her my real hobbies/activities."

 

I'm telling you it's not a fairy tale relationship of what you want. You're just going about it in the wrong way.

 

Eh... I've never had sex (hell, I've never even purposely touched a girl in any way, even something more innocent and non-offensive), and that's a whole other can of worms to deal with. I... do have a sneaking suspicion that I'd probably drop my "uptight" nature completely after having sex with a girl, but I'd prefer to find someone special to actually have that with.

 

OP - are you in school? Do you have a job of some kind? Most people in your age range either attend some kind of post secondary school, or have some kind of part/full time work.

 

I'm finishing up college, and I've been working part time in retail for 4-5 years, now. Always kinda kept to myself in classes (everyone else always seemed to come into classes with a friend or two already that they could hang around with and talk to), and my classmates have been skewing a bit older lately, anyway. At work, I deal with a lot of people per shift, but never "hit it off" with any particular customer, or anything like that.

 

Are there any kinds of situations where you might naturally meet new people? Do you work with females around your age? Do you go to school at all? Could you join some kind of group in your area in order to meet new people? This doesn't have to be about dating. Join these groups with the sole intention of hanging out with people you meet outside the group - you could even make it group settings or girls and guys at first so it doesn't feel like "dating". Then, if someone catches your attention work at it that way.

 

I work with quite a few people that are in my age range, male and female. A long time ago, they used to try to be more inclusive with me, but for a while, I had no real interest in having a social life, and I was kind of depressed in general. Lately, I've been trying to turn that all around, and I want to hang out with them more and do stuff, and whatnot. I've gotten to go out with them a couple times over the last 2-3 months, and I enjoyed it, but I can't seem to get things going with them too often. Ideally, I'd like to get into their social circles and branch out from there, but I've had a lot of trouble making that happen.

 

I've had two different coworkers, one male, one female, express interest in helping me "get out there", meet people, and find girls to date, but that hasn't gotten off the ground yet. The girl is waiting until she has her baby in May, so that's her excuse. The guy and I just haven't really been able to line anything up that fits either of our work schedules. Both of them seem to share a similar idea of taking me out drinking, getting me "tipsy", and having me try to talk to people that way. I'll definitely go out with them and do whatever whenever that may happen, but I'm not sure I expect to find what I'd really want by just going out drinking and carousing the bar/ club scene.

 

How unimportant is physical attraction? Do you have sexual desires/urges? Would you consider yourself A sexual? I only ask this because for most people, physical attraction is almost as important as a mental connection when considering a potential partner. Sometimes a person can meet somebody and though they might not be physically attracted at first that attraction CAN grow, (that's what happened with me and my husband) but these instances are not as common as the initial physical pull.

 

Well, let me put it like this. There are some girls I'm definitely not attracted to physically, for very obvious reasons. But generally speaking, I'm just not that concerned about physical characteristics. I have ideas about what I'd prefer, but overall, I don't care if she's blonde or brunette, I don't care if she's "well endowed" or not, I don't care if she's "curvy" or more "fit", etc. I don't think I'd consider myself "asexual"; in general, I find the female body to be alluring, but I don't really "sexualize" any of the women I meet and encounter on a regular basis (except for the rare handful that I've hit it off with especially well).

 

What exactly ARE the personality traits you are looking for? Do you want her to share similar interests to you? If so, what are those interest? Do you want her to have similar political views/religious views? Do you want her to have a specific type of humour? Do you want her to do specific things or have hobbies in her spare time that match yours? Are you an outdoorsy person or more indoors? What kind of attitude does she have to have? Without knowing that, it's hard to suggest places you might go to meet these types of women.

 

One of the most important things to me is sense of humor. I need to laugh, and I need to be able to feel like I can make others laugh. My brand of humor is very sarcastic and a bit observational; I very much desire to be with a girl that has the same sense of humor (though, from my experience, that's been a bit rare). I also prefer a partner that has similar outlooks on life as I do; I consider myself a bit smarter and more mature than my peers (not in a snoody stuck up "holier than thou" kind of way; I just kind of internally roll my eyes when I see peers having high school level drama, or idolizing things like Jersey Shore and Twilight), and I'd dig a girl that has that same sort of snarky-but-in-a-nice-way attitude. I want someone I can have playful banter with.

[EssexMan]

I've tried online dating a number of times, and nothing ever comes of it for me. I looked over tons of "tips" as to how to best present yourself and get girls to message with you on dating sites, I signed up to a good number of them, I forced myself to write to a bunch of girls, and none ever wrote me back. Heck, I had a handful of girls write to me first, and after we messaged back and forth once or twice, I never heard from them again.

 

That happens all the time on online dating to everyone, it doesn't mean you shouldn't persevere. I met my current gf and the previous one online, without putting a vast amount of effort into it, and I certainly wouldn't describe myself as some kind of hugely extrovert alpha male.

 

If I had to, I could probably make light chitchat with any random girl, but even if I did, I highly doubt I'd find a compelling reason to ask her out (or even just for her phone number). Again, the traits that draw me in to a girl in that way take some time to find, more time than just simply chitchatting with a random girl.

 

Don't take this as a criticism because it's not meant that way, but are you sure you aren't just manufacturing this "need to know her really well before dating" as an excuse not to run the risks of rejection that are inherent in dating?

[MattW]

Don't take this as a criticism because it's not meant that way, but are you sure you aren't just manufacturing this "need to know her really well before dating" as an excuse not to run the risks of rejection that are inherent in dating?

 

I don't believe so. Like I said, I'm not expecting to know a girl like the back of my hand before she and I go on the first date, but there has to be something that attracts me to her enough to want to spend more time with her one-on-one. Do you see what I'm saying? I need to see something in her personality that catches my eye, and that can take time. While I do take rejection pretty hard, I'm not "scared" of it, and I'm not intimidated by the risk of it.

[EssexMan]

there has to be something that attracts me to her enough to want to spend more time with her one-on-one. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

Of course. Pretty much everyone's like that, we don't just date completely random people, we pick the people who are attractive to us in one way or another (whether that's physically or mentally or in sense of humour or whatever).

 

I need to see something in her personality that catches my eye, and that can take time.

 

So the nub of the problem seems to be that it is taking you a lot more time than most people to decide that you might be interested in a specific other person. Not that you're inherently different, just that you're a lot slower to make a connection. Why do you think that might be?

[MattW]

So the nub of the problem seems to be that it is taking you a lot more time than most people to decide that you might be interested in a specific other person. Not that you're inherently different, just that you're a lot slower to make a connection. Why do you think that might be?

 

Honestly, I wish I had an answer for that.

 

Edit: Although, it's worth adding that time, alone, is not a factor. There have been plenty of girls I've known for a bit of time, and I never developed any kind of personal "attraction" towards as anything more than a friend.

[EssexMan]

It's worth adding that time, alone, is not a factor. There have been plenty of girls I've known for a bit of time, and I never developed any kind of personal "attraction" towards as anything more than a friend.

 

Again, same for everyone.

 

Has it occurred to you that you might just be normal?

 

There's a guy I know who goes to my local bar who is incredibly direct with women. It's pretty much "hi, I'm Jim, how would you like to come back to my place and ****?" - literally. It's hilarious to watch, he's so shameless about it. But, of course, he's not always successful - far from it, in fact, mostly he just gets laughed off. He is, I would imagine, attracted to women almost entirely by their physical looks.

 

So that's one extreme.

 

Then, in the middle, there's most guys, who take a little more time than Jim to get to know someone before they ask for a date (let alone what Jim's asking for). Looks and personality both matter, in differing proportions from one man to the next.

 

Then, at the other extreme, there's you. You're almost entirely about personality, and you just need more time than average, perhaps because personality can't be assessed as quickly as looks. But you're not innately different, and so...there's not really a problem, you just need patience?

[FYI]

Your best bet is to go into it knowing what you're looking for - it's alright to be friends, but you don't want to be too friendly. You want to express your romantic interest, making that clear as the water in Cancun, Mexico. Crystal clear. You don't want to be too friendly because it will destroy the romantic chemistry if there is any. You want her to like you, not play checkers with you.

[MattW]

I... guess. I just wonder if you can really say "there's not a problem" and that I'm "normal" when I've literally never even been on a single date at age 24. I can't say I know anyone personally that's never even been on a date by now, let alone had at least one "girlfriend/ boyfriend". That's not to necessarily say there's something "wrong" with me, per se, it's just hard to always be on the outside looking in, and I can't help but wonder why things can't seem to happen for me the way they happen for other people, in that regard.

[camus154]

I... guess. I just wonder if you can really say "there's not a problem" and that I'm "normal" when I've literally never even been on a single date at age 24. I can't say I know anyone personally that's never even been on a date by now, let alone had at least one "girlfriend/ boyfriend". That's not to necessarily say there's something "wrong" with me, per se, it's just hard to always be on the outside looking in, and I can't help but wonder why things can't seem to happen for me the way they happen for other people, in that regard.

 

Things happen for other people because instead of constantly talking about how different they are and how hard it is to find the right woman, they're out there dating and having fun and taking chances.

 

This isn't rocket science, OP.

[EssexMan]

I... guess. I just wonder if you can really say "there's not a problem" and that I'm "normal" when I've literally never even been on a single date at age 24. I can't say I know anyone personally that's never even been on a date by now, let alone had at least one "girlfriend/ boyfriend". That's not to necessarily say there's something "wrong" with me, per se, it's just hard to always be on the outside looking in

 

Sure.

 

and I can't help but wonder why things can't seem to happen for me the way they happen for other people, in that regard.

 

I suspect, from what you say, that you're setting your sights too high. Not in terms of going out with the most beautiful girl in town, but in terms of not recognising that there is a huge middle ground between a random stranger and Ms. Perfect-For-Me.

 

I'm also wondering whether you're more shy than you acknowledge.

 

Also, I suspect that the longer you go on without a move toward some kind of romantic involvement, the more over-analytical you are getting, and the more nervous that is making you about it. You're obsessing over the things that could be wrong. Your first post in this thread referred to the possibility of a "sad, bleak...long-term relationship"...but you haven't even taken one step down the road toward an LTR yet, so it's really not something you should be remotely worried about.

 

Do you, at the moment, know any single girls you feel comfortable chatting to - I mean about stuff in general rather than about relationships specifically?

[Batya33]

I... guess. I just wonder if you can really say "there's not a problem" and that I'm "normal" when I've literally never even been on a single date at age 24. I can't say I know anyone personally that's never even been on a date by now, let alone had at least one "girlfriend/ boyfriend". That's not to necessarily say there's something "wrong" with me, per se, it's just hard to always be on the outside looking in, and I can't help but wonder why things can't seem to happen for me the way they happen for other people, in that regard.

 

I don't know about anyone else but I mostly had to make it all happen for myself. By the way, I approached my husband first when we were in our late 20s -in fact I crossed the conference room to introduce myself to him. It took him several months to ask me out for lunch -he was very, very shy - but he did it (and if he hadn't I'm quite sure we wouldn't be together now because I was reluctant to date someone at work so he wouldn't have been someone I would have asked out). We dated seriously and broke up - many years later he got in touch to ask me to meet for dinner to catch up as friends.

 

Again, we both had to make it happen as far as getting back together - I kept in contact with him, he kept in contact with me and he took the step of asking me to get back together after three weeks of seeing each other as friends even though he preferred to wait longer (because of nerves and logistics). And then we both had to overcome the obstacles of geographic distance, our past mistakes the first time around plus being older and needing to get on the ball faster if we were to have a try at a family. So in one way it did just happen but in the real life way -took lots of work on both our parts plus an amount of fear/anxiety and stress. Go for it, I say. Soon.

[MattW]

I suspect, from what you say, that you're setting your sights too high. Not in terms of going out with the most beautiful girl in town, but in terms of not recognising that there is a huge middle ground between a random stranger and Ms. Perfect-For-Me.

 

I'm not sure I follow.

 

I'm also wondering whether you're more shy than you acknowledge.

 

To me, "shy" implies nervous and awkward around people. I don't feel I come off that way. I'm a bit quiet and reserved (particularly towards people I don't know well or at all, but that often goes away with some time), but that's about the extent of it.

 

Also, I suspect that the longer you go on without a move toward some kind of romantic involvement, the more over-analytical you are getting, and the more nervous that is making you about it. You're obsessing over the things that could be wrong. Your first post in this thread referred to the possibility of a "sad, bleak...long-term relationship"...but you haven't even taken one step down the road toward an LTR yet, so it's really not something you should be remotely worried about.

 

In a way, deep down, a part of me believes that there's no girl out there that will be both A) a great match for me, and B) equally attracted to me as I am to them. So, on one hand, I feel there's no real hope for me in that regard. But at the same time, it's super depressing to have that thought, and a different part of me wants to believe otherwise. The more time go by, and the more things don't work out, the more the first (hopeless) part "wins", and the sadder I get. I "overanalyze" and look for problems, because I hope to use logic to convince myself that I'll be okay accepting that I'll spend my life alone.

 

Do you, at the moment, know any single girls you feel comfortable chatting to - I mean about stuff in general rather than about relationships specifically?

 

Single? Not really. Just the last girl I asked out months ago, although over the last few weeks, she and I haven't talked that much, so...

[zep]

how are you supposed to connect with someone if you dont date them. you have to ask them on dates! thats how you start connecting.

[Ms Darcy]

Feel like we've been over this before with you, OP.

 

I don't think your expectations from a romantic partner are unrealistic, but rather your need to have such a bond with a woman before you even entertain her as a potential partner. You keep putting the cart before the horse in this regard, and until you realize that and are willing to change tactics, I think you're just going to keep analyzing your situation here into the ground.

 

Ugh, I totally agree. It's the same thread on a different day.

[Ms Darcy]

"I just can't see myself prowling around for random girls to ask out."

"This method basically sounds like throwing all kinds of **** at the wall and hoping that maybe, just maybe, one will stick, and that just doesn't sit well with me."

Your condescending attitude doesn't sit well with me. At the end of the day I risked rejection and found a girl that understand/loves me, while you on the other hand keep posting the same thing over and over while ignoring any advice given to you.

 

Agree with this as well.

[Capricorn3]

Agree with this as well.

I third this. I agree with BrianH46 and all of camus154's posts in this thread. OP, you seem to not want to do any work to get what you want, but rather, it seems like you feel it should all just fall into your lap without any effort on your part. So many many people have given you really good, solid, constructive advice, and all you do is find one excuse after another why something isn't possible or won't work. It's a recurring theme in every single thread you start. Every single one. What exactly ARE you hoping for (besides a girl to magically appear without any effort on your part)? Sitting on the internet complaining about your life and expecting things to happen, will not change anything. All it does is leave you stuck in the same place forever. Change comes from within.

 

You have two choices: Either you make an effort to change your ways, or you can complain about your life, do nothing to change it, and stay miserable and alone. Choice is yours.

[MattW]

I still don't see how I'm "making excuses" and "refusing to take action". Again, all you guys are really saying is "Date girls". What I'm saying is, my mind doesn't seem to process "attraction" the typical way, which is making dating and even just finding girls I WANT to date seem impossible. That's not me making an excuse, that's not me refusing to listen to your advice. That's just how my mind works, and I can't get it working the other way.

[EssexMan]

I'm not sure I follow.

 

I mean that you seem very concerned that you have to really, really, really relate to a girl before you'd ask her out. Not just relate a bit, which would be completely understandable.

 

a part of me believes that there's no girl out there that will be both A) a great match for me, and B) equally attracted to me as I am to them. So, on one hand, I feel there's no real hope for me in that regard. But at the same time, it's super depressing to have that thought, and a different part of me wants to believe otherwise. The more time go by, and the more things don't work out

 

But things haven't "not worked out", things haven't even existed. You're not giving yourself a chance to succeed or fail because, it seems, you're refusing to even consider dating anyone until you have this profound connection that...can take weeks or months of dating to reach.

 

I'm afraid I still think that fear of rejection could be an issue here, even if you're not acknowledging it. That you're finding excuses not to expose yourself to it. Which, if it is the case, is perfectly natural and understandable, but you'd need to acknowledge it to get it over it. Just speaking hypothetically.

 

Single? Not really. Just the last girl I asked out months ago, although over the last few weeks, she and I haven't talked that much, so...

 

What did you say when you asked her out, and how did she respond?

[EssexMan]

What I'm saying is, my mind doesn't seem to process "attraction" the typical way

 

Can you define how attracted, and in what ways, you'd need to be before you'd consider a date?

[Slimpee]

OP, you've said and received the same things over and over and over.

 

You say your mind doesn't seem to "work" a certain way. If you do the same thing over and over again, with the same results, what do you expect will happen if you continue doing the same thing?

 

Either you're going to have to force yourself to do something with which you're not comfortable or you're going to keep having the same questions over and over again, plain and simple.

 

Or go to a therapist and work out the issues blocking you from doing anything different.