Is my idea of being with someone unrealistic?

[penelope13]

Why don't you trade phone numbers?

[blueidealist24]

Well, I mean, that's basically what I have done, I'll say "Want to go see this movie this weekend?" or "There's this sports bar & grille over here that we should check out", stuff like that. And I tend to just get ambivalent responses. It's sort of hard to follow up with people, too, because these are mostly people I work with, and our work schedules don't always coincide enough for me to follow up with them in person. And I've never really traded phone numbers with anyone, so often times, my only way to follow up is via Facebook, in which case, nobody ever really responds when I write them on there.

 

The ambivalent responses could be somewhat because you said those people tried to reach out to you in the past, but you weren't that interested in socializing, then you decided that you were recently and started asking them to do stuff. They may be less enthused because you didn't seem enthused when they tried to socially involve you in the past, so you might have to try extra hard to get them back on your side socially. That happened to me in high school, for awhile I said no usually to people asking me to hang out on the weekends, because I was depressed but then after I got over depression I wanted to do things again but had nobody to do things with since I'd sort of pushed everyone away. It was hard to get back into the social life.

[MattW]

Why don't you trade phone numbers?

 

It's not that I don't want to, per se, I just never really found a good way to ask anyone that, and nobody has ever done so with me, either. I've just never had an excuse to say "Hey, let's swap numbers so that...". Especially with girls, because that kinda sounds more like I'm expressing "romantic" interest.

 

The ambivalent responses could be somewhat because you said those people tried to reach out to you in the past, but you weren't that interested in socializing, then you decided that you were recently and started asking them to do stuff. They may be less enthused because you didn't seem enthused when they tried to socially involve you in the past, so you might have to try extra hard to get them back on your side socially.

 

That's pretty much what I'm thinking, I just wonder how to "undo" that, then.

[penelope13]

You are probably more anxious about this than is necessary: next time you ask anyone to the movies etc, just say: this is my phone number in case something comes up and I/you'll be running late. - nothing romantic about it whatsoever.

 

To undo the impression that you are not interested in social activity you simply have to initiate again and again, i.e. be PROACTIVE rather than passive.

 

I know you don't like it, however what is more important to you: to remain in your comfort zone or to change your social life one way or another?

[EssexMan]

It's not that I don't want to, per se, I just never really found a good way to ask anyone that, and nobody has ever done so with me, either. I've just never had an excuse to say "Hey, let's swap numbers so that...".

 

You don't need a good way to ask for a phone number from someone you know. Just ask for it. "Hey, before I forget, what's your number?"

 

That's pretty much what I'm thinking, I just wonder how to "undo" that, then.

 

I think you should try to identify something (a movie, concert, party, restaurant, whatever) that would interest a lot of your friends/acquaintances, and then invite all of them. Of course many will decline because they have other engagements or it doesn't appeal. But some will say yes, and it could go a long way toward reversing the "outsider" image that you either have, or believe you have.

 

What city are you in, by the way? Purely out of interst.

[blueidealist24]

 

I think you should try to identify something (a movie, concert, party, restaurant, whatever) that would interest a lot of your friends/acquaintances, and then invite all of them. Of course many will decline because they have other engagements or it doesn't appeal. But some will say yes, and it could go a long way toward reversing the "outsider" image that you either have, or believe you have.

 

 

This is a good idea. I know people did show up for your birthday and have a good time, so perhaps you could make it revolve around another holiday. Maybe a night out for people who are single on Valentine's Day? I know that sounds kind of corny, but could work.

[Wonderstruck]

THANK YOU. I'm so glad that I wasn't the only one getting annoyed by that!

 

Crazyaboutdogs, I'm a huge introvert myself, and even I think that you need to tone it down with the "DON'T LET SOCIETY TELL YOU HOW TO BE!" stuff. Matt is lonely and desperately wants companionship, and he started this thread because he's trying to figure out why he's 24 years old and has never had a girlfriend. He has also complained in this thread about not having a circle of friends to hang out with, which would provide him with opportunities to meet girls and ask them out on dates. And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, he started this thread ASKING FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO CHANGE THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IN HIS LIFE.

 

What solid advice have you given him to help him in the way of trying to achieve these goals? What have you provided that will help CHANGE his situation? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR. He came to this forum looking for advice, and everyone here has provided him with countless helpful suggestions, a lot of insightful observations about his behaviour and mindset, and a lot of encouragement.

 

If he was perfectly happy being an introvert with no social life and no girlfriend, he wouldn't have started these threads asking for advice, and then maybe you would have a valid argument. But you seem to have taken this thread way too personally, and your argument seems to amount to "Don't change anything about yourself! You don't need to cave into this peer pressure!".

 

Ok, fair enough, but that point of view is completely useless in a thread where somebody has been doing something a certain way his entire life and IT HASN'T BEEN WORKING, AND HE'S UNHAPPY ABOUT THAT. If it's NOT WORKING, and he's complaining about it, then what do you suggest? Are you really telling Matt "Just don't change a single thing about the way that you approach situations, or who you are as a person, and the right girl will eventually fall into your lap, I promise! In the meantime, feel free to create countless threads about the same subject and complain as much as your heart desires! And if anyone suggests doing something out of your comfort zone, shut those conformist extroverts down immediately!"

 

I just don't get where you're coming from on this, and this is coming from a fellow introvert.

[MattW]

You don't need a good way to ask for a phone number from someone you know. Just ask for it. "Hey, before I forget, what's your number?"

 

True enough. I guess there's just some awkwardness I have to overcome, in that I've known some of these people so long, and I feel it comes accross as kinda weird that I'd just now be asking them to trade numbers.

 

So, you can be aroused by an imaginary woman based on looks alone. I wonder why that doesn't happen with real women? Or maybe it does, and you've convinced yourself it doesn't?

 

Also, I wanted to comment on this again, because I did a little thinking, and something kind of occurred to me. I'm not sure if I can properly explain this, so bear with me. Generally speaking, my main mode of operation in regards to people is "respect". Somewhere along the lines, I think I convinced myself that any kind of sexual advances towards a girl (and I mean even basic flirting, telling a girl she looks nice, innocently touching her arm, whatever) is "disrespectful". So, I sort of shut down that part of my brain entirely. Heck, even when I actually fall for a girl, regardless of if I begin to "fantasize" about her, I never make any actual advances beyond asking her on a date. Meaning, I don't "flirt" in a more "romantic" way, I don't compliment her looks, or express any kind of "sexual" interest at all, beyond making it known that I would like to go on a date.

 

I'm not exactly sure where that leaves me, but maybe that explains something...?

[EssexMan]

Somewhere along the lines, I think I convinced myself that any kind of sexual advances towards a girl (and I mean even basic flirting, telling a girl she looks nice, innocently touching her arm, whatever) is "disrespectful".

 

Obviously there's appropriate and there's inappropriate, but yeah, I think this is an issue you've created for yourself which is holding you back. I'll let one of the women respond in more detail!

[LoveSoDeep]

True enough. I guess there's just some awkwardness I have to overcome, in that I've known some of these people so long, and I feel it comes accross as kinda weird that I'd just now be asking them to trade numbers.

 

I know this is just your perception and it's going to take a while to change it but really....getting a number from a friend is no big deal...cell phones are our main means of communication....next time you're talking about any plans with someone just get out your phone and say "I don't think I have your number in here....what is it?" They'll probably just spout it off so have your text screen up and send them a text right then. Say "Great! I just sent you a text so you have my number too. I'll text you if I'm running late or something."

 

Also, I wanted to comment on this again, because I did a little thinking, and something kind of occurred to me. I'm not sure if I can properly explain this, so bear with me. Generally speaking, my main mode of operation in regards to people is "respect". Somewhere along the lines, I think I convinced myself that any kind of sexual advances towards a girl (and I mean even basic flirting, telling a girl she looks nice, innocently touching her arm, whatever) is "disrespectful". So, I sort of shut down that part of my brain entirely. Heck, even when I actually fall for a girl, regardless of if I begin to "fantasize" about her, I never make any actual advances beyond asking her on a date. Meaning, I don't "flirt" in a more "romantic" way, I don't compliment her looks, or express any kind of "sexual" interest at all, beyond making it known that I would like to go on a date.

 

I'm not exactly sure where that leaves me, but maybe that explains something...?

 

Now this sounds like a deep seeded issue that might even require professional help. Honestly I think stuff like this comes from how your mother or women in your life were treated by men....I'm not going to pry....but think about that. For instance when I was little my father hated make-up and lipstick...he actaully called my mother a hussy once for wearing lipstick....this has really affected me to this day I force myself to appear far mor conservative than I feel.....obviosuly that's not terrible it's just an example. Really think about how your mother was treated or how your father treated women....there may be something there.

[MattW]

Now this sounds like a deep seeded issue that might even require professional help. Honestly I think stuff like this comes from how your mother or women in your life were treated by men....I'm not going to pry....but think about that. For instance when I was little my father hated make-up and lipstick...he actaully called my mother a hussy once for wearing lipstick....this has really affected me to this day I force myself to appear far mor conservative than I feel.....obviosuly that's not terrible it's just an example. Really think about how your mother was treated or how your father treated women....there may be something there.

 

Hm. Well, I mean, my parents' relationship is pretty bad, but it's kind of the other way around. My dad is very submissive, and my mom verbally abuses him a bit, and even secretly cheats on him with old boyfriends. So, not sure if that would play into it at all.

[Batya33]

I think most people try to behave in a respectful way and sometimes, often inadvertently, they say something disrespectful or inappropriate and then have to reevaluate what their personal definition is of "respect'. So, you're smart, simply reevaluate how you define treating others with respect and remind yourself that people flirt and pursue in appropriate, respectful ways all the time. Be careful not to focus on "wow I'm such a nice, respectful guy" because you tend to try to make excuses for passivity - is it "respectful" not to flirt or ask someone out? Sure, technically, I guess so - but it's also respectful to be passive, etc. It's all about balancing. It's not "disrespectful" to share how you feel about something as long as it's done in an appropriate way. Your black and white thinking makes it easier in one way and in another gives you yet another excuse to be passive. Don't go there - keep reminding yourself that at least 99% of your social life is in your control.

[MattW]

I guess, it's just a "fine line" that kinda scares me a bit. I'm kinda terrified of being pegged as a "creepy pervert" for expressing that kind of interest in girls in any capacity.

[EssexMan]

I guess, it's just a "fine line" that kinda scares me a bit. I'm kinda terrified of being pegged as a "creepy pervert" for expressing that kind of interest in girls in any capacity.

 

I think what you're doing again here, Matt, is taking a fairly natural caution to an extreme level.

 

I generally leave physicality later than most people if I'm really interested in a woman, because I don't want to be pegged as having a get-into-their-panties agenda. (It absolutely isn't my agenda.) But by that, I mean I'll maybe leave the arm round the shoulders or the kiss a date or two longer than most guys would. Not never, ever touch them!

 

So, there's nothing wrong with moderate caution, but do remember that the girl may actually want you to express that physicality at some point, and be put off if you don't.

[Batya33]

I guess, it's just a "fine line" that kinda scares me a bit. I'm kinda terrified of being pegged as a "creepy pervert" for expressing that kind of interest in girls in any capacity.

 

I don't buy it. I think you're scared of putting yourself out there. You know perfectly well how not to cross the line and even if you did I'm sure it would be very minor and totally inadvertent.