Is my idea of being with someone unrealistic?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

so, if you are convinced you can do it, why not make some close friends. wouldn't hurt, would it? you can still look for a romantic partner at the same time.

 

having an active circle of friends (even if only a few) is an attractive thing in a partner. I would not date someone who has not an active social life. Expecting someone to be your entire world is quite unhealthy actually

 

There are many introverted people who are just quite happy to have their own solo activities and hobbies. They don't have an active social life, nor do they want it...nor would that mean that a partner would be their entire world. As an introverted person myself, I prefer to be alone pursuing my own interests with the occasional get-together with a friend or two...yet I know others who constantly need to be out and socializing with someone every single weekend. People have different lifestyles and just because someone is not a social butterfly does not mean they will latch on to a partner and expect them to be their one and only source of entertainment and companionship.

[EssexMan]

is it possible to be... partially asexual?

 

Heh-heh. I doubt it. Or if it is, we all are!

 

I "fantasize" about being with a woman. I just don't really "sexualize" girls I know personally (except for the rare few I become attracted to because of their personalities).

 

Do you fantasise about women who you don't know based on appearance, or is it all about personality again?

[EssexMan]

Hmmmm...it is interesting that never married older men are also assumed to be gay. While there is nothing wrong with being gay, you shouldn't automatically assume someone is just because they don't conform to the way the masses operate.

 

I don't think anyone was automatically assuming, just looking at it as one possible key to an unusual situation. OP's not an "older man", anyway!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think anyone was automatically assuming, just looking at it as one possible key to an unusual situation. OP's not an "older man", anyway!

 

I was referring to the clichéd speculations that people make when certain people don't conform to society's notion of what is normal dating and relationship experience....and yes, there was a level of assumption going on or else why trot out that same old tired cliché. It was trotted out almost in a fit of pique because the OP did not want to conform to the norm...it was kind of the "conform or be cast out" notion.

[MattW]

Do you fantasise about women who you don't know based on appearance, or is it all about personality again?

 

If we're talking about the, er, "sexual" kind of fantasizing, it's usually just made up women that are typically quite average looking (and there's not much conversation going on for "personality" to be much a part of said fantasies). But, sometimes I also just fantasize about conversations; I don't visualize myself or a girl in these fantasy conversations, I just sort of "hear" us talking about stuff, joking around, playfully teasing each other, etc.

 

I wanted to add to the whole "social" aspect of this topic... I'm not a lazy "hermit" that doesn't want to get out of the house at all; rather, there's simply nothing/ nowhere in particular that I, specifically want to do/ go (not to mention, I don't know my city very well, so I don't know what's around, anyway). If I had friends (or even a girlfriend) that said "Hey, we're gonna go here" or "We're gonna go do this", I would certainly go along and enjoy it, rather than choose to just stay at home alone. Again, there's just not much that I, specifically, want to go out and do.

 

A lot of my hobbies are things that aren't very conducive to getting out and meeting people, either. For instance, one "hobby" I've been getting into (and I hope to make a career out of, one way or another) is audio/ video editing. I get a kick out of it, and if I put a lot of work in, I can produce something that's kinda neat. But, that's kind of a lot of time spent sitting at a computer, trying to get all the little details just right. When I want to blow off some steam/ relax, I turn to video games, or reading a comic book, again, neither of which are particularly social activities. Or I'll pop in a DVD to watch, by myself. Stuff like that.

 

So, again, I'm not against doing things or going places, but there's just not really anything that makes me think "I'd really like to go here!" or "I really want to go do this!".

[EssexMan]

there was a level of assumption going on or else why trot out that same old tired cliché. It was trotted out almost in a fit of pique because the OP did not want to conform to the norm...it was kind of the "conform or be cast out" notion.

 

I think that's taking it rather more seriously than it was meant, at least by me...it was just a possibility put on the table in an effort to understand the OP's situation. I don't have any problem at all with the OP not conforming, and if he were happy with his unusual approach to dating, great...but he doesn't seem to be.

[EssexMan]

If we're talking about the, er, "sexual" kind of fantasizing, it's usually just made up women that are typically quite average looking (and there's not much conversation going on for "personality" to be much a part of said fantasies).

 

So the attraction to them in the non-conversational fantasies is on a purely physical level?

 

I wanted to add to the whole "social" aspect of this topic... I'm not a lazy "hermit" that doesn't want to get out of the house at all; rather, there's simply nothing/ nowhere in particular that I, specifically want to do/ go (not to mention, I don't know my city very well, so I don't know what's around, anyway).

 

"I don't know my city well, so I won't go out and discover more about it."

 

"I don't know that woman well, so I won't go out and discover more about her."

 

Exactly the same approach. Do you think that says something? (This isn't a leading question, I don't know what it says, but it strikes me.)

[Cope and Hope]

I was referring to the clichéd speculations that people make when certain people don't conform to society's notion of what is normal dating and relationship experience....and yes, there was a level of assumption going on or else why trot out that same old tired cliché. It was trotted out almost in a fit of pique because the OP did not want to conform to the norm...it was kind of the "conform or be cast out" notion.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, I'm not trying to sound offensive here but, can you please stop with all the "we don't need to conform to society!" nonsense? I don't know if it's because you're taking this personally because you're an introvert or what but no one has told him to conform to society here. If you actually read the posts by the OP, you'll see that HE was the one who wants an active social circle and is supposedly actively trying to gain one. How do you expect him to get an active social life if he's not actively being social? How would he be able to be actively social without socializing with others, many of whom would more than likely be categorized as "the norm"? By stigmatizing people for being normal you're being pretty hypocritical considering I'm sure you don't appreciate people stigmatizing you for being an introvert. What's worse too is that you're giving the OP counter-productive advice for one reason or another based on your personal experience; ruling people out as potential friends because they've "conformed to society" is idiotic.

 

And OP, the longer this thread goes on the more I become convinced that you're not actually looking for advice or a solution unless it's a quick fix. You're just sitting here trying to pretend like you're over-analyzing a problem but in actuality the only problem, barring medical ones perhaps, is that you can't stop making excuses for not taking lead in your life. I'm an ANALYST by career and I can tell you that from the looks of it you're not doing anything productive or gaining any worthwhile knowledge by sitting here asking the same questions and then rebutting everyone who answers.

[MattW]

So the attraction to them in the non-conversational fantasies is on a purely physical level?

 

I'd say it's just me trying to give myself some kind of "stimulation" when I'm, er, taking care of my urges, if you catch my drift.

 

"I don't know my city well, so I won't go out and discover more about it."

 

"I don't know that woman well, so I won't go out and discover more about her."

 

Exactly the same approach. Do you think that says something? (This isn't a leading question, I don't know what it says, but it strikes me.)

 

I mean... I see what you're getting at, I guess, but again, it's about reason. I don't feel I have much reason to "explore the city", because there's nothing in particular I'm looking for out there. Again, if someone I know suggested a place or an activity to do together, great, I'd be on board with that. But I just don't feel compelled to go driving around aimlessly to see what's around.

 

Likewise, if I see a random girl in passing, I don't feel compelled to approach her unless there's a reason, something to initially draw me to her. I'm usually not immediately drawn to women on a physical level, and said "reason" would likely be something more related to her personality, but yes, ironically, you can't really know much about a girl's personality until you talk to her. Personally, my "ideal" scenario has been to meet and befriend people in a group type of setting, with at least one or two familiar faces around for me to feel comfortable with, rather than just personally approach random women in random places alone. That's part of the reason I'd like to integrate into the lives and social circles of the people I know now, because the deeper they let me into their social circles, the more people I'll meet and befriend without necessarily having to just dive into a group of complete strangers all by myself and hope I can maybe hit it off with someone.

 

And OP, the longer this thread goes on the more I become convinced that you're not actually looking for advice or a solution unless it's a quick fix. You're just sitting here trying to pretend like you're over-analyzing a problem but in actuality the only problem, barring medical ones perhaps, is that you can't stop making excuses for not taking lead in your life. I'm an ANALYST by career and I can tell you that from the looks of it you're not doing anything productive or gaining any worthwhile knowledge by sitting here asking the same questions and then rebutting everyone who answers.

 

The thing is, I have no one else to really talk to about this stuff. I'm sorry if I'm frustrating you or anyone else here, but it's nice to be able to interact with people and talk about my issues like this. Otherwise, I'm just all alone, with all these thoughts stuck in my head, and that doesn't help me anymore than what I do now. Like I said, I'm not trying to shoot down what any of you are saying, it's just that a lot of it doesn't seem to "compute" in my brain. Again, I apologize for the way I am, but I'd rather have some anonymous people to talk to about all this, than to just bottle it all up and let myself get completely overwhelmed by it.

[EssexMan]

I'd say it's just me trying to give myself some kind of "stimulation" when I'm, er, taking care of my urges, if you catch my drift.

 

I do, and there is no need to be coy here.

 

So, you can be aroused by an imaginary woman based on looks alone. I wonder why that doesn't happen with real women? Or maybe it does, and you've convinced yourself it doesn't?

 

I don't think this is a problem, it's just rather unusual.

 

I mean... I see what you're getting at, I guess, but again, it's about reason. I don't feel I have much reason to "explore the city", because there's nothing in particular I'm looking for out there.

 

Why don't you trust serendipity - in cities or personal relationships?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ruling people out as potential friends because they've "conformed to society" is idiotic

 

Yikes..I don't recall ever saying that or implying that!! I have plenty of conformist friends and acquaintances!

 

you're giving the OP counter-productive advice

No, I am giving the OP advice counter to what everyone else is saying..in other words, I am giving him the other side of the coin advice which certainly adds a little balance to the discussion. I am pointing out that there is nothing wrong with being different and not following the crowd.

[EssexMan]

I am pointing out that there is nothing wrong with being different and not following the crowd.

 

Of course not...but if walking in the opposite direction from the crowd isn't getting him where he wants to be, then maybe following the crowd is worth a try. Not for its own sake, but to achieve his goals.

[MattW]

So, you can be aroused by an imaginary woman based on looks alone. I wonder why that doesn't happen with real women? Or maybe it does, and you've convinced yourself it doesn't?

 

I don't think this is a problem, it's just rather unusual.

 

I suppose it doesn't sound like it makes any sense. I dunno, that's just sort of how it happens. What I was getting at is, I'm not imagining and becoming aroused by a woman that looks any kind of specific way, but just the thought of me being with a girl at all helps me take care of my business, so to speak. Like I said, for whatever reason, I just don't really "sexualize" women that I personally meet and encounter in real life, unless I happen to fall for them beforehand because of how well we get along personality-wise. It does sound odd, and nonsensical, and I can see that, but again, that just seems to be what happens. Can't really explain it, yanno?

 

Why don't you trust serendipity - in cities or personal relationships?

 

Hah, I actually had to look up the definition of "serendipity", as I've only ever heard the word, and never knew what it meant. Anyway, I guess because "serendipity" has never really occurred for me in the past. Like I said, I've been in college for a while now, been working retail for years now, heck, even when I was in the last half of high school, I never had any "serendipitous" moments with people (platonic, romantic, or otherwise), places, or things. That's about eight or so years I've been in my "young adult" years, around people, and still nothing. Kinda hard to believe in "serendipity" when I've gone at least eight years without seeing any evidence of it, you know what I mean?

[EssexMan]

I just don't really "sexualize" women that I personally meet and encounter in real life, unless I happen to fall for them beforehand because of how well we get along personality-wise. It does sound odd, and nonsensical

 

Nope, not odd or nonsensical. I think most guys are like that to an extent (appreciating the personality can make a woman considerably more attractive), you're just an extreme case of it.

 

What remains problematical - as many posters in this thread have said - is that you're cutting yourself off from the opportunity to appreciate these personalities, by refusing to expose yourself to them unless you already appreciate them.

 

That, rather than your mode of developing sexual feelings, is what's not doing you any favours.

 

Kinda hard to believe in "serendipity" when I've gone at least eight years without seeing any evidence of it, you know what I mean?

 

That makes me believe you're either incredibly unlucky, very difficult to please, or not really open to new experiences. (Talking about places and things here as well as people.)

[penelope13]

There are many introverted people who are just quite happy to have their own solo activities and hobbies. They don't have an active social life, nor do they want it...nor would that mean that a partner would be their entire world. As an introverted person myself, I prefer to be alone pursuing my own interests with the occasional get-together with a friend or two...yet I know others who constantly need to be out and socializing with someone every single weekend. People have different lifestyles and just because someone is not a social butterfly does not mean they will latch on to a partner and expect them to be their one and only source of entertainment and companionship.

 

I never meant to say that there is only one way to find a partner or to live life. However OP is complaining about not having someone in his life right now. If he wants to live a solitary life and he is fine and happy - great! However it seems he wants to change that. Thus continuing his already tested and trialed methods might not increase his chances to finding the happiness he is seeking.

 

I'm not really sure what you are trying to express with your particular advice on this thread, but it seems to imply that you are suggesting him that he shouldn't change anything and just continue down a path on which he has already been and which he has expressed doesn't make him happy. I'm not necessarily following how this might be a promising avenue for him to find what he is looking for.

 

The more introverted someone is and the more particular personality traits someone has, the more challenging it is to find a like minded person, i.e. it's a question of probability if that 'perfectly suited person for you' will magically turn up on your door step one day. If you are willing to take the risk of waiting for that person to turn up by chance - by all means. However, dependent how important it is for you to find a partner one might want to change tactics to increase the likelyhood to finding a partner

[MattW]

What remains problematical - as many posters in this thread have said - is that you're cutting yourself off from the opportunity to appreciate these personalities, by refusing to expose yourself to them unless you already appreciate them.

 

Well, like I've been saying, I'm just really not the type of person that can be out on my own and just go up to some random stranger and try to make friends (or if it's a girl, as her on a date). Not because I'm "afraid", or anything like that, but I believe that's just a part of my introverted nature. If I have no specific reason to talk to someone I don't know, I'd prefer to just leave them alone and let them mind their business.

 

That's why my current short term goal is to break into the social circles of people I already know. If I meet their friends through them, that's easier for me, and there's less pressure in a group type setting like that, than if I just randomly go up to some stranger. Again, too, it's a short term goal. I'm basically trying to start myself off at a level I think I could be comfortable at, and work my way up from there. Ideally, once I start meeting my friends' friends, and their friends, and so on, I would start branching out more.

 

I've just had a hard time really getting anyone to allow me enter into their social circles, and make that first step. That's kinda where I'm stuck at, and it sort of sucks.

 

That makes me believe you're either incredibly unlucky, very difficult to please, or not really open to new experiences. (Talking about places and things here as well as people.)

 

I may just be biased towards myself, but I'd probably categorize myself as "unlucky", if those were my choices. I'm open to pretty much doing anything or going anywhere, as long as I'm with people that I'd even loosely consider friends. The issue I have is that I'm more of a "follower" than a "leader"; like I said before, if I had someone I know invite me somewhere, or out to do some activity, I'd absolutely go for it, but there's just not really anything that I ever come up with that I want to go out and do with other people. Basically, I'm very much open to doing whatever with people I know, I just don't really have any ideas of my own, as far as "Let's go out and do this", or "Let's go here". And the few times I do, it typically doesn't pan out (for instance, if I say "Let's go see a movie", or whatever, I tend to not get any bites from people).

[EssexMan]

What remains problematical - as many posters in this thread have said - is that you're cutting yourself off from the opportunity to appreciate these personalities, by refusing to expose yourself to them unless you already appreciate them.

 

Thinking a bit more about this, Matt (sorry, I missed the deadline for editing the post), what this cutting yourself off from opportunity boils down to is putting way too much trust in your first impressions. If they're not super-super-positive, you're writing someone off.

 

Compounding this, by the time you do get to know a woman well enough to consider dating her, she's probably at least unconsciously come to the conclusion that you're not interested in her that way, because you've known her a while and never given any indications of that.

 

Now, I'm sure nobody would suggest you date women you actually dislike. But maybe you could consider trying it with someone who initially just seems "okay", or "nice enough". You might be pleasantly surprised, and if you're not, it's not like you're committing to forty years of marriage.

 

But we've been here before!

[EssexMan]

That's why my current short term goal is to break into the social circles of people I already know.

 

Which is a great idea.

 

I've just had a hard time really getting anyone to allow me enter into their social circles, and make that first step.

 

What does that "hard time" actually, practically mean? What have you said or done, how have people responded?

[MattW]

What does that "hard time" actually, practically mean? What have you said or done, how have people responded?

 

Well, let me repost something I said earlier in this topic:

 

"My primary goal for the last few months has been developing a more active social life, starting by befriending the people I know now and getting into their social circles. And I've been trying to do that. I made it clear to the people I know that I'd very much like to get out more, hang out with them, be more active, and whatnot. I've opened up a bit more, personality-wise, over the last few months, and many of them have praised me for doing so. I've been reaching out to people to try to make plans, go to a movie, go get something to eat, go to a bar, etc. But in all of this, I'm still practically nowhere. I've "gone out" with friends twice over the last 2-3 months, once when they invited me out to a bar for drinks, and once for my birthday. No matter how hard I try to get things going, nothing happens, and I end up having to hope that, one of these days, they'll just invite me out again. All I have is one girl who claims she'll help me "get out" more five months from now after she has her baby, and a guy who's said he'd help me socialize more but isn't very reliable with actually setting up plans with thus far. So, I still don't feel like I'm making much progress or moving forward much at all."

 

Basically, any time I try to reach out to other people to get something going, I just get answers that amount to "Maybe" or "We'll see", but nothing ever actually materializes. It's only when they invite me out that I actually get to really spend any time with them.

[Slimpee]

Have you tried going to church young adult groups or hobby groups? I met good friends just by getting involved with the local cycling scene. Having a shared interest makes it much easier to interact.

[EssexMan]

Basically, any time I try to reach out to other people to get something going, I just get answers that amount to "Maybe" or "We'll see", but nothing ever actually materializes.

 

Why do you think this is?

[penelope13]

As with anything else in life, YOU have to make it happen. Most people even when well intended won't invest the time to sort out someone else's social life.

 

Can it be difficult and take time? - Yes certainly. I have moved to various different countries and had to literally start at zero, often not knowing anyone. The older we get the more challenging it becomes to make new friends let along a circle of friends. - But it's possible.

 

What you really need is patience and perseverance and the willingness to invest the energy yourself.

[MattW]

Why do you think this is?

 

I wish I knew.

[LoveSoDeep]

I wish I knew.

 

It sounds like you're just telling people..."I want to socailize more so invite me out if you're going out." And there's nothing wrong with that....but its just very passive and you can't expect much to happen from that. If you really want to get out more you need to make an effort. And I'm saying this from experience sometimes I go for months being a homebody and beign totally content with it but when I want to get out I have to reach out. If I see a movie I want to see I have to think...."hmmm who else would want to see this?" I make a list I find a daya nd I send out a message saying I'm dying to see the movie and asking who wants to join me....and you know what sometimes it's a total bust b/c schedules just don't work out but sometimes it turns into a great fun time and my friends remember that and invite me to more things in the future.

 

If you get a maybe that's your cue to ask again....let say the questions is "It's Taco Tuesday wanna grab a taco?" and they say "eh, Maybe." you should tell them to think about it becasue the tacos are really good and you'll check back later because you don't want them to be left out.....a little later you ask "So, tacos ....are you in?" they should give you a yes or no at that point.

 

You seem to be stuck on "why would I take the first step?" well the answer is if what you want is a more fulfilling life with more friends and activities and a SO then you kinda gotta get yourself out there.

[MattW]

Well, I mean, that's basically what I have done, I'll say "Want to go see this movie this weekend?" or "There's this sports bar & grille over here that we should check out", stuff like that. And I tend to just get ambivalent responses. It's sort of hard to follow up with people, too, because these are mostly people I work with, and our work schedules don't always coincide enough for me to follow up with them in person. And I've never really traded phone numbers with anyone, so often times, my only way to follow up is via Facebook, in which case, nobody ever really responds when I write them on there.