One Lost Soul

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Its actually kind of funny. The only two cards i got were from my psychotic mother and my grandfather.

 

The two people who have been known to forget my birthday.

 

My boyfriend came up with the excuse that he left it at work. But even though he drove past his work we couldn't stop off and get it.

 

I bought a cake mix ages ago - he could have made that. He has candles - he could have made it a romantic night by the spa with our left over drinks - candles - and cake.

 

But he did nothing.

 

Everyone bailed.

 

I had the worst day at work. It was horrible, everyone was angry, i got hit over and over. Whenever its someones birthday and i'm on, i always get a card and flowers and chocolates. No one thought of that.

 

On facebook i got 40 birthday messages. I have a million assosiates. I just have no friends.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

My entire life is nothing. This Journal has been going for a long time. But what do i get out of it really?

 

Its a rateable thing i see. 3/5. Average. That pretty much sums me up. I'm not the crazy mess i used to be. But even now after so much healing i find myself sinking back into what feels like a previous life. I have no one. I have nothing. My job is gone - health cuts took it from me.

 

My life is slowly losing control. I'm slowly losing control. I don't know what or who i am anymore. I've lost everything that defined me.

 

I think i'm going to fade away now. I have no friends. I have so few family. My boyfriend wouldn't notice if my life was taken from his.

 

I'm invisible. I blend in to the surroundings - i don't make them special or more attractive - i'm just a part of them. But more than that. My heart - its such a bloody mess. I'm a mess. And i hate that.

 

I don't want to be a mess anymore.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Everything is changing around me. My boyfriend and i are finally moving into a little house with a girl i work with. Not as good as alone, but better than here with his entire family. I love them to death and owe them so much, i just need my space right now. I feel like i'm slipping away from reality. Doing anything to just forget. B/ping. S/hing. Its like i'm going backwards, but to the mess of a person i was years ago. I want the antidepressants/antianxiety meds. I want that numbness. Its just all too much right now. With work being difficult, and life just falling apart around me. I'm losing control.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Hmm diet pills make me so grumpy. I feel so sorry for my poor boyfriend, having to deal with me. But i guess in the end its kinda for his benefit. I'm very lucky to have him. No matter what - if i gain weight, have bad skin, don't straighten my hair and lounge around in one of his shirts, a massive jumper and shorts - he always tells me i'm beautiful. My friends partner is such an ass to her. It breaks my heart to hear the horrible things he says about her appearance. Its sad because if i'd met someone like him instead of my boyfriend, i'd be like her. I would have let any guy get away with treating me terribly or saying how unattractive i am, because i believed it all to be true. I still do, but at least now i also know that there will always be someone who thinks you are beautiful. If it weren't for my own boyfriend i'd still be a psychotic mess trying to starve myself to perfection. I'm still doing these terrible habits, but at least now its not because i feel as if no one could love me for who i am. He loves me. Now, i just want to love myself.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Haven't felt so low in a very long time. Scratching away at my skin. Purging after normal meals - not just binges. I'm lost.

[quirky]

Hey ABD,

 

I hope you're ok today ((hug)), why are you low?

 

I just read some of your journal, I haven't before..I really understood what you wrote in post 150, being treated differently if you look better. You look very pretty, it's a shame you feel otherwise, I liked your cheeky smile on the pic you had with your hair change, the first one !

 

I understand the weight paranoia, I have extra weight myself. That insecurity is there no matter what people say..Not feeling like you have a great body coupled with believing you're a bit weird or different can do a number on your self esteem. But I think being a bit different is great even if it takes you ages to find that space where you belong.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thank you so much for replying. Just that you took a moment to read and reply means so much to me. I have no idea why I am low. Everything in my life is going pretty well at the moment, but I still just feel so low and out of control of my emotions sometimes.

 

Honestly - people treated me SO much better when I was smaller, it's kind of terrible that that is how society reacts to another person.

 

I'm doing a little better, eating healthily -back to my vegetarian diet, and just trying to be as healthy as I can. Of course I want to lose weight but I'm going to try not to use the scale so there is less chance of being triggered.

 

Just trying to bring myself back to life I guess. If that makes sense?

 

Thank you again for replying. It means so much!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Sometimes I feel like I go in and out of consciousness. Like at times I exist and my body functions but my mind and heart cannot.

 

I feel at times broken. Just waiting to wake up and start the journey of putting myself back together for the umpteenth time. But each time it grows harder to do so, as if with every break I lose a shard of my soul.

 

At times I feel like a shadow, physically reflected but emotionally empty. As if you can see me and touch me, but my eyes show a vacant signal.

 

I worry, that one day, too many shards of my soul will be missing. And perhaps, the rest of my existence will be that of an empty shell. An empty soul..

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I should have known better...

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Never ask a question that you don't want the answer too. Hoping to draw some compliments out of my boyfriend I asked whom I most remind him of out of a show we both watch. His answer? No not the lady's nor the queen to be. Not someone kind or caring. Instead the youngest girl - who is the least lady like, who hides herself as a boy, who is stubborn, rude, and fiesty. Haha, I guess in a way it's true, I take no ones bull, I stand up for myself, I don't need a man to do anything for me - I look after my boyfriend (cooking, cleaning, I wash his clothes, hang them out fold them and put them away and have his work clothes ready for the next day, I pack his lunch and ensure our room is spotless) I do this because I love him and care for him, I do it out of loyalty but in no way do I do this because it is a woman's job. But anyway. I guess that makes me sturdy, strong, independent. I suppose I am proud of it. Still not the complement I was fishing for though haha.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Sometimes I don't know why I was given life. I don't understand why I have this cruel life where I am constantly alone. But others, their lives are taken far too young. Depression is a silent battle of my life every single day. But someone who cherish's life is gone forever. If I die - its no true loss. My soul is quite dead already, but he had so much to live for. The world is a cruel place.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Someone I care so much about told me he was proud of me for everything I've become. For turning my life around - for being happy. I wonder if he'd still be proud if he knew it was all a lie. If he knew I didn't remember the last full day I lasted without crying. The worst part is - I don't even know why I'm so down. I don't know why I'm so depressed. I hate depression. I hate that this feeling never seems to leave me. It's like - even when my life is great I am still down. I feel like I've tried everything. With medication I become a zombie - without it I'm a mess. What do I choose?

[quirky]

I am not sure whether you have covered this in your journal but are you seeing a counsellor?

If it's any consolation I used to cry almost every day too at your age. I was really bubbly too when I wouldn't, are you as well? I don't know exactly why I cried..nowadays I have realised that pain grounds me, both emotional and physical. But in my younger years I felt extreme emotional pain and I didn't know why.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Quirky, I'm not seeing anyone. I did off and on all through school. But now, to be honest, I have up a long time ago.

 

Thank you for caring enough to comment. It means a lot.

 

I'm so happy when I'm out with people. If you didn't know, you would never know that I was unhappy. I don't want people to know I'm like this.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

So someone was talking at me and said 'To ABD it's all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine' - I love that people can describe me like that. I love that I have seen pretty awful things in my life but I still look at the world with rise coloured glasses - not because I'm too ignorant to see what the world is like - but because I choose to see the good. I like that people think of me as someone like that. I know that on here I come and whinge and complain and seem like this downer to the party. But if you met me you'd never think I'd be like this. I don't know if I l'm proud that I don't let the sadness into my day to day life - or concerned that even though I'm someone who everyone think is happy I'm so depressed when left to my own thoughts.

[Seraphim]

If the core of you still has some optimism and can see the good in the world then this is very valuable. You still have your humanity left.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

That's what I think too