One Lost Soul

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Seriously - again?! I locked my keys in my car again?! Third time in two months. Second time in 3 days. This is not going to be a good day. I'm officially sitting on the curb of my street at 6 16am waiting for roadside assistance to come and help me. My tooth/throat/head hurts and my pain killers are in the car! As are my shpes. And my hair brush. Geesh do i look like one hell of a classy girl or what. It could take 45 mins for the to get here. I was already running late for work and i work 30 mins away so i could be like an hour late. Not gonna go down well.

 

Right in this moment, i really want to stab life in the eye - haven't i had enough bad luck?

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Pretty upset right now. I know since i got home from work i've been cranky as hell. I was exhausted, sick, in pain, i have a fever and the one thing i asked him to do for me before i got home today - which would have taken him 5 minutes and given us both an hour of relaxtion - of course wasn't done.

 

But whats really upsetting me is what we are currently watching. Its a documentary on how they caught major terrorists. It has had a few seens of a man being tortured for information. I'm not normally so much of a wuss when it comes to movies - but knowing that this is based on a true story. Even if these scenes aren't real - knowing one similar truly happened.. It has seriously shaken me up. I, as a nurse, understand violence from mental illness. Violence from growing up in violence. But i do not understand torture. No matter how good the reason. I know i'm probably safe because of such methods - but it just isn't something my emotions can deal with. I rarely ask if we can watch something else, but i did today. He looked at me all sad and said 'you don't want to watch this?... Well none of it is real.' He then turned back to his stupid movie. The first time i've seen him in two days. The few hours we have together, and instead of watching something we both like he is watching this. Something that actually upsets me. Sometimes i just want to hit him over the head. I wouldn't be complaining if it were some dumb comedy i didn't find funny. I'd deal with it because i love him. But seeing as i know the nightmares that will come from this i am upset.

 

I know i should just leave the room. But i've been up since 4 30am. I'll probably be asleep in 3 hours. I want to spend our limited time together. Even if he doesn't care about it.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

So i do finally leave the room. And his response? 'Why, why?' from the bed. No its fine, don't come and ask if i'm okay or anything. Just sit there and finish watching your stupid movie. Don't worry about your girlfriend sitting on the stairs. He makes me so damn angry sometimes. If ever ever walked out upset, i'd follow him no matter what. He can't be comforting if his life depends on it. Maybe i wouldn't require so much reassurance if he gave me any at all.

 

Or maybe its exactly as people have told me, 'You're lucky he dates you at all.'

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I upset myself so much and make everything so much more of a big deal than it is. Yesterdays fight could have been nothing if i, MYSELF, had explained my feelings, but instead i expect people to read my mind. Stupid. So i take full blame for the above stupidity. And yes i don't him so too. It was MY fault. I shouldn't react the way i do. I need to stop getting so angry. I get so upset and to cope, i get angry. God i don't know how he puts up with me. I might be seeing my best friend tonight, and he has told me a million times that he wouldn't ever want to date me and basically thinks my boyfriend is a saint for doing so. I never realised i was that bad I think i need to work on changing that part of myself. I like to think, i'm a good friend and family member, i want to be a good girlfriend too. I want to make him happy, because i love him so much and never want him to hurt.

 

And thank god for him, because without him i would currently be a bit of a mess. On my way home from work today i saw the most tragic scene. I truly horrible car accident. As a nurse i see death often. I've become a little emotionless towards it, but after seeing what i did today, i called my boyfriend and could barely talk. To think that someone was just driving somewhere - to a friends place, to work, to the shops, to pick up her kids from school... Just driving and then the next minute they're fighting like hell just to live. And person who caused it - it was a moment of bad judgement. And now he has to live with that for the rest of his life. Its just so horrible, one minute you're alive. Living, breathing, laughing, crying - feeling. The next, who knows.. I can't shake the image from my mind. Those poor families and friends. The world is a cruel place.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Once again, up late. I think i got 3 or 4 hours sleep in pieces last night. Then had to be awake t 4 30 this morning and drive an hour to do my shift. I am exhausted in every way possible. I worked a long shift, saw my best friend, have cooked and prepared my lunch for tomorrow incase i get work. My uniform is washed and on the drying rack drying, along with another load of my clothes. I'm showered and basically all i have to do if i get work tomorrow is have my breakfast, put on my clothes and go. I literally can not prepare anymore for the morning.

 

Yet here i am at 10 20am, laying in bed on here because as exhausted as i am, my brain won't let me sleep. Its so much worse after today. After seeing that lady.. Every time i think about it i'm wide awake again. And no matter what i try and distract myself with i can't stop thinking about it. I can see her clearly. Like my mind has a taken a picture. Her clothes. Exactly where the blood spattered around her face. The exact angle her arm was bent.. God. I've always respected paramedics. Now though, now i think that they are probably the most incredible human beings. I see death so often in my job i don't even notice someones passing anymore. As horrible as it is, i'm immune. I don't feel it. But i never have had to see that.I hope i never have too again.

 

Oh god i have 6 hours before i'm supposed to wake up. But i just don't even see myself falling asleep. If i do work tomorrow, i am going to be exhausted. Whoever gets me will be getting a dud! I need the money, but i so hope they don't call tomorrow. I'll work on wednesday. And Friday. And Saturday. But please don't call me tomorrow agency.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Well i didn't get work today, which felt amazing this morning. But now feels awful. Gah. I need money. I HATE being this damn broke. I at least want to be able to pay off all my bills each fortnight.

 

My own stinking fault today. I shouldn't have wished a shift away.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

The man in the accident that i saw is dead. He died. One minute he was driving. The next he is gone from this world. My sister and i both happened to take the wrong turn on our way through that tragic seen yesterday - we both would have been there at the time it happened if we both didn't go the wrong way by accident. We were in different suburbs. I was heading home, she was leaving home. If either of us had left on time like we were supposed too we would have witnessed the accident or been apart of it. I think maybe it was nana. Looking out for us. Making sure we were safe. I know that sounds ridiculous. I never thought i believed in that. But now i'm here i do. I believe. She is somewhere. She is looking after us.

 

You hear about horrible accidents and deaths every day. But until you are in that moment. Until you see something like that. You will never know. One minute they are okay. Alive. Breathing. The next they just are gone. From this world. Leaving friends and family behind. Gone.

[LikeWater]

People are desensitized to death. They watch the news every night and all the stories are just tragedies. So they get used to it. Some even get really into it. It becomes entertainment to them... to listen stories about how people got killed or robbed or raped. It's why I refuse to watch the news. All it does is make everyone afraid of each other.

 

As far as what you saw, I'm sorry. That must terrible to see in person. However... it's just the way things are. That happens all the time. People are alive and breathing one moment, the next they're just lifeless bodies. Everything that lives eventually dies. I have my own beliefs about an afterlife or an all powerful being and whatnot, and I'm sure you have yours, whatever they may be. We just have to accept that this is how things are. It's tragic, it's downright sad... but it will happen to us all at some point.

 

ABD, try not to dwell on it. I too have seen people die right before my very eyes, and I've watched several videos of people dying horrible, horrible deaths. I refuse to watch that stuff anymore because it just really brings me down. So focus on other things and try not to let those thoughts linger in your mind.

 

As always, I hope you're doing okay. Take care and I'll talk to you later.

 

Edit: Oh, and once again, I hope you don't mind me popping in on your journal

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

LikeWater, i know that people are always going to die. I've literally been there when people have taken their last breaths. I've layed out the body of a few people for families. I did my prac on the neurosurgical ward of a major hospital in my state and was there when a young 21 year old man was told his brain tumor was inoperable. I guess i've never seen anything so raw, so close to home (literally down the street), or in person. Not like that. In my work i've only seen people die who knew that their time was up. I've seen people with cancer or just the elderly. People who at least had time to say their goodbyes, and often so much time that in the end they are wanting to move on to the next adventure this place brings. Whichever you believe in.

 

And i've watched the horrible videos, my boyfriend was watching them and tried to hide them from me and because i'm an idiot i made him let me watch them. I spent a week looking at them. I have no idea why i did that. I just was devistated by them and in almost a trance when i watched the horrorible things people do to each other.

 

But this was different. Today i found out he was 39. He was just 39... He probably lived around my area. I've probably walked passed him many times. He could have a family, kids, a wife, friends, his parents. I feel so blessed that none of my close younger friends have ever lost their lives. We're still babies. Still trying to make our way through the world. Most of us are still studying. I guess its just a horrible reminder of what can happen on the road. That intersection is a road i use very often.

 

I don't know. I don't even know why its got to me so much. I have no idea. I know i just have to forget it.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

So i've been doing some research in "health". The things i've found make sense as frustrating as they are. I know that i shouldn't expect to lose weight quickly. But it would be nice. Its so hard to deal with such a slow decrease when i am so accustomed to losing weight so quickly.

 

Anyway, most of the information i found has said to focus on between 1500 - 1800 calories per day. I find this challenging, i always thought 1200 was the best "healthy" amount to eat per day. And i guess i will still probably try to stick to around that. So my goal will be to stay between 1200 - 1500 calories per day. To eat fruit and vegetables. And basically just be as healthy as i can. Sometimes i might write my days foods in here. I find writing it on a public website shames me into sticking to my goals - so bare with me and try not to get too bored. I know i won't always stick to it. I know my intake won't be as "good" as it could be. But i'm starting and hoping to work on it. Last night i made my boyfriends family dinner and actually made myself a vegetable stir fry and only had that. So i'm onto a good start with choices i suppose (although yesterday i ruined it with a stupid cookie - because no apparently i do not have any self control, hopefully i do not make the same mistake today!).

 

Okay so so far todays intake has been:

 

Breakfast:

Celebrity Slim Meal Replacement Shake

(Total Calories: 222)

 

Snack:

No Fat For Me vanilla yoghurt

125g Blue Berries

(Total Calories: 140)

 

Lunch:

Basmati Rice

Chicken Tarragon - Home made

(Total Calories: 558 )

 

Snack:

Banana

Small Nectarine

(Total Calories: 130)

 

 

For dinner i'll mix up some vegetables and have it with some tuna, hopefully around the 200 calorie mark. I'm also off now to do my zumba dvd for 30 minutes. Which should burn at least 200 calories as well

 

In which case my Total Intake will be: 1250

So with my exercise decrease it will be: 1050 - which is about what i'm aiming for

 

Note to self: Do not mess today up!

 

Its hard because i still feel so hungry. But i think thats just my mind. That amount of food should be plenty to sustain my body. I've had PLENTY of protein. So i should be fine. It must just be my silly brain, so used to eating such large amounts!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

So freaking annoyed - got half way through my dvd and the man who was fitting out new security screens showed up - half an hour early. So not only did this tradie rock up to me in my pjs with my hair in a messy bun - literally dancing around the living room (rather embarrassing let me tell you!) But i didn't get to finish my work out. So my plan is, get dressed, go get grandfather his dinner, get myself petrol, and then come home, finish my dvd, maybe even do an extra 10 minutes or something, shower, get ready for bed and such, make myself some dinner, and then SLEEP. I slept like a baby last night - it helps when i'm in his bed with his arms around me. Nothing makes me feel more alive or special than when he is in one of his loving moods. Makes me feel amazing.

 

Got to say, i wish he was a little more interested in my health. I LOVE and would NEVER want to change the fact that he is so accepting of me, and honestly hasn't cared whatsoever that i have put on weight. I love that he tells me i'm beautiful and that that stuff will never matter to him. I just wish he'd care a little more about HEALTH. Not weight/appearance, just health. For both of us. He is so unhealthy it actually worries me. He isn't remotely fat or even big. (The bastard gained 28 kilos since we've been dating, and still doesn't look even a little bit fat, just more built - mainly i guess because when i met him he was literally a twig. But i gain 6 - 8kgs, and i look like i've gained 28! Not happy!) But its his intake of fast fatty foods that really concerns me. He eats no fruit or veggies unless i make him. He lives off KFC, Pizza, Indian, McDonalds... And he NEVER exercises. I'm really concerned for his heart. I know once we live together i can get him into good eating habits, at least for the most part. But until then - i worry about the damage he is doing to his heart and general well being.

 

Anyway i'm off to get the petrol.

 

Bye ENAers

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Well i am, for the first time in a while, completely proud of my self control. My food intake was exactly what i wrote down, i had two extra little strawberries - which i am hardly going to punish myself for.

 

I ended up doing 40 minutes of cardio zumba as well as their abs buns and thighs which is similar to pilates for 20 minutes, so all up an hours work out. I feel amazing. So much good endorphins running through my body.

 

I've prepared my food for tomorrow.

 

 

Breakfast:

Celebrity Slim Low Carb Shake

(Total Calories: 216)

 

Snack:

No Fat For Me yoghurt

Bircher Muesli

1/2 cup chopped strawberries

(Total calories: 273)

 

Lunch:

Basil and Tomato Tuna

Mixed vegetables

(Total calories: 196)

 

Snack:

Banana

Pluot

(Total calories: 144)

 

Dinner:

Asian Salad

Cottage Cheese

(Total Calories: 188 )

 

 

That gives me about 200 calories, incase i have a small amount of the dinner i make for my partners family. Or perhaps to add some chicken to the dinner, so i will feel a bit fuller

 

Seriously looking forward to seeing some results in a few weeks!

 

Downside to today - somehow i didn't make it into uni Not really sure how that works when my Diploma is supposed to guarantee me a position into the course and actually a year off the course... Guess that ain't happening for me this year

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

ncjhsbcudbfvyudfvuysdc So freaking happy right now. I stood on the scale, not expecting to see much of a difference, thinking it would be hopefully a few hundred grams lighter - i have officially already lost 1.5kg

 

I know most of that will probably be water weight. But STILL. That felt amazing. 1.5Kg to my first goal weigh, 6.5 kg to my second goal weight and 11.5kg to mu ultimate goal weight. I have never been at my ultimate goal weight before, and i never thought i would be happy if i got there anyway, but looking back on pictures and remembering my sizes i was when i was 6.5kg lighter than i am now, i think that my ultimate goal weight might actually be the healthiest weight for me. Especially if i'm working out. At 6.5Kgs lighter i was a size 10 shirt and 12 bottom, so i'm hoping that losing those extra 5 kilos would make me an 8 shirt and a 10 bottom. Which the more i think about, the better i feel about it. I have curves, i have a small waist and i have hips, and i don't want to lose that. And pretty sure my boyfriend will MURDER me if i lose my boobs haha. I like having curves. I'm a girl and i don't want to be a stick. And as long as i have a flat stomach and nicer thighs, i think i'll be happy with myself.

 

For the first time in my life i am picking out things i do like about my body. Okay well not quite - i'm picking out things that i will like when i'm a bit smaller. Things that aren't terrible. Which trust me, for me is a massive improvement.

 

The downside to my start of today is it appears i'm probably not working today I really really needed a shift today. I NEED money. I have NO idea if i'm going to be able to afford everything next week. Probably not. As it is, i've already gotten to the point where i've realised i literally don't have enough money for anything. Like my friend wants to go shopping today - i can't afford the petrol to get us there, i can't afford to buy lunch, i defiantly could NOT afford to buy anything

 

I have enough on my credit card to buy me petrol, and enough cash to pay for my cooking stuff for dinner tonight. Which is my "rent" so i can't NOT cook. And then that will be the rest of my money all gone until next Tuesday night. So for 6 days i literally will have NO money. I might have to do the unthinkable and borrow some money from mum. But i hate doing that when she's in hospital. Gah. I need a job

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

With a friend at a massive shopping complex. Nothing kills your happy mood like seeing your reflection.. Not when you look like me at least. I guess i'm not as happy as i thought. I worked out this morning and everything.

 

Doesn't help that when i finally find a cute dress at cheap price - i still can't afford it. I just feel crappy and sore and hope we can leave soon!

 

So over it.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Well I'm home for 10 minutes and thought I'd update my progress. I followed the first two meals of the day - the shake and the yoghurt, but for lunch I did have one sushi roll. For my snack I just had a nectarine and a lady finger banana. For dinner I'm having my left over veggies and tuna from last night

 

Tomorrow I have a snack bar for breakfast (low carb meal replacement bar), 2 eggs and 1 piece rye bread for a snack, Asian salad and cottage cheese for lunch yoghurt fruit and muesli for a snack and probably leftover salad for dinner.

 

Trying to eat as natural as I can so I bought a special organic natural yoghurt with no sugar. It's not too sour. My sister let me try some of hers and it was pretty good.

 

Working tomorrow - thank goodness! The place I was on Monday called to say how great a worker I was and requested me to come back! Yay! Not only do I really like that facility but it will look great with my agency. Nice to know that someone appreciates my hard work!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Today ended up being a bad day. Food wise and life wife.

 

Its so hard to love someone when he doesn't act like you matter at all. Its like if i died tonight, nothing would change in his life. I doubt he'd even take the day off work tomorrow. I bet he could just keep going. Like nothing happened. I wish i was being a drama queen - but honestly, he shows so little emotion toward me that i believe that. That my life has no effect on his.

 

My life is based on his. The days i stay with him, cooking for his family, picking him up from work, getting to talk to him before i go to sleep. My life literally revolves around him.

 

Apparently i have to put this away now. Be back later.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

The man who died was my physiotherapist. He was the very best in his field. I owe my recovery to him completely, and i still see him and get massages at his clinic. He owned two clinics. Both busy. Everyone who had been there had the best things to say about his work.

 

I can say he was the best physiotherapist i ever went too. That he would advocate for me as his patient. That he stood up for me and offered me the best advice. That he actually cared about my health. That when i said i couldn't afford his prices, but my insurance would cover others, he was going to look through the list and find me the best.

 

But more than that he was young, 39 years old. He had a wife and two kids. He'd chat to me about them sometimes, and we'd talk about our families. I told him about mum and he said i must have been a pretty strong person to turn out the way i am.

 

He was kind. He took the time to get to know you. He knew about my family, about my relationship and about my friends. He wanted his clients to improve. In whichever way would be best for them.

 

I know people always say nice things about someone who has passed away. But everything i say is true, i could never have said a negative word about him, and i don't see how anyone could. I know he wasn't my "friend" or my family. But i saw him more often than i see my friends whilst i was injured, and i can say this, his loss is a tragedy. He could have and should have had the chance to experience so much more from his life. His children shouldn't have ever had to celebrate a birthday without him there, or graduate school, or university, or get married.. Its the most tragic news i've heard.

 

RIP. You were loved by so many and will be missed by so many more. Your impact to the world around you was unforgettable. Your kindness shall never be forgotten.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

In site of the tragedy i know my relationship problems don't really stand up. But they effect my life and i need to write it out.

 

I was absolutely devastated after our fight last night, that i ended up having a horrible dream at 3am and waking up in tears. I was absolutely distraught and grabbed my boyfriend and shook him and asked him to hold me. The way he responded was horrible and cruel, he grabbed my arms and pushed them off me. He kept swearing at me under his breath and flinching away when i touched him. He got angry and i was so upset by the dream that felt so real and by the person i love not letting me touch him that i lost it and wanted to go outside and call someone - anyone at all. He grabbed my leg and wouldn't let me go. He wouldn't comfort me and he wouldn't let someone else comfort me.

 

It was probably the worst experience of my life. Eventually he took hold of me and held me. Tonight i find out he remembers none of it - it was all in his sleep. This i do actually believe. He sleep walks/talks. I've had conversations with him before in his sleep where he gets really angry over nothing. Now i think about it, it did have all the signs of his sleep talking. I have never been so relieved to hear he wasn't awake. He was pretty kind to me on the phone when i explained it, and just said that he would never do that if he was awake and that the only thing he remembers is me yelling and trying to leave.

 

All day i spent the day not knowing if i was going to be alone. Just to hear those magic "i do love you, so much" words. Biggest relief ever.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I keep seeing the scene of the accident. Knowing that the man who was so horribly battered was someone i knew. Its killing me. Every time i close my eyes i see his face, covered in blood. I see him hanging half out that door. It was bad enough not knowing who it was. Knowing that it was him. Such a good kind man. God how do people watch the news and see all of this stuff every day and keep on living? I just want my boyfriend here with me to hold me tight and give me hugs and keep me safe. He was so very kind to me on the phone just then.

 

He kept telling me that it was just me and him, and as long we were safe it was okay. He said he won't let anything happen to either one of us, and that he promises we'll be okay. He was so kind. Even if it isn't a promise he can keep. At least i know he meant it, the very most anyone could mean that. He would do anything to keep me safe. I trust that. I trust that he'd do anything to keep me out of danger. I just know that there is no way to do that. Not really.

 

I feel so much for my physios wife, if it were my partner - god i wouldn't know how to survive and we aren't married or have kids. I wish there was a way to help people who suffer like that. Unfortunately i know there really isn't anything anyone can do. Nothing would ever take that pain away.

 

The world is so cruel, each and every day that we wake up with the people we care about in our lives is a day to be happy. You just can't that for granted. When so many people are lost every day... You cannot take for granted any day that you wake up to your partner, your family or to your friends. You can't let them ever doubt that you care, because one day they may never get the chance to know how you felt.

 

I have to go, i can't even write anymore.. i just. I have to go.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Breakfast:

 

2 boiled eggs

1 piece light rye bread

1 large orange

(total calories: 315)

 

Yummiest breakfast ever.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

A friend of mine was a friend of the physiotherapist who died. She keeps writing these beautiful messages on Facebook. I just can't get over it. If he'd left 2 minutes earlier or later. He was taken by chance. By being in that exact spot at what just so happened to be the exact wrong time. Now a family is grieving the loss of such a young soul, who hadn't finished living. He'd already accomplished so very much, that i can't even imagine how much he could have come to do in this world. Everyone, please stay safe. Please be careful.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Lunch:

 

Organic Natural Yoghurt

Bircher Muesli

Strawberries

Oh and wayyyy too much honey by accident - heaps poured in - yuck! Ended up splitting it in two and mixing more plain yoghurt with it and keeping the second portion for breakfast tomorrow

(Total Calories: 390 -thanks stupid honey!)

 

But i am completely broke, so broke that i literally have no money to buy myself food. Of course there is food in my grandfathers fridge, but nothing even remotely healthy. So no snacks for me today, and possibly no dinner. I'll eat a carrot or two though. My tummy is a grumbling! But i don't want to eat more carbs, and bread is pretty much all there is thats healthy. Grandfather is more of a bad food person, so our fridge has chocolate, tim tams, crisps, soft drinks, ice creams, cheesecake and apple pie. But no healthy veggies or tuna or chicken.

 

So literally if i want to eat tonight i'd have to eat bread or bad food - just not up to doing that right now. I want to be healthy and lose weight and i do not want to give in this once, because i know myself well enough to know it wouldn't be "just this once". So no. I'll eat the carrots that are there. Maybe the boyfriend has some food i can steal. He is just as broke as me though. Worst part is, pay day isn't for another 4 days! No idea what to do. I have like 2 or 3 serves of yoghurt left and muesli. But thats it. I'm going to cook up a couple of eggs for tomorrow, but technically they are grandfathers and theres only a few left. I have hardly any rye bread left. GAH. Well limited calories won't kill me, i've done it a million times before. I just wanted to be healthy so badly this time

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Yet another thing to owe my amazing "hopefully-mother-in-law-to-be-one-day" haha. She fed me tonight, salad and green beans and potato! So a bit of carbs, but a hell of a lot healthier than my alternatives back here.

 

My boyfriend was also the most amazing man alive tonight. He was in an awful mood - he literally has no money either at the moment. And realised he won't even be able to pay for his last college course towards his degree nor even have the money for the bus to get to work - hopefully between the two of us we'll scrape up the coins to get him his travel money at least. But he will be packing a lunch! (He never does, where as i always do haha!)

 

But yes, he was struggling himself. But he was still there for me. When he struggles its like he is designed to withdraw and try and sort it alone. So him talking to me about it was a HUGE deal for starters. But for him to be so okay with touch and cuddle me so much and be so completely comforting towards me was pretty much unheard of in his world. So i am lucky. I got there and lost it a bit. He lives 45 minutes away, and driving there was really hard. I was so scared. Kept pulling over and letting anyone who got to close to me go past. I didn't do under the speed limit but i certainly didn't speed. Then i saw some idiot teenage boys doing donuts along a long windy road - where i've had close calls before without being a hook, and i almost lost the plot. I wanted to get out and knock some sense into them!

 

But as soon as i walked into his room, i literally sat on top of him and hugged him and whispered all these things. He held me back and cuddled and we talked and i apologised for being the psycho girlfriend i stupidly am sometimes. We had dinner with him mum and her husband and then went back to his room for more cuddles. We tried to watch a show with headphones haha, we stretched them over both our heads. It lasted a little while but then my head got sore so we just cuddled a little more.

 

It was exactly what i needed. Some love and affection. Some kindness. I feel so so so much better. He is probably the only person in the world who could make me feel so safe.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Well thank god work is over. What a crazy hectic day. Luckily I was working with a lovely lady who is just as easy going as me. We just worked around each other and together and finally somehow got everything done. It helps that we both actually CARE about our residents and so are happy to take it slow and give them he best care ever.

 

Gotta say I'm a little ticked off though. My partner and I only get every other night together. 3 days a week is so hard for us both. Especially when we never get a full day together. Sunday is our day, but I always have to work. Not happy! But even worse today I literally walk into their yard to find that his mums husband has just started working on the van. It's already 3 40pm and I'm probably going to crash early cuz I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep last night. I was looking forward to maybe going on a picnic with him (cheese sandwiches would be all we had but at least it would be some alone time out of the house!) but now he has to help work on the van. It's no ones fault, it just sucks that now for the next few hours that's what they will be doing when I wasn't here yesterday or the day before or at all this morning.

 

Oh we'll nothing I can do but suck it up and get comfy, cuz I'll be waiting a while.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Today will have been a perfect food day after i eat dinner and exercise. Only consumes 1200 calories, and burnt 200 calories in a work out (well will have after i exercise). I had 5 serves of veggies, two of fruit. The allowed amount of carbs and fats and protein as well. Everything perfect. But looking at the bigger picture - this shouldn't be a big deal. It should be easy. Routine. And i shouldn't be wasting my time writing about it each day. Or anyone who reads this. Why the heck is this so hard. I can feel myself slowly becoming consumed by this, which right now, is good and healthy. Being happy and healthy is fine being consumed by. Slowly restricting more and more.. God i just don't want to be there anymore. According to the website i document food and exercise in. If i do this every day for the next 5 weeks, i'll have lost 5 kilos. But i don't think i will have. I can't assume that because if i don't i'll be devastated.

 

Really i think my focus is trying to take away from the fact that it was his funeral today. I guess that makes it real now. I feel so much for the family and friends.

 

RIP. Know, as you pass on to the next world, you touched many hearts and healed many bodies in this life. Many people owe so much to you. Rest now, and care for yourself.