One Lost Soul

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Well no work for me - again But luckily i've had a fairly productive morning to take my mind off it. I actually slept for a while! Had a sleep in which i haven't had in a very long time. Most mornings i'm up at 4 45 sitting by my phone waiting for work to call. So sleeping in felt great. I had my breakfast (organic natural yoghurt, muesli, and a banana), watched some bones, applied for a job and did my work out. Gotta admit, if i could get paid for doing nothing... Geesh i'd love it haha. I'd get skinny pretty fast, once i start exercising i want to keep going, like right now i feel like going for a bike ride then having a swim, unfortunately i don't own a bike nor a pool

 

I've lost another 300g, i know its nothing to celebrate really, but it takes it up to just under two kilos or exactly 4 pounds, all in like 2 weeks or just over. So really that isn't a bad effort i guess, right? Hopefully i'll lose a little more this week. Sick of looking like this! I have to admit, i already feel healthier already though. Not as down either. The good endorphins must be helping haha.

 

Today will be a bit of a right off, its going to be a day full of carbs. I'm cooking pasta for dinner, and will probably serve it with garlic bread for everyone else. I think i'll just buy a little salad and make myself a salad instead. Lunch is fried rice (its all i have left in the fridge!) but at least its brown rice, and i didn't use any oil to cook with, so is literally just veggies, brown rice and an egg. Oh and a bit of soy sauce. But with all that plus the muesli this morning.. Its a good thing i exercised!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Congratulations me, you managed to ruin a perfectly good food day. It would have been fine if I could have controlled my portion size. For dinner I had roast chicken and salad. Sounds fine right? It would have been if I wasn't such a guts and hadn't eaten so much bloody chicken. Oh and I had a bread roll. Worse still it was white bread. What the heck? One minute I'm saying how much I hate the way I look, the next I'm making the exact mistakes that will end in this being my body forever. How am I so freaking stupid? And when will I realise that everything in my life will be better when I lose weight. I am disgusting. Repulsive. Horrible.

 

So angry at myself right now.

 

Also saw an incident. Two men pulled over and got out of their cars and were trying to get to the guy in his car in front of me. Pretty sure they smashed a window. They made two cars go through a red light. What the heck is wrong with people. Violence disgusts me.

 

I'm officially terrified of everything. Cars crashing. People. The dark. The wind. My dreams. Myself. This world is a terrifying place. I think what angers me most is these violent idiots will probably live a long life, but good people, they die every day before there time.

 

I don't believe in a god, but if there somehow is one, he has a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Officially trigged. I want to see my ribs as i get changed. I want to have that 'oh so clear' thinking i get when i haven't eaten for days. I want to look perfect. I want to be perfect. Why do i ruin myself by eating so damn much?! I have no self control. I am nothing but a disappointment to everyone around me. I need to be better than this.

[LikeWater]

"If you could see yourself the way others see you, you would be amazed."

 

Just wanted to share that quote with you. Hopefully you understand the meaning behind it.

 

The only person who's disappointed in you... is yourself.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Dieting is hard and I'm sure your body is nowhere near as bad as you perceive it to be. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thank you, you always are there to cheer me up when i'm feeling horrible. Especially good timing today LW. You are so very kind! How is it you even exist exactly, a kind 24 year old male... Are you sure you're not fibbing I actually feel a little better now. Thanks again for stopping by haha.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Today was a long day. I had to go to a legal hearing at the hospital with mother. Basically to decide they if were going to continue treating her against her will. Of course they said yes (thank goodness!). I got to speak to some of her team. Her head doctor, the social worker and case manager. They all sat and spoke to me for a while. Cleared a few things up.

 

I was just about to write how upset i was at the boyfriend. But he managed to save himself. He knew mums hearing was today and he didn't wish me good luck - txt to see how it went - or even reply to me all day. He finished an hour and a half ago and catches the train home, and still he hadn't said anything. I just got a message saying "I love you beautiful". Those four words melt my heart. Especially when they come from him.

 

I've spent the last 3 hours baking mini cupcakes and triple chocolate fudge brownie for him for valentines day. He literally hasn't a dollar to his name so i know i won't get much from him. But i'm pathetic and corny and wanted to make him something. I ruined them though! I smooshed the icing on the cupcakes with the lid and now they look silly. They looked so awesome before! I put them in little pink cupcake patties and made the icing pink and used pink hearts

 

Okay i know i know, i'm stupid, his a guy and he'll think its lame.. I just wanted to do something to show him i love him, and when it only cost me $8 why not? Plus i have heaps of left over ingredients. Needless to say though today is ruined by my sugar intake. You can't bake and not have any.. And i'm still a kid and licked the bowl haha. But really, compared to how little i've had today i think i'll live. As long as i do my exercise dvd!

 

I'll make him a card too tonight Whenever i do stuff like this he always says "you don't have to prove to me that you love me, i already know'. But its not about that you know? Its just about doing something little. So he can feel special. Thats how i wish i felt so i want everyone else to feel that.

 

I officially feel sick. Wayyy too much chocolate and pink stuff haha.

 

See, see, i'm a good baker! Haha

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Okay so i officially suck with the size thing, but you get the idea

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Those 3 hours i spent working on baking and icing goodies for my boyfriend, officially completely worth it. I just received the sweetest message ever. Basically he said he was so lucky to have me. That he really does love me. And that to him, i am amazing. That is the best valentines present i ever could receive, a message like that.. It just makes me realise how lucky we both are. God i think he is an idiot for it, but he loves me. And he probably think i'm an idiot for loving him. And we've both done some pretty crappy things to one another since we got together, and some of the things we say are pretty horrible. People who heard just those parts would have no idea why either of us would stay with the other.

 

But when you're on the inside, you realise that most of the time, when i get so angry or so upset its because i CARE so so much there is just no other way to express it. I get upset and feel unloved and take it out on him with anger.

 

And he gets mad when i get upset, because he does CARE so damn much, and i don't see it. He thinks that i don't appreciate him, because surely if i did i'd see how much he loves me.

 

If you took away the arguments we have because we care, than the two of us would barely ever fight. And i think if we're fighting just as much FOR each other as we are against each other than we are doing something right. I'm a lucky person, to love and be loved.

 

Since seeing the accident we haven't fought as much. I've realised that i don't want to live our lives fighting. So now mostly we haven't fought at all. Silly tiffs every now and then that we both get over, but nothing big. I just want to appreciate him, to make sure he never doubts how much he means to me. And obviously, its so wonderful hearing he feels the same. So so lucky we are.

[LikeWater]

Thank you, you always are there to cheer me up when i'm feeling horrible. Especially good timing today LW. You are so very kind! How is it you even exist exactly, a kind 24 year old male... Are you sure you're not fibbing I actually feel a little better now. Thanks again for stopping by haha.

 

I'm by no means perfect, just someone who's been through a lot and sees the world quite differently than most. I find it a little sad that genuine kindness is so rare these days that people get shocked by me being nice.

 

Regardless, I'm glad to hear that my words cheered you up. I'm also happy to see that, overall, you're doing very well.

 

Catch ya later, ABD.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Unfortunately kindness is so rare these days. But its nice to know some people still value it!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Somehow - not really sure how when the last two days have been bad days, and i didn't even do my dvd yesterday, i did walk though - i've lost another 400gm... This week alone i've already lost a kilo. More than what i was even aiming for. Hopefully it keeps up.

 

So far today i've had:

 

Breakfast:

Organic Natural Yoghurt

0.5 serve museli

0.5 tsp honey

 

Snack:

Small banana

 

Lunch:

Oven dried tomato and basil tuna

Low fat cottage cheese

Two poached eggs (i removed one egg yolk, i've heard they aren't as good for you)

 

 

 

Later i'll just have a pear or some fruit, dinner will be a killer, i have to make sure i have more salad and less pasta. Everyone else will be having 4 canneolli strips, i'll just have half of that. Going to try and make the salad i had at a restaurant the other day - was delicious, sweet potato, pine nuts, semi dried tomato, small amount of cheese on spinach leaves with a basil pesto sauce. Was amazing!

 

Thinking of going to this hair place where i get 7 free styles and getting my hair styled, but i can't decide. Maybe i should suck it up and straighten my own hair. I think so.. It just takes soooo long. Stupid me having such long thick hair!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I am warning any readers in advance that this entry will be very much a "why me" entry.

 

Why? That is what i want to know. Why did my mother end up with schizophrenia. Why did i have to suffer through 20 years of undiagnosed hell. Why is she still suffering. Why didn't the hospitals do anything when i was sick all the time and constantly having surgeries - she was ill then, they could have seen that and done something!

 

Why didn't the doctors she would visit do something. How could they turn me away, hopeless time and time again.

 

Why didn't my school teachers report neglect when i was left at school waiting out the front for an hour and a half after school finished because she never turned up. Why didn't they realise that she was an unfit parent when she wouldn't let them call the ambulance for me when i was sick, because "she had a vision i'd be fine". Why didn't my teachers see my deterioration. My depression. My inability to afford basic school supplies. Why didn't they mention anything when they saw her getting angry at me for things i did not do. How did her past partners not seek help, i was a child stuck in the care of a woman who couldn't care for herself. How could they leave me there. To be locked in the car overnight. Not being allowed into the house. Hidden behind car seats. Put in the boot with the groceries. Being untreated for my own physical sicknesses. How did surgeons not respond when i was 14 and didn't have any family visit me for the weeks i spent in hospital having operations.

 

Why was i left to be slapped accross the face, tripped over with my own crutches whilst i was in a brace from my thigh to my ankle and left lying on the floor. How was i left to deal with her moods, to try and get the knives away from her wrists when i was 9 because she stood over the kitchen sink threatening to slash her wrists. How did they let her continue to be a parent when she told me day after day that i ruined her life, that i was the worst thing that happened to her, that if she was sick it was because of me, that i was lucky she kept me because all i was was a horrible reminder of a terrible night.

 

How was it okay for her to get so angry that she kicked me out of the car and left me on the side of a busy road crying at 4 years old. How was it okay that she expected me to care for her, be there for her, talk her down, watch as she screamed in my face and tore up my few possessions i had up.

 

Her sickness was NOT hidden. It was obvious. When i was old enough i asked people for help. Why the hell was there no one to freaking help. Seriously, do you think i would be as depressed, as scarred (physically and emotionally), as anxious, as completely messed up if she was treated earlier? If someone had of actually done something. No. Why did i have to live a life of hell because the government can't get mental health right?

 

Now, my sick mother cops my anger. Because i hate her, i hate her for treating me the way she did. For hurting me, for telling me i was nothing, for feeding me junk, for neglecting my school needs, i hate her for everything. And more than i hate her i hate myself. Because none of this is her fault, so there is no way i should be angry at her.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I've been exhausted all day, but I'm trying to get out of the habit of having naps so I pushed through it. Now I'm wide awake. My boyfriend is asleep beside me. Curled up holding me. He was so sweet and bought me a single rose and a card, even though he literally has no money. He is so sweet It made my day. We're so lame though. Seriously we are. I made him his card and on the inside cover I wrote a line to a love song that we both love. The card he bought me had the EXACT same line written accross the top. Funniest thing ever. Plus the last line I wrote in his card, was the first line he wrote to me, word for word. Pretty sure that means we have been together for too long haha. It made me laugh how alike we were. He ate all my treats too, and said he liked them and that they were yummy! Makes it all worth it when you're appreciated you know

 

He has been grumpy since we got home though, I think he was just tired. So that's okay. He's sleeping like a trooper now. Hopefully he'll be happier in the morning. I would be such a mess without him. That man has got me through so much. There's no one who could ever replace him. I found the love of my life at 20, and hope I'll always have him by my side. The thought of my future with him is all that keeps me going sometimes. Knowing that one day, it will just be us. I cannot wait for that day.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Oh my freaking goodness, i had the absolute day from hell. Most of the time i love my job. But nursing is just one of those jobs that you really shouldn't work understaffed, especially not in the place i work. We have 80 residents, and only 4 carers. At the moment we have an outbreak of the flu and have about 30 residents who are too ill to come up for meals so we are bringing them breakfast. I was supposed to finish there at 10, then 2, i didn't leave til 2 45 ad even then we hadn't finished our work. I almost cried. I really almost lost it today. How absolutely disgusting. 4 carers, just four, and for 3 hours of the shift there is only 2 carers. My poor residents got neglected today. There is only so much we can do!!!

 

And they tell us that we aren't understaffed - they need to get off their asses and do our job. Working with the agency i've seen some great places, places that actually have the staff so their residents are treated well, in turn they are happier and far more thankful. What made it worse was when residents were telling me i was doing my best, i just wanted to lose it. I was doing my best. I ran today. All day. I didn't sit down once in 8 1/2 hours. I was constantly doing something. Running to answer buzzers, trying to help get everyone clean. One lady only got cleaned at 2 this afternoon, how the hell is that fair?! She lay all day in a wet pad. And she touched my hand and said thank you, at 2pm when we finally got to her, she was so grateful. I can't do it anymore. I'm applying anywhere and everywhere. I love the people i work with, and i love my residents. But i cannot sit back and see treatment like that. And when i leave they will be receiving one hell of a complaint letter.

 

Never been so horrified.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

What i say: I'm going to be healthy this time, have good habits, eat correctly, exercise extra if i have a bad day. Reality: I'm going to purge the first dinner out i have since starting my health regime. Congrats me. Officially a mental case as usual.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Fantastic, thanks to working in a facility that doesn't understand how to prevent staff and resident break outs in illness i am now sick again. Far worse. And have to work tomorrow, and possibly monday. Because i had no work this week i cannot be sick tomorrow, i NEED the sunday rate pay to add up for only having 5 shifts in a fortnight. But at the same time, my work isn't the job you can come in sick too. I don't want to spread it around and make others sick. Especially not residents. Not really sure what to do. But feeling pretty dreadful and coughing and spluttering everywhere. Not happy

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I think its no wonder i find it hard to make friends now. My friends treated me far worse than anyone else all through school. I remember being at a friends place, there was a little group of 5 of us girls who were very close. I was always incredibly self conscious. They all went skinny dipping and after about an hour of convincing me, i finally joined them. They stole my shirt and made me walk around searching for it. I was completely humiliated. They all watched me and laughed as i walked around trying to cover myself. I had tears and everything, one girl got upset and said it was too cruel and told the others she couldn't watch, but instead of helping me she just went inside and watched tv. I finally found my shirt, went inside and got changed. One of them tried to touch me after that and i remember flinching away. I couldn't believe my "best friends" could be so mean.

 

Another time i was really sick. I'd been off school for about a month with glandular fever and tonsillitis, but they begged me to come just watch movies. Just getting there made me exhausted and i fell asleep. They put nuts in my ears and down my clothes. They put chewing gum in my hair and took photos.

 

What the heck makes teenage girls so completely cruel exactly? None of them ever treated me like that when we were spending time together just one on one, but in a group i was the complete laughing stock. I was the "nice" one. Which back then really did mean "pushover". After everything they did i never got angry. I would be hurt but i would't say anything. I valued my friendship with them too much. Now i'm not friends with any of them. Some realise i wasn't worth their time and others i eventually realised weren't worth my time. I always say i wasn't bullied. That i got along with most people. Its true. I got some rude comments, but mostly, i got away. But at the same time, my friends treated me worse than some bullies treat there victims.

 

It makes me wonder, why do we put up with this stuff. Why the hell did i put up with that?

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I feel like talking to someone. Chatting. Like having an in depth discussion on something. But no one is awake. And let us be honest - it isn't as though i could actually hold a conversation anyway. You need social skills for that.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I haven't felt so sick since last time i was in hospital (of course, that was only months ago cuz i'm rarely "well"). I have a crazy fever and can barely be bothered moving. My whole body aches. My head is killing me and i've taken all the meds i'm allowed. My 'amazing' boyfriend isn't good with sick people. He whines if i ask him to do anything for me. Then he said 'what do you want me to do?' so i asked him to tickle my back because its what nan would have done and its a comfort. He said no, then gave in, tickled it for literally like 20 seconds then gave up!! My fever is crazy high, i'm shivering than over heated, i feel like i'm going to be sick and the idea of comfortinv me annoys him. I'd be angry if i wasn't so hurt. I'd do anything so him! I officially hate men.

 

Great. That is now twice he has had me in tears today because of his anger. The first time i was actually really scared of him. But he apologised. Now he's doing the same thing. I don't understand why he has to be like this. I honestly believe he has bipolar. Even he has said so before. Not exactly fun. I promise you.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

So my doctor thinks i either have swine flu or influenza. I'm not allowed to leave my house for 7 days. God because its not like i'm broke as hell as need to work. Its not like i need time with my boyfriend because being stuck in this house makes me want to kill someone. My sister has been really nice though. She stopped in this arvo to check on me and made me some toast - which is the only thing i've stomached all day. I guess this is one way to lose weight though. Someone come look after me? Whenever i get sick i turn into an emotional wreck and just want to be loved. So drained and exhausted. I keep falling asleep for 20 then waking up, then falling back asleep, but i'm too tired to think or move and everything hurts

 

Yeah, yeah, i'm whining i know. They do say nurses make the worst patients - totally true in this case haha.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

What have I gotten into this time around,

I know that I had sworn I'd never trust anyone again but I didn't have to,

 

You had me at hello.

 

 

Lyrics my boyfriend and i often quote to each other. Its one of my favourites.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Today my mum, acted like a mum. Like she cared about ME and my well being... The hardest part about her getting treatment is me figuring out which parts are her illness and which parts are her.

 

I guess i just have to wait and see, but today, today she listened when i said i couldn't handle visitors today because i was too sick, she understood when i told her i might not be able to visit for a week or too, and told me to take care of myself and that she hopes i feel better soon. All just because she hopes i feel better. She used to only care if it meant something to her. But today, i honestly believe my mum just wants me to feel better. That is the best feeling. To feel like after being alone for so long, maybe, just maybe, i might have a parent back. I hope so. I really do.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Just stood on the scale. Being sick has let me lose 800g in like 4 days. Not exactly the way i wanted to do it, but i guess its a result. I haven't been able to eat much, but i've made sure what i have eaten hasn't been unhealthy. Yesterday i had about 3 eggs, 2 pieces of wholemeal toast, and some fruit. So at least i'm not slacking off just because i don't feel well. Although, i am totally craving noodles, so i might have them as a treat today. They're soft and easy to eat for my tooth - warm in the cooler weather and honestly - i just want the yummy noodles. I guess they're my comfort food.

 

Anyways, i figured out, i have now lost a total of 3.8kg (8.1 lbs) in about a month i think Pretty happy with that effort. I only have 100g til i'm at my first goal. Then 5 kilos to go til i'm back to where i used to be. When i weighed that, i could look in the mirror and feel like i looked okay. I looked healthy. I'm not sure if maybe i have more muscle tone or perhaps i just literally have a bigger bone structure, because at that weight i literally only JUST fall into the healthy weight range. But my waist to hip ratio and fat percentage were always very healthy and whenever i mentioned that to doctors they looked quite shocked. I was also told by quite a few people that if i'd lost too much more weight my face would have started to look quite drawn. I hate that look. Besides, i'm happy to have curves, as long as i'm toned and healthy Anyway, 5 kilos to go til my second goal, and 10 kilos to go until i'm 100% happy with my body (i hope - i've never seen myself at that weight, i just hope its enough).

 

100g to go, then i can start working toward my second goal. Couldn't be more excited. Then once i get to my second goal, i'll have to start swimming again, and get my tan back. I was sooo brown for a while there haha. Would be nice not to look like a ghost for a while!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

"Life is about making mistakes, and death is about wishing you'd made more."

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Well I definitely ruined the diet for today. Currently sitting down to a feast. Spring rolls, dim sims, pad Thai and prawn chips. In my defence I at least monitored my intake and only had one spring roll and one dim sim... Yeah I know, that really doesn't help does it? Totally worth a try haha.